Can continually wanting/pushing your Therapist away be a compulsion?
Original Post
Replies sorted oldest to newest
I'd think of it as a defence or a transference.
Do you want to say more about what's going on?
Do you want to say more about what's going on?
I cancelled my appointment for today and called back to say I could make it. He had already filled it. He knows I cancel and then change my mind and will hold the appointment open. He told me the last time I did this, he would not hold the appointment open and he would fill it. So, I told him he knows I do this, so why would he fill it?
If your therapist told you he would fill your appointment ... what would you think about it? It is not an inconvenience to hold it open, especially if you know the client will call after changing their mind.
If your therapist told you he would fill your appointment ... what would you think about it? It is not an inconvenience to hold it open, especially if you know the client will call after changing their mind.
quote:He told me the last time I did this, he would not hold the appointment open and he would fill it.
Well, it seems like he set a boundary about this and stuck with it. To me that's a sign of a good therapist!
I know it's painful, but try to reverse the situation. Say your T told you, "Hey, I'm not sure when you're appointment time will be, but it might be [list of a few random days and times]," and wouldn't tell you until the last minute which it was going to be (say it ended up being the latest one). Then, you'd have to hold all those slots open when you could have been getting other stuff done, running errands, spending time with others, whatever other stuff you have to schedule.
Now, for us, it might not seem like as big of a deal if we have a pretty open schedule, but Ts have an incredibly busy schedule to juggle. I've had my T, in order to fit me in, have to wait until the last minute to identify an accurate session time for me. It was stressful for me, because I had to try to get babysitting for multiple potential times and I also had to tell others I could not do things "in case" I had an appointment. In my case, I was asking for the appointment, and T was doing his best to fit me in, so I understood.
In this case, T is there for you, not the other way around. You are the one who needs/wants the appointment (or doesn't). He wants you to be there. He has expressed many times that he wants you to show up regularly, as scheduled, to receive the consistency he is offering you. He is committed to being there for you. The one who is dodging the commitment is actually you.
This doesn't make you "bad" or anything. It probably just means you're scared. Either you're running away from him, because you're afraid something will change and he will suddenly reject you after all this time remaining committed through thick and thin...or else you're wanting reassurance and hoping that canceling will cause him to pursue you. I think, however, his repeated entreaties for you to show up consistently and allow safety to build in his constancy (both his being present where and when he says and his maintaining positive, caring acceptance of you no matter what has happened).
His acceptance doesn't mean you can do whatever you want and there will be absolutely no consequences. If, for example, Boo behaved in a way I have set a boundary about and told her there are consequences for, and I didn't follow through with them, I would be setting her up for some bad patterns in how she interacts with me and others. If, however, I deliver the consequences in keeping with my boundaries (granted, as a tired mommy, I'm not always great at that), yet maintain a loving attitude, empathy toward the distress my boundaries cause her, I am teaching her that our actions have consequences, but that she is loved and valued by me, even when she makes mistakes. I can't go around the rest of her life cleaning up or even preventing any mistake she might make, so I have to teach her about boundaries, and what happens when we cross them, now.
I know it feels awful, but I think what your T is doing for you is a very loving thing. The reason I can think that is because of the love I have for my child and what T is doing is how I would treat my child. As a four-year-old, she doesn't have quite the same choices as we do in adulthood. However, I do give her choices, and when she is disappointed in one of them, I sometimes have to let her experience that disappointment, so she can make a better one next time. Not that she can never change her mind, but that she will learn to think through decisions more carefully in the future.
I will give an example. Recently, we had a hectic day, so I offered Boo a choice of different foods that were easy to make or get for lunch. She was determined to have one thing I didn't have time to make her. I offered her two "drive through" foods and two foods I could make at home. First, she said no to everything. I gave her three chances to make a decision, and she didn't, so I chose where to go. As soon as I chose where to go, she decided she wanted the other option (a cheeseburger, I think). I had to tell her, "No, sorry that you're disappointed, but I gave you three chances to decide to have a cheeseburger and you said no." She then started screaming and refused to have anything from where I was getting food. I let her choose not to have food there. As soon as we left, she started demanding I go back and get her something from where we just were. I then took her home and gave her the two options I could make for her. She kept trying to demand a third (the original that she really wanted, but I did not have time to make it and even if I did, I had already set a boundary about it)...by the way, I just got interrupted by a tantrum over not having Easter candy until after dinner and had to give consequences again. Anyway, in the end, Boo had to eat one of the choices I gave her, not because I was mean and didn't want her to have what she wanted, but because: 1) It was all I had the ability to offer at the time; and 2) I loved her enough to show her that she can trust I will follow through on what I've told her. I still empathized with her disappointment about not getting her way and still loved her despite my frustration with her behavior.
Anyway, my point is not to compare YOU to my daughter here (hopefully that's not what you got out of it). My point is to compare your T to a "good enough" parent. He cares about you enough to:
1) Clearly identify what he is able to offer you and what he is not. He is able to offer you a consistent session every week where he'll be there for you and accept you. He is not able to offer you last minute scheduling changes on a consistent basis, so he is setting that boundary to protect both of you from inconsistency there.
2) Follow through on what he has told you he will do in exactly the way he has told you. You know what to expect from him and he cares more about being predictable and consistent for you in the long term than he does about how you might feel about him in the moment of disappointment.
3) Still cares for and accepts you even when you break the "rules" or commitments. He is there the next time with the same willingness to work.
I know it feels awful right now, but when he does this, he is being the most loving he can possibly be to you. He is showing you that nothing you can do will change who he is. I know it sounds funny, because I was used to boundaries being so muddy in my own family that you'd think it would feel really bad whenever I run into one, but I've learned, after the initial hurt, it actually feels really good. When my T sets a boundary (yeah, ouch!) and sticks to it, I've come to know it's about who he is. And what I find comforting about that is that when he does offer me flexibility or give me something I don't feel worthy of, I can be sure it is something he is giving me, not something I have manipulated out of or taken from him. Also, I am learning to feel OK setting boundaries with him. I used to feel like having a boundary (e.g. not being ready to talk about something he asked about) was some sort of insult or attack against him. Now, I realize, it's just about who I am, where I'm at, and what I can realistically "offer" in that relationship right now. If I cannot offer vulnerability at a given moment, it's not necessarily about him and I can set a boundary and keep it without worrying about it destroying the relationship. As I learn to do that with him, I learn to do it more in my other relationships.
Anyway, I'm still really sick, so this might not have made much sense, but what I'm trying to say is that what your T is doing is showing deep care and respect for you by allowing you to decide whether to commit to doing the work and by being consistent in his responses to you. I know the actual consequences themselves feel like crap, and that is a normal reaction, to be hurt and then get mad. But, maybe you can allow yourself to step back and take in how hard he is working to provide what is best for you, not just what is most comfortable. If the patterns/behaviors/coping mechanisms that are most comfortable were working well, none of us would be in therapy in the first place. It is because our past patterns cause problems and distress that we are there to heal, learn and grow!
(((TAS)))
I’m sorry your T filled your slot. That must have felt horrible, even though your T was within his rights to fill it, given that you had cancelled.
I usually get all riled up reading your posts. I don’t think I’ve commented before, because I tend to have a different reaction than most other responses you get. I can see why others might see your T as being a good, solid T in his boundary-keeping. But from everything you describe (and admittedly you can’t provide an unbiased picture), your T seems rigid and unpleasant to me. Now, it very well may be that his stances are the well-thought-out and theoretically sound actions that others believe they are. But I feel like you’ve consistently described someone who is unyielding even on trivial things and who doesn’t feel like he needs to explain why he makes the decisions that he makes.
I’m not saying that your T shouldn’t have boundaries. Clearly, it’s vital that your T has good boundaries about things that matter. But you also need to be able to feel like your T is on your side, and that he accepts you and will make a good-faith effort to meet you where you are. And I feel like from what you’ve written, you don’t ever feel like your T is on your side or is willing to work with you. It’s just head-butting all the time. And I know it’s not just your T- part of that is definitely you. You keep clashing with your T, and neither of you want to compromise. I just don’t feel like it’s necessarily therapeutic for all the compromise to come from you.
You have a pattern of calling to cancel, and then calling again to get your time slot back. You feel like based on this pattern, both you and your T should know that when you say you are canceling, that it isn’t really a REAL cancellation. Your T is annoyed by this behavior, and decided that the best way to deal with it would be tell you that he will fill your slot if you called to cancel. So you decide to test him, and call to cancel, and he follows through with his threat and fills your slot.
As others have pointed out, there are lots of good reasons why it is unfair to your T to expect him to keep the slot open. And I think your T having a goal of getting you to stop calling to cancel when you don’t mean it is fine. I wonder, though, if there couldn’t have been a better solution that your T drawing a line in the sand like he did (which both he and you knew you were going to cross). And I think a better goal for your T to have is not just one where you stop the behavior, but one where you don’t feel the need to cancel, and I just don’t see that being addressed.
A few questions-
When you call your T to cancel, does it feel real to you? In your mind, is your appointment now cancelled? Or do you anticipate that you will call again to “uncancel”? If it does feel like a real cancellation to you, what changes that you end up wanting to uncancel? If it doesn’t feel real, why do you do it? Is a way of “punishing” your T? Or something else?
I know your T doesn’t allow any out of session contact unless it is about scheduling. Do you think that calling him to cancel might be a way for you to make contact and feel the connection since you aren’t allowed just to check-in with him? Have you noticed that you have cancelled more sessions since he changed his out of session contact rules?
Have you ever called to cancel an appointment and then not called back to uncancel?
Does your T have a cancellation fee (like if you cancel on short notice and it isn’t due to illness or an emergency or something, you still have to pay for the session)?
I could envision a solution something like this: You and your T agree that it isn’t ideal for you to have this behavior, but that he is willing to work with you on it. You both agree that when you call to cancel, it isn’t real. He will keep your slot open for you, but if you don’t show up, you will have to pay the cancellation fee. When you get to session that week, you will talk about what you were feeling when you called to cancel and try to understand why you felt the need to call. If you really do need to cancel, then you will have pre-set language that you will use to let him know that it is a real cancellation. If you use the pre-set language, then he is free to give your slot up to someone else. I feel like this is a good compromise that would be fair to both of you. I also feel like from what you’ve said, your T would never go for something like this.
How does it feel for you to read my words that are critical of your T? Do you feel like defending him, like I don’t really understand him? Or do you feel glad that someone else seems to see your T as not all-good?
What do you like about your T?
Do you ever feel good when you are in session with him?
Do you ever feel like you connect with him?
Do you feel like he values you as a fellow human being?
Do you value him as a fellow human being?
Do you feel like he respects you?
Do you feel like you have improved at all since you started seeing him? In what ways?
Do you feel like he has compassion for you and your struggles with his boundaries?
I really hope that there are things that you like about your T, and that you can answer “yes” to most of my other questions. But if the answer to most of them is “no”, I hope that you don’t blame it all on negative transference. I’m sure that some of your feelings are coming from transference, but I highly doubt that some aren’t also based in reality.
You’ve said before that you don’t want to start over with a different T. I totally understand that feeling, and I’m not going to tell you that you should change how you feel about it. For all my criticism of your T, I am acutely aware that I might be full of crap. His methods might be just what you need, even if they are painful for you to bear. I just feel that you deserve to have a T who will work with you instead of being an antagonist. I want you to have a T who is interested in figuring you out, who genuinely likes you, who sets the boundaries that are needed, but never uses boundaries punitively, and is always open to discussion about them.
I’m sorry your T filled your slot. That must have felt horrible, even though your T was within his rights to fill it, given that you had cancelled.
I usually get all riled up reading your posts. I don’t think I’ve commented before, because I tend to have a different reaction than most other responses you get. I can see why others might see your T as being a good, solid T in his boundary-keeping. But from everything you describe (and admittedly you can’t provide an unbiased picture), your T seems rigid and unpleasant to me. Now, it very well may be that his stances are the well-thought-out and theoretically sound actions that others believe they are. But I feel like you’ve consistently described someone who is unyielding even on trivial things and who doesn’t feel like he needs to explain why he makes the decisions that he makes.
I’m not saying that your T shouldn’t have boundaries. Clearly, it’s vital that your T has good boundaries about things that matter. But you also need to be able to feel like your T is on your side, and that he accepts you and will make a good-faith effort to meet you where you are. And I feel like from what you’ve written, you don’t ever feel like your T is on your side or is willing to work with you. It’s just head-butting all the time. And I know it’s not just your T- part of that is definitely you. You keep clashing with your T, and neither of you want to compromise. I just don’t feel like it’s necessarily therapeutic for all the compromise to come from you.
You have a pattern of calling to cancel, and then calling again to get your time slot back. You feel like based on this pattern, both you and your T should know that when you say you are canceling, that it isn’t really a REAL cancellation. Your T is annoyed by this behavior, and decided that the best way to deal with it would be tell you that he will fill your slot if you called to cancel. So you decide to test him, and call to cancel, and he follows through with his threat and fills your slot.
As others have pointed out, there are lots of good reasons why it is unfair to your T to expect him to keep the slot open. And I think your T having a goal of getting you to stop calling to cancel when you don’t mean it is fine. I wonder, though, if there couldn’t have been a better solution that your T drawing a line in the sand like he did (which both he and you knew you were going to cross). And I think a better goal for your T to have is not just one where you stop the behavior, but one where you don’t feel the need to cancel, and I just don’t see that being addressed.
A few questions-
When you call your T to cancel, does it feel real to you? In your mind, is your appointment now cancelled? Or do you anticipate that you will call again to “uncancel”? If it does feel like a real cancellation to you, what changes that you end up wanting to uncancel? If it doesn’t feel real, why do you do it? Is a way of “punishing” your T? Or something else?
I know your T doesn’t allow any out of session contact unless it is about scheduling. Do you think that calling him to cancel might be a way for you to make contact and feel the connection since you aren’t allowed just to check-in with him? Have you noticed that you have cancelled more sessions since he changed his out of session contact rules?
Have you ever called to cancel an appointment and then not called back to uncancel?
Does your T have a cancellation fee (like if you cancel on short notice and it isn’t due to illness or an emergency or something, you still have to pay for the session)?
I could envision a solution something like this: You and your T agree that it isn’t ideal for you to have this behavior, but that he is willing to work with you on it. You both agree that when you call to cancel, it isn’t real. He will keep your slot open for you, but if you don’t show up, you will have to pay the cancellation fee. When you get to session that week, you will talk about what you were feeling when you called to cancel and try to understand why you felt the need to call. If you really do need to cancel, then you will have pre-set language that you will use to let him know that it is a real cancellation. If you use the pre-set language, then he is free to give your slot up to someone else. I feel like this is a good compromise that would be fair to both of you. I also feel like from what you’ve said, your T would never go for something like this.
How does it feel for you to read my words that are critical of your T? Do you feel like defending him, like I don’t really understand him? Or do you feel glad that someone else seems to see your T as not all-good?
What do you like about your T?
Do you ever feel good when you are in session with him?
Do you ever feel like you connect with him?
Do you feel like he values you as a fellow human being?
Do you value him as a fellow human being?
Do you feel like he respects you?
Do you feel like you have improved at all since you started seeing him? In what ways?
Do you feel like he has compassion for you and your struggles with his boundaries?
I really hope that there are things that you like about your T, and that you can answer “yes” to most of my other questions. But if the answer to most of them is “no”, I hope that you don’t blame it all on negative transference. I’m sure that some of your feelings are coming from transference, but I highly doubt that some aren’t also based in reality.
You’ve said before that you don’t want to start over with a different T. I totally understand that feeling, and I’m not going to tell you that you should change how you feel about it. For all my criticism of your T, I am acutely aware that I might be full of crap. His methods might be just what you need, even if they are painful for you to bear. I just feel that you deserve to have a T who will work with you instead of being an antagonist. I want you to have a T who is interested in figuring you out, who genuinely likes you, who sets the boundaries that are needed, but never uses boundaries punitively, and is always open to discussion about them.
I will reply in more depth later...my question is, "WHY if I call and cancel, he fills my slot...I get that. But why won't he schedule me for another day and time. He is making me wait a whole week. I asked him if he had an opening on Saturday, could he let me know...he did not reply.
He has all the power. I have none.
Thank you for the replies. I am posting from my phone...
T.
He has all the power. I have none.
Thank you for the replies. I am posting from my phone...
T.
quote:I want you to have a T who is interested in figuring you out, who genuinely likes you, who sets the boundaries that are needed, but never uses boundaries punitively, and is always open to discussion about them.
DR
quote:Can continually wanting/pushing your Therapist away be a compulsion?
TAS I don't think anyone really answered your original question (above). It's not a compulsion it is "disorganized attachment" behavior. There has been lots written on here about disorganized attachment. People develop different attachment styles based on their relationship with their caregivers in childhood and through their developmental period. There is secure, ambivalent (avoidant) anxious (preoccupied) and disorganized. Disorganized is not really a "style" of attachment because it is what is says...disorganized and a mix of avoidant and anxious that swings back and forth and sometimes occurring simultaneously. A child will develop disorganized attachment when their attachment figure is BOTH fearful of them and frightening TO them.
Try googling disorganized attachment and become familiar with it and then take it to your T and ask him what he knows about this. It takes a very long time to development trust for someone with this attachment wound. Believe me I know first hand. You both want to run TOWARDS your T because you feel you need him and he makes you feel better while at the same time he scares the crap out of you and your feelings about this relationship make you want to run for the hills. I believe your healing in part depends on educating yourself about this or at least bringing it to your T for HIM to help you with it.
As for the other issue with your T not holding your appointment open in case you change your mind and uncancel... my T would not hold it open at all and he would not tolerate that kind of behavior at all. He would confront me about it and we would reach an understanding. I do think he is holding a good boundary and also making a sound business decision as well for his practice.
I think you can do alot of healing with this T but you have to commit to doing the work and stop running. While you have every right to your fears and I have them too... the better choice is to take them to your T.
Sorry if I sound too harsh. I just want to see you heal.
Hugs
TN
Tas,
You do have all the power and you exercised it when you rang and cancelled your appointment. Your T has no choice but T cancel it and reallocate it to someone who wants it. Your power, your control.
You now have the power to discuss it with him and set up some rules and structure around why you cancelled.
You can do it. You are doing really well.
Somedays
You do have all the power and you exercised it when you rang and cancelled your appointment. Your T has no choice but T cancel it and reallocate it to someone who wants it. Your power, your control.
You now have the power to discuss it with him and set up some rules and structure around why you cancelled.
You can do it. You are doing really well.
Somedays
Okay, maybe I am acting like a child but if all I am to him is a client, then he treat me as such and allow me to cancel when I want and reschedule when I want. He shouldn't be telling me when I can and can't do that. He is not a motjer or father to me, so, he just needs to treat as a client. If I call and cancel, I should be allowed to. If I call and want to reschedule, I should be allowed to. Just like a Dr. does with a patient.
TN, Thank you. Am typing from my phone...when I get to a computer, I will reply further to each of you. Promise.
T.
*I hate typos...correction: *mother
TN, Thank you. Am typing from my phone...when I get to a computer, I will reply further to each of you. Promise.
T.
*I hate typos...correction: *mother
I am in the middle of throwing a temper tantrum. He replaced me, just like that. Within ten minutes, replaced. He doesn't want me and will never want me.
He could have seen me later yesterday...he left early. But it doesn't matter. I will never have what I really want, from him or from anyone.
On phone still...will write more later...
He could have seen me later yesterday...he left early. But it doesn't matter. I will never have what I really want, from him or from anyone.
On phone still...will write more later...
(((TAS)))
It has nothing to do with him not wanting you. That is a red herring. That's the stuff that's getting you into trouble in real life. You run, hoping to get validation that you're wanted but other people don't know what you need or why you are running and so you don't get validaton. His job is to help verablize your needs more directly so people respond to that instead of your nonverbals.
It has nothing to do with him not wanting you. That is a red herring. That's the stuff that's getting you into trouble in real life. You run, hoping to get validation that you're wanted but other people don't know what you need or why you are running and so you don't get validaton. His job is to help verablize your needs more directly so people respond to that instead of your nonverbals.
TAS, he's not telling you that you can't cancel - you're in this place because he DID let you cancel. And he's not telling you when you have to meet - he's telling you that he does not have the availability to meet this week, so it's best that you both wait until next week.
Do you know why he left early (and my other question around that is how you know he left early, but you don't have to answer if you don't want to)? He could have left early because he had to take care of something in his personal life. I know I've left my work early to do that.
You're contradicting yourself, TAS. In an earlier you say you want him to treat you as a client, but you don't seem to really want that. He is treating you like a client by telling you when he is and is not available. He is treating you like a client by taking you by your word when you cancel. He'd be treating you like a child (and would not be doing you any good) if he gave in to your tantrums and gave you a spot sooner than when he originally told you.
You need to figure out what you REALLY want from him, TAS. Not just your immediate needs, not what seems obvious. But deep down - what is all of this saying about what you're asking from him?
Do you know why he left early (and my other question around that is how you know he left early, but you don't have to answer if you don't want to)? He could have left early because he had to take care of something in his personal life. I know I've left my work early to do that.
You're contradicting yourself, TAS. In an earlier you say you want him to treat you as a client, but you don't seem to really want that. He is treating you like a client by telling you when he is and is not available. He is treating you like a client by taking you by your word when you cancel. He'd be treating you like a child (and would not be doing you any good) if he gave in to your tantrums and gave you a spot sooner than when he originally told you.
You need to figure out what you REALLY want from him, TAS. Not just your immediate needs, not what seems obvious. But deep down - what is all of this saying about what you're asking from him?
Why is it harmful for him to reassure me that he wants me to continue coming? How could that do harm to me? I feel that when he replaces me, it does more harm. It tells me that it IS true. That he doesn't want me.
Realistically, logically, I understand that he will never want me like a Mother or Father could. I won't even go into that.
So, the things I want, I can never have...I never had a mother or father...and to think I can get that out of therapy...I can't.
I know this is not the Therapist and his doing. I cancelled. I get that. But to not allow me to come in if he has an opening after I cancelled on a different day, before my next appointment...
I am so sick of this feeling. Sick of feeling. I am honestly sick of dealing with this sh**. If I could have had a choice before I entered this earth, I would have absolutely said that I did not care to come here.
I think I am quitting. It really isn't his fault. I just don't know how to stop feeling what I am feeling and it is too painful to see that you will never have what you so desperately want.
I really appreciate each of you and the input you gave. Some was tough, but needed...but all with the intention of true care and concern.
Thank you,
T.
Realistically, logically, I understand that he will never want me like a Mother or Father could. I won't even go into that.
So, the things I want, I can never have...I never had a mother or father...and to think I can get that out of therapy...I can't.
I know this is not the Therapist and his doing. I cancelled. I get that. But to not allow me to come in if he has an opening after I cancelled on a different day, before my next appointment...
I am so sick of this feeling. Sick of feeling. I am honestly sick of dealing with this sh**. If I could have had a choice before I entered this earth, I would have absolutely said that I did not care to come here.
I think I am quitting. It really isn't his fault. I just don't know how to stop feeling what I am feeling and it is too painful to see that you will never have what you so desperately want.
I really appreciate each of you and the input you gave. Some was tough, but needed...but all with the intention of true care and concern.
Thank you,
T.
Kashley,
I am so confused...I want him to want me. Tell me not to go...tell me that he wants me to stay in therapy because he wants me to do well. But, he doesn't say those things. It's like he expects me to just stop feeling powerless...and I have had a lifetime of feeling powerless...and I just can't seem to stop it...
All these things, wanting but not getting, don't seem to stop. I know it is coming from me and not from him. I can't keep doing this and yet, I don't know how to stop. Logically, I tell myself something different...but what I am feeling is blowing all of that out of the water.
I just don't think I have it in me to stop doing this. I am so messed up internally and am so embarrassed that I am feeling these child like feelings. I can't talk to him about them because I shouldn't be having them.
I know he doesn't have to do anything and that he has his boundaries. I will always want this to be something more than what it is...and I need to face up to the fact that I will never have a mother or father...never will have someone who will hold me and protect me...as parents should...
Thank you for each of your replies...I will try to reply to each of you individually.
T.
I am so confused...I want him to want me. Tell me not to go...tell me that he wants me to stay in therapy because he wants me to do well. But, he doesn't say those things. It's like he expects me to just stop feeling powerless...and I have had a lifetime of feeling powerless...and I just can't seem to stop it...
All these things, wanting but not getting, don't seem to stop. I know it is coming from me and not from him. I can't keep doing this and yet, I don't know how to stop. Logically, I tell myself something different...but what I am feeling is blowing all of that out of the water.
I just don't think I have it in me to stop doing this. I am so messed up internally and am so embarrassed that I am feeling these child like feelings. I can't talk to him about them because I shouldn't be having them.
I know he doesn't have to do anything and that he has his boundaries. I will always want this to be something more than what it is...and I need to face up to the fact that I will never have a mother or father...never will have someone who will hold me and protect me...as parents should...
Thank you for each of your replies...I will try to reply to each of you individually.
T.
AG:
I have a horrible time saying directly what I need. I feel like he should 'just know.'- that I shouldn't have to say. He knows I call and cancel and then call back saying I will keep the appointment. I feel since he knows that...he should just keep it since he knows that is what I do.
If someone knows you, they should know what you need. You shouldn't have to ask...or state what you need. If you have to, then what's the point? If they know you and truly care, then they should know.
Perhaps it sounds off, but that is how I view it.
Logically, I believe he is a good therapist...but with what I am feeling right now...I want to rail against him but I won't. I will have manners and tell him I understand. There will be nothing else left to discuss.
Perhaps my expectations are skewed. I don't know. I just can't keep acting this way. I tell myself that and yet, I keep doing it. Over and over and over again. At some point, one has to stop. When does that point come? By sheer will power? I have not been able to stop myself from doing this...I hate myself. I hate this type of interaction I am having with him. And yet, I feel powerless to stop it. I want to...but I am stuck on 'repeat.'
Thank you for your replies. I do appreciate it. I need to be shaken out of this place I am in.
T.
I have a horrible time saying directly what I need. I feel like he should 'just know.'- that I shouldn't have to say. He knows I call and cancel and then call back saying I will keep the appointment. I feel since he knows that...he should just keep it since he knows that is what I do.
If someone knows you, they should know what you need. You shouldn't have to ask...or state what you need. If you have to, then what's the point? If they know you and truly care, then they should know.
Perhaps it sounds off, but that is how I view it.
Logically, I believe he is a good therapist...but with what I am feeling right now...I want to rail against him but I won't. I will have manners and tell him I understand. There will be nothing else left to discuss.
Perhaps my expectations are skewed. I don't know. I just can't keep acting this way. I tell myself that and yet, I keep doing it. Over and over and over again. At some point, one has to stop. When does that point come? By sheer will power? I have not been able to stop myself from doing this...I hate myself. I hate this type of interaction I am having with him. And yet, I feel powerless to stop it. I want to...but I am stuck on 'repeat.'
Thank you for your replies. I do appreciate it. I need to be shaken out of this place I am in.
T.
These feelings are okay, TAS. Anything you feel in therapy is okay. It's okay to feel powerless. It's okay to want all of those things you do. But your T IS giving you power by allowing you to cancel. He's treating you as an adult by setting boundaries, because that's what each and every one of us have to do with each other.
I haven't had the time to read through everything, but have you ever shared with him your desire to have him treat you as a parent should? I've wanted that from my T, and it is VERY painful indeed. We just have to learn the ways in which our Ts do treat us like a parent. Sometimes it's very disguised and not immediately evident, but the boundaries that he's set, TAS, are the first example.
He can't want you, TAS, because that would be him expressing HIS needs. That's taking your power away and putting you in exactly the place you don't want to be.
And I get wanting him to tell you not to go. I'm going to be facing that soon as well, because I plan on taking a break from therapy, maybe for a few weeks, and although part of me wants my T to fight for me and keep me there, I know she won't. And it's a sign of respect and trust on her part to allow me to take a break. Even though I haven't even talked to her about it yet, I know she will respect by choice and will trust that I will call if I need to schedule an appointment (and I'm sure, if and when I do call, my appointment won't be until the next week).
I haven't had the time to read through everything, but have you ever shared with him your desire to have him treat you as a parent should? I've wanted that from my T, and it is VERY painful indeed. We just have to learn the ways in which our Ts do treat us like a parent. Sometimes it's very disguised and not immediately evident, but the boundaries that he's set, TAS, are the first example.
He can't want you, TAS, because that would be him expressing HIS needs. That's taking your power away and putting you in exactly the place you don't want to be.
And I get wanting him to tell you not to go. I'm going to be facing that soon as well, because I plan on taking a break from therapy, maybe for a few weeks, and although part of me wants my T to fight for me and keep me there, I know she won't. And it's a sign of respect and trust on her part to allow me to take a break. Even though I haven't even talked to her about it yet, I know she will respect by choice and will trust that I will call if I need to schedule an appointment (and I'm sure, if and when I do call, my appointment won't be until the next week).
(((TAS)))
I have followed a lot of your posts about your struggles with your T and negative transference and I wanted to tell you that I can relate to so much of what you describe including feeling sick and tired of dealing with the sh**, your feelings, his feelings and responses to your feelings, trying to challenge internally and externally by posting and reading the responses your feelings about his actions. It is exhausting. I haven't responded often because I don't have very much to offer that hasn't been said before. I'm also not as confident that we can get past the horrible roller coaster of feeling so bad, reacting to that pain, getting hurt further after his reaction even if you can intellectually understand the fairness of his response and the importance of boundaries as others.
I want to quit a lot too but I haven't yet. I want to stop feeling what I am feeling but I can't and I understand intellectually that stopping feelings isn't the goal but learning to accept them and feel them might be but I fear that there is too much pain in my life and therefore my feelings for me to reach that point. But I think I have made progress and I think you have too but the gap between where we are and where we wish we were seems too big for us to observe the distance we have already traveled.
I hope that whatever you choose to do next week, quitting or returning, helps you grow and eases your pain. Also neither of those decisions have to be permanent although I suspect if you are like me you long for a permanent decision.
thinking of you and listening
I have followed a lot of your posts about your struggles with your T and negative transference and I wanted to tell you that I can relate to so much of what you describe including feeling sick and tired of dealing with the sh**, your feelings, his feelings and responses to your feelings, trying to challenge internally and externally by posting and reading the responses your feelings about his actions. It is exhausting. I haven't responded often because I don't have very much to offer that hasn't been said before. I'm also not as confident that we can get past the horrible roller coaster of feeling so bad, reacting to that pain, getting hurt further after his reaction even if you can intellectually understand the fairness of his response and the importance of boundaries as others.
I want to quit a lot too but I haven't yet. I want to stop feeling what I am feeling but I can't and I understand intellectually that stopping feelings isn't the goal but learning to accept them and feel them might be but I fear that there is too much pain in my life and therefore my feelings for me to reach that point. But I think I have made progress and I think you have too but the gap between where we are and where we wish we were seems too big for us to observe the distance we have already traveled.
I hope that whatever you choose to do next week, quitting or returning, helps you grow and eases your pain. Also neither of those decisions have to be permanent although I suspect if you are like me you long for a permanent decision.
thinking of you and listening
Nannabee:
Thank you for your reply. I do think that this Therapist is 'good' for me (if there can be such a thing during this painful process)...he is firm...and he knows how stubborn I am and I push and he pushes right back.
Honestly, I am surprised that he hasn't thrown in the towel on me yet. I think, since he knows the backstory, he knows that some of these things are so entrenched and he keeps being patient with me...but then he enforces these boundaries.
I hate them.
I am having such difficulty with the negative transference that I don't believe I see him as he is. I do believe he values me and respects me and I don't believe he has ever crossed a line.
The adult part of me actually respects him because he isn't afraid of my tantrums, my fits of rage...but I am...and I can't keep doing this to him. It's not fair. I don't treat people this way, for one, I don't get close enough to do that...and I don't allow anyone to get close to me...because all of these things would come out...
In moments of clarity, I do believe he is what I need to get through this...on the other hand...the child part of me hates him...
I don't know if I am making sense...I just need to figure out how to relate to him in a different manner...
T.
Thank you for your reply. I do think that this Therapist is 'good' for me (if there can be such a thing during this painful process)...he is firm...and he knows how stubborn I am and I push and he pushes right back.
Honestly, I am surprised that he hasn't thrown in the towel on me yet. I think, since he knows the backstory, he knows that some of these things are so entrenched and he keeps being patient with me...but then he enforces these boundaries.
I hate them.
I am having such difficulty with the negative transference that I don't believe I see him as he is. I do believe he values me and respects me and I don't believe he has ever crossed a line.
The adult part of me actually respects him because he isn't afraid of my tantrums, my fits of rage...but I am...and I can't keep doing this to him. It's not fair. I don't treat people this way, for one, I don't get close enough to do that...and I don't allow anyone to get close to me...because all of these things would come out...
In moments of clarity, I do believe he is what I need to get through this...on the other hand...the child part of me hates him...
I don't know if I am making sense...I just need to figure out how to relate to him in a different manner...
T.
TN:
Thank you for your rely. I will do some research on disorganzied attachment. It's so painful.
I hate who I am. I hate why I am who I am. I hate it. I hate that I am in therapy. I hate the person who caused this huge trigger after warning them SEVERAL times that if this continued, I would be in a place I could not come back from.
And, here I am, in that place. I am fighting with everything in me, and therapy, requires that you let someone close. Not exactly my greatest strength.
I am pretty ****ed up.
Thank you,
T.
Thank you for your rely. I will do some research on disorganzied attachment. It's so painful.
I hate who I am. I hate why I am who I am. I hate it. I hate that I am in therapy. I hate the person who caused this huge trigger after warning them SEVERAL times that if this continued, I would be in a place I could not come back from.
And, here I am, in that place. I am fighting with everything in me, and therapy, requires that you let someone close. Not exactly my greatest strength.
I am pretty ****ed up.
Thank you,
T.
SomeDays:
Yes, I have the power to discuss it with him. However, I am always so scared to talk to him about these things, then I don't. I am afraid of opening up, being vulnerable. Facing my feelings.
All that is required for Therapy to succeed. I am not built that way. Irony in its best form. Something happens that changes your whole life (besides an awful childhood) and you have to learn to do what you never learned to do.
It's almost like a cruel joke. I managed to package the first 18 years of my life in boxes. The boxes were piled floor to ceiling, there wasn't that much room in my internal world for anything...but I could walk a couple of steps here and there...now, the boxes have fallen, all the contents have spilled out and I am frozen, there is no where to move.
I liked it before before. I want to be the person I was before. I would love to find her. She has cut off from herself.
Hence, Therapy.
Thank you for your replies. I do appreciate you and what you post.
T.
Yes, I have the power to discuss it with him. However, I am always so scared to talk to him about these things, then I don't. I am afraid of opening up, being vulnerable. Facing my feelings.
All that is required for Therapy to succeed. I am not built that way. Irony in its best form. Something happens that changes your whole life (besides an awful childhood) and you have to learn to do what you never learned to do.
It's almost like a cruel joke. I managed to package the first 18 years of my life in boxes. The boxes were piled floor to ceiling, there wasn't that much room in my internal world for anything...but I could walk a couple of steps here and there...now, the boxes have fallen, all the contents have spilled out and I am frozen, there is no where to move.
I liked it before before. I want to be the person I was before. I would love to find her. She has cut off from herself.
Hence, Therapy.
Thank you for your replies. I do appreciate you and what you post.
T.
Liese:
Non verbal cues...I just think people should know. I feel the obvious shouldn't be stated. Like he knows I call and cancel and then will call back...so he KNOWS I do this...but then fills my slot anyway.
You are probably right.
T.
Non verbal cues...I just think people should know. I feel the obvious shouldn't be stated. Like he knows I call and cancel and then will call back...so he KNOWS I do this...but then fills my slot anyway.
You are probably right.
T.
((((TAS))))
I highlighted that because it reminded me (thanks AG!) of how these enactments get played out. You communicate nonverbally by cancelling your appointment instead of saying, "I'm scared. I'm not sure you care about me." He responds to it but in his mind, he's coming from the point of view from a therapist. He might be thinking, "TAS, this is not the way to get your needs met IRL" but he doesn't verbalize that. Or, he might have thought, "When I've held the appointment for TAS, knowing she'd change her mind and come to her appointment anyway, it hasn't brought her patterns to her attention. It seems to only reinforce the behavior." But he doesn't say any of that to you either. Instead, he gives away your appointment and tells you he doesn't have an opening until next week. You feel hurt by that and who wouldn't?
It just gets uglier from there. He's on one plane and you are on another. The best thing is to just come out and tell him how you felt and ask him direct questions. The more you can verbalize, the better.
(((TAS)))
quote:But to ask “do I matter to you?” “Am I just replaceable?” “Why is that the place I go to emotionally when someone doesn’t understand my needs without my saying?” “What does it look like to have someone care for me?” You get the idea.
I highlighted that because it reminded me (thanks AG!) of how these enactments get played out. You communicate nonverbally by cancelling your appointment instead of saying, "I'm scared. I'm not sure you care about me." He responds to it but in his mind, he's coming from the point of view from a therapist. He might be thinking, "TAS, this is not the way to get your needs met IRL" but he doesn't verbalize that. Or, he might have thought, "When I've held the appointment for TAS, knowing she'd change her mind and come to her appointment anyway, it hasn't brought her patterns to her attention. It seems to only reinforce the behavior." But he doesn't say any of that to you either. Instead, he gives away your appointment and tells you he doesn't have an opening until next week. You feel hurt by that and who wouldn't?
It just gets uglier from there. He's on one plane and you are on another. The best thing is to just come out and tell him how you felt and ask him direct questions. The more you can verbalize, the better.
(((TAS)))
OK, here goes again.
First, I think this is the best place you could possibly talk about this, because there are tons of people who will understand both your need to exercise your power to run away from the pain that therapy evokes and your desperate desire for T to know and love you the way a parent would. As TN said, you and your T talking about disorganized attachment would probably be a huge help.
As an intuitive person who was trained by (OK, I admit it!) abusive parents to read and respond to their feelings without even having them communicated, I know what it's like to assume others could and should do this. That dynamic, though, played out early in my marriage and I kind of worked through it in that "laboratory" before I ever got to therapy. I learned through my relationship with my husband that: 1) Not everyone is actually as adept on picking up on others' wants and needs as I became through the way I was "trained" by my upbringing; and 2) Expressing my needs directly to someone who really cares about me is, overall, safe (granted, in marriage, there are going to be disagreements) and most people actually appreciate being communicated with directly. I think I'm actually really thankful to my H, because he taught me a lot about communicating to others directly (while hopefully I taught him to be a little more diplomatic).
Anyway, I got a little off-topic there. There are times when I winced about your T seeming inflexible about things, but it is so hard to read through the transference and understand whether he actually is so. It seems like when there is a conflict (e.g. outside contact boundary shift), you are overwhelmed by your reactions and scared to be vulnerable enough to discuss it in detail. Boy, do I understand that from early in my therapy! So, you might not have an opportunity to fully understand his perspective and process the feelings that come up for you WITH T in session. That's really hard.
I'm sorry it hurts so much. There are child parts of me who have held on for two-and-a-half years, until last night, to the shred of hope that they could have that thing they always wanted (but the chance has long since passed for). The part we were working with would literally rather die than give up that last ounce of hope. I don't remember much, except T was saying how that unfulfilled dream had become like a weight at the bottom of the ocean or something. It's keeping us from taking in what we can have in the here and now, because of the terror of really understanding what was wished for has passed and cannot be had, of how painful the grief will be. Anyway, it took two-and-a-half years working hours per week (both in and out of session) to get this one part of me to be willing to face that. So, I guess, I'm saying go gently with yourself on how difficult the process is and your drive to avoid giving up hope. And, I agree with AG here, it can get better.
Last, I guess I want to speak to your T's "inflexibility." I have what I sometimes feel is the most flexible T in the world (or at least that's how he is with me) in terms of boundaries. There are a lot of things he offers me that others don't get (which makes it hard to talk about here, because it makes me feel others might be hurting when I do). He works together with me to find which types of interactions are most successful in my healing. That said, when I am consistently displaying a maladaptive pattern, he will confront it with me and we talk about it. For me, the main one is denial and invalidation of my other parts, experiences, and feelings. My T isn't saying, "Stop feeling that way!" but he does tell me how he sees me using it as a defense and asks me to consider whether it is necessary in the current context.
I'm sure it's easy to imagine, while we're all advising you, that maybe we have this therapy thing together much better? Want to know a secret? I offer to leave my session at least twice every single time I see him (which is twice a week right now). I tell him that parts inside are scared to come to session (on the day or days before) at least a couple times a month. Last night, before other parts came out to talk to him, I'm pretty sure that the feeling of not belonging there with him was so strong that I either expressed the desire to or asked whether I should leave. Probably about 10 times. And each time...ugh...we talked about it, why other parts might be feeling that way. Why I feel the need to leave to protect him every time things get messy.
I think the best thing you and your T have to offer each other right now is communication. I don't think your T is saying your wanting to run away and cancel is invalid. I doubt he would say you wanting him to pursue you is unexpected, that he doesn't understand and empathize (if he doesn't do those things when you talk about it, run!). Wanting to have your needs understood and attended in that way, I bet he gets it. But, if you can't talk about it with him, you lose the chance of having it heard and accepted and seeing he cares for you and doesn't demean your needs or your pain.
I know for a fact that my T wants me there. He wants me to heal. He cares deeply for me. He loves me. He's not my parent, and can never be, but there's a sort of spiritual parentage there, in the most essential ways: he wants what's best for me and is invested in my growth. But, every time I express wanting to leave a session or feeling like I should just quit, for whatever reason, he always makes it very clear that it is MY choice to be there, to keep it up. He will occasionally tell me that he thinks it would be better for me to keep addressing the stuff we're still working on, and that he's fully committed/invested to being there for me. But, despite it all, he will not "pursue" me, because if he did, that would mean my therapy was about him. He does not need me there. He wants me there only so far as he thinks it's what is best for me, but I have full freedom to run away. He knows how powerless I was in the past and he would never repeat that for me. Sometimes, it hurts to know he'll never ask me to stay. He'll always make sure I'm safe, always do what's best for me, but never take away my choice on whether to be there.
I don't mean to make it sound like this is all easy. To feel all these negative things about your T and tell yourself they probably aren't true, look at his behavior, and choose to believe in the consistency he has provided me, is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have some real accomplishments in my life (e.g. education-wise) and I have no hesitation about saying that therapy is about 1000x harder than everything else I've ever done combined, because every other accomplishment was completed around my triggers, instead of allowing myself to experience them and work through them. I had to stop living like the world was a minefield, step in some places I was sure would explode me, then find out that when a relationship is safe (like mine is with T), you won't get exploded. Honestly, I'm still scared all the time. The difference now is I have slowly learned to feel safe telling T when I'm scared, talking through it, instead of just burying, avoiding, denying, invalidating those feelings to feel safe.
T has said when you deny essential needs, it's always because you need something else even more. In my case, I denied needing people for a long time, because, in his opinion, I needed basic (physical, emotional, etc.) safety even more, and my childhood wasn't a place where connecting with others allowed for basic safety. And in the same breath, he will remind me, "But it's safe here."
The reason I think your T is safe is that despite all the times you have run away, all the negative transference you have, he has consistently invited and entreated you to come to the sessions and talk things through. No matter how much you test him, he still chooses to be there for you. I think his wanting you to come is real, but it's something that's about you. He knows that if you can show up regularly, and just experience him not changing, still being there, still caring, no matter how you've pushed or tested, eventually you'll know he is consistent and safe. Or at least, you'll start to feel it a little at a time (it can be a VERY slow process). He wants you to follow through and commit to it, I think, not because it is inconvenient or stressful for him when you change things up on him (obviously, he has a policy that he feels works for him when it happens), because he knows the one you are harming is yourself, and your ability to take in what he's offering.
I could be wrong. I hope when he puts boundaries in place it's what he feels is best for you. And I hope that he welcomes you to express all your reactions, how it makes you feel, when you bump up against those boundaries. I experienced having a boundary shifted on me about sitting close to my T, about six or seven months into my therapy. It ended up being a temporary thing, but he held fast for several months, because he felt like (even though there was nothing wrong with him sitting closer) it was causing me distress. Once we had talked through and understood the distress, we were able to negotiate the boundary. If it had been something that was a boundary about what he was able to offer, there would be nothing we could do. Since it was a boundary about what was best for me, talking through it ended up leading to a different way of working together. There are other boundaries he has that are simply about what he is able to offer and it is my choice to accept whether or not I can work in that way. For my part, I have decided that what he does offer me, the chance to get close to someone who will be safe all the time, even through mistakes on both sides, is more than worth it. I will never find a relationship where I get to decide all the boundaries (how close I will let someone get and how close they will let me get) without their input. I've always been too scared to get close enough to people to even worry about boundaries. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have T to practice this with. I don't think I'd ever have been able to begin risking close relationships outside of my marriage...
Anyway, sorry I write such long posts. I'm really out of it and I get rambly when I'm sick. I know this is so painful.
I'm so sorry that you were robbed a long time ago of being able to be safe and close to someone at the same time. It's really unfair. My own defenses tell me, "So what? Get over it!" when I realize how unfair it was to me. But, when I imagine others being hurt like that, when I imagine my own daughter being raised like that, when I imagine you being treated like that...it's nothing anyone should ever have to experience. I really hope you can slowly learn to take in what your T is offering you. It's often the hardest work that has the most rewarding results.
First, I think this is the best place you could possibly talk about this, because there are tons of people who will understand both your need to exercise your power to run away from the pain that therapy evokes and your desperate desire for T to know and love you the way a parent would. As TN said, you and your T talking about disorganized attachment would probably be a huge help.
As an intuitive person who was trained by (OK, I admit it!) abusive parents to read and respond to their feelings without even having them communicated, I know what it's like to assume others could and should do this. That dynamic, though, played out early in my marriage and I kind of worked through it in that "laboratory" before I ever got to therapy. I learned through my relationship with my husband that: 1) Not everyone is actually as adept on picking up on others' wants and needs as I became through the way I was "trained" by my upbringing; and 2) Expressing my needs directly to someone who really cares about me is, overall, safe (granted, in marriage, there are going to be disagreements) and most people actually appreciate being communicated with directly. I think I'm actually really thankful to my H, because he taught me a lot about communicating to others directly (while hopefully I taught him to be a little more diplomatic).
Anyway, I got a little off-topic there. There are times when I winced about your T seeming inflexible about things, but it is so hard to read through the transference and understand whether he actually is so. It seems like when there is a conflict (e.g. outside contact boundary shift), you are overwhelmed by your reactions and scared to be vulnerable enough to discuss it in detail. Boy, do I understand that from early in my therapy! So, you might not have an opportunity to fully understand his perspective and process the feelings that come up for you WITH T in session. That's really hard.
I'm sorry it hurts so much. There are child parts of me who have held on for two-and-a-half years, until last night, to the shred of hope that they could have that thing they always wanted (but the chance has long since passed for). The part we were working with would literally rather die than give up that last ounce of hope. I don't remember much, except T was saying how that unfulfilled dream had become like a weight at the bottom of the ocean or something. It's keeping us from taking in what we can have in the here and now, because of the terror of really understanding what was wished for has passed and cannot be had, of how painful the grief will be. Anyway, it took two-and-a-half years working hours per week (both in and out of session) to get this one part of me to be willing to face that. So, I guess, I'm saying go gently with yourself on how difficult the process is and your drive to avoid giving up hope. And, I agree with AG here, it can get better.
Last, I guess I want to speak to your T's "inflexibility." I have what I sometimes feel is the most flexible T in the world (or at least that's how he is with me) in terms of boundaries. There are a lot of things he offers me that others don't get (which makes it hard to talk about here, because it makes me feel others might be hurting when I do). He works together with me to find which types of interactions are most successful in my healing. That said, when I am consistently displaying a maladaptive pattern, he will confront it with me and we talk about it. For me, the main one is denial and invalidation of my other parts, experiences, and feelings. My T isn't saying, "Stop feeling that way!" but he does tell me how he sees me using it as a defense and asks me to consider whether it is necessary in the current context.
I'm sure it's easy to imagine, while we're all advising you, that maybe we have this therapy thing together much better? Want to know a secret? I offer to leave my session at least twice every single time I see him (which is twice a week right now). I tell him that parts inside are scared to come to session (on the day or days before) at least a couple times a month. Last night, before other parts came out to talk to him, I'm pretty sure that the feeling of not belonging there with him was so strong that I either expressed the desire to or asked whether I should leave. Probably about 10 times. And each time...ugh...we talked about it, why other parts might be feeling that way. Why I feel the need to leave to protect him every time things get messy.
I think the best thing you and your T have to offer each other right now is communication. I don't think your T is saying your wanting to run away and cancel is invalid. I doubt he would say you wanting him to pursue you is unexpected, that he doesn't understand and empathize (if he doesn't do those things when you talk about it, run!). Wanting to have your needs understood and attended in that way, I bet he gets it. But, if you can't talk about it with him, you lose the chance of having it heard and accepted and seeing he cares for you and doesn't demean your needs or your pain.
I know for a fact that my T wants me there. He wants me to heal. He cares deeply for me. He loves me. He's not my parent, and can never be, but there's a sort of spiritual parentage there, in the most essential ways: he wants what's best for me and is invested in my growth. But, every time I express wanting to leave a session or feeling like I should just quit, for whatever reason, he always makes it very clear that it is MY choice to be there, to keep it up. He will occasionally tell me that he thinks it would be better for me to keep addressing the stuff we're still working on, and that he's fully committed/invested to being there for me. But, despite it all, he will not "pursue" me, because if he did, that would mean my therapy was about him. He does not need me there. He wants me there only so far as he thinks it's what is best for me, but I have full freedom to run away. He knows how powerless I was in the past and he would never repeat that for me. Sometimes, it hurts to know he'll never ask me to stay. He'll always make sure I'm safe, always do what's best for me, but never take away my choice on whether to be there.
I don't mean to make it sound like this is all easy. To feel all these negative things about your T and tell yourself they probably aren't true, look at his behavior, and choose to believe in the consistency he has provided me, is the hardest thing I've ever done. I have some real accomplishments in my life (e.g. education-wise) and I have no hesitation about saying that therapy is about 1000x harder than everything else I've ever done combined, because every other accomplishment was completed around my triggers, instead of allowing myself to experience them and work through them. I had to stop living like the world was a minefield, step in some places I was sure would explode me, then find out that when a relationship is safe (like mine is with T), you won't get exploded. Honestly, I'm still scared all the time. The difference now is I have slowly learned to feel safe telling T when I'm scared, talking through it, instead of just burying, avoiding, denying, invalidating those feelings to feel safe.
T has said when you deny essential needs, it's always because you need something else even more. In my case, I denied needing people for a long time, because, in his opinion, I needed basic (physical, emotional, etc.) safety even more, and my childhood wasn't a place where connecting with others allowed for basic safety. And in the same breath, he will remind me, "But it's safe here."
The reason I think your T is safe is that despite all the times you have run away, all the negative transference you have, he has consistently invited and entreated you to come to the sessions and talk things through. No matter how much you test him, he still chooses to be there for you. I think his wanting you to come is real, but it's something that's about you. He knows that if you can show up regularly, and just experience him not changing, still being there, still caring, no matter how you've pushed or tested, eventually you'll know he is consistent and safe. Or at least, you'll start to feel it a little at a time (it can be a VERY slow process). He wants you to follow through and commit to it, I think, not because it is inconvenient or stressful for him when you change things up on him (obviously, he has a policy that he feels works for him when it happens), because he knows the one you are harming is yourself, and your ability to take in what he's offering.
I could be wrong. I hope when he puts boundaries in place it's what he feels is best for you. And I hope that he welcomes you to express all your reactions, how it makes you feel, when you bump up against those boundaries. I experienced having a boundary shifted on me about sitting close to my T, about six or seven months into my therapy. It ended up being a temporary thing, but he held fast for several months, because he felt like (even though there was nothing wrong with him sitting closer) it was causing me distress. Once we had talked through and understood the distress, we were able to negotiate the boundary. If it had been something that was a boundary about what he was able to offer, there would be nothing we could do. Since it was a boundary about what was best for me, talking through it ended up leading to a different way of working together. There are other boundaries he has that are simply about what he is able to offer and it is my choice to accept whether or not I can work in that way. For my part, I have decided that what he does offer me, the chance to get close to someone who will be safe all the time, even through mistakes on both sides, is more than worth it. I will never find a relationship where I get to decide all the boundaries (how close I will let someone get and how close they will let me get) without their input. I've always been too scared to get close enough to people to even worry about boundaries. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have T to practice this with. I don't think I'd ever have been able to begin risking close relationships outside of my marriage...
Anyway, sorry I write such long posts. I'm really out of it and I get rambly when I'm sick. I know this is so painful.
I'm so sorry that you were robbed a long time ago of being able to be safe and close to someone at the same time. It's really unfair. My own defenses tell me, "So what? Get over it!" when I realize how unfair it was to me. But, when I imagine others being hurt like that, when I imagine my own daughter being raised like that, when I imagine you being treated like that...it's nothing anyone should ever have to experience. I really hope you can slowly learn to take in what your T is offering you. It's often the hardest work that has the most rewarding results.