Hi Everyone,

This is my first "real" post. I wanted some feed back on a situation that I am going to have to get closure on without the participation of the two therapists involved.

I know that I have done everything possible to try and resolve this appropriately and it is getting bigger and messier. I've counseled with four therapists about it and three bishops in my church. At this point, my current therapist and bishop say it's time to move on. The Ts' perceptions are their perceptions, etc. Anyway, I wrote this "final" email to the therapist who now supervises the therapist I transferred with more than two years ago. Its taken on a legal tone and it involves a program that someone in my family is still utilizing the program. I just want to know if you think this is a clean, clear email that doesn't sound like I'm begging or accusing, that gives information and treats them appropriately without a feel of revenge or disdain.

I have changed all names. T5 is the therapist's current supervisor. T4 is my current therapist. T3 is the therapist that helped me identify the transference and abandonment. T2 is the previous supervisor of T1 who is the object of the transfer. Sorry if this is confusing and long.

Here's the letter

Dear T5,

I’ve given a lot of thought to sending you this email. I understand from T4 that you are not going to discuss the situation with T1 with me. Still, there are some things I need to say.
1. I was shocked and surprised by your email to me accusing me of behavior bordering on “stalking and harassment”. It was inappropriate, reckless and inaccurate. Your words and tone disregarded everything you know personally about me and your accusations have no basis in fact.

You stated in the email that as your “friend and administrator”… However, you did not speak to me as if I was your friend, a former client of the program, the family member of a current client of the program, or as if you were a therapist. I’m not sure where you were coming from in that email.

2. Contrary to your understanding, I was NEVER told not to contact T1. I was told by T2, not to discuss this situation with anyone at the program and I have not. T2 also told me that she asked you to speak with T1 and me together. The only time I “spoke” about this to T2 was in February and everything else was via email. If someone told you that I was given a no contact rule with regard to T1, I suggest you ask to see it in writing; it did not occur.

3. When I learned that you knew about this situation, I was concerned about our relationship. But, I thought that you would at least hear me. I never thought that you would draw conclusions from limited information.

4. The chronology of events that you shared with T4 is incorrect. Your facts are inaccurate. T3 has all of my emails and writing with dates in the office. They are there until I am ready to get rid of them permanently.

I have not engaged in any behavior that even resembles stalking or harassment. I emailed T1 sporadically; often with months in between I have not spoken to T1 nor shown up to see him at the program since January 2010. At that time, he knew I would be stopping while I was in town. I have never violated his personal space, family, shown up where he was or anything of the sort. The emails I sent were not harassment in any way. T3 has the copies if you would like to read them. On just about every occasion, when I asked a question of T1 his response was no response. He simply ignored the question. He didn’t say “no.” He didn’t set a boundary. He simply did not respond.
a. Hypothetically, if there was a no contact rule, why would the program make the decision to place my family member back in therapy with T1, whether for two months, two weeks or two days? T2 was aware of the family member's concerns about T1’s behavior towards me. Family member had dreams where she’s screaming at T1, why don’t you talk to family member? Why can’t you even say hello? She’s told me, “I don’t know why he can’t just say hello. That’s just plain rude.” I have always told her, this is just the way T1 needs to handle this situation. I’ve never expressed anything except gratefulness towards him.
b. The dynamic that has been created now with Family member seeing T1 is ridiculous (during T2's family leave). You indicated to T4 that it’s my family member's therapy and if she’s uncomfortable, she can take care of herself. Well, you don’t know my family member and you seem to be unaware of the power a therapist has on a client. Even with her upset, anger and confusion, family member loves T1. The real question is how can anyone who knows family member asks her to separate the relationship with her family member and the relationship with her beloved T1 who has outwardly shown disregard for me?

Now, it is simply something we will live with. I reiterate that changing family member's therapy now would be extremely detrimental to her. So, please just leave it the way it is.

6. I am the only person who has taken any responsibility for this mess. My questions, concerns, attempts to understand and gain closure have been met 100% by deaf ears and stonewalls, as well as some legalese. Your email to me and comments to T4 seem to be more of the same. Professionally, I actually thought you would like to really understand this situation so that it doesn’t happen again.

7. The idea that T1 or you are acting in my best interest to help me let go or move on is nonsense. The idea that you are not willing to discuss it with me for the same reasons is also nonsense. T5, you don’t have enough information to make that judgment. There are three therapists (T2, T3 and T4) that all have tried to help me gain some closure from T1 and/or the program. Does that mean anything to you?

8. I do feel very hurt T5. I have lost my entire program family and friends. Thank God I have not let that spread to the knowledge, tools and healing I gained through the process. There is certainly a part of me that feels vindictive. However, I assure you that I’m not going to file a complaint or contact a lawyer. Sadly, your position and ‘response’ shows that is exactly what you are concerned about. Months ago, after I received an email from T2 filled with legalese, I gave my word that I would never hurt you, T1, T2 or the residential place as an entity. You’ve done too much for my family member and my family. There’s no room in my life for being vindictive, holding a grudge or waging revenge on anyone. I only wish that you and your colleagues had interest in my well being too. I’ve always given you and the program the real me. It seems that is not what you all have given me.
9. It’s clear that you don’t understand how this situation has impacted me. The pain and disruption to my life has cost a fortune in therapy and many days and nights. You know, I almost came to discuss the situation with you. Last October, I texted you and asked if you were going to be there the next afternoon. Your response was “I wish if it means meeting up with you. ” But you were away at the time and after that day, I lost my nerve. I was worried about T1. I didn’t want to cause a problem for T1 or “get him in trouble.” I knew it was my feelings and my pattern that resulted in T1's discomfort (or activated his own stuff), even though it is something that happens frequently in therapy. As I understood the concept of transference, I learned that there are ways to address it. I also learned that ignoring it is the worst possible thing a therapist can take, with tremendous consequences possible to the client and sometimes the therapist too. Today, I have a clear understanding of what was happening with me and I want you to understand it.
a. I first started having the feelings of attachment for T1, very soon after family member’s registration to the program. I noticed the feelings and my familiarity with them as well as my fear of losing the relationship with T1 – of him wanting to get me out of his life. I tried to talk to T1 about it. I was embarrassed for what I was thinking and feeling and scared that I was going to destroy our relationship or hurt the therapeutic process for family member and our family. For me, my feelings for T1 and the pattern I was re-doing was proof that I was the person I was trying so hard to convince T1 I wasn’t. You fill in the blanks T5. I was sexually abused by multiple people from the time I was five until I was 15. I used food as a way to protect myself but that didn’t work. I was told early on that boys would only want one thing from me. I can’t tell you the number of times I heard the word slut; but I think the first time was before I was 11. I made the decision in 7th grade that skinny girls were the epitome of slut. At 14, a doctor who was giving me shots containing the urine of pregnant women and had me on a 500 calorie/day diet, told me that I would never be normal because of my weight; it had totally messed up my sexuality. At 18, I finally told a dermatologist to stop groping me during exams and insisting on open mouth kisses at the end of an appointment.
b. T5, up until your email, I was so ashamed. I truly believed that I was the horrible, sexualized little girl that I was trying to prove to T1 that I wasn’t.
10. Whether T1 chooses to or not, T1 shares responsibility for this situation. However, he continues to let me believe that it is all me. He never responded to my concerns. He never considered everything he knew about me or tried to help. He did not set boundaries. He let his personal feelings interfere. In January 2010, he did set a boundary. He told me that he would not do (something personal and identifiable) for me. It made his wife uncomfortable. He said he would do it if family member asked him. He said that after that day he would not discuss our relationship. We could talk only about family member, etc. I accepted what he said, thankful to at least have some relationship with him, the same as any other former program client. However, T1 changed the rules and never spoke to me again or responded to me via email or telephone. He changed from a hug to a handshake when we ran in to each other. Whenever I’ve tried to correct or at least neutralize the situation, he has ignored it and me.

T5, your response to this situation has continued the hurt. I understand you backing up your employee but where does real concern regarding the client or former client come in? You told T4 that family member was the client, not the family. However, I believe the program prides itself on healing the whole family. I believe the work is done with all family members giving them a chance to grow and change as individuals, as parents and as a family unit. Am I wrong? That sounds like a legalese distinction for sure.

To use your words, as a “friend,” and “administrator” I would have hoped that you were genuinely concerned with my welfare too. I really thought you cared.

I had hoped that T1 could be cordial the last time we were in the same room together. I saw it as an opportunity to just move beyond the hearsay and the nonsense. But he did not speak to me. We were in the same group; I sat next to him on the sofa. It was just like a day in 2010 when we we sat across the table from each other and he acted as if he didn’t even know me. On that day, I went to him and said, “Hi, T1 how are you doing?” I was trying to normalize things. Now I know this is how he handles difficult situations, he stops talking to the individual.

I know that T4 and my bishop are very concerned about me sending you this email. They both want me to not to worry about what you and/or T1 think about me. They said it doesn’t matter because no matter what the truth is because your perception is your perception. I can’t do anything to change it. I see that, I know that I have tried everything reasonable to amend this situation. If you were my friend, or even acting as a therapist, you would feel my pain and you would never want anyone else to go through this type of situation.

It would be a lie if I said I wasn’t hoping that you would read this email and then follow the prompting to talk to me. However, I expect you to continue stonewalling me because you are afraid of what I might do legally, or worse.

It’s up to you if you want to continue to believe your fears and take the CYA approach. Like I said before, I have no room for revenge, vindication or resentment in my life. In addition, I would NEVER do anything that would hurt my family, cause her pain or embarrassment or interfere with her relationship with the people at the program. I told T1 a long ago, if fixing our relationship meant giving up the healing and blessings that came from the program experience, I would stick with the relationship I have now. However, now there is new hurt and I need to find a way to heal.

T5, I am praying with all my heart that when I send this email I will have no expectation. I pray I really can handle more of the same behavior from you/program. I pray that I will be able to live with this and that soon it will be a faint memory. I pray for T1 all the time because I know it must have caused some pain for him. I've apologized and asked for forgiveness. I truly believe that I can forgive and forget all that has happened and be content with a hello and simple conversation at another time when we're in the same room again. I am praying that I can be okay from this. One hundred percent of what I wrote is the truth. I hope that makes a difference.