Is it appropriate for therapists to give clients compliments in therapy such as telling clients they are cute, special, a good person and telling them they have never met any one else like them? What are your thoughts on this?
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I think it's fine, but again the context is everything. Both the context it is said, and the context it is perceived on the receiving end.
My T is extremely boundaried and professional, yet he gives me compliments all the time. He will notice my shoes or tell me he likes my dress or will remark that I cut my hair. I think that is part of his letting me know that he "sees" me. That I am not invisible, which is what I try to be at times and how I felt in my family.
Then there are other types of compliments where he will tell me that he has a lot of respect for me, that he cares for me, that I am intelligent, resourceful and courageous, sweet and funny. I have a really hard time taking those in and he knows it and keeps telling me. Some of this I think is mirroring. How can we develop knowledge of our "self" if we don't have any mirroring... which is something I never had as a child so I grew up wondering who I am.
My T is pretty open about this stuff and how he sees me. On the other side, he has also told me I'm prissy, annoying and a pain in the rear. I have sometimes taken offense to this but I have come to realize he does it in a very affectionate way. And he tells me that he is very honest with me and that is how I know he really means what he says and is not just throwing around empty compliments.
I do think if we knew how YOU felt about your T and what he says it would be easier to comment on your situation. And yes, context is really important.
TN
Then there are other types of compliments where he will tell me that he has a lot of respect for me, that he cares for me, that I am intelligent, resourceful and courageous, sweet and funny. I have a really hard time taking those in and he knows it and keeps telling me. Some of this I think is mirroring. How can we develop knowledge of our "self" if we don't have any mirroring... which is something I never had as a child so I grew up wondering who I am.
My T is pretty open about this stuff and how he sees me. On the other side, he has also told me I'm prissy, annoying and a pain in the rear. I have sometimes taken offense to this but I have come to realize he does it in a very affectionate way. And he tells me that he is very honest with me and that is how I know he really means what he says and is not just throwing around empty compliments.
I do think if we knew how YOU felt about your T and what he says it would be easier to comment on your situation. And yes, context is really important.
TN
I think when considering whether or not something said is appropriate there are a lot of factors that need taking into account and, like lots of people have said, context is important.
One of the things I have found useful is to ask the question "Who's needs are being served by this disclosure or comment?" Ts need to ask themselves this question when they are interacting with clients. The point of the therapeutic relationship is that it is there purely to serve the client's needs, not the therapist's.
The therapeutic relationship can be close but it is not a friendship and cannot turn into a romantic relationship without damaging the client. In general, Ts should not require anything back in return. There is some debate about this actually works out in practice; some Ts may say they they do require their client to be committed to attend their appointments and be motivated to change, for example. Bottom line is that the T should not be getting their emotional needs met through the interaction with the client and should not be placing an expectation on the client to meet those needs.
There are some red flags for me in what you have posted, namely from your other thread you said "he said i was cute and he was sorry if it was wrong of him to say but he couldn't help it."
This doesn't sound like a measured response from a T choosing to disclose something for their clients' benefit. Also, the "This is killing me..." comment. That is making things about him, not you. But... saying that it is not possible really to tell what is going on for your T when he says these things. He does sound on the looser, less boundaried end of the spectrum from what you are describing.
Do you have a gut feeling on this? What is it telling you? How do you feel about him?
Have you read much about transference and counter-transference? It is not unusual for attraction to come up between client and therapist. When a T feels attracted to their client sometimes this can mean that the therapist is responding to unresolved issues of their own, or sometimes it can be down to a much more complex interaction between you both. But it is rarely just about simple attraction.
More rarely, some unscrupulous Ts do prey on the emotional vulnerability of their clients and feed off the sense of admiration their clients have for them, or their clients feeling special to them. Again, it is not really possible to place a judgement on what's going on in your situation tho.
I'm not sure how helpful that was! I hope you're able to figure things out. If you can raise the issue in therapy, then it could give you some more information to go on.
One of the things I have found useful is to ask the question "Who's needs are being served by this disclosure or comment?" Ts need to ask themselves this question when they are interacting with clients. The point of the therapeutic relationship is that it is there purely to serve the client's needs, not the therapist's.
The therapeutic relationship can be close but it is not a friendship and cannot turn into a romantic relationship without damaging the client. In general, Ts should not require anything back in return. There is some debate about this actually works out in practice; some Ts may say they they do require their client to be committed to attend their appointments and be motivated to change, for example. Bottom line is that the T should not be getting their emotional needs met through the interaction with the client and should not be placing an expectation on the client to meet those needs.
There are some red flags for me in what you have posted, namely from your other thread you said "he said i was cute and he was sorry if it was wrong of him to say but he couldn't help it."
This doesn't sound like a measured response from a T choosing to disclose something for their clients' benefit. Also, the "This is killing me..." comment. That is making things about him, not you. But... saying that it is not possible really to tell what is going on for your T when he says these things. He does sound on the looser, less boundaried end of the spectrum from what you are describing.
Do you have a gut feeling on this? What is it telling you? How do you feel about him?
Have you read much about transference and counter-transference? It is not unusual for attraction to come up between client and therapist. When a T feels attracted to their client sometimes this can mean that the therapist is responding to unresolved issues of their own, or sometimes it can be down to a much more complex interaction between you both. But it is rarely just about simple attraction.
More rarely, some unscrupulous Ts do prey on the emotional vulnerability of their clients and feed off the sense of admiration their clients have for them, or their clients feeling special to them. Again, it is not really possible to place a judgement on what's going on in your situation tho.
I'm not sure how helpful that was! I hope you're able to figure things out. If you can raise the issue in therapy, then it could give you some more information to go on.