It was time to dismantle sweet T from his pedestal, and he actually helped me to do that today.

I just finished an almost 2 hour session (was supposed to be just 1 hour)with sweet T, and my head is spinning, so I don't really yet know what this post will look like. So much happened as we are clearing the air and getting ready to do some EMDR sessions.

I was brave, and told him everything. At one point, I was sharing a spiritual truth for me, and he responded with 'I don't believe that'; to which I said gently but firmly, "but I do." (that was a risk for me) Much of our discussion was about 'our'...his and my attachment stuff. (ok- mine to him) He shared too about his stuff, but as it related to my struggles. We talked about the unspoken- the romantic undertones I feel in session- and more out of session, and the fact of how I hate him being in my head so much. As we shared, he admitted to the mutual attraction, and gave 10 reasons why this was not surprising to either of us. But he reinforced the need for boundaries and the fact that we can use this for my healing. We talked about me wanting to feel special. He intuitively knew that i meant more special than any of his other clients. (that door was closed by him, and rightfully so, but so sad for me) He thought I was extremely brave for sharing this. (I am feeling extremely stupid for doing so) He acknowledged that we could easily be friends if our relationship were different- a huge need for me, a year ago. Not so much now though.

As we talked and shared, we both learned stuff about our Dad's and how they were similar in some ways.- though he remained acutely aware of not making the session about him. At one point- he was teary eyed- when I said something negative about him. but this thing led to a huge ah-ha for him, and how his actions were a repeat of stuff his father did to him and the family. I told T that I am acutely aware of when he is present and when he is not. He acknowledged this and said that he is consciously trying to change this. In session- he is attuned, but sometimes on rare occasions, when I would see him outside in real life, he seemed to blow me off. The fact that I called him on it- 'challenged him'- as he says, and allows him to grow. He told me to watch for a change in this, and if I don't see it- call him on it again. (the pool incident was an example of this)

I talked about how in some ways he is like my father- skilled with a bright science mind and way of thinking, yet too having keen insights into others. Also having a great sense of conversation (something I lack) and humor. But my father had an extreme dark side that we children lived with most of the time. This shadowed the good in him. I explained to T that at times I sense his dark side, and become fearful. (he is no where near to where my father was in this, though)

I told him of my dependence feelings for him, and how much I struggle with it. He was kind and supporting, but said he feels no such feeling for me in that way. I think this- coupled with the closed door of being special to him- is the reason for my sadness. (perhaps a kind rejection) He came over and sat next to me and hugged me. He held me for a long time. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. (I can never cry in front of him- I think I will make that a goal. I feel the pain- but it stays inside. It is still in there)

We talked about the boy with RAD and how- even though his behavior is severe at times, that I could relate to some of his impulses and I have used some of the same coping strategies when I am emotionally charged (but I do not have the need to express them) This too was very sad for me to admit. He just continued to hold me (safe side hug).By the way, this was a first.

I figured I'd clear the air before we went deeper with the EMDR. I also wanted to make sure that in sharing all of this, I still feel safe with him. I think I do, as he was very gentle with me as I let myself be so vunerable to him. I have never done this before- in discussing what we mean to each other. So hard to do.

I am sad. Almost as though I am mourning the loss of him on some level, but hopefully feeling strong enough to carry on with him on a new level. It feels as if the clouds were lifted a little, but now I'm waiting for the sun to shine. No sun yet.

As I drove away, my phone beeped. T txted-"thank you... I enjoyed the time with you. to which I replied, "Yeah... it was good, really good."

I don't suffer from depression, but this feels like depression. I feel like a candidate for the cymbalta commercial. I don't even want to move. I could stay in this chair for a long time and remain motionless and almost numb. Somewhere- deep inside are the tears. If I could only find them.