I still think about her every single day. I still have dreams about her and I cry a lot. I miss her so much one second, and then the next second I am angry at her, the next I wish I had never met her, and the next second I wish everything was back to the way it was before therapy ended.
I guess what I can't seem to figure out, is what I need to do for these feelings to relent a bit. I have thought so much about it and I go back and forth with wondering if 1) Not having closure (or a proper termination process) is the problem, or if 2) The intermintent contact is what is causing the problem?
I realize it is probably a little bit of both. I have thought so much about a closure session. I even text her about it. She gave me a time I could come in. Stupidly, I had made myself believe that b/c we had no proper termination session, that I would not need to pay for the last session. When I asked her about it, she said yes, I needed to pay. That made me so upset that I just told her forget it. I guess maybe that shows that I am still not ready? That I have made myself believe that I don't need to pay her for a session. Of course, I also know that part of that belief of mine, is all the boundary problems we had in the realtionship.
Ohh humph, this turned out to be a long rant. I am so lost. I don't know what to do. I am so tired of thinking about her. Crying about it. Using my energy that could be spent with my family and kids to mourn her. I know she is not doing the same about me. It makes me angry.
