The Last SessionHunker down, get a cup of tea and find somewhere comfortable, I think this is going to be long even for me.
Strangely enough, I had a much harder time leading up to the appointment than I did afterward. I kept thinking all day yesterday “Hey, I’m doing pretty good” only to realize I was holding my breath (again). About an hour before I needed to leave, it broke through and I completely fell apart for awhile. And all I could think was “great, I’m going to be sitting there sobbing in the waiting room when he opens his door.” So I talked to friend on IM who helped calm me down. There was a very ritualistic feel to the day. Everything I did to get ready to go to the appoint-ment, showering, getting dressed, picking out jewelry, wrapping gifts, packing up my laptop (for afterwards) felt invested with meaning. I kept thinking that it seemed a tad over the top, but I couldn’t shake it off. For I all knew, it was the last time I would do any of those things in prepa-ration for seeing my T. So the whole day had a ceremonial feel. I also was aware that I was acti-vated so I was being very careful to leave plenty of time for everything so if I messed up I’d have time to recover. And yes, as you’d expect, I showed up at his office almost a 1/2 hour early
I went up. I usually like to get there five to ten minutes before I know he’ll let me in, just to clear my head. I sat down and ended up looking around the waiting room in a way I hadn’t since I first went there. You know how you stop looking at familiar places? He let the client before out and we said hi as she walked by and all I could think was that I probably looked like I was going to my execution. About 10 minutes later, he opened the door to let me in. We started out very much as usual. We both said hi and I headed to my normal seat on a loveseat which is across from the recliner he sits in. I stopped on the way to open the heart box I had given him, so I could see the heartstone in it and I had the blanket he had given me with me (I always do for appts when I realize I want to be held.). This is going to be hard to describe, because in some ways, it was what our sessions always were but at the same time, there was an acute awareness that this was goodbye, palpable for both of us. There is always a great deal of meaning and power invested in theraputic interactions but the effect was especially intense. I am extremely grateful that we were incredibly connected and attuned throughout the whole thing. My biggest fear was that we would have a “disconnect” and I would have to leave that way. I knew that the chance was pretty remote, but the fear was there.
When I sat down, my T actually opened with “so this is it, how are you doing?” He looked very warm and compassionate, which really helped, because as soon as I saw his expression I realized that any way I felt was, as always, welcome and would be ok. So I told him that it had been a couple of interesting weeks, that I had experienced so many different emotions but throughout it all, I was still clear that it was time. We talked about how difficult goodbyes could be, especially for someone who hadn’t know secure attachment, old losses and griefs were evoked. I was able to tell him about making the connection between not being able to trust my perceptions of my father and not being able to trust his care, but that I had moved past it, recognizing, yet again, that those feelings were about the past and weren’t necessarily true now. He took notes as usual.
He was really clear about acknowledging that this a hard thing to face, and that I could express however I felt. When he said that I really broke down crying and he said he knew this was a painful thing to face but that I could move through it and would be ok.
We spent a good chunk of the session, talking about our work together. I had asked him to iden-tify what he thought were some of the most significant moments in our work together and I would do the same. It was a wonderful discussion as we recalled those moments. The ones we picked weren’t all the same but there was some overlap which was pretty cool. I think it was il-luminatiing for both of us to see what had seemed important to the other. One of the moments I brought up, was the first time I had really let myself experience the grief of not having had what I needed, and the loss of not being able to ever get some of it. When I came out on the other side of the grief, I was incredibly clear. It stands out for me because I had never been so comfortable being myself. Later, reflecting on the appointment, I realized I had felt something I so very rarely felt, beautiful. I told my T about it at our next session, which was terrifying, because I really did fear being treated with derision and scorn, I mean, how dare I presume to think I was beautiful, but knew it was important to talk about. So I told him how I had felt and he answered, in the gentlest voice imaginable, with no hesitation, “AG you deserve to feel that way, you’ve always deserved to feel that way.” I was retelling it to my T and when I hit that point in the story, I was crying and I looked at him and told him how incredible it had been to hear that. And I got very quiet and he asked me if it had been unthinkable before that. I told him that even the idea that I could imagine that that would be true was a gift. It was a very poignant exchange.
As we talked through the moments, it was just a wonderful exchange of how we had both han-dled things. We also remembered some really funny moments and laughed together. Actually near the end of the appointment, I told my T that as painful and as difficult as so much of our work had been together, that I was really grateful for so many moments of laughter.
I had written a poem about leaving therapy (the original form is actually on a post here some-where, I ended up doing some rewriting on it) and I told my T I wanted to read it to him (after first explaining just how very uncomfortable reading my poetry makes me feel. Prose no problem, but poetry comes from a deeper place and I feel much more vulnerable sharing it.) I was able to read it to him but wasn’t looking at him all that much but when I finished and looked up, he was looking at me, with his eyes a little misty, looking quite moved and he just said “Wow.” I think he said more, but honestly, I was so relieved that I had gotten it out and that he actually liked it, I’m not sure I heard it.
It was then that he told me that he had a poem for me, which he pulled out of a note he had writ-ten to me. (BTW, UV that IS the author. I hadn’t remembered the author’s name correctly. The page my T gave me had the name of the book from which it came. When I looked it up on Ama-zon, I recognized it since it’s been on my T’s desk for a while. ) I don’t know quite how to de-scribe what it felt like to have him read that. Every line resonated so strongly and it was a pow-erful description of so much of what we had gone through together. I was touched so deeply at the depth of his knowledge of me, and the tenderness in his voice was such that I could have wrapped myself up in it forever. I started to cry by the end of the first line and just sat and wept while he read it. When he was done, I thanked him and told him how beautiful it was.
Then the best part of the apt started.
I honestly would be too embarrassed to repeat much of what he said, but he was very clear about how hard I had worked, and how strongly he believed in me and my ability to thrive and live a full life. He also told me how much I had changed him (he thanked me for General Theory of Love!
) The best way to describe it is that by the time he was done, I had no doubt of his respect for me and the depth of his feelings (ok, whatever they are ). I sat there stunned, it was just amazing to hear him say all that. He also told me that I was welcome to come back if I felt the need but he believed that I would experience the bond the way I should, as so solidly there it would be the background not the focus. By now we were running very over. I had asked my T for the last appt of the day but when we had been there the week before at the same time for our last couples session, there was a couple waiting when we came out, so I assumed that he was able to give me an evening appt but not the last appt. He gave me the last appt and just about the time I was getting ready to leave was when he settled back and starting saying wonderful things. We ended up running over about 20-25 mins. When he was done, I explained how important music has been to me in my healing but that we hadn’t spoken that much about it, so I had burned two CDs for him. Then I told him that I had started to write out what each song meant to me and realized I didn’t have to. He smiled and said absolutely and thanked me. Then I told him I had thrown some funny stuff in there and if he thought it might be a joke it was a joke (CD1 Track 1 was “I’m telling you I’m not going” I also threw in Reba McEntire’s “Why Haven’t I Heard from You” and my favorite Cheryl Wheeler’s “Is it Peace or is it Prozac”).
We had a couples appt once during our work when my husband asked my T about his spiritual beliefs. He was very open with us telling us that because he had known us for so long he felt comfortable discussing it. I found it incredibly intriguing because he started talking about differ-ent philosopher’s and mystics that he’s read and what he has gleaned from them. When I saw him the next day, we had a really good discussion about boundaries and their necessity to the work. But I told him that as much as I understood all that, I would always regret them a little bit (OK understatement of the millennium
) that the night before when he was talking about his beliefs I just wanted to open a couple of bottles of red wine and talk into the night. He had a most curious reaction, I think it was the closest I ever came to seeing him break a boundary. He smiled, started to say something, checked himself, burst out laughing (almost a giggle), started to say something else and in a move I have deeply regretted ever since, I let him off the hook and told him he didn’t have to say anything, I just wanted him to know I felt that way. He went on to talk about how the T had limited freedom to bring up topics, that they had to be about the therapy and sometimes that could be frustrating because some of your clients could be fascinating people you’d like to talk to, that the boundaries could be frustrating from his end also. I told you all that so you would understand my final gift.
I gave him a gift bag with a bottle of red wine and when he pulled it out of the bag I told him it was for the conversations that might have been and think of me when you drink it. He got a huge grin and thanked me.
When he had finished reading me the poem, he folded it back up into a note that he had written for me. Sidenote: right about then something hit me smack between the eyes. My T had put a lot of time and thought into preparing for our session. This wasn’t a big deal for only me. A truly wonderful realization. He had handed me the note earlier but I hadn’t read it. I think I was a little nervous reading it in front of him in case my reaction was really strong or even worse I was disappointed. Right about then he looked at me and told me he wanted me to read the note while I was still in his office. So I opened the note and the first thing I was, in his handwriting, was “Dear AG” I could have stopped there and died a happy woman. Every email we’ve even sent, with one exception on my part, had started with “hi.” It meant so much to see that. The first part of the note told me that it included a blessing for a new beginning (the poem he read me) and that he hoped there would be many more.
I have struggled throughout our relationship with being able to trust that it was real. The last part of the note said that “It’s been really……………… real. Really real…………..really!! (The long ellipses dated back to some earlier emails between us and meant reassurance to me.) When I fin-ished reading it, I literally started laughing and crying at the same time. Totally cracked up and my T was laughing too. I looked at him and said “there was absolutely nothing better he could have said to me.” He told me that he was going to be going out to run an errand right after our session and if I was planning on “lingering” in the parking lot he didn’t want me reading any-thing into how quickly he was leaving. I said so I shouldn’t assume he was rushing off to the “She’s finally gone!” party? He laughed and said exactly. I appreciated that he was thoughtful enough to tell me that. So we both got up and walked to the door and since I couldn’t hug him, I hugged his hand. I took his hand with both of mine and held on just a little longer than I usu-ally do. And then we both said take care and I told him not to work too hard and left.
I had expected to be so devastated walking out of his office and instead I left with my insides singing with joy. The word love wasn’t spoken but it didn’t need to be. The depth of his feelings, and how much it had meant to him as well as me were so clear. I have never felt so secure, so much so that it didn’t feel like I was leaving him, because he left with me. And I felt so very alive, from my head to my toes. I swear in the right light I would have glowed.
I had deliberately made no plans, but bought my laptop with me. So I ended up going to a local coffee shop with wifi, have a cup of Earl Gray tea, and a strawberry scone, and gave myself time to just absorb what happened. It felt complete, and whole. And I knew that my T wasn’t happy to see me go, but he was delighted and proud that I was healed and going out to live my life.
At one point he talked about people living ordinary lives, that he was just an MSW, who lived and worked in Syracuse but that the meaning of a fully lived life is in how you give yourself to it. I told him that if he had done nothing else with his life but the work with me, than it would be a successful one, because he had so changed mine.
I’m CERTAIN that at some point this is going to get hard, and I am going to miss him terribly, but right now I have such a strong sense of his presence and knowing that he thinks of me the way that he expressed feels like a solid foundation to launch into flight.
Thank you if you managed to get through all this. It’s good to have a place to be able to express this where people will understand. Thank you all so much for the party! It so helped me get through the day before and added so much to the joy afterward. You guys are the best!!
Love and hugs, AG
The End
