No doubt life is difficult. As an emotionally abused and neglected child I desperately wanted to be loved. My socialization skills were lacking and I had what felt like an abyss of neediness.
I was listening to that "the power" youtube video about love coming from inside of us. It has no limit to our ability to generate that feeling if we want to. We can make it overflow within us and people really do respond to that overflow. I do agree that love is the positive force in the universe that propels us forward.
I had two awful T experiences and I never thought I'd be capable of ANY relationship ever. My current T relationship has been very blessed to be exactly what I wanted. It too is coming to end. I feel secure with it.
What I learned is we can spend time focusing on what we don't want and can't have or we can put our time into the people that appreciate us and what is working.
I also felt like I would never be capable of finding a relationship with a man even though I know I am attractive. I am still dating but I feel a kind of hope that I've never felt before like I know someone will respond to the love that's beaming from inside me. I have to put myself out there. I think I've always put up barriers to men. Objectified them as my father to a degree had done to me.
I think because I was from that abusive family that never got much help in it my horizons felt socially limited. My two early therapies echoed that message of love being so limited and from a limited source.
The cool thing is and I can recognize as an adult that love is self generated and endless and inside of me. The adult me has choices that the child me never had. Love is a wellspring I can draw from. Its ironically what I had been searching for. There all along. I kind of on some level knew this but didn't know how to focus on it.
Will I keep this insightfulness forever? I hope so
You've helped me better understand that chasing your therapist is a cliche. Perhaps the cliche of the emotionally starved child being heard for the first time.I am excited to put love out there now and see what & who responds. What life brings. And yes of course we can get hurt but knowing love is endless and self generated it is helping me to feel fearless. And I have to keep calibrating towards the positive.
Those are my thoughts.. I guess this is what my healing looks like. I wanted to share it with you. I have appreciated reading all of your stories.
The major change and insight for me this particular week, last week it was acknowledging the cliche of chasing your T, is I've put such boundaries around my heart when it comes to men. I guess I resented my father but was desperate for his love. I think I am finally ready to be more open with my heart when it comes to men.