Iknow it is hard.... I'm feeling that today....

Hang in there!

Hey GE,

Greeneyes,
You have every right to be angry about what happened to you and to desire justice. It was wrong and you did deserve better. Unfortunately, no matter how much we wish for it to be and work to make it so, life is not fair. Do not trap yourself in captivity to having to get something from the people who did not provide it in the first place, or even from other people who had nothing to do with the abuse in order to move on.

These are real losses, but the solution is not to hold on to the expectation of justice or recompense. Working through the anger and letting go of our demand for justice frees us up to live fully now. We may not have gotten what we needed then, but we can now. And why should we let our past get in the way of that? That just allows the abuse to continue to hold sway over us.

I thought for a long time that the only way to heal was if my mother acknowledged what happened to me and how wrong it was. And guess what? That ain't never goingn to happen this side of heaven. I do NOT need her acknowlegement. What happened, happened whether or not she believes it and it was wrong. And I have shown a lot of courage and fortitude that she does not recognize in healing from it. If I continue to look for that from her, it only gives her the power to continue to hurt me.

All that said, be as angry as you need to be for as long as you need to be. It's your anger and deserves to be heard.

AG

Thanks for all your support and comments.

Ang- sorry you're in the same boat thanks for understanding


Pops you're amazing and gorgeous
I know nothing can change what's happened nor the grief and anger that is there to know.
But (and these are my T's words not mine) because I suffered so severely to the point that its amazing I'm alive, I want my life to be easier because it is so hard to heal and function. For example I'd love to not have financial worries (no mortgage, private school fees paid for, generous shopping and holiday allowance) so that I could study full time, so my hubby could stay home from work when me or bubs is sick etc. having that would remove so much pressure of normal adult challenges that most face with a secure attachment and family support. Neither of which I have.

AG I've responded to your comments on your blog but I always appreciate your honesty and insights. I can accept life is somewhat unfair but the unfairness I've e peri ended has been so extreme that I question why I'm continuing to live in a world that has the capacity to inflict so much harm and damage and then walk away leaving you with nothing

((GE)) This gets down to probably one of the hardest parts of healing which is grieving those losses and somehow coming to accept that you will never be able to get back what was lost. Like the others said - try to be gentle with yourself as you grieve all of those losses. The grief sometimes feels like it will swallow you, but allow yourself to lean on someone you can trust to help you through.

Hi Green Eyes,

I just happened to come across this about compensation in a book I am reading. Here is the link. It's on page 180.

compensation

Sorry, it starts on the last paragraph of 179.

((((GREENEYES)))))

quote:

but the unfairness I've e peri ended has been so extreme that I question why I'm continuing to live in a world that has the capacity to inflict so much harm and damage and then walk away leaving you with nothing

I am often saddened and disheartened by the amount of pain human beings have to experience generation after generation. There doesn't seem any particular reason why. It all seems to go back to attachment needs and loss. If we didn't feel that stuff, we wouldn't care if our siblings got killed or bad things happened to people we love and/or ourselves. It really is a double edged sword. Yes, they help us survive but survival can be really shitty.

There really is no good explanation or reason why you had to suffer the way you did. It IS unfair and it sucks that life had/has to be harder for you. I feel that way often too. It doesn't get me anywhere BUT it does feel affirming to acknowledge that things are unfair and it's not right. There is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes I even think that it's good to, well, not dwell in it, but own it, recognize it as part of who I am, part of my story, my identity.

The world gives and it takes away. I think it's all very random and does not have anything to do with our worth, our value as human beings. Trying to make some meaning of it and find hope can be challenging at times.

Thanks Liese, Cat and Kashley.

I'm in such a bad place with this at the moment. I can see my compensation and entitlements are nothing and can't even put words to the rage or unfairness that springs from that knowledge. That if I'm to continue living I have to with the knowledge of what's been taken and destroyed is so exponentially beyond anything i've ever and will ever receive. Small injustices and unfair circumstances I can live with. Not sure if I can manage those of my own life though. As my T said there are no words that can begin to describe the nature of the unfairness of my past. And the fact that it happened and there's nothing special waiting for me, well why bother really??

Hey Cat vie held onto that hope for 25 years. I really can't see how it will happen for me

Cat (and anyone lse ho wants to chime in) how did you get out of this hole?

(((GREENEYES)))

I made a choice to keep going for my kids. That's the only reason. If I didn't have them, I don't know if I'd be here right now.

But, I couldn't live in the hell I was living in. I wanted more, for me and for my kids, if I have to hang around here longer than I want to. It's taken A LONG time to get to where I am now. I don't exactly have great hopes for the future but it's better than how I'd been feeling. One day at a time, type of thing.

I know you have a son? I think you have a son, actually. You and I both know how devastating it would be for him if you chose the other option. But to stay is torture. If you can just hang in there, keep working on it and trust those of us who have been there that it will get better. Maybe not right now or even in a year. But it will get better.

You are probably in the most painful part of it all, the most painful part of therapy. It's worth fighting through it. Be good to yourself and be kind to yourself. Try not to expect too much.

((((((GREENEYES))))))))

I have green eyes too!

GE, I think Liese is on to something. She mentioned your child. Maybe you have to look at it more in terms of, you are getting compensated through having a chance to make your child's life better. They can't take that from you, no matter what. You have actually been given the gift of re-doing good parenting through your child. It certainly isn't all you want but boy you can sure make a huge difference in stopping the cycle and better insuring you child has the best shot possible of having a good solid foundation for their life. Take care.

Cat, yes I have a one year old son.

My T is phenomenal, I simply don't deserve him. Within the framework of therapy, he would do anything to help me and I know he cares about me and loves me. Its hard between sessions because I don't find phone or email contact particularly helpful.

My hubby is a fantastic support. He of course has his own difficulties and a less than idyllic childhood. He also works as a shrink so I try to be mindful that he's been listening to patients most of the day and sometimes doesn't have the energy or emotional reserves to be there for me.

And the community here at psychcafe.ca has been an amazing support since I came across it. Sometimes because of the time difference between Australia and UK/USA/Canada etc responses can take a bit longer to come through.

Liese, my son has been vital in keeping me go a number of times. And yep I refuse to condemn him to the childhood I had so I know I have to keep going for his sake, and any other children I might have in the future. This week has been particularly hard because hes been really sick and hence VERY needy, clinging and crying. Its so trying and I know on one hand that he feels awful and has no other way to communicate this and desperately needs my presence and care to help him feel safe and a bit better. But there were times internally when I thought "gee come on you're not being abused like I was, its not that bad!!!". I don't act on this, but its hard not to feel guilty at some level. And through him being sick I've still had to do all the normal stuff at work and at home. I don't have extra help available which really sucks.

Its hard to hope I will feel better when I've had severe depression and periodic suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. But the hardest thing to accept is that there's no great prize or reward awaiting me after I'm better - just the normal challenges of daily life I would've encountered regardless of a good or bad childhood. Its accepting I'm entitled to nothing and get no compensation for the hell I have been put through and thought it was worth trying to survive.

Love and hugs to all of you xxx

((((GREENEYES))))

quote:

This week has been particularly hard because hes been really sick and hence VERY needy, clinging and crying. Its so trying and I know on one hand that he feels awful and has no other way to communicate this and desperately needs my presence and care to help him feel safe and a bit better. But there were times internally when I thought "gee come on you're not being abused like I was, its not that bad!!!". I don't act on this, but its hard not to feel guilty at some level.

It's so hard when they are little and needy. I've had thoughts like that too and it is hard NOT to feel guilty but there is definitely a difference between thinking something and doing something.

quote:

And through him being sick I've still had to do all the normal stuff at work and at home. I don't have extra help available which really sucks.

It's so hard to have a little one and not have any help.

quote:

Its hard to hope I will feel better when I've had severe depression and periodic suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember. But the hardest thing to accept is that there's no great prize or reward awaiting me after I'm better - just the normal challenges of daily life I would've encountered regardless of a good or bad childhood. Its accepting I'm entitled to nothing and get no compensation for the hell I have been put through and thought it was worth trying to survive.

What Becca said was great: through having a chance to make your child's life better.

Not only your child but the people he comes in contact with and his future wife and children and grandchildren. It wasn't all meaningless. You're changing the world for the better.

Hi Greeneyes.... I was in a pretty deep hole after my oldT abandoned me a few days after I had surgery (which was not life threatening but nevertheless very frigtening to me) and then a week after he left me I had complications from the surgery and had to be hospitalized again for another procedure.

I think I was at my darkest point then and I was so traumatized I didn't even know where I was half the time. My young son kept me going. He was the most important thing in the world to me and it took every thing I had inside me to push myself forward for his sake. And I HAD to work because we need my income to pay the bills and I could not afford to lose my job. I also had good support from my sister and a dear friend and the members of this board. But it was still very difficult. Luckily, after seeing 4 other T's I found my current T and his belief in me gave me strength and hope.

What keeps me going is the excitement on my son's face when I go to his baseball and basketball games and watch him play and when he is performing in chorus and I'm right there cheering for him. I know how much it means to him that I'm there for him when he's not feeling well and when he's scared and when he is sad or needs help with homework. It gives me great joy to give him the things I didn't get as a child. Not material things, but the care and continual presence of an attachment figure. The involvement and interest of an attachment figure.

What keeps me going is the expectation of something good down the line that I don't know about yet but don't want to miss. Or the thought that maybe my being here will be important and/or helpful to someone else. You, in your short time here, have been helpful to me. Your posts are full of insight and intelligence and I enjoy having you here.

Sometimes we can't look too far into the future and it's better to just take one day at a time and try to find something good in each day, even if it's a tiny thing, like seeing your son do something new or feeling the warmth of the sun.

I know its' especially hard when the little ones are sick. When my son was really small my parents (now deceased) were elderly and I could not call on them for help. My in-laws live in another country. So it was just me and my dh. It was an exhausting time for me, especially as I was an older parent and had a full time job. There were days I took vacation time just to sleep while my baby was in daycare.

But they grow up quickly and these times will pass.

Hope this helps so you know you are not alone and that people here care for you.

Hugs
TN

Cat, Liese, TN

Cat - the fever settled and now we all have a bit of gastro
I can fully understand how tough it is to be a good parent when your own parenting was appalling and there's a needy child inside. I'm sure you're a great mum.

Liese thanks for the understanding. I know my kids will have such a different childhood and life to what I did and have. That is so important to me and helps me to keep trying to heal. And I found the book link very interesting reading so thanks for the link.

TN your message was beautiful, the love you have for your son is palpable, he's a very lucky boy. I work part time but its physically and intellectually demanding. Plus I'm doing post grad psych which is very full on this year, and like most women, I run the domestic front at home. It is sooooo tiring at times.


I'm still upset and rageful but I think it's more to do with processing grief about what did happen. I recalled a memory during T last week of having a major meltdown when I was 3 or 4 and my parents laughing at me and feeling so angry at them but when I tried to push the angry feelings out they bounced against an invisible barrier and ended up inside me spiralling out of control. Once they finished laughing they physically left me alone while I was distraught and frustrated. The memory blanked out there as presumably I dissociated to keep my sanity in tact.

Im surprised and overwhelmed by the care and support I've received here. You're an amazing bunch of fellow travellers to share the healing journey with

Hi Greeneyes,

What link?

Are you going to be a T? I know it doesn't seem like much in the way of compensation but think of all the lives you will touch and change as a therapist.

Liese you put up a link to a section in a book about adults feeling entitled following CSA.
And yes I'm going to be a T. Probably psychodynamic/psychoanalytic. Scary and exciting to think about!

Oh right. Forgot about that link. I'm really enjoying that book - well, what I can read of it anyway. I like the authors' soft stance towards what can be done and should be done within the therapeutic relationship. Right up my alley.

Good luck with your studies. You will make an awesome T.

aww thanks Liese