Oh yes. Those nerves and antsy-ness? I still get it after a long T vacation (long as in 7+ days which means missing 2-3 appointments for me) I also know that I tend to do one of two things on my first session back after a break. I either a) go in all nicey-nicey and have a very light session just chit-chatting and avoiding anything serious (and usually end up crying all the way home for not talking about what I really needed to talk about) or I b)intentionally try to piss T off cause I'm mad that she was gone.

Thankfully, T knows me quite well by now, and doesn't let either of those situations last long - if I'm all chatty, she'll let me go for about 10 minutes or so, then cut right to the chase and ask what I'm avoiding bringing up. If I'm pissy and trying to frustrate T, she'll let me rant for about 10 minutes and then again, cut to the chase and acknowledge that I'm likely avoiding my feelings about her being gone, which is true, and it gets me every time.

I guess what I'm trying to say (rather long-windedly) is that it IS pretty normal what you're experiencing! The important thing is to not cancel the appointment, and try to bring up what you're feeling right now so you can talk about it with T. From reading here on the forums, it seems like a lot of people (myself included) have ruptures once their T returns from a break. In talking about your feelings right now with T when T returns, it may help avoid a situation like that.

As for the stranger part, it took at least a half dozen breaks from T for me to realize that T ALWAYS comes back the same T she was when she left. I still get anxious that she'll be different when she returns, but I know that's just my fear talking, cause so far, she always comes back the same (though sometimes a little bit tanner!)

(((NAVYME)))

My T hardly ever takes vacations but I could totally imagine having the range of emotions like you describe.

quote:

Like I've forgotten all of the good things there and can't relate back to the way we relate to each other.

It might take a couple of sessions to reestablish that connection again but you'll probably be really happy to see her when the day arrives and maybe it'll feel like she was never gone at all.

Hey NavyMe.

This has just happened to me!!!

I don't recommend what I did.

When I was away T and I kept in close contact - we video skyped and she emailed every couple of days. Did everything to keep the connection. I have a severe case of out of sight out of mind and I could not conjure up a visual picture of her let alone any feelings or past experiences. i rarely have her in mind.

So i got home and part of my weird thinking was that if I can go away and not see her for 3 weeks, what's another week? So i cancelled. Then i couldn't remember her at all, I had no qualms or emotion about cancelling and was ok. So i thought then - well if I can go 4 weeks without her why do i need her.

I was afraid. I was terrified. I was scared that she had changed, she had forgotten me, she would terminate me, she would look different, sound different, be different, relate to me in a different way, she would be sick of me, tired of me, not know how to help me, not want to help me - and basically that whatever we had was gone and everything had changed. I wouldn't take the risk of something being different - i was ready to walk away.

She reassured me that nothing had changed and she was there for me.

I went back last week - I think she was surprised at how shut down and disconnected I can get very quickly. We have scheduled 2 x weekly appts for a while to help me connect. We did have a big rupture about her contact with me and she has increased the contact so that we get back on even keel. During the rupture - yes, I was trying to annoy her, test her, get rid of her - just to see if she would stay 'stuck' to me.

Yep, she is still there, unwavering, solid.

YOu just have to go back. Tell T how you feel - it did help for me to go inwards and think WHY am i thinking this way and it was all about fear.
Somedays.

Thanks for the replies - I always appreciate your individual insights and personal experiences.

I guess I'm worried that I'll be my usual insecure self...because I've already been sitting here thinking up all of the ways I'll sit across from her and apologize...

I've been intentionally avoiding processing anything... and haven't written anything at all in my journal...Honestly, I've left the journal in my car this entire time. Generally because when I journal about something, it opens up a field of other things...and then the floodgates open and I find myself in need of her help...

And I didn't want to have to need her on her vacation...and I am afraid of needing her, and sending her an email, because what if she doesn't respond and I feel contempt? What if she does respond and I feel guilty? Bleh...

I guess I've worked really hard at containing my crap for the past weeks while she's been away, and I'm worried she'll either be disappointed that I didn't bother to put work into myself while she was away, or that I'll waste her time by not being ready to work again when she comes back...