It is tempting to only respond to other the questions and confirm I to myself I have learned something through the trauma I suffered as a child. But that would continue my pattern of wanting to take care of other people and deflect my own needs. I have been in T for four years with an amazingly patient T who understands the impact of trauma on a child. I have always known the cause of my parents divorce and my role in exposing my father's deviant behavior toward me but I have never known any details. This has hindered my ability to feel angry at the abuse and grieve my losses. Well, a couple weeks ago the tumblers seemed to fall in place and the door to what I believe happened to me as a child, finally cracked open. Last week in therapy, I began the painful steps to naming what I think and allowing myself to feel the pain. Since I have no extrinsic memory or visual narrative to support my conviction I am afraid this will lead to some form of insanity. However, I have body memories and puzzle pieces that seem to fit together perfectly and that is what compels me to believe what I think. Up until now, I have been afraid to presume, imagine, deduce, or claim knowledge of anything I could not confirm with some sort of proof. I hid behind, "I don't remember". I feel I am on the verge of truth and hope that it will set me free from all the lies I have believed about myself, my family, and my life. That, I know, is a good thing but what I anticipate is the grief for all the ways, and years, that I have hidden the truth by my own deception (that I did not know existed!)and all the consequences resulting from it. I doubt I would persevere if I did not cling to faith in God and believe there is a good purpose for all of this.