Hi CL,

It sounds like your T was really moved by your gift. On the one hand, it sounds like you feel good to know you really matter to him; but on the other hand, it triggered more emotions that can't be directed toward him anymore. It's a double-edged sword and I can see why you're feeling so confused. I'm glad you posted it here to get some support.

There were so many gifts ideas for my T that came to mind in the course of my own therapy. But he told me once, if I really want to annoy him, "gift" him...in other words, he doesn't like receiving gifts. It bothered me that he wouldn't let me show my appreciation somehow. It got me thinking that a T should have some boundary-appropriate way of allowing a patient to show their gratitude. But you've seen yourself what a fine line that can be.

Since I never got to share my ideas with him, I'll share them with you (I hope you don't mind):

1) This was not really a "gift", but I was afraid to do it because I was afraid it would be seen as gift-like. He has two hanging plants in his office, and he pointed out once that one of them has leaves that are turning brown. Shortly after that, we installed a barrel to collect rainwater for our houseplants. I wanted to bring in a gallon of rainwater for his plant. I was even prepared with a rationalization if he protested: I was going to say it's depressing to look at a dying plant, so I'm really doing this for myself. Ha-ha.

2) There's a Dr. Suess book that was my favorite as a kid, and it has come to mind repeatedly since starting therapy with him because it's basically about facing your problems instead of running away from them. It's called "I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew". As a kid I hated the ending; I always wanted to kill the key-slapping slippard and get to Solla Sollew, instead of staying where I was and dealing with my problems. I thought this would be a humorous but relevant addition to his bookshelf, personalized with a little statement of gratitude from me. I did end up getting the book, but kept it and I read it once in a while to our girls.

3) One day we had to meet in someone else's office because his computer had gone down. They had a "Zen" garden (sometimes also called sand garden) that we played with a little bit. I thought he should have one in his office too. I went on-line and found several variations; the one I wanted to get him was a "Day at the Beach" version. But I didn't.

4) The most personal idea for a gift came to mind because for the first few months we met (winter/spring), he was always saying how cold he was and turning up the heat. I wanted to suggest that he bring a sweater or jacket, but that felt weird to say like I was taking care of him. But I thought it would be nice to get him a pullover for his office as a good-bye gift. Except it was way too personal and there's no way that would have worked.

5) My last and best idea was the "gold coin" with "Keep Punching" stamped into it. This was a phrase he borrowed from a guitar player on-line to encourage me; the gold coin was an idea I came up with from a reference he once made to "therapy gold". So to me it was kind of an embodiment of what our therapy relationship meant to me. I might still do this one and send it to him with a letter, somewhere down the road.

All in all I'm glad for you that he accepted your gift graciously and thanked you for it. You were very thoughtful to give it to him, and very thoughtful and respectful in how to give it to him. You deserved a kind thank you and I'm glad you got it. It might seem hard to imagine right now but hopefully you can eventually let go and move on to the new T...I know how hard that is to think about right now, I really do. Just keep posting if you need to and let us help you get through it.

Take care,
SG

Thanks so much SG, your ideas really moved me They all sound so unique and thoughtful and I think we're all moved so much by our T's that we find special ways of trying to express our feelings and gratitude.

I know what you mean by not wanting to get something "personal". I knew that getting the support for his back was very personal in a way but I guess I wanted to show that I really listened to everything he said over the past year and that while there were boundries, he was special to me. I really did care about him and felt very protective and defensive. Recently I had my brother and mother asking about him and I really hated it, particularly since my brother was insinuating that he wasn't working on the right stuff or at the right pace. I enclosed in my card a PS stating that I didn't know what his policy on gift giving was and that I had no problem if he wanted to return it, just to let me know. I really respect him and his position and didn't want to push any boundries, even unspoken ones. It's funny, the card I found felt so perfect, it was of a little girl, all in black and white, hiding behind a vividly coloured sunflower. It seemed to sum up me and our relationship so well. Of course, I would have preferred if he kept it and thankfully he did.

I feel like I'm just going to have to grieve over him and this scenario for a while. Thankfully I've stopped dissociating, I haven't done that in a long long while. Thanks to everyone one here for being so great as usual.

Hi CL,

When you talk about wanting to show your T that you really listened to everything he said, and when you said you felt protective, and when you talk about being so careful about boundaries, it reminds me so much of how I felt about my T too.

It does make me wonder something, though. About my situation, not necessarily yours. Is it possible I was more concerned about him than he was about me? Trying to take care of him and his needs, instead of the other way around? Sometimes I don't think I was being real with him because I was so worried about offending him. And if I can't be real with my T, then how can I learn more about myself?

The imagery on the card is striking. You said it summed up your relationship...I'm curious about that. Did you feel you were hiding much of the time? I hid from my T by wearing my coat all the time. I even brought it when the weather got warmer and wore it when I got inside the air conditioned office.

I hope you don't mind my asking this...it's just that I would love to find a T that I can be myself with, warts and all, who will help me change and grow. And as much as I might like someone, I can't change and grow if I'm hiding who I really am. Or if they're not seeing who I really am...my T missed a lot of what I told him.

I guess I'm rambling now so I'll sign off...thanks, CL!
SG

Hi SG.

Don't apologise at all! I'm glad you asked those questions.

Here is a link to the pic I was talking about, thought the background and the girl is black and white in the card.

http://cache4.asset-cache.net/...F0EFE30A760B0D811297

As for me putting his needs before mine, as a person I find it very hard to think about myself first. It is the basis behind a lot of my behaviour as I have been doing it all my life. I hate "disappointing" or "bothering" people. That's why I had such difficulty deferring, bringing up my transference, expressing myself on so so many occasions. On the day I went in to my final session, and in many situations like it, I put disclaimers into my speech. For example, when I ask my T about something I may think he handled in a way that wasn't good for me, I would say what I thought but tip-toe around the issue a bit and make sure he knew that I wasn't slagging him off. That's not to say I didn't open up to him on a lot of difficult stuff, I said lots of things I've never told anyone else or ever will. But yes, with everyone I know, and particularly those I care about, I find it difficult to bare all. There is this thing of wondering if "they can handle it" and we discussed the issue of whether I thought that my T was judging me or my actions. There was a few things I withheld from him for a long time before I eventually told him, mostly due to my feelings for him and what he'd think of me after I told him. I did care too much about how he "thought" of me. And I think that's going to be a big issue for me to overcome with any T I form a bond with.

As for your observation of the card and hiding-with some of the issues I was discussing with my T I did feel like hiding. I began to take notice of my body language more and more in session, it was always very "tight and closed", completely contrary to his open and relaxed look. I felt very vulnerable in there sometimes, I remember one day, after a particularly tough session I felt so vulnerable, I didn't want anyone to touch me, even him.The thought of it appalled me. It was like I had been stripped of all defenses.


So the card:

Part of me wanted to feel like he was attracted to me and was very protective of me. I think I succeeded in the latter in part. To be held and reassured was my main goal sometimes. At one point, when things were really bad, I just wanted someone to take over complete responsibility of my life, to hand myself over to the authorities, I didn't care where I went. I just couldn't cope. As for the girl, it's strange. I think part of it has to do with how I feel about him, that I had to hide some of it from him because I couldn't bring myself to say it. As well, that all therapy is about hiding and learning not to hide anymore, that it's ok to tell whatever has made you feel mad or sad or guilty etc. Another part is to do with how I sometimes felt like a little girl in his sessions when I got upset or we dealt with big issues or how I'd been hurt. A lot of recent work has been to do with how I was treated as a child and what I experienced so I guess part of the image is about me being faceless, wanting to hide from it all. I find a lot of social situations difficult, for a long time I had a serious bout of anxiety in social situations. Still I feel like I want to hide from the world, it scares me so much. So much of my life has been full of fear and worry of disappointing people or doing the wrong thing.

It's so hard to explain, it has so many different meanings to me. And while I felt it described things well, it's only now that I'm looking at it properly that I'm getting a better insight as to how I feel, so thanks SG

Hi Mrs. P,

After reading some of your recent posts, I want to say some things to encourage both you and myself, and I hope I say this right because I feel pretty strongly about it right now. Maybe it's because some of the things you say remind me of my little sister, whom I love dearly and fiercely. In fact, I often unconsciously get her name and my own daughter's mixed up and I don't realize it even when speaking out loud. So my love for her is pretty profound.

So many of us on these boards with attachment injuries will turn ourselves into pretzels trying to find ways not to bother others with our needs, so naturally we do this with our T's, too. You said something in another thread, I think, about wanting to make sure your T knew that you always paid attention to what he said, and you wanted to make sure you always respected the boundaries. Please don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with that, it means you are a very caring and sensitive person. But it just struck me...isn't that what our T's are supposed to be doing for us?

I just think we need to be careful about this. The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be ALL about OUR needs. I guess this rankles me a bit right now because my T allowed the therapy to become somewhat about HIS needs. And even though I wondered about it, part of why I didn't say anything at the time is because I didn't want to be a "bad" patient, I didn't want to be a bother. And it opened me up to some bad "therapy". Yours didn't do that, as far as I can see...but I just wanted to encourage you to be very selective with your next T, and as much as possible, LET it be about your needs. You deserve it. Don't be afraid to ask for what you need and to say what you really think. AG recently told me, remember SG, a T can only take you as far as they've gone themselves. If your T can't handle your honesty, then it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you at all...it just means that your T hasn't grown up enough to be able to handle that level of honesty. It could mean you are stronger than they are and you need a T who can match your strength.

Have you ever looked at the guide to psychology website? There's something said on there that fits here. Sometimes we worry that if we're honest, we'll lose someone's love. But if that happens, all it means is that we never really had their love in the first place. All we've really lost is the illusion of their love.

I think I'm writing this for myself as well as for you. Maybe even more for myself, I don't know. For some reason it is easier to tell others what I need to hear myself, than it is to hear from others. Anyway I hope you hang in there, I know you're having a rough time right now and I feel for you because even though I found a new T, now I'm having doubts...what if she doesn't like me, what if I screw up this therapy too, all that negative self-talk that is such a habit. But I know you will continue to grow and move on from this place and you will be stronger for it. I'm so glad you are here and I enjoy getting to know you.

Take care,
SG

Hi SG.

I've got lots I want to say in response to your post so it'll probably be long winded and all over the place so bare with me. First off, thanks for such a thoughtful and thought-provoking post.

Like I said in the other post, I'm beginning to wonder how much of this thing is self-inflicted, that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, that I'm not doing enough to help myself but just wallowing in the depression. That it's easier for me to be down and unhappy rather than facing discomfort, criticism, things going wrong. I really don't know anymore. I rarely trust myself or my feelings and usually think I am over-exaggerating what's wrong and now I'm more unsure than ever. And everyone around me seems unsure what to do and tired of how I'm feeling-not mean but they're sad I'm unhappy and feel like I'm not doing the right things to be happy.

In all honesty, I find the world and the people in it terribly confusing. I don't understand why people act the way they do, or what I should do in the world. I'm not religious, I don't think there's an afterlife, that doesn't bother me really. I'm ok with the fact that I think there's no higher power, in fact I feel like at least I know what's what with that aspect of life. But I feel sometimes (and please don't take this in a bad way) that life is so pointless, that people die and suffer and live and at the end of the day it's all forgotten, we're merely human, insignificant, just another animal.

Sorry! Like I said I tend to drift!

The point I want to say is that I get what you mean about minding my T. I thought about the gift I gave him. I bought it in the presence of a number of friends. One asked if I was getting it for my dad. And that upset me as my dad isn't well and I have trouble dealing with that. One part of me hates to see him so unhealthy, weak and fragile. But my relationship with him is so comlicated, I find it difficult to empathise with him a lot which is totally unlike me and I feel so guilty. Yet with my T I thought about his discomfort and physical pain and tried to help him. In that sense I can see the transference being acted out in a very real way. To be honest I was a little disappointed to get a female T-for one thing I think I'm a masochist and almost see myself getting attached to another male T, I want the security and protectiveness of another male T and I feel like I need as many protective and caring men in my life as possible because I crave that feeling so much.

As for the honesty,your comment was very interesting as I find I'm honest with very few people. I talk quite a bit about how I feel with my friends but am reluctant to burden them with the darkness of my feelings, how I've harmed myself and continue to want this and to want to escape for so long. My parents don't seem to understand me, I feel I will never be able to tell them I'm bisexual and how dark my thoughts are. That I'm very angry at my dad and in part my mother for so many things. How I wish they supported me more. How I can't stand my brother's distance sometimes. The most honest I've ever been has probably been with my T and even with him it took a lot to get my emotions out. I never told him about the depth and details of my feelings of him, struggled with mistrust of him, my destructive feelings towards myself and how much I wanted him to take control of my life. I cared about him so much, I've only realised this now. I did my utmost to respect the boundaries and yet I wanted to break them, for him to break them so badly. I didn't speak about that either. I often feel that i want men in my life to break the boundaries, when I think of destructive things about myself I think about men being sexually aggressive towards me, I feel like I need to it feel real pain, to deserve real empathy or sympathy.

As for your new T, I really hope it goes well. I think mistrust is very natural at the start, but your words remind me of me, when I started going out with my last boyfriend; I used to think "This is so nice, this can't last, what if something goes wrong." It is never productive. And like you, I feel I'm better at telling other people what I think will help them than helping myself. I don't know how I can get to know a new T again but I have to try. Thanks for sharing your experience and thoughts in a time when I need all the help I can get and particularly from wonderful people like you on this forum.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

All the best,
Mrs. P.

Hi Mrs. P,

There was so much I could relate to in your post. Especially wondering about what I should do in the world. I used to talk to a friend of mine about this, and she called it "existential despair". The husband of a friend told me once, "Do something, even if it's the wrong thing." He was only half-joking, really. At least by doing something, I learn something. Have you ever heard the song "You Learn" by Alanis Morissette? It captures this idea really well.

I've got to go right now but I'll write more later because there's more in your post I wanted to respond to. You really touched on some good points.

Later, 'gator!
SG

Hi again Mrs. P,

Your description of giving your T that gift, and its symbolism of the attention you'd like to give your dad, if you could, brought tears to my eyes. You're right, it is so confusing when it's hard to feel empathy for a parent, when you know that for most other people, you could. But parental relationships get so complicated and conflicted that it can be hard to know exactly what you're feeling.

Obviously for you there was much more meaning in your giving your T that gift than I realized. Much more than there was in the gifts I wanted to give my ex-T. So basically strike everything I said about that, I was only talking about me. Actually I think what you did was really beautiful and I hope you share it with your new T, when you settle on one.

quote:

I want the security and protectiveness of another male T and I feel like I need as many protective and caring men in my life as possible because I crave that feeling so much.

I really understand what you're saying here because this feeling was behind the "white shirt" attraction I had to my ex-T. I tried to tell him this in the last session we had, that white is symbolic to me. It make me think of a "white knight", of purity, safety, strength, protection. That's why it kicked off such a strong feeling of wanting to be held.

Now I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I can relate to this, too:

quote:

I did my utmost to respect the boundaries and yet I wanted to break them, for him to break them so badly. I didn't speak about that either.

This is quite a contradiction. Why would we crave safety so much, and at the same time, crave danger? No wonder it's so hard to talk about all of this in therapy. Thanks for sharing this, Mrs. P. I would like to bring this up with the new T and see what she says. Maybe you will be able to do that, too, and find out what it means for you.

One thing she said to me last time, is that my parents used me for their own needs. And so did the old BF, who was the first "parent" I'd had. So I'm used to being used. Maybe that's at the root of this contradiction. I crave being used because it's what I know, but I crave being safe because it's what I need.

I can relate to some of the dark thoughts you mentioned, too, but I worry for you when you mention self-harm. Did you ever talk to your T about that? I hope you can find a T with whom you can be open with about this so you can work through it. Please keep us posted and let us know how your search is going.

I've got to get to bed...talk to you again soon!
SG

Hey SG and Mrs P

I can definitely relate to this

quote:

Now I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I can relate to this, too:

quote:
I did my utmost to respect the boundaries and yet I wanted to break them, for him to break them so badly. I didn't speak about that either.

This is quite a contradiction. Why would we crave safety so much, and at the same time, crave danger? No wonder it's so hard to talk about all of this in therapy. Thanks for sharing this, Mrs. P. I would like to bring this up with the new T and see what she says. Maybe you will be able to do that, too, and find out what it means for you.

I told my T that each time he broke one of his boundaries it gave me encouragement that I would eventually get what I wanted which was him. And I was determined to do what I could to make him break the next boundary and the next boundary. He asked me if I wanted to annihilate him and I said no, not him, just his boundaries. But that isn't really what I wanted, I wanted to mean more to him than his boundaries, so that he would keep breaking them, one after the other, until I got what I wanted. I wish I knew why this was so important to me. It is what I think about every waking moment.

At the same time, I never felt safe there either. Especially after he ended and then let me go back. I was terrified that he would end again.

Hi SG and Halo.

I'm glad SG that you could understand where I was coming from with the gift. That had been in the back of my mind everytime I thought about it. It made me feel selfish, like I don't help my dad enough. But there's this distance between us and I can't seem to fix it. I think he has noticed the change and is puzzled. I can't help but snap at him when I'm at home. The feelings I've had towards him that I buried are starting to come to the surface and it's not pretty. My counsellor even referred to the "power of the weak" in that my dad was unwell and thus I feel terrible for feeling angry at him. When my current mental state was brought up by my dad he said a number of times that "oh, I noticed how cranky and snappy you have been for a while now" which really bothers me as I feel it is incredibly rich coming from him. I feel like my family is wrapped in so much pretense and denial and they are almost denying the state I'm in now for fear of having to face the truth.

It's interesting that both you and Halo have had experiences of almost wanting to be hurt, for the boundaries to be crossed even though what you both needed was safety and healing. I know that a lot of my fantasies about my T are simple and I just want the feeling of being held, protected, loved. But on the flip side there was this longing for him to abuse me, to break the boundaries which would hurt me in the long run. I even had a dream about meeting a new T and in the dream I was appalled at how badly he treated me and had a similar one about my ex-T.

Focusing on the present, yesterday was very, very tough. This past weekend I drifted into that dark place I've been in a few times before in the past year where nothing is positive, nothing is worth doing, nothingness is everywhere. Besides that feeling, anxiety has built up over the smallest things. The thought of getting a bus, being outside, booking a flight all fill me with dread. My whole being is filled with dread, like something awful is going to happen. It is so scary. When that happens all I want to do is escape. This morning I appear to have come out of it. The usual malaise is there but at least I can get up and think a bit. I don't feel overcome with fear. I really don't know what is causing these intense feelings.

I told my old T that I wanted to do bad things to myself but he didn't really explore them. He seemed worried and at the beginning he asked me not to doing anything to hurt myself but I think he realised that I was looking for more and more care from him, for him to save me. He told me that if he encouraged that that it would leave me feeling more helpless in the long run. He recommended a centre that specialized in self-harm. But since I have done it often or to a great degree I don't feel that it would be appropriate.

I wish he would save me.

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs P

I know the feeling of those very very dark days. I had one yesterday too. Letting the demons come out and feeling the pain is overwhelming and I have found that I will do anything even things that are very unhealthy behaviours so I won't feel the pain.

That is what I am hoping will happen with my new T, that I will have the safe place that others on this forum have talked about, to feel the pain and not be so terrified of it.

In the meantime I have found the best way to get through those dark times (when it feels like there is only one answer) is to have a plan already in place. For me that is having some support people to ring when I am desperate who love me and want to help me. They don't understand what I am going through but they do understand that I need them. Also this forum has saved me on a number of times. Too many to mention really. So thank you to everyone on this forum.

Hope you are feeling better.

Hi Halo and HB.

The idea of a plan sounds good Halo. I have been scared many times and find it difficult to reach out because my family don't know how bad it is or possibly don't know what to do. My friends have heard about it so often I don't know if they want to hear it again. Once it was so bad during the year that I emailed my T, it was just before I went back to him for therapy after being with a different therapist for 3 months. I told him I just couldn't cope and felt scared. That I felt embarrassed but didn't know who to turn to. He rang me a half hour later and talked me through it and pushed my appointment forward.While he coudln't give me any advice that would help, it was nice to know he took me seriously. I think that's something I struggle with a lot; how deeply I feel and how hard it is to convey to everyone or anyone. This is beginning to sound terribly narcissistic but it's so hard to convey that I'm so close to the edge, I might as well be standing on a high cliff, wobbling back and forth. Physically, if something like that was happening, people around me would worry and panic. When it's emotional and mental you just have to deal with it.

As it stands I'm just counting down the days to my first session. I'm afraid of judgement and what I'm going to come out with. But at least it's something to focus on. Another day at work today and I feel like I still have no direction at all in my life.

@HB,thank you for sharing the metaphor. I know exactly what you mean about the black and white. It's so hard to unlearn. Weirdly enough I was hanging up the washing last night outside and I was thinking about how nothing in this life is perfect and how sad it makes me. I know I felt like my T was perfect but in reality I know he's not at all. I find it difficult to accept that it's so hard for people to be perfect, that my ex-T couldn't be perfect all of the time. It's a strange longing I guess but I live in a totally "all or nothing" mindset. It cripples everything I do. I either kill myself doing something or don't do it at all because I can't bear for anything to be unfinished or imperfect.

Mrs. P

quote:

Originally posted by Hummingbird:
Hi Mrs P
I know exactly what you mean, the way it comes out for me is that i can't stop, once i start something no matter how tired i get i push and push and never ever feel happy with what i have done. I cannot begin to tell you how this thinking has crippled me for so long. I have spent my whole life doing and fixing and pre-empting, trying to figure things out before the time so there are no surprises, planning and organising frantically to try feel in control and okay. It took me a long time to get exhausted and realise i was living on the edge of panic. Stopping meant the black hole devoured me, at the moment it feels like it is spitting me out in raw, bloody bits.

For a year and a half every single difficulty i spoke to my T about he would remind me at some point how i needed it to be clear and that the situation that was troubling me often wasn't. It was only last month that i woke up at 4am suddenly understanding what he has been talking about all this time.

I am only starting to drop the striving for perfection that has made my life hell. And underneath it all, I think it is the sadness i have been avoiding all this time, the imperfections, the faults, the lazy, bad, greedy, sad parts of me and of life.

And it is hard to leave things to be what they are and i wish i knew how to stop struggling because even doing nothing is a struggle for me and terrifies me.

HB

Hi HB,

It feels good not to be the only one who thinks this way. I feel completely neurotic trying to control anything, and when things don't go to plan it can be very unnerving. I really can't see how I'm going to "do nothing" as you say. I have never found it easy to relax. There was a sense of guilt associated with it, like there was something I should be doing with my time. That was so intense and continued for so long that now I am at the point when I feel like I can't do anything, everything is too much of a struggle and I still want everything to be perfect.

It is only when my body has stopped me before that I had to take notice. When I physically break down I have to stop. But until then I keep pushing. I've pushed so hard that it has gone beyond physical and is now mental problems and I really need to get to the bottom of this sooner rather than later. When I was ill last year I felt like my mum was almost blaming me for putting myself under so much pressure, causing the illness. I know she was just worried but I was hardly aware of it happening until it did.

Mrs. P

Hi Mrs P and HB

quote:

I know exactly what you mean, the way it comes out for me is that i can't stop, once i start something no matter how tired i get i push and push and never ever feel happy with what i have done. I cannot begin to tell you how this thinking has crippled me for so long. I have spent my whole life doing and fixing and pre-empting, trying to figure things out before the time so there are no surprises, planning and organising frantically to try feel in control and okay. It took me a long time to get exhausted and realise i was living on the edge of panic. Stopping meant the black hole devoured me, at the moment it feels like it is spitting me out in raw, bloody bits.

arrrggghhhhhh this is almost scary the way you have put it in words....this is exactly the way I feel. Both of you sound like my soulmates, I have finally met people who get the feelings.

I am crying while I write this because it is so real and so sad. To be so damaged that we are scared of being even further damaged. My exT has damaged me beyond belief. I am terrified of that black whole. I will do anything to avoid it.

Mrs P one of the very important things I have learnt is to not be afraid to ask for help and tell people how I am feeling. Really directly. I say it how it is - I will say that I really need some help I am really desperate and my gp (do you guys have a general practitioner, that is what they are called here in Australia) is always excellent in listening to me and knowing I am telling her honestly and openly when I need her. When I have directly asked for help I have always gotten it.

Hi HB and Halo.

On the anxiety thing, going through one of those at the moment. I can't quite put my finger on it (those are always the worst) but I do feel quite unsettled at the moment. And I find that particularly so when I walk around my campus in the cold. There is something about the weather at the moment that must remind me of last year and how I was feeling then or something because I began to feel anxious and sick when I venture outside. There is something really scary about it.

Mrs. P

I know what you mean about being triggered but not being sure why or what about. I am the same with rainy weather, it really depresses me. I wish I could offer some suggestions to help you but I am anxious at the moment too and not finding much that helps me. Talking about it helps, here and with friends/family. That feeling of dread is the worst hey?