Mayflower - No, you're not alone. I've sometimes found myself believing that sometimes I am getting myself all worked up for just that reason. I joked about how awkward it would be to be bawling in front of T all session and he said something about how that would be perfectly OK, good even, to share. I find myself desperately wishing I could make that connection...but it's not something that can be forced. So, there were a few sessions that I really focused on things that had been bothering me (even though they weren't currently on my mind) to try to push through my intellectualizing or otherwise blanking (dissociation) during sessions. It never worked. But you're not going mad. If you can realize you're doing it and be more gentle with yourself, I think that would be good. I am assuming these things come naturally...eventually. I want to be able to get to that point of just releasing my pain in session with T, but I don't think I can make it happen on my own.

Hi, Mayflower, and welcome. I can understand what you are saying. I used to think very much, that I was just feeling bad and worse "just to get attention." I was so scared of that, I was sure it made me a "bad person" and all of that. Finally I got my courage up one day and told my T that I felt that was what I was doing- just feeling bad in order to get his attention and care. It was very scary to admit that to him. He assured me that even if I was doing that, it was ok, because we need love, and if we aren't getting the need for love met, we will go to any lengths to find a way. In other words, if it's really true that you are doing that (and that in itself may *not* be true- it's likely that you might just be feeling very, very bad inside and then blocking the very real pain underneath by making it into "just trying to get attention") but even if you are- that shows all by itself how much pain you really are in, and that you do need your T to affirm you. It's kind of a paradox, but if you can accept that you really are in pain, you may begin to feel better about yourself enough to be able to share more openly with your T.

You are not going crazy- you are expressing a very real and very normal part of what comes up for us in therapy. Everyone's experience is different, but you are not alone in feeling the way you do about this, and it doesn't make you bad or wrong, just sincerely hurting.

I hope this gives you a little bit of peace, I've been just where you are, and found, in myself, that what was going on was a very effective defense against the pain- probably of being told as a child repeatedly that by even just *having* emotional needs I was "just looking for attention." I'm not saying that this is your experience, but it may be something like that.

Blackbird

I want to agree with BB here. A lot of the behavior I thought was attention seeking (and hated myself for) actually ended up being something else. Because, even when I was fully honest with T that I was worried that I was somehow attention-seeking and testing and started coming to him directly, saying, "I want to connect for the sake of connecting, because I feel I need to," that pain was still there. It ended up being about something else entirely. And, labeling it as attention-seeking was just another way of me avoiding, disconnecting and even judging it. I think admitting it to T might help you get at what other things these feelings might be about...but with all due diligence, I should add that in my case, that extra vulnerability about being VERY honest with my analysis of myself actually made things more intense (whereas I thought it was going to make it go away).

DF said:

"what I should say is my truth which is I believe I am hurting "just because I can". So I am walking the line of trying to dissociate how I feel because I feel better about myself or trying to experience the pain because I feel like that is "the work" I've been doing in therapy - trying to stay with my emotions whether I believe they are deserved/warranted, or not."

Wow- I just have to say that it is a good thing to have this little piece put into words. I have not been able to do that- but this happens to be where I am with it, also. Somehow having a frame around it just feels a bit better.

BB

Hi,
thank you all for your kind and wise words. They do make me feel more human and less abnormal. And, I can totally relate to this BB:

quote:

I hope this gives you a little bit of peace, I've been just where you are, and found, in myself, that what was going on was a very effective defense against the pain- probably of being told as a child repeatedly that by even just *having* emotional needs I was "just looking for attention." I'm not saying that this is your experience, but it may be something like that.

I must admit that in today's session I couldn't show any emotional needs, which made it fairly impossible for my T to connect. I couldn't bring up this hypothesis, as I was too scared that she'd send me away or punish me for *using up her time while there are people out there whol really need her time, and are not just seeking attention*. Of course, she would never ever say this or even think it, but I had really hit rockbottom. Evidently, you are all right in that if I feel the need to do this whole attention seeking thing, then there must be a reason for it; but that in all probability, it is not just attention seeking, but rather me not allowing myself to feel bad, just because I don't know what triggered the depressed feeling.

DF said: I feel like my T will see I have an excuse to feel bad, so I'm feeling bad. Actually, that's me projecting - what I should say is my truth which is I believe I am hurting "just because I can".

This is an interesting point too (I'm sorry your not in a good place because of this anniversary (((DF)))), as I accuse myself of doing this on a daily basis. We should realise that it hurts for a reason, find that reason, and learn from it. If it hurts, it hurts. There really is no point in ignoring it.

Right now I'm so sad and disappointed in myself that AGAIN I couldn't show any feelings during my session with T, and that I'll have to wait a whole week for the next session.

*slightly off-topic* I DID ask her if it was OK for me to email her, and she said yes if I tell her what the reason is. So as long as it's clear what I need her to do with what I tell in the email, it's fine yay! I think I am going to use this as an opportunity to split the week in halves, so that it won't seem as long. Session on Friday, email on Tuesday *smiles*

thanks again for your wise words!
May

quote:

but that in all probability, it is not just attention seeking, but rather me not allowing myself to feel bad, just because I don't know what triggered the depressed feeling.

I think it's great that you are thinking along these lines. I hope you will be able to bring your fears about feeling you are just making your feelings up to get attention to your T. That is a really painful place to be in, where you are not allowed to even feel the way you feel, and it's a real bind that hurts like hell. It makes sense to me that it would come from a place of earlier emotional abandonment. Maybe we were taught that our feelings are not real, so that we can no longer connect with our feelings because we can no longer believe them to be real?
I am so glad that your T will allow email contact- and that it will make your week easier to get through to have that extra contact.

It's nice to have you here!

BB

quote:

Right now I'm so sad and disappointed in myself that AGAIN I couldn't show any feelings during my session with T, and that I'll have to wait a whole week for the next session.

I often feel this way, MF. Its so frustrating when we can't access our feelings when we want to, but then when we don't want to access them, they seem to creep in and take over us...and of course that NEVER happens in therapy!