Hey All,
I hope everyone is well.

I have continued on with the same Therapist because I feel he is helping me and the thought of starting over: "No, thank you."

I have been working so hard to see things as they are vs. how I feel they are. The Therapist is going on vacation and I sent him a letter asking him if he could just write for me in his handwriting he wouldn't change his mind about seeing me while he is away.

We had a session yesterday, last session before he goes away. I will not see him for two weeks. I wrote the letter and knew he would get it before I saw him. I sent it early so he could get it, read it, think about it, respond in session.

The letter came up. He said he started to read it but was interrupted. He meant to get back to it and it was a very hectic week. He left the house, forgetting the letter.

I desperately needed the letter to be there because I could not speak about what was in the letter, hence the reason for the letter. We had a decent first half of the session and then when he said he had barely begun reading it and had not been able to finish it, I could not even speak.

He tried to encourage me to work through what it was I was struggling with and put words to it. I told him, "Of all days to forget, this is the worse timing. You are going away and I desperately needed you to read this before you left on vacation."

I gathered my things and he said, "You are feeling badly right now and if you talked about it, you would feel better." I said, "I am not able to. It is very difficult." He said, "I want you to understand when you leave, no texting." I then burst into tears. He asked me why I was so upset. I said, "Nothing."

At this point, he reassured me he would see me in two weeks and this was his word and his commitment. He said my job was to work through my fears based on current information.

I don't understand how this could have happened. He has always gotten my letters before and brings them into session. I tried everything within my power to make sure I would have a good handle on things while he was away and everything just falls through.

I called him and told him all he cares about is me not texting him. He wants me to talk to him about difficult things in person and I try to talk to him via texting when things are too difficult to discuss. He won't allow this.

I tried to make sure I would be okay, wrote the letter, trusting he would read it and he could tell me if this was something he could do or not. Of all times to forget, this was the one time it was so important to me.

I don't do well with the unpredictable and I don't give people second chances when they let me down. I really needed him and he failed me. This was huge for me. I needed him to understand and yet, he didn't even finish the letter. I am completely devastated.

If I could talk about it in person, I wouldn't have needed to send the letter.

The irony was not lost on me when this situation happened. When he said he hadn't even read the letter or brought the letter, I started laughing with a mixture of crying because I could not believe this was happening. So basically, I just opened up to him, which was a very difficult thing to do, hiding under my blanket at one point because it was so difficult to be seen.

I understand people forget and people are human. I don't give second chances and this was something I really needed.

I sent a letter telling him I don't understand how this happened, but the next appointment is the last appointment. I take a risk, open up and then he just forgets? You may as well take a knife and stab me right in the gut.

To try and put into words all I have been feeling is difficult. Yet, I feel this is the story of my life. I try to make sure things don't happen, they happen anyway. This is cruel. I am not cut out for relationships because when things happen like this, I cut the person off. I tried to keep things from happening when I was little, I failed. How much effort does one have to give to prevent things from happening and yet watch helplessly as they happen? Why try when what you are working against is going to happen anyway?

I work so hard so bad things won't happen, misunderstandings won't happen and yet, they happen anyway. I am not equipped to handle these sorts of things. I don't have the ability to overcome as these things trigger so much within me. It's terrible to have this happen between you and another person, but to have it happen with your Therapist, not what is needed in this moment.

I felt I was truly making progress and this all the more shows why I am not built to relate to people. I just don't have what it takes. I was not built this way. This is not an excuse, it's just true.

I am sorry if this seems disorganized, without structure. I just realized this reflects how my internal world is right now. Thank you for reading and at least 'listening.'

Any kind words and constructive feedback is welcome.

T.