hi (((TAS))) it's good to see you still around

no, it's not enough to KNOW what contributes to my actions/thoughts to get me to stop. you can ask me, and i KNOW certain things, but to KNOW it and to STOP it are two totally differnet thing. i know of a blog that would be very helpful to you, if you're interested.

Tas - it's such a struggle isn't it?

For me, I can only control the behaviors that T can see. I care about T's perception of me. I guess I want T to think that I'm healthier than I am.

I think about T all the time and I just can't stop that. I also like to research T's private life and I cut down on that by turning off the computer and going outside.

What is your behavior? Maybe then we can help more.

The thing is that we do behaviors that reward us in some way. What are you getting out of the behavior that makes it compelling to repeat?

Closed Doors Thank you!

Yes, would love to read the blog.

Thank you for replying.

T.

Pee Jay...a definite struggle.

The struggle is I constantly feel he doesn't want me. He knows I feel this way. If I request something from him and he tells me no..I tell him he tells me no just to get me to go away...he knows I won't like that he told no and I will quit. I believe he wants me to quit but won't come out and say so. Instead, he sets up rules I won't be able to follow to get me to leave.

I hope it makes sense what I am saying.

Thank you,
T.

Hey TAS!
I saw this thread & think its VERY interesting bec I usually have poor impulse control if everything lines up a certain way. Once that ball starts rolling its very hard to stop & like the others have said there's a difference between knowing & doing. I sometimes know how far off the deep end I may be but if things get extremely out of hand I have a couple of things that happen to myself.
First I hear my dad yelling @ me in my head. That snaps me out to @ least stop & look around at how far things have gone.
Second I look in the mirror. I know that when I'm listening to bad things in my head my eyes & personality are different.
Then I try to force myself to sit & go thru my grounding Index cards. All different things I can use to bring myself back around to being me. I usually start out w/ my favorite one & work toward the harder ones.
I hope this was a little bit of help. I'm thinking I might've missed the mark completely. Sorry.
Muddddd

I do have this problem with my therapist - transference as far as taking things said out of context, or convincing myself of my T's beliefs, or ideas.

It's improved a lot, and though sometimes I will go to the transference place w/o recognizing it, I can effectively work with my T now to handle it.

It took negotiation with my therapist. Even from the beginning she would explain how reactions to situations in the now were VALID but that they can be intensified due to the past and the "templates" we have set up of certain people in our lives. My T told me I was trying to fit her in a box so I could relate to her, but we had to build a new box instead so now I have a template shaped by a consistent and nurturing relationship (most of the time).

So, I didn't stop by myself. I had to intellectualize and not slug my therapist (and count on her infinite patience) when she would take my emotional turmoil with her and connect it relationally elsewhere. I was PISSED, I felt invalidated, not heard, not cared about, and just... awful. I would try to explain why I was mad at a situation about HER and she would poo poo it away with 'blah blah your Mom, etc' and I'd be like "blah blah YOUR MOM did you get your degree off of television??" (not really, but... some more polite equivalent). I had to get through that before I could stop. Tolerating the therapy to fix it, now I can get angry at her and EXPLORE both the rupture we may have had (and fix it very fast) then process my more intense emotions in another context.

I didn't "break" and stop doing it until about 1years ago. I was getting enraged at my T for something she did without speaking to me first (she had a good reason that she didn't and made a choice). She tried to redirect it and I snapped, I went bananas about her NEVER caring or EVER apologizing for HER ACTIONS (for the record, she does/did care and owns her stuff). It got quiet and she again... redirected, explained. I told her it was impossible for me to change how I felt and that when I would start to get upset it would just snowball and I didn't know what to do. So we brainstormed, and I told her... okay, since I can't stop I need you to stop me and give me a "timeout" (that word is okay for me) so that I can collect myself. Basically, I needed to be grounded if I was getting too upset because it would get crazy loud in my head and not stop.

As soon as we made up that rule, I became very self aware of what I was saying... and we've never had to have a "timeout". Sometimes I will just stop and think on my own... and we discuss the contrast of what I think/know versus what I feel/know.

Anyway........ I'm not sure if this helps at all, but, I got through it by being really pissed off and I stop or slow myself down now because I have the relationship with my T and resources we've built to accept us exploring my feelings not just in the context of a situation. Some situations w/ my T are just about me and my T and not about transference - the intense ones usually aren't. We had to grow in to my ability to stop so I don't think it's something you can just instantly do. It took a lot not to throw lamps at her. I guess for me it was about being more open to feedback about myself, to feedback about problems with MY relational abilities (not out of my "fault" but just... out of what is) and to work them out w/ her... again w/o physically harming her, quitting, or losing faith in her intelligence and abilities to help.

Trust I guess.. so in the end it is enough to know what contributes to my actions and what makes that even sweeter then is processing through those contributions. One step at a time.

Mudd Thank you! What you wrote is a big help! I like the grounding cards. I need to make some of those!

Thank you,
T.

Catalyst,

I can certainly relate to everything you wrote. I seem to be pissed at the Therapist all the time! In my mind, I "know" it is not him...but my emotions say it is..
I feel as if I am in quicksand and I am trying to get out of this...ugh! I even tell him it's not him and he says, "I know it's not." It feels so real.

Thank you for all your input. It has been really turbulent lately. He is still here and says he is not going anywhere. That's where I question his sanity

Thank you Catalyst. I appreciate you for sharing your experience with me. Truly helpful.

T.

quote:

That's where I question his sanity

TAS, I have suggested to my therapist that he needs professional help. He just smiles and says he's fine. . During one intense session, I looked up and said "you're still here, why would you possibly still be here?" To which he responded (in perfect T style deflection) "can you think of a reason I would still be here?" And I said "Well, insanity springs to mind."

Just wanted to say that my experience was very similar to Cat's. it's about learning to pause in that moment of reaction. Which is often unconscious, so it takes a long time and hard work, in really tiny increments, to learn to be aware of when it is happening. Your T sounds very steady, which is incredibly helpful in working through this.

AG

Thank you AG! I know now why they say therapy is work UGH.

You are right. He is steady and I hate him for it. Because that means he is going to be there no matter how long this takes and that means I have to learn to be vulnerable...and there we go...

Thank you for your reply. I hope you had a wonderful time during your daughter's graduation

T.

Hey TAS remember that you can't just climb out of quicksand, as you call it, but you can get out. You just have to go sideways. There's ways out, they just don't seem obvious & you might have to crawl...it'll be worth it.

here's AG's blog. you may have stumbled across it and already read it, but i think it's good to revisit, as i know i tend to forget these things. i hope it's helpful to you:

(i hope this works ... i've never posted a link before...)
http://boundaryninjatales.com/...zy-but-really-arent/

Mudd Thank you!

The thing with quicksand (I have heard) is the more one fights to get out...the more the quicksand takes over. So...I think I am tired of fighting.

I am glad you got a weekend pass...enjoy!

CD Thank you for the link. I have read it but am rereading it as well I have been doing a lot of rereading of different articles lately - sometimes just to remind myself that things do get better.

Thank you and I hope you are doing well.