So you all know I am having a tough time - having recently been terminated by my only counsellor and now scrabbling around trying to set up a team of people to help with multiple trauma and attachment issues, and got a therapist but she is very distant and formal and a bit aloof, a psychologist who is very sweet and supportive and then this EMDR T who is called M
So my first session with M last week, she asked me how I would like the room to be and I said that I liked cushions and a nice rug (hard wooden floor) and candles, and I said how the other T had lovely sheepskins etc and how much I liked that. This week I turn up and she has bought a NEW sheepskin rug for my feet and two new cushions and two candles, new, are lit and I am offered a hot drink.
I am stunned. She also gives me a nice blanket.
I feel so cared for. So simple. I feel that I am being treated kindly.
We then have a very powerful session using EMDR, my first experience of it, and we first establish the safe place (took a while as feeling safe is not something I have experienced much lately) and then she suggests the trauma experience that we shall work on and I go through the emotions of that experience in full intensity and actually MOVE THROUGH them feeling totally met, MET in a situation where I was not met, no one was there for me, but here I am reliving it fully, tears pouring body shaking, anguish, despair, terror, all the feelings moving through, and I am MET, not alone, the whole situation changes for me, and altho I end up in the leaden feeling in my chest (about 45 minutes or more later) - the cut of from feelings sensation that I have lived predominantly with for the last 44 years, - I feel met and the trauma 'memory' has changed.
As I sit there, she gets me another blanket and wraps it round me (tears are still plopping down my cheeks) and she takes my hand and does the EFT on it and then asks what hot drink I would like and goes out to make it, giving me a teddy to hold.
She comes back with hot pancakes and earl grey tea on a lovely tray and I just sit and eat and sip and feel CARED for, feel safe, feel different, feel met.

Later it struck me that I am carrying all this awful trauma stuff (i was not helped in any of my previous traumas, I was alone with the pain and suffering) and even afterwards I was not met, - I just tried to keep going with it all underneath.
Here in this room, I was treated kindly and caringly and I felt safe in my safe place and was being treated like a human being with kindness.

So different from the other therapist who seems so distant.

I feel so much better. This EMDR T said ' oh please phone me if you don;t feel okay. And email me how you are doing, til I see you next week'
She is fine with all this.

The contrast is huge.

And I have felt stronger and happier and not actually had to reach out to her, as I KNOW she is there if I need her, she TOLD me "phone me' so even in that offering, I feel safer more secure and not have to desperately want that - long for that, need that. I have it. So the need goes away. I feel soothed.

Oh loads of memories are now surfacing, I am flooded with them in the last two days and yet I feel okay with them. Like I have been met and my pain seen and witnessed and I have been met with kindness in my most alone and painful place and I feel changed inside.

Also , I did not get stuck, before I have always got stuck in the extreme despair and pain, in this EMDR I did not get stuck - I was able to pass through to the next stage which was the leaden chest and yet feel met. Deeply healing. Interesting huh?