Ok, well first off you will see that I have changed my username, be gone Crazy Lady!

And I'm so pleasantly surprised by this thread SpaGirl so thank you

As for the negative thoughts, they are not restricted to my weight and appearance, I doubt my work/college abilities and how I treat other people. But yes it is daily, most of the time in fact. Like I said to Soulfuldaze, when I am feeling really down in myself and my appearance i just get consumed with this self-loathing feel, absolute disgust.

I'm unsure as to what weight I am currently. i lost a stone last year through watching my food very strictly and exercising like crazy. I fear I have put it all back on again and so I can't bring myself to weigh myself. I'd imagine I'm 13 stone and a bit and around 5'4" or 5'5". So definitely overweight.

I felt a little better when I lost weight but like I said it was short lived as it was never enough, I would never be good enough. It's more of a problem that I have with myself than other people and how they see me, though that factors into it too.

I just feel absolute disgust and total disappointment when I look in the mirror. I'm afraid I'm not full of optimism at the moment as you can probably tell I'm just wondering when things are going to get a bit better. I miss my ex-T so much at the moment. I'm thinking about him most days.

I made an appointment with a T for next week. I chose a guy and I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. I can see pros and cons for both sides but I know that the more men I can trust in life the better. I agree with you SpaGirl that my bisexuality might have something to do with the lack of aggression and violence I associate with women. However, I do think I genuinely feel attracted to them too besides it being a by-product of my mis-trust of men.

3 weeks on an upped dose of antidepressants and no change.

Mrs. P.

HI all.

Just a quick update-made an appointment with a T for next week. I asked for a male T but said I wasn't too fussy, as it happens I now have a female T. Which is fine as I don't know if my intentions for having a male T again are sound.

I keep thinking I see my T everywhere on campus. I dread seeing him. Today I saw a guy who looked like him and this sick feeling in my stomach started again. The anxiety is so bad, I really don't know why it's so strong. On the other hand I'm thinking about him a lot of the time so that might have something to do with it. I was totally distracted at work today between thoughts of him, my grandmother who passed away a few years ago,who I miss terribly, and of my parents.

I hate that I dread meeting my ex-T so much now. It's just knowing that we can never have any real conversation again is killing me. Even though I never asked about him in session I still knew he was ok and was in good humour or at least projected that.

I was actually thinking about what one of you said on here one day to me, about me wanting to care for him and I actually think I might have figured out a link there between him and my dad. Generally I enjoy taking care of people and am loyal to them but in this case I can see other reasoning for it too. So thanks for pointing that out

Another week almost over, a sigh of relief that the working week is done but then fear of the free time to myself as it can often be much worse than being at work and distracted.

Take care everyone,
Mrs. P

Thanks for the good wishes HB.

Having a real downer of a day today. I really don't know what to do with myself. Still in bed and can't see anything worth getting up for. I miss my T so much and all I can think about is my Dad and my grandmother who passed away.

Mrs. P... I'm so sorry you are grieving, I know how that can feel. Endless. But I do want to say that you have something worth getting up and out of bed for ... and that is YOU. Do your best to muster up enough energy to get up and shower and dress up as best you can and go for a walk outside or even at the mall. Buy and ice cream cone and take a good book. If you don't have a good book head to the library if your town has one or a Borders where you can sit and hang out with a coffee. Or go for a manicure or buy a new lipstick. Once you are out the moving around, the life and other people will give you some energy and you never know who you will meet. Try to see the day as holding some unknown good surprise for you... an adventure of sorts.

I know you miss your T and I can't even imagine how it hurts to leave him. I don't think he'd want you to be so sad though. Try to remember what he taught you in therapy and the things he told you and how you felt with him and take that with you into the day.

I know you are looking for a new T and I hope you have success with that. Sometimes things seem darkest before the light. But just know that we are all out here pulling for you. Please keep us posted.

TN

(((((Mrs. P)))))

I SO understand how you are feeling right now. I've gone in and out of this place since losing my T. I just went there again last night for a while. What I've been doing is letting myself cry and letting myself go to bed when the pain gets too bad. Eventually I do what TN suggested to you: I get up and start doing something, anything, and pretty soon the mood lifts and I can see the sun again for a while.

This relationship with your T was so important to you, and it hurts to lose it. I like TN's reminder to try and remember what he taught you. You deserve to do whatever you can to baby yourself during this time. Take a hot bath or shower. Wear your favorite outfit. I LOVE TN's suggestion to go to Borders and read a book with coffee - if I could I would go there with you because it's one of my ultimate favorite things to do.

You are a very strong woman, Mrs. P, and I know you'll get through this. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. I'm holding you in my thoughts and prayers.

SG

Hi all.

Thank you all so so much for your kind words of advice and encouragement, it helps a lot. I did get up eventually. I spoke with a friend on the internet which put me thinking. She said that she feels useless as she can't help me and hates that this has been going on for a year now. She said I need to start helping myself and that sometimes it seems that I don't want to get better. I agreed in that sometimes I just want someone to hurt me or something bad to happen, but when I feel like I do today, I just want to escape, I feel so scared. I have been increasingly tired lately, 9 hrs sleep a night before work does not seem like enough anymore. I started getting into the habit of going to sleep after getting in from work, sleeping 3 hrs and then not being able to sleep for hours again.

I know the things I usually enjoy are a good idea when I feel down but with the way i felt today I just felt paralyzed, immobilized. The thought of everything seemed pointless and disgusted me. I don't know if it's all down to missing my T, though I miss him a lot.I think of experiences that I might have and how I'll want to share them with him and won't be able to. And I feel like such a burden to my friends, I know they hate seeing me unhappy and in some ways feel like I'm not helping myself.

Now I'm beginning to wonder if all of this is self inflicted, that I really don't want to get better and don't just get on with things like most people do. I have no idea who I am. They want the "old Mrs. P" back and I don't know who she is. She was a stressed out, driven to the point of breaking, pressurised and anxious person. I don't want to be her. I just can't see the "good" parts or the parts that make me me. I know who I am now isn't the answer either.

At this moment I just find the world such a confusing and frightening place. I'm sick of fighting.

Thanks again for all your well wishes, it's good to have such thoughtful and supportive people vouching for me and offering real advice.

@ Summer, I have a week left on this prescription so I'll see what I can do.

Hi everyone,

I just want to say thanks again for your words of support over the weekend. Yesterday was another frightening day, worse than the one before but, thankfully, today I feel a bit better. It's on days like this weekend that I realise I am not making it up, that this is real and it is happening. Because it's like being in bottomless pit where nothing makes sense, everything is covered in fear, despair and anxiety.

I had a sick feeling in my stomach from yesterday afternoon. Eventually I went out for a walk with a friend. I tried to convey some of what I was going through but it was so hard. Nobody wants to hear about it or deal with it. Not because they don't care, but it's also so hard for them to hear the words coming from my mouth so often. Yesterday I really felt like I couldn't cope, I wanted to cry and scream and huddle in the corner of a warm familiar place. I had to catch a bus home in the evening and I dreaded it. It filled me with fear. But I did it, I got home. I literally told the friend "I don't know how much longer I can do this".

I texted him last night to thank him for listening and he said he was happy his advice made sense and said "I'm glad to listen about it now and then". Emphasis on "now and then". He's not unkind, in fact he's very caring and understanding but this thing has taken over my life and has gotten to a point where I can't manage it and other people can't handle the reality of it.

As it stands I'm going to try to focus on my appointment on Thursday though all the time I feel like something's really wrong and I need help now. But I don't know what to do.

It's good to be able to vent and discuss things on this forum, it's one of the few positives in my life at the moment.

Mrs. P

quote:

At this moment I just find the world such a confusing and frightening place. I'm sick of fighting.

Mrs. P. - Stop Fighting. Get on your figurative raft and let the river take you downstream. Let go.

xo

.

You have to know that it is okay to take a day or two or three and live in the misery - cry like a bleeping baby if you feel like it. But you also know that you can't live like that every day.

Honor yourself.

It takes a bit of discipline to retrain the mind. I find myself saying "STOP" when the negative thoughts try to creep in. And, it works. My mind stops and is redirected to another place - maybe just thinking of what I'm doing, like dish washing, or whatever. After a few "stops" the negative doesn't try any more.

.

Thanks Spagirl.

That is exactly it, I know I can't live like that everyday and that's the part that I struggle with. I guess my endurance is running out. I need to try to just get through things for a bit longer so I can work on it. To be honest I would prefer if this was a physical problem, some ailment that was visible and obvious so that no explanation would be necessary, no tip-toeing around the issue would happen, that it was much more clear cut.

But that is only a wish, I'm just so surprised to be where I am.

Mrs. P

So, what is the problem?

What did you get from your therapist that you are missing?

.

AND, don't forget the power of chanting. A. It gives your mind something to do besides beat you up, and B. you don't have to believe in it for it to work. Go polish your diamond - it's still in there just waiting to shine.

Love.

.

"Nam Myo Ho Ren Gay Kyo"

(phonetically)

sgi-usa.org

xoxox

.

quote:

Originally posted by SpaGirl:
So, what is the problem?

What did you get from your therapist that you are missing?

.

With my T I got the feeling of security, safety, love, care, warmth, ease, the freedom to express myself and how I feel. Someone who listens-I could go on. Someone I could trust for the most part though I struggled with that towards the end. Things never felt the same after I realised the transference was happening and he said that he had known for a while that there was a "dependency" issue but that I must figure it out first. While I get that he was trying to protect me from extra hurt (I think him saying outright "you're dependent on me aren't you?" would've killed me) but after that I was unsure if he was just being nice to me and placating me or telling me what I wanted to hear. He tried to reassure me but he couldn't. I guess I couldn't believe that he actually cared enough to not "lead me up that garden path" as he put it.

I often think about him putting his arms around me and feeling safe and secure.

Mrs. P

It sounds like a lover.


Did you figure out the transference issue?


x

Wow SpaGirl, what a powerful one sentence reply..."sounds like a lover".Um, yes, I figured out the transference on my own. It was always lurking there, the connection, but as time went on and I began to read up a bit more on therapy I realised what was going on. So I brought it up with my T. I haven't succeeded in making the connection between my dad and the transference issues. I presume it's about that but connecting the erotic part of my transference to another relationship in my life is very difficult.

Mrs. P

Hi everyone.

Just back from my first session with my new T. Getting there an back was waaay too eventful and long-it's two buses there and two back and the driver left me off at the wrong stop so I was late for the session My T was lovely though in helping me find the right place.

She's younger than I expect, only about ten years older than me I guess. She has a very friendly manner which is nice. She basically let me talk for the whole hour and fill her in. There was so much and it felt rather arduous talking about all of it, particularly the incident that caused me to go to therapy a year ago. I did find myself thinking about my ex-T a lot, particularly when I disclosed something I had told him and remembered his reaction to it, so different to hers. It's a lot to take in and it's only the first session so it's fairly frustrating trying to start over. I find myself wishing that she had the same reaction as my old T but that was never going to happen.

It just feels like the tip of the icecberg and the thought of spending next week expaining myself further is not an inviting one. I need to update my meds and have no idea what to do, the dose was upped last time but doesn't seem to have helped.

It amazes me how much time I spend thinking about my old T. It reminds me of when I began counselling last year because I couldn't concentrate at college due to something bad which happened to me, I was consumed by it. I really hope I get something good out of this pain, I think I can. There must be some connection, it isn't all infatuation.

My new T said she was surprised by how open I was and how much I knew about myself. At this stage of being on my 3rd T in less than a year it would be pretty hard not to be. I've already had two people try their best to get info out of me! My old T knows such intimate details of my life, it's so hard to let him go.

So I guess a mixed bag really. Hoping I can get the energy to make the 5 hr round trip every week. Going home tomorrow too for the weekend, wish me luck.

Take care,
Mrs.P

Hi Mrs. P,

What a trip you had to make...that's dedication! I'm glad your new T helped you find the place and that she seems nice. It is so hard to start over, I know (by the way, don't feel bad - I'm on my fourth T since January of 2008. My new T said I'm "persistent" about finding what I need ). Especially filling them in on the original reason. My old T and I spent five or six sessions reading something I had written to explain the reason. One of the reasons I didn't want to let him go is because he was the first one to listen to the whole reason, and I was so grateful for that alone!

But it is hard when you want to continue from where you left off, and now you have to go back and rehash everything you've been over before. Can you write it down and bring it with you to help organize your thoughts? I don't know if that's a good suggestion or not, but it's what I did. Unfortunately it seemed to have the effect of overwhelming her a little. For example, I knew she'd want to know about my childhood, so I wrote a paragraph that contained all of what I considered the psychologically significant details. She said it was like being hit with a volley of grenades, one after another. So maybe the condensed approach isn't the best. But it was the only way I could think of to deal with this problem.

And then, while you're going over the old information, you have a new set of reactions from your new T to process. It is interesting to see how they react differently than the last T to the same information. It sounds like you were disappointed with her reaction, or lack of one. Was it because she didn't seem to understand the point you were trying to make? Is it something you can go back and ask her about next time?

Thinking about the old T is a tough one. I'm having a rough day with it today and it's turned into a stomach ache. I know what you mean when you say you told him such intimate details of your life - I did that too, some things I'd never told anyone else, and now it hurts that I'll never see him again. Hopefully we can both get comfortable enough with our new T's to talk through whatever was not resolved with the old T.

Thanks for letting us know how things went...I'll be watching for updates!

SG

Thanks SG.

Up late tonight, can't sleep. Too much stuff rolling around in my head. I mulled over your question about my new T's reaction to things; I think I was a little disappointed though not really in a reasonable way. It's not that I want her to change per se, I just miss the reaction my old T gave me. Maybe it was because he was male and maybe it was because he knew me for much longer and so knew how certain affected me. It's far to early to judge. When the poor woman has some time to digest all the stuff I was firing at her things could be totally different. I guess she just seemed to take things more lightly, she was more likely to laugh gently at funny or bad scenarios (not in an unfeeling way, but laughing at the absurdity of certain things). What I couldn't get out of my head was her body language though. I guess I spend too much time looking stuff like this up but after reading some stuff about body language I realised that my ex-T was always very careful. He always sat back on his chair, I was totally exposed to him, no part was left hidden. The only alternative to this position, with his hands on the armrests was him sitting forward, looking intently at me with his hands making the point.

My new T was very different. She wasn't standoffish, she just moved around more, I felt more informal or something. It's hard to describe. I guess there was an intensity missing. But again, that's down to this being session 1 of many and the fact that (thankfully) there's no transference to deal with.

I just wish I could get my ex-T out of my head,the ending of that relationship seems like it will never have proper closure as it isn't a "normal" relationship.

Just writing what I'm thinking at this stage (which is always a dangerous thing ) so I'm gonna leave things till tomorrow and hope to get some rest.

Mrs. P

Gosh, Mrs. P. you have really brought me into your world. I truly care about you and your well being after having read so many of your thoughts.

I so totally understand the frustration that comes with having to retell the story to each therapist. There is no way they can get a grip on what you have been through, until they know the whole story, and at least for me, that takes several sessions, at least! :-O

I'm also guessing, that, like me, there has been some male abuse in your past??? And perhaps that is why after sharing so much with the former T, that you fixated on him. He was what you should have gotten in life, not what you did.

This is such a slippery slope. On the one hand you MUST tell your therapist everything so they can help you, but while doing so it brings them to a place of intimacy in your life and that can be so confusing. (misunderstood ... boundaries and the like). The intimacy FEELS right - like you are bonding with the right person - and like you mentioned before, like a lover. I suppose we would be having these deep, intimate relationships with the person who would be our best friend/lover, if it were there, but since it is not, that space goes to the therapist - who's JOB it is ISN'T to be our lover or best friend, but to be our guide through the pain - and out of the pain and into a healthier, more harmonious life.


xoxoxox



.

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your kind reply SpaGirl. I feel touched and flattered that you have been bothering to keep up with my posting, I have been posting quite a lot as I've found all of you so helpful on here and it has helped me to clear my mind a bit more. I don't expect anyone to take notice and am happy to just fill the forum with my ramblings if that's ok with everyone Just tell me if it's getting insufferable

There has been some breaking of boundries in the past by a male, yes Spagirl. And I have ongoing emotional issues with a male relative. So you could say my feelings towards men are quite conflicted and complicated at the moment.

As for why I'm posting tonight, I think I needed to put this feeling down on "print" in a sense. I mentioned before that while on the one hand that I would love my old T to hold me and care for me and love me, I still have feelings of masochism, of wanting to be attacked, particularly by a male. And I feel so guilty for this. I have heard all of your stories and I'm very wary of posting such thoughts here. I don't feel it's right. But I can't help how I feel. I was getting a cab home tonight and I felt so vunerable. Disturbingly I couldn't help but feel that I wanted him to attack me, for something wrong and terrible to happen. I've had this feeling for a while, like I deserve it. That I might feel something. I don't know what it means In reality I know it would be terrible and everytime I hear stories of women being in these situations I get so upset, my heart goes out to them, I am just so horrified and feel such empathy.

Can anyone shed some light on these feelings? Like I said, I really hope I haven't caused offense. So many people have suffered and I don't want to make this issue in any way trivial. I have thought about it a lot. I did tell my ex-T that after an incident a few years ago that I felt so wreckless sometimes, like I said above, that I wanted something awful to happen to me.

Mrs. P

Hi HB. Thanks so much for responding. I really benefited from reading your post as your opinions on why I might be feeling the way I do seem so obvious now but had not crossed my mind until you said them.

Like you I suffer from the same dread and anxiety so perhaps it is a sense of wanting to get the inevitable over with.Also, I am my own worst enemy at all times so it would be nice to be able to stop for a while. But since I can't do that the only alternative is to be hurt by another and feel sadness and pain towards that. I think it maybe an attention thing too, much as it pains me to say it. I think since I was a child I had always felt a feeling of wanting to be attacked or hurt, for people to have some sympathy for me. That sounds pathetic when I write it down. When I think about something bad happening now and a guy attacking me, I just think about the physical pain and how I would have no control over it, no say in it and that I would just "feel". However, following an incident that happened to me a while back I know that it doesn't work out that way. That there's stigma and blame attached to things that aren't your fault and that regardless of what anyone says your blame yourself for someone elses actions. I'm sure that's what would happen again. But I think I crave that moment of madness, of absolute fear. I don't know what drives it. I presume it's tied in with the feelings i have when I want to self harm. In fact I console myself when I feel really depressed that I could end it all if I wanted to or that self-harm is always a possibility. It calms me in a way. Though I get so angry and sad as I am so bad at going through with these things.

Tonight I went to see my new T for a second time. I am beginning to see what kind of relationship this one is likely to be. My new T is quite relaxed, laughs quite a lot and quite heartily as well. Which is so different from my old T. Every session is like a trigger for my feelings for him and tonight we ended up talking about him.She acknowledged why I might have felt angry at the rather abrupt ending with my old T which was nice. She reminded me that I seem to take on a protector role for a lot of people in my life. She tried to compliment me a few times at the end of the session which left me squirming in my seat, I hate compliments!It is nice to be able to talk to a T about my feelings for my old T as I felt nobody understood (apart from those of you on here) how i was feeling. It was more something to be giggled at and brushed off rather than taken seriously and for me it was very serious. Talking about the intensive sessions we did tonight brought me right back to the trauma work I did with him. I really will never forget what he did for me.

As usual I am walking on eggshells in my family life and I want it to stop. It is just so uncomfortable. Why can't people be open and kind and not hostile. Adults shouldn't ignore other adults for no apparent reason other than they feel like it.As it stands a close friend of mines relationship with her boyfriend is mirroring a relationship in my family that appears to be the root of a lot of hurt for me and I can't stand it. I feel pushed into the protector role again. I don't know if I can be friends with either of them because it hurts too much to watch it happening again.

I wish I wasn't worrying about the million different terrible things that could happen tomorrow but I am. Going to see doctor as well to figure out what way to go with meds. A male GP this time so fingers crossed he won't say I should just get on with things

Mrs. P

Hi everyone,

Just another one of those days. I spend the whole week waiting for the relaxation of the weekend and I spend the weekend depressed and worried. It has to stop, I'm so so tired. Today I sat in a shopping mall for 40 mins, I just couldn't move. I didn't want to get up, make a decision, go anywhere, do anything. I thought about all the great advice you guys gave me but I couldn't go through with any of it. I didn't want to talk to my friend or strangers or anyone. And when plans are changed about meeting people like they were today it makes me really uncomfortable. I need to go grocery shopping but I can't bare the thought of leaving the seat I'm at now.

I feel on the verge of tears but I can't seem to cry.There's so much overwhelming emotion going on and I can't seem to vent it. Coming on here was my attempt and making sense of what's going on in my head. The thing is, I felt good yesterday for the most part. It was nice. I wasn't afraid of it as I usually am. But it was all gone today, like it never happened. And now I have to face reality and do things and i just don't want to. I just want to sleep and cry and block everyone and everything out. I miss my old T so so much. I can't stop thinking about him, just when I felt like I was getting a handle on it. People keep reminding me of him. And there were all these beautiful exchanges between the people in the mall with their children, it just made me sadder. God I miss him so much, I want him to hold me and care for me so so badly. I think I would bawl in his arms, he could get to me, make me let go and cry. It was a bit of a relief.

Maybe some of this was triggered off by discussing how I've been for the past while with a good friend I have spoken to in ages. I really don't know. All I know is that my mind keeps running over and over again on all this stuff. I'm beginning to wonder if the erotic part of my attraction to my T is to do with me feeling like I've nothing to offer him other than that and that it's the only way I could get him to care for me. Plus the intimacy reassures me that he cares.

What a mess in my head. And now it's on "paper".

Thanks all,
Mrs. P

Hey Mrs. P,

Been thinking about you and wondering how you're doing?

I read your last post and I just wanted to remind you that it is OKAY for you to do exactly what you WANT to do: sleep and cry and block everything out. If that is part of how you heal, that is what you need to do.

Can you have in your life a place where this person remains special, if not in your life? Similarly, I have a DEEP crush on my MD, in fact I was WOW'd by him before he ever became my doc. But, he is married, and so, as such, is now off limits. But not a day goes by that I don't think of him (or rarely a night, either!) I can be shopping and remember him telling me about a food he ate, or flip to a page in a magazine and see a hobby he enjoys. It's crazy. It's like the "universe" brings to you what you think of, not what you need. I "need" to get him out of my mind (because he's "still married") but I WANT to keep him in my mind because it is comforting to think that there is someone out there who might be right for me in so many ways. In other words, I feel your pain.

But just think of all the couple's who have someone and don't appreciate them.

Be strong.

.

Hi Spagirl and everyone else who's been helping me out-thank you all so much.

The transference is continuing-I still dread bumping into him around my workplace everyday. I know it will probably happen at some stage and bowl me over but until then I'll be on tenterhooks.

Thanks for your responses on the self-mutilation topic. I realise it's a hard one for people to read about and deal with so I appreciate your opinions and words of advice. It was scary to read about your experience Z as it becomes so easy to normalise particular behaviour and for it then to become a problem on its own. I have a very strong tendency to assume I am exaggerating how i feel and how wrong things are. So when I SI I get annoyed at myself at how little damage I am actually doing. I feel like it is weak of me not to be able to do "real" damage, to bite the bullet and really hurt myself. That things can't be that bad if I amn't causing lasting damage. I have a similar view towards my weight issues. I do not wish to upset anyone (believe me, I would never expect these things of anyone else, only myself) but I think of myself as weak for not developing a serious eating disorder as I feel like I'm not making enough of an effort to make myself a better person.

In the end I didn't go to the crisis centre. Mostly because I couldn't face the long trip, going outside and not being sure of the directions and location. It was just too much of and ordeal. So I waited til I had my appointment with my new T yesterday. My 3rd session. I had an agenda going it-I couldn't speak to anyone about what I really felt about doing to myself expect a professional-I couldn't burden anyone else I knew with it. However, she began with a CBT idea that took up a lot of the session. It was fine-I got to analyse some of the relationships in my life that I needed to discuss. What cropped up was the prominence of my old T in my life. It was kind of embarrassing but at least i got it out there.

However, near the end I realised I needed to say something to her. She didn't flinch, I was waiting for it. I hate discussing self-harm and suicide with people, they always look so shocked and appalled and I end up feeling ashamed. Not that I've actually discussed the depth of my feelings on this issue much.She asked me what I used to hurt myself. I felt glad she was taking me seriously. I told her that I hated myself for doing it as I felt I was just attention seeking and that that was what i was doing with my old T-that it would achieve nothing. She left me saying that those feelings were valid and not to let anyone tell me otherwise. Surprisingly she rang me today to remind me that the centre was open while she's away for the next two weeks and to reach out if I needed to. As usual I said I didn't think I'd do anything "stupid" as while I didn't care about myself I didn't want to hurt others in my life.

However, after all this drama and rambling I at least know one thing about my self at this moment on this day: I am numb. Totally and utterly numb. My T kept asking me if I felt anything discussing my feelings towards harming myself. Honesty? No. I can't feel anything. I know in my head that I miss my T but I can't cry, I can't scream, I can't sob. Nothing will come out. It's so surreal. I never thought I would feel this way. Now my self-destructive behaviour is making sense. I can't feel anything. I'm trying to feel but I can't. I haven't been able to cry for a long time-the last time I properly cried was on the day I finished with my ex-T, nothing since then and not much before it.

My T asked me if I would do to my mom what I did to myself over the weekend. Of course not! An imaginable thought. And yet I saw few qualms about doing it to myself, in fact, I thought it was too little. What has happened to me?

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs. P. I am sorry to hear of your struggle with SI. I don't know a lot about it but I have struggled with some really strong urges to SI. I have been able to resist any real serious SI but I have made some (weak) attempts. This usually happens to me when I'm so overwhelmed with emotions and feelings (usually negative) and I have no place to put them and don't know how to express them and maybe I feel there is no safe place to let them loose. So I turn them on myself and I spiral into self-hate to the point where I become numb. I think the SI urges come from my attempt to feel SOMETHING when I am in such pain that I go numb. I've been told to hold ice cubes in my hands or draw on my arms with red marker to alleviate the urge in a safer way.

I'm glad you were able to discuss this with your new T. She seems very caring and understanding. I know you miss your old T and that has to hurt a lot. I know how it is when we are in a lot of pain...sometimes to protect ourselves we numb it all and stuff it down deep. You will cry when you are ready and when you feel safe enough to do so.

In the meantime use this Board to vent and call the Center if you feel you need them too. Please take care of you. You are worth it!

TN

Okay. I have to admit that self-abuse is so far out of my "range of speciality" that I really don't know what to say to even bring comfort to someone.

What do you think begins this way of thinking? Is it, (as I would expect) an effect of a former abuse situation, maybe from a father, or similar? WHY would someone hate themselves???

At the VERY least, YOU are ALL you've got! Seriously, of all the crap we find to be disgruntled about, jobs, family, etc., ALL of this stuff is so not important to WHO we REALLY are. We REALLY are points of LIGHT.

Granted, I am in a healthy place right now - balanced, etc. - and I can see how what we CHOOSE to get upset about is only us bringing in to our lives something we would like to examine, for whatever reason. ALL of this is impermanent.


LOVE.

S.

x

It Feels like and age since I posted properly on here. Rest assured I was keeping up on the reading when I came online but I couldn't get round to posting and replying...I really wanted to but I just couldn't-no motivation, no energy.

So, as you can guess, the past while hasn't been great (what a surprise I hear you say-Mrs. P is normally such an optimist!!) I am absolutely exhausted all the time and it's taking away all my motivation. Getting up, work, everything is such an effort. I know i need to exercise but I can't make myself do it, that indecisive feeling I had a few weeks ago is still with me. When people give me more than one option I just become paralyzed in the decision. It stresses me so much. I keep wishing for someone or something to take me away from the nothingness I'm "feeling". I can't find any relief. I'm comfort eating like crazy and still continuing to drink even though I know it's a bad idea and that it seems to only exacerbate my depression in the long run. I still simply want to escape. My new T is on a two week break and I'm seriously considering asking her to meet me more than once a week. I'm wondering about my meds too.

The change to wintertime is getting to me as well....I miss the sunlight...even if it is cloudy most of the time. I end up becoming so exhausted from trying to make decisions about social things that I give up and go to none of them. Just stay at home in my room, alone.

And a smart-ass comment from a relative (which I believe wasn't intended as malicious, more joking) set me off last week and I started bawling crying. For 30 seconds. Then stopped-nothing. Nothing again, all week. No matter how much stuff is going on in my head nothing is happening. I want to cry as loud as I can for as long as i can and I simply can't. I never thought it would be so frustrating.

Thanks to everyone for posting your experiences. There's a seriously special bunch of people on this forum and I wish you all well.

Mrs. P

Mrs. P
I'm sorry you are feeling so down and exhausted. Your symptoms do sound like depression but you might want to consider getting your thyroid checked. As I mentioned in my previous thread, vitamin d and b-12 deficiencies are extremely common too and can cause the symptoms you are describing. I have learned/researched a lot on these conditions since it was discovered I had all 3 of the above problems. Treating them didn't completely get rid of my depression but it helped greatly--especially my exhaustion. Just something to consider. Hang in there!

Hi all.

So, I'm on the eve of my first session in 2 and a half weeks. My last session ended with us discussing my thoughts of SI and my new T asking me if I would be ok and safe. I told her I knew I would since no matter how much I want to escape I could not hurt the people around me. It infuriates me in a way but I know that I cannot override that principle without something pushing me into a reckless state of mind.

It's be a strange and exhausting few weeks.I am due to go to my GP to update my prescription but I am really hoping he takes the blood tests this time as I have been feeling so exhausted lately and totally lack any motivation. When I come home after work all I want to do is curl up in bed. Making dinner seems like so much of an effort. As do any little tasks i have to do. I manage to worry myself to death about the smallest and most absurd things...anything that has a deadline or is in some way involved with me interacting with another person just puts me on edge. I hate phonecalls, I hate asking things from people or being the centre of attention. Work has even been a struggle lately and I like my job.

A strange thing happened last weekend. I had been thinking more and more about my inability to deal with or even recognise my feelings. Like I said I have felt completely numb for a while. This particular evening I was hanging out with a friend and we got into a silly argument about something. I got more and more defensive (as I normally do, I assume people think I'm horrible and so feel horrible and get terribly defensive) and seemed to say quite provocative things that got to this friend of my (who is uaually very slow to anger). It got to a point where I felt so bad about myself that I began to sob and had to leave the room. For a few glorious minutes I could stop, it felt so good, such a release. And then *poof*. It was all gone. Back to numbness. I went back to my friend. He asked me if I was ok. I apologised profusely and said simply "I'm so so sorry but that whole thing had absolutely nothing to do with you". After thinking about it I realized that i had probably provoked him deliberately! I am not a cruel person and while i may be stubborn and many other things, I do not treat people badly for my own enjoyment. I simiply needed that release. Some part of my brain must have known that this situation would get me what I wanted. My old T could get me to cry. Nobody or nothing else in a long time did. This friend of mine is wonderful though. He just wants to see me happy and while he struggles to help me and relate to what I'm going through he helped me look at things a little differently. He asked me why exactly I missed my old T. He pinned it down to a number of feelings i had in my T's office-security, protection, care and lack of judgement, my T himself and how he treated me, how he acted. We just focused on the security part. I admitted that my whole basis of feeling about myself was based on making everyone else's life perfect in any way I could and making a great impression on them.

Besides this strange incident I burst into tears at a comment from a relative a week before that. I was having a rough day - I slept in the evening simply because I was tired and din't feel up to anything else. His comment was not particularly cruel or hurtful, it just felt so dismissive and since it was a comment about my appearance, however jokingly, I took it to heart. it hurt so much. Again, like last week, I tried to bring my thought during the tears to my ex-T and the other things that have been troubling me but I found it very again. Again, like turning on and off a tap, it was gone.

I really hope tomorrow goes well but I am not holding my breath. I have been thinking about my ex-T so much the past few days, it is driving me crazy. I keep seeing men who remind me of him and I am instantly drawn to them. I miss him so much, it feels so pathetic. I have been trying to help out a friend recently and that's weighting heavily on me too since the relationship problems she's having have been triggering me quite severely as they mirror a situation in my family quite closely. I have to pull myself back as my feelings become so intense over the whole thing, it's like I'm put right back into the middle of battlefield.

On the positive side of things ( I know, I know, it's unfortunate but I have to try to air that side too!) I have been reading through the thread "Really really mad" and it has been unbelievably helpful. While all of the posts on this forum have helped or given insight in one form or another, the 3 pages in that thread touch on so much of what I feel. You'll be happy to hear I got as far as welling up after reading them.

I feel so much like Wynne. I would never have the strength to do group therapy as I hate being put in the middle of social situations or having to stand up for myself in public in any way. It is difficult enough trying to share with one T I trust. I have found myself minimizing my feeling so often, I'm doing it now as I type. i cannot accept that my pain is real, that it has worth and merit and that it isn't my "overreaction" or "inability to deal with small things" I have told my T before that I wish there were marks and scars, at least I'd feel like there was some worth in what i was saying, that I would have proof for myself that I wasn't exaggerating. I constantly questioned my ex-T about him "sugar coating" things and "telling me what I wanted to hear".

AG, your responses in that thread were so wonderful. I know it is terrible but I often find myself thinking "my problems are nothing compared to so and so's and therefore I should just get on with it". And I feel like that's how many around me feel, they just don't have the heart to tell me straight out. I can totally relate to Wynne's constant insistence of "yeah but that doesn't apply to me, regardless of how logical it is for someone else". It's amazing how much of myself I saw in her comments. I can only commend her for being so brave as to doing group therapy. And dissociation is difficult (now that I briefly admit that I went through it and didnt' "make it up") in front of a T you really really trust so I can't imagine what it's like in front of a group of people. I had a panic attack in a session once and my T got me to face the wall and run my hands down along the bricks. I felt so upset and humiliated. THe person who had hurt me had put me there, my life in bits, embarrassing myself in front of this grown man. I had to sit down, I was so so hurt and upset.

Ok....since I have basically written a novel I think I'll stop! Thank you all so much for your words of wisdom and support.

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs P,

I just wanted to let you know that I think your insightfulness is amazing. I admire and respect the way you are in touch with what you are feeling. Even though you are feeling so numb you are still working through and processing your emotions. Thanks for sharing.

Hi Mrs. P,

Thanks for giving us an update on how you're doing. I really hope your GP does a blood test, too. From what you are telling us in your posts lately, it sounds like there really is something significant going on with you that needs investigating. The numbness and lack of feelings, the SI, the withdrawal into yourself, the sudden emotional outbursts that end just as quickly...I'm worried about you, Mrs. P. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wish I could take it away for you. It is good that you are continuing to post here and I hope you keep doing that.

For what it's worth, I'm right alongside you thinking about my ex-T too. Is your new T okay with you talking about him? So far my new T has been very open to it and I appreciate that. I find it much easier to say to her, all the things I wanted to say to him. Trying to salvage the good, and let go of the bad and the ugly. Ironically, I'm trying to work through the unresolved issues about him in EXACTLY the same way I was trying to work through the unresolved issues with the old BF! ("At least I'm consistent," she brags. )

quote:

I know it is terrible but I often find myself thinking "my problems are nothing compared to so and so's and therefore I should just get on with it". And I feel like that's how many around me feel, they just don't have the heart to tell me straight out. I can totally relate to Wynne's constant insistence of "yeah but that doesn't apply to me, regardless of how logical it is for someone else". It's amazing how much of myself I saw in her comments.

Okay now I know you are a mind reader, Mrs. P. You pulled that one straight out of my own head.

Yes, it was so good to read the "Really really mad" thread again...and again...and again (takes time for it to sink through the concrete). AG, you really outdid yourself on that one. It is one of your absolute best. And it seems to be just the ticket for many of us right now. Wynne's dialogue gives voice to that battle inside...and the spin of humor they both put into it is delightful and helps me not to take myself quite so seriously.

It's good to hear from you again, Mrs. P. Your honesty and perseverence help so many others on this board including me. I'm glad you're here and I wish you the best for tomorrow's session (and for everything else too, of course).

Hugs,
SG

Hi all.

Apologies for not getting back to everyone else but I'm just gonna post here in the meantime til I get my head together.

Thanks for your lovely words SG I hope I can help though I doubt it! But I do appreciate the help and support I get from all of you.

So yeah, I did meet my T a few days ago. It went ok. We got through some more of my "story". One of the strange things that happened was that the room we were to use wasn't vacant and my T stayed outside for a minute or two with me. We made smalltalk and it felt so so awkward because I didn't know where to go with it. And what was going through my head while she was talking to me and while she was getting the room ready was "I would be freaking out now if this was my ex-T and I was going to see him" but "I really really wish I was going to see my old T instead". It just felt so different. I don't know if it's just the beginnings or whether we're kinda suited but not quite. I mean I am not a demanding person, I tend to accept whatever I am given and never ask questions. I'm sorta waiting for it to develop. it's just the informality of it feels not quite right. I mean I might've secretly wanted this from my old T but not with my new one.It's a weird thing to say but she laughs too much!!! I know that's crazy but there's a lightness there sometimes that makes me feel uncomfortable and for most people I'm sure it would have the opposite effect. She is lovely and I can talk to her...she even tiptoed around my feelings for my T in terms of how I felt about him and I said it's ok, I was definitely attracted to him. I loved the fact that she encouraged me to talk about him. I was dismissing my feelings as I feel like they were silly, baseless and that nothing could come of them. But maybe that's easier than facing that fact that I still feel them none the less. I was thinking about it today, I miss him so so so much and I don't allow myself to FEEL as such. I just say "yeah you miss him but move on, it's pointless, you can never speak to him again"

I told her about my emotional outbursts. We discussed my drive to succeed at things at length again...how I have unachievable expectations. I realised that not only am I trying to be what everyone else wants me to be, I'm trying to be what I think everyone else wants me to be. So really it's a big load of projection. My T actually said she was "exhausted listening to me and how it was little wonder I was so tired". I know she didn't mean it in a bad way and she even said tha herself. But again, I found myself comparing saying, my old T wouldn't have let that there to be misinterpreted. God the poor woman, I'm so harsh! I did tell her too that I had found I was striving to be the "ideal patient" with my old T and she emphasised that I needed to be honest with her, that I was in a good place to do that.

I asked for 2 sessions a week-she said she'd get back to me but sounded doubtful. I just find 55 mins to try and unravel this stuff once a week is excruciatingly slow. In another way I just need the support.She speaks about thinking about me between sessions and I'm unfazed. Whereas if it was my "wonder T" then I'd be having a fit in excitement and joy! Grrr....this is so frustrating. I want to scream and cry and act mad, totally unreasonable and demand to see him but I can't and wouldn't...I hate being "responsible". Funnily my T reiterates how I'm not being myself but trying to be what everyone else wants me to be. The problem is I don't know what I want besides seeing my old T and not feeling anxious and depressed.

Sorry, all of that came out of my head like a train wreck so it's probably a bit of a mess. It's so frustrating to know that he's only a few minutes away every day at work and possibly less, that I could bump into him. i keep expecting it to happen.

Time for bed methinks. Take care all.

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs P,

It is great to hear from you.

I can imagine it would feel weird if it was informal. My ex-T didn’t even have a waiting room, you had to wait in the corridor outside until the person before you came out. I felt like such a lurker and I hated it. That is just one of the things I am looking forward to about my new psychiatrist, he will have a proper waiting room and receptionist.

I know what you mean about hating being so responsible. That is exactly how I felt. I thought to myself over and over that I just wanted to ring him and ask him to see me out of therapy. Which I did, and he said he can’t. At the time I felt like that if I didn’t at least try I would never know. Now I feel a bit more sane and know that it would have been even more damaging for me if he did. When he ended so abruptly I did ring him crying and begging him to let me come back and eventually he did. While I felt like I would die if he did not let me, by letting me go back he just caused even more damage. My obsessive thinking about him has dramatically lessened since my meds were increased and it is such a huge relief not to be thinking about him. To me that proves that my feelings about him were out of my control because now I can concentrate on the things I need to think about such as my husband, children, work and friends.

And about being driven, I do that too. I am really hard on myself and constantly strive for perfection, for me it is all or nothing. I think it was if I was good enough I wouldn’t get hit when I was a child or abused when I was older. So I was always compliant and the happy sunny one, the people pleaser. But I still got hit and abused.

Also I think that the anxiety is exhausting. Do you feel really tired a lot?

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your response Halo. Yes! I am exhausted all the time!!! Particularly at the moment.

I have a friend who is in a very difficult relationship at the moment and I keep trying to help her even though she's practically oblivious to how she's treating me. So she's incredibly down and caught up in this whole thing ...I can't help but emapthise with her and when I try to be honest with how much she's hurting me I feel like I'm "kicking her when she's down" so to speak.

The real problem is that her on/off boyfriend and her mirror a conflict in my family very closely and I'm driver to the edge trying to support her and not lose the run of myself completely in all of this. It's so hard seeing a re run of past trauma in my face again. And the situation is such that it is generally on display for all of us to see, so there is no avoiding it. I'm seriously considering ending the friendship as it is too much for me to bear right now.

Mrs. P

Hi everyone,

Been finding it hard to keep up with posting recently. There's so much going on in my mind and I can't really verbalize it properly. I want to reply to you all...so many touching and insightful threads and posts-I just don't seem to have the energy to articulate myself.

I continuing to work with my new T and I find myself frustrated at the rate of progress. It's actually quite fast-it just doesn't feel fast enough. I don't want to speed it up for no reason-I just feel incredibly frustrated with my inability to process my feelings at the moment. I have conveyed to my T how good it would feel to cry, to let it all out. Every week I go to her,hoping in vain that this week will be the one where I finally let go, I finally FEEL something. But it hasn't happened and I keep feeling disappointed. We have touched on a lot in our first 6 weeks together, she knows quite a bit of my backgroud.I have not gone into detail about a particular incident that happened a few years ago that caused me to seek counselling in the first place. I have said to her that I probably need to discuss it with her. However, the only person I have ever done that in detail with was my ex-T-we did a lot of trauma work on it. I feel like I've dealt with it to an extent but talking about it is still very difficult. Since I have come to the conclusion, with the help of my old T, that this incident was more of a trigger than anything else and that's why it provoked such a reaction, I have been trying to deal with the root of my issues. Easier said than done.

I should really be posting this in the dreams thread but recently I have been having dreams about a lot of my family members-most recently on Friday night I had a very disturbing one with a lot of pain and fear associated with it. My arms were cut and bleeding and I was trying to escape from a family member. Before I went to sleep I had been having difficulty drifting off as I was thinking about my grandmother who passed away a year or two ago.

I was walking with friends today and one of them didn't realise that he lead us past my old T's office..the door was open. I had been thinking about him a lot today-I saw a man on the train who looked exactly like him from the back and I kept imagining it was him. Just walking past the office made me feel so strange. I keep wishing I could break the rules and go back to do therapy with him. I know he's just a symbol so why am I agonising over him. It was not him who gave me the comfort I needed but the therapeutic relationship. It gave me safely and freedom. But now I associate love and kindness with him and feel like I get it from nowhere else. My new T is lovely but in reality it's totally different. I happened to bring up body language with her last week-saying that my old T always looked so open and relaxed. She immediately asked me how i felt about hers which I thought was very good of her....it would've been much easier to avoid it as she probably knew that my response wouldn't be as positive as that of my old T. I brushed it off. I said she was just different. In reality I much preferred his. I don't like how informal she is and the jokes she makes. It makes me feel like things are somewhat frivolous and I guess I take the whole thing very seriously. I don't think she does it at inappropriate times, I'm simply not used to any of it. My ex-T very rarely made a joke and I actually preferred it that way. I can see so many good qualities in her as a T though...her willingness to talk about my ex-T, her openness and reassurance that the sessions are all about me and that I should dictate things. I told her I felt bad going on about an ex-T with her and said that it was perfectly fine and normal, whatever was on my mind was up for discussion.

What can I say except that I'm tired. Tired emotionally and physically and psychologically. I need some sort of emotional release and it won't come. My T hasn't been able to provoke it out of me and I'm having difficulty getting through to it either.

Apologies to all of you whom I haven't replied to yet. I am reading and thinking about you all.

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs. P! It’s so good to hear from you again. I’ve been wondering how you are.

Your frustration at the lack of progress sounds a lot like my own. I wonder how much of it has to do with “starting over”. Not only have we already been through this material before, but now we have a new set of reactions to respond to. And I don’t know about you, but between my former T and what I say on this board, sometimes it’s hard to remember what I’ve already told her.

You’ve been seeing her for 6 weeks. That’s 6 hours, right? I’ve only seen my T for 9 weeks (9 hours). That’s not really a lot of time. And on top of everything else we came to therapy for, now we have grief over the former T to add to it. It also sounds like maybe you weren’t finished processing the original traumatic incident you spoke of. Neither was I. So it sounds like we’re dealing with a lot, and hey...what do you say we give ourselves a little break?

You spoke of feeling “shut down”. After a few short bursts of crying over the former T, I’m shutting down too. Those first spells made me hopeful that the dam was finally going to give way, and now...nothing. Well, not exactly nothing. I can feel something in there but the walls are pretty strong. Hopefully in time we will get there!

I’m so sorry about the frightening dreams you’ve been having. I’ve been fortunate enough not to have had very many scary dreams. My poor daughter has them a lot. She’s only 6 and has some really disturbing dreams. She just had another one last night and there is no obvious reason for or meaning to them. I’m wondering if we should take her to a child psychologist (!). Do you ever talk to your T about your dreams?

It would be so hard to have to walk by my former T’s office every day. I can totally understand why you want to go back. You even said once on another thread that you wanted to sit in the waiting room and “pretend” – I get that, too. And it is true that he’s a symbol in some ways, but I don’t think it’s fair to say that’s all he was, do you? There was a "real" side to the relationship, too, and of course you will be sad about losing that for quite a while. Especially the "unnaturalness" of how therapy ends, so suddenly and for no good "natural" reason other than some arbitrary rule about a limited number of sessions. Maybe you’re doing the same thing I’m doing with respect to my former T, trying to minimize it intellectually in order to try and force yourself to get over it. Let me know if you are able to get it to work...because I sure can't

Your new T sounds fine as far as the basics go, but I think I’m hearing you say that she doesn’t feel like the greatest fit in the world. She is still new enough that it must be hard to tell whether she’s losing in comparison to your former T, or in comparison to your preferences in general. Is there any way you could interview a few other T’s just to see? Maybe you could find someone who is more your style. I know, I know…the thought of starting over again makes me cringe too. It was just an idea.

I can hear your tiredness...this is hard work. I hope that you have a breakthrough really soon, Mrs. P.

Hugs,
SG

SG and HB...thank you so much for your responses. I posted more to vent than anything else but I really appreciate what you've both said.

SG-I have spoken to my T about my dreams as they are usually quite vivid and about whatever is bothering me, I tend to dream quite a lot. Recently they have related to my family and the one of Friday night was quite upsetting but hopefully it's behind me. I haven't had one like that in a long long time, if ever. In a way I'm hopeful as I feel like the rawness of the dream might mean that I'm getting closer to the pain and reality of how I feel. That is the only thing that is keeping me going really-the thought that the numbness now shows just how close I am getting to the root of the matter...at least that's what I'm banking on!

As for your daughter....I'm really sorry to hear she's having upsetting dreams. Since I don't know her and don't know the extent of these nightmares I don't really feel I can give advice (that and I'm not a mother!) but I get the impression you're very well in tune to what your daughter is feeling-I don't know if my mother would've known if I had been having such disturbing dreams at such a young age. I do remember always having quite strange and disturbing ones sometimes-once I had a dream of a man being shot in front of me...it seemed to real that I felt like I almost needed to talk to someone professional about it the next day and that was quite a few years ago.Even at an earlier age I was nervous of having such scary dreams. I think if you listen to your daughter and how she feels you'll be able to comfort her and keep an eye on how she's doing.

HB-your post really struck me. SG mentioned your point above but maybe not in such stark terms and I thank both of you for not shying away and tackling it head on.When she brought up the body language issue I immediately knew I would deny any issues I had with her. I still wonder how we can have a strong relationship if I say that the way she counsels me feels wrong in the way it does. It seems like such a fundamental and inherent thing-body language. Who am I to dictate to her what is appropriate. For all I know my ex-T acted in an unusual manner. I might be craving an unachievable goal again-no two people are the same and I will never get a clone of my ex-T. However, I hope to bring it up again in the next session. I'm weary of it derailing things as I find the hour so incredibly short

I walked past my ex-T's office again today deliberately. I don't really know why. I think there are a few possibilities-I want to feel close to him/I want to get upset and finally vent some of the feelings that have been buried for so long/ I'm choosing to hurt myself again. I was seriously considering sitting in his waiting room today. I knew that when he came out and asked me what was going on that I wouldn't know what to say. I was hoping I would cry and he would comfort me. But I'm not sure that would happen.In reality I think I would feel awful afterwards, a total embarrassment and burden to him and that is basically why I didn't do it. What could he do? He couldn't counsel me. Even if he spoke to me I know that I would have to try to let go again. I hate being forced to not see him, not speak to him, not feel his presense, not hear his voice..soothing me, sticking up for me, drawing me back to questions that I have avoided answering. Asking me if I am ok...with a look of genuine concern.

Mrs. P

Hi all,

Apologies again for the lack of replies on the board...I'm gonna try get down to it this week.

Just an update on how things are going with my new T-well and not well! Well in that she tried role play with me and it really had an impact on me, it got me to open up a lot more or at least got me to become aware of what I was feeling. She took the position of someone who apportioned blame to women who were taken advantage of who were wearing skimpy clothing/drinking etc. I got very upset, indignant and uncomfortable so in that sense it brought out my true emotions. She also suggested writing a journal-I find posting on here is quite like it-but in this case she wants me to write more often, each night I guess, and so far I think it's been positive. Maybe something clicked with me on Thursday as I began crying for little or no reason on Friday night and did the same on Saturday morning when I began writing. And it is such a sad, sad feeling. The tears just fall almost silently and continue for as long as they need to. I'm going over some rough stuff in my writing and I think it's triggering the crying. I don't know if it's a one off or a sign that I'm beginning to get somewhere. I never like to get hopeful as there are days when I feel ok and then I can have a really tough patch again directly after.

However, I'm beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable in session with other things. I worry I'm overreacting and comparing her to my old T far too much. I know I idolise him way too much and should keep in mind that they are all different. It's just some of the language she uses unsettles me. And what can I do? It's not ever that it might upset her but I mean how can she change who she is? I think she likes to empathise with patients but for me I think it makes me more uncomfortable. For example, she told me a story about failing an exam last session as I had been discussing my struggle with wanting to achieve to the highest level-not because I wanted to but because I couldn't bare failing. The other thing I remember was how I had said that while the now infamous kate moss quote of "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" made the rational side of my brain think "what an idiotic and untrue thing to say", the side with no self-esteem that dominates my being thought "ya know, she's right! And I'm one of those people" So I said that to my T and she confided that she thought the same thing as well-much as it embarrassed her-she had had the same feeling. Which should be taken by me as "well at least I'm not the only one that's so insecure that I take such things to heart" but really I just didn't know how to feel. I also realised that my T volunteers to counsel me and that brought up feelings of being a burden to her instantly.

Bleugh, I just feel like I'm making problems where is none!

Take care everyone x
Mrs. P

Hi everyone.

I'm so so sorry I haven't been posting. Honestly, I don't know if I will be posting properly anytime soon. I love the advice and support I get from you all and I hope that my replies to some of your threads help in some way. There are so many threads that I have empathy with and wish to reply to but when I try to read through them I immediately find stuff that I relate to and want to help with but it's too much for me, it hurts too much to face it and I cannot motivate myself to do so. Even posting today has been a big effort and takes a lot of time to get myself in the frame of mind to do it. I have tried to journal and similarly it has been a real struggle...my dreams have been very vivid lately too, full of metaphors that relate to how I feel.

As things stand I feel like I have lapsed back into serious depression again. Possibly to do with my actions and behaviour, which is not helping me. For a good while I have felt nothing but I have gone back into that dark place again where the idea of ending things seems the only viable thing to do. I hope I am not triggering anyone. I haven't seen my T in almost 4 weeks and I guess that hasn't helped but I almost dread the sessions as they are too too short...one hour a week just isn't enough. The depth and intensity of my feelings and thoughts are barely scratched upon in that hour.

I have been having dissociation and panic attack experiences during sessions, particularly when talking about traumatic past experiences and my relationship and feelings towards my ex-T. In fact, my relationship with my ex-T feels like it's driving my depression deeper and deeper. It's intensity does not have seem to have eased at all in 4 months. I'm sick of calling it transference and labelling it. All I can do is FEEL it and it's overwhelming. I know it's about security, safety, love and affection, probably more than about the man himself but it doesn't feel like it. I still want him to rescue me and I still want to give up and let someone else take control of my life. I have confided in my new counsellor that I desire either physical and emotional affection from my T or abuse and violence, both to the same extent. I thought it was perverse. She said it was not and that both involved me giving up control and power.

I have an opportunity to see him this week possibly as I know he's holding a workshop for students in my uni. I feel pathetic for being so influenced by it. And for wanting to see him so so badly. I'm torn and tired.

Thanks to everyone on here for everything.

Mrs. P