Thanks for all the help... don't want this floating around anymore. Situation was resolved satisfactorily
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You are entitled to be feeling upset that you have to be on meds for the rest of your life.
Its not relevant that your therapist knew someone who died.
It is all relative so you can be grateful that this is not something worse.
I don't think you owe your shrink an apology.
Its not relevant that your therapist knew someone who died.
It is all relative so you can be grateful that this is not something worse.
I don't think you owe your shrink an apology.
Thanks Laura.
I know I'm entitled to feel upset about my medical stuff, and I am grateful that it isn't something worse. I do wish, though, that I could remember that my T is a person too, cause sometimes I think I see an indestructible resource who has no life outside of the office.
I still can't shake the feeling that I did something that needs apologizing for. Even if it's just in my head.
I know I'm entitled to feel upset about my medical stuff, and I am grateful that it isn't something worse. I do wish, though, that I could remember that my T is a person too, cause sometimes I think I see an indestructible resource who has no life outside of the office.
I still can't shake the feeling that I did something that needs apologizing for. Even if it's just in my head.
Nah, the point of the time there is for you to focus on you. Talk to her about how you feel with this situation. A lot of T's don't talk about their issues for specifically this reason so they don't burden their client with it. If her childhood was worse than yours do you want to spend your time there paying to make her feel better?!
(((((((R2G)))))))
I'm so sorry you got bad medical news and have to be on meds for the rest of your life. When I found out I had to be on meds for just a couple of years for something, it really upset me. It's hard to face, and your feelings are totally ok.
It is so hard for me to talk to my T about something I say in session that I feel bad about saying later on - and it's something I think I need to do this week with my T. It's a different kind of situation, but it still means talking about something I feel bad about saying and feeling. I am really dreading my session tomorrow...
Your T might have be bringing a little of their stuff into the therapy room - and also might have been trying to comfort you - not chastise you. Or tell you that there is good news mixed in with the bad - the meds will keep you alive, and that your T wasn't frustrated with you. For me, when I am hurting, sometimes even the most gentle, best said, "it woucld be worse" kind of encouragement, tends to come off harsh, even if it wasn't meant in a harsh or critical way.
I don't think you owe your T an apology at all. Not one bit. I don't think you were insenstive at all - just real and authentic, and that is what we are supposed to be in therapy! You did the right thing, and you don't need to apoligize for how you felt or anything. Even if your T was frustrated with you, that is your T's "stuff" and not yours... I do think that if this interaction is affecting how you feel about your upcoming session with your T, then it might help to bring it up.
I once did have something a little simillar come up with my old T. I told her of something I was dealing with and she told me someone she knew that died of it. I instantly felt ashamed of my struggle, as I was not facing anything so bad, and I felt like I needed to not hurt my T more, since she had been hurt by her friend's loss. I dreaded the next appointment. I did end up bringing up how I felt bad about saying anything about it, when my battle was so much smaller, and it really helped that I told my T how I felt. In the end, I felt even more comforted and my T and I were better able to connect - and I was better able to get through what I was dealing with and grief the smaller loss I was facing better too.
It also would not be *wrong* for you to apoligize. I don't think you need to at all, but if it would help you, then I think it is ok to aplogize.
There could also be another route. I tend to apoligize a lot with my T. I had just apoligized last week for something. My T didn't see any reason for me to apoligize... but I did all the same. She told me that a friend told her something once that helped her a lot. She said, "I want to try to think if maybe a thank you might fit better when you want to apoligize." My T doesn't care about me thanking her, that wasn't the point. I ended up instead thanking her for listening to me, instead of apoligizing for what I said. It seemed like a really odd idea in the moment, but really helped. I was able to respond out of a place that wasn't of guilt, but something different. This may not fit at all what you are dealing with - just an idea that my T recently said to me. Again, I tend to over-apoligize.
Apoligizing is a healthy response when we feel we have done something wrong - but I don't see anything you have done wrong here. I also don't hear that your T is exactly saying you were wrong or being too critical, but maybe your T was... Either way, I do think it might help to say something and talk with your T further about this.
hugs to you,
~jane
I'm so sorry you got bad medical news and have to be on meds for the rest of your life. When I found out I had to be on meds for just a couple of years for something, it really upset me. It's hard to face, and your feelings are totally ok.
It is so hard for me to talk to my T about something I say in session that I feel bad about saying later on - and it's something I think I need to do this week with my T. It's a different kind of situation, but it still means talking about something I feel bad about saying and feeling. I am really dreading my session tomorrow...
Your T might have be bringing a little of their stuff into the therapy room - and also might have been trying to comfort you - not chastise you. Or tell you that there is good news mixed in with the bad - the meds will keep you alive, and that your T wasn't frustrated with you. For me, when I am hurting, sometimes even the most gentle, best said, "it woucld be worse" kind of encouragement, tends to come off harsh, even if it wasn't meant in a harsh or critical way.
I don't think you owe your T an apology at all. Not one bit. I don't think you were insenstive at all - just real and authentic, and that is what we are supposed to be in therapy! You did the right thing, and you don't need to apoligize for how you felt or anything. Even if your T was frustrated with you, that is your T's "stuff" and not yours... I do think that if this interaction is affecting how you feel about your upcoming session with your T, then it might help to bring it up.
I once did have something a little simillar come up with my old T. I told her of something I was dealing with and she told me someone she knew that died of it. I instantly felt ashamed of my struggle, as I was not facing anything so bad, and I felt like I needed to not hurt my T more, since she had been hurt by her friend's loss. I dreaded the next appointment. I did end up bringing up how I felt bad about saying anything about it, when my battle was so much smaller, and it really helped that I told my T how I felt. In the end, I felt even more comforted and my T and I were better able to connect - and I was better able to get through what I was dealing with and grief the smaller loss I was facing better too.
It also would not be *wrong* for you to apoligize. I don't think you need to at all, but if it would help you, then I think it is ok to aplogize.
There could also be another route. I tend to apoligize a lot with my T. I had just apoligized last week for something. My T didn't see any reason for me to apoligize... but I did all the same. She told me that a friend told her something once that helped her a lot. She said, "I want to try to think if maybe a thank you might fit better when you want to apoligize." My T doesn't care about me thanking her, that wasn't the point. I ended up instead thanking her for listening to me, instead of apoligizing for what I said. It seemed like a really odd idea in the moment, but really helped. I was able to respond out of a place that wasn't of guilt, but something different. This may not fit at all what you are dealing with - just an idea that my T recently said to me. Again, I tend to over-apoligize.
Apoligizing is a healthy response when we feel we have done something wrong - but I don't see anything you have done wrong here. I also don't hear that your T is exactly saying you were wrong or being too critical, but maybe your T was... Either way, I do think it might help to say something and talk with your T further about this.
hugs to you,
~jane
R2G:
It does not sound to me like you did anything wrong. I wasn't there, but I bet your T doesn't either. One of the things my T says is that (When I say I'm whining) is Go ahead, you are ALLOWED to whine! (or vent, or whatever)
Sounds like you needed to get it out. 10 minutes with a therapist, because your mind is still adjusting to the fact that you need to be on meds for the rest of your life for a serious medical condition? I would say that's OK!
Perhaps your T was telling you that you did exactly the right things. By going to the doctor, by getting your meds, and by talking to her.
What you feel is legit. The fear is legitimate. (as are all your feelings, of course) Your story is yours to tell. I would bet that your T understands this, no apology needed.
Sounds like it is important to talk about feelings of guilt as they come up. Again, it does sound to me like you did the right things to take care of yourself, and perhaps the T wanted to acknowledge and respect that.
Take care!
It does not sound to me like you did anything wrong. I wasn't there, but I bet your T doesn't either. One of the things my T says is that (When I say I'm whining) is Go ahead, you are ALLOWED to whine! (or vent, or whatever)
Sounds like you needed to get it out. 10 minutes with a therapist, because your mind is still adjusting to the fact that you need to be on meds for the rest of your life for a serious medical condition? I would say that's OK!
Perhaps your T was telling you that you did exactly the right things. By going to the doctor, by getting your meds, and by talking to her.
What you feel is legit. The fear is legitimate. (as are all your feelings, of course) Your story is yours to tell. I would bet that your T understands this, no apology needed.
Sounds like it is important to talk about feelings of guilt as they come up. Again, it does sound to me like you did the right things to take care of yourself, and perhaps the T wanted to acknowledge and respect that.
Take care!
R2G,
Maybe someone suggested this already but do you feel you owe her an apology because you are making an assumption that her pain is worse than yours? And there you were whining (your words) about your pain when T (and her friend) have/had it so much worse? And how inconsiderate of you?
I don't think you were inconsiderate at all. I also don't think you were overreacting to your situation. If the condition is serious enough that you could die without treatment, well that sounds pretty serious to me. It doesn't matter that you caught yours in time.
Maybe T was just trying to get you to see that taking medication for the rest of your life isn't so bad compared to the alternative and all the other stuff is coming from you. IMO, she should have just let you feel sorry for yourself. I think you are entitled even though it could have been worse. It could have been better also. Well, I lost my leg. Oh, but it could have been worse, I could have lost both legs. KWIM? It's still an adjustment for you. You will have to come to terms with your illness and the long-term implications. I don't think her comment was helpful but I'm sure I've made a TON of unhelpful comments in my life. Just hope you can stop beating yourself up for feeling like you need to apoligize for something.
Will you have a hard time bringing it up to her? There are times when I want to bring something up to my T re: an interaction between he and I but I feel like it's a criticism and I hesitate. That's my stuff. I'm finding a way to do it so that I take the onus for my reactions, etc. Maybe you could just tell her that you feel like you owe her an apology and you don't know why and you'd like to discuss it. And see where it goes from there. Chances are if you had a reaction like this to her, you have reactions like this IRL. And my gut feeling is that you are probably someone who doesn't whine a lot as it is and maybe you need to feel entitled to your pain. IDK, just throwing that last part out there.
HUGS,
Liese
Maybe someone suggested this already but do you feel you owe her an apology because you are making an assumption that her pain is worse than yours? And there you were whining (your words) about your pain when T (and her friend) have/had it so much worse? And how inconsiderate of you?
I don't think you were inconsiderate at all. I also don't think you were overreacting to your situation. If the condition is serious enough that you could die without treatment, well that sounds pretty serious to me. It doesn't matter that you caught yours in time.
Maybe T was just trying to get you to see that taking medication for the rest of your life isn't so bad compared to the alternative and all the other stuff is coming from you. IMO, she should have just let you feel sorry for yourself. I think you are entitled even though it could have been worse. It could have been better also. Well, I lost my leg. Oh, but it could have been worse, I could have lost both legs. KWIM? It's still an adjustment for you. You will have to come to terms with your illness and the long-term implications. I don't think her comment was helpful but I'm sure I've made a TON of unhelpful comments in my life. Just hope you can stop beating yourself up for feeling like you need to apoligize for something.
Will you have a hard time bringing it up to her? There are times when I want to bring something up to my T re: an interaction between he and I but I feel like it's a criticism and I hesitate. That's my stuff. I'm finding a way to do it so that I take the onus for my reactions, etc. Maybe you could just tell her that you feel like you owe her an apology and you don't know why and you'd like to discuss it. And see where it goes from there. Chances are if you had a reaction like this to her, you have reactions like this IRL. And my gut feeling is that you are probably someone who doesn't whine a lot as it is and maybe you need to feel entitled to your pain. IDK, just throwing that last part out there.
HUGS,
Liese
R2G - ((((hugs))) I'm sorry that you have to be on meds, but so glad they have found out what was wrong.
My interpretation of your T (which granted, means not much from afar) was more encouraging you about how good it was that you braved it out, got yourself checked, found out what you needed to do (i.e. get on these meds). I just went back and read the other responses and it seems like number9 had the same interpretation. I think, honestly, your T probably meant it as encouragement and not as, "At least you're not dead like my friend!" Basically, she was happy that you took care of yourself, because she knows the consequences of not doing so. I don't think there is anything you have to apologize for, but if you feel sorry, like you've done something bad, those are probably really important feelings to talk about.
All of that being said, in your situation, I would probably feel the same exact way. I apologize constantly to T and sometimes I can't even explain why I am doing it. For the tiniest reactions that he doesn't even perceive at times. Sometimes I think I am just apologizing for even existing. He is always kind and gentle about it and tries to work with me on what's behind my need to apologize. I would bet your T will be the same. There may be some sort of fundamental belief that you're not allowed to talk about your own painful experiences, or even have pain, or that sharing it somehow invades or infects other people. I know I struggle with those things. Anyway, I guess I'm saying that I don't think your T is upset with you, that you don't really owe her an apology for using your own therapy to talk about what is going on in your life (that she probably feels the same), but that it's probably still really important to talk about if the feeling of needing to apologize is pretty intense.
My interpretation of your T (which granted, means not much from afar) was more encouraging you about how good it was that you braved it out, got yourself checked, found out what you needed to do (i.e. get on these meds). I just went back and read the other responses and it seems like number9 had the same interpretation. I think, honestly, your T probably meant it as encouragement and not as, "At least you're not dead like my friend!" Basically, she was happy that you took care of yourself, because she knows the consequences of not doing so. I don't think there is anything you have to apologize for, but if you feel sorry, like you've done something bad, those are probably really important feelings to talk about.
All of that being said, in your situation, I would probably feel the same exact way. I apologize constantly to T and sometimes I can't even explain why I am doing it. For the tiniest reactions that he doesn't even perceive at times. Sometimes I think I am just apologizing for even existing. He is always kind and gentle about it and tries to work with me on what's behind my need to apologize. I would bet your T will be the same. There may be some sort of fundamental belief that you're not allowed to talk about your own painful experiences, or even have pain, or that sharing it somehow invades or infects other people. I know I struggle with those things. Anyway, I guess I'm saying that I don't think your T is upset with you, that you don't really owe her an apology for using your own therapy to talk about what is going on in your life (that she probably feels the same), but that it's probably still really important to talk about if the feeling of needing to apologize is pretty intense.
Cat - I am constantly apologizing, and T is there for me and has reminded me many times that nothing is off topic or too much to discuss. I'm the dolt that reads into things too much, and then end up tripping over myself to apologize! (I too, tend to overdo the apologies when things really get stressful for me, so I can relate to that!)
Jane - I think I'm getting closer to ok with the med situation. I have already succumbed to the fact that I'll likely need anti-depressants the rest of my life to function in the realm of normal, so I'll accept this eventually too. I think that you are right though, T said this to help me gain perspective, not to make me feel worse. And T has said many times that I don't need to apologize in therapy, sometimes I just can't help it though. Interesting perspective switch with the idea of saying thank you, too. I have to think on that a little more! Like you said, if I'm in the wrong space, even a "could be worse" will send me into a fit of tears, even though it was meant to help! Come to think of it... a thank you does fit here, actually, as I much needed the perspective shift!
number9 - I'm thinking too that it was more about acknowledgement than anything else, I just wasn't in a space to hear anything like that at all. I think I was hoping more for a soft response and while T was soft, I took it more as a buck up and deal with it! Talk about twisting the interpretation!
Laura - you bring up a good point about comparing childhoods. My T is very strong with boundaries, and only when it is therapeutically beneficial will T bring anything into the therapy room. I think that this was one of those situations, and I just wasn't having it!
Liese - yeah... that's what I was thinking the apology needed to be - cause I was whining about something that was so much less important than what T dealt with. T is and has been very supportive of all my whining as a release, and makes sure to take my whines and turn them into productive conversation when I'm done
Yaku- I do think T meant it to be helpful. My T is always trying to get me to recognize the little ways I've learned to take care of myself, and going to the doctor for this situation was actually a big way. I just don't know how to handle all this self care stuff, or process it, or deal with the scary side of some of these appointments. I did talk, and I almost look forward to continuing the conversation next time.
Jane - I think I'm getting closer to ok with the med situation. I have already succumbed to the fact that I'll likely need anti-depressants the rest of my life to function in the realm of normal, so I'll accept this eventually too. I think that you are right though, T said this to help me gain perspective, not to make me feel worse. And T has said many times that I don't need to apologize in therapy, sometimes I just can't help it though. Interesting perspective switch with the idea of saying thank you, too. I have to think on that a little more! Like you said, if I'm in the wrong space, even a "could be worse" will send me into a fit of tears, even though it was meant to help! Come to think of it... a thank you does fit here, actually, as I much needed the perspective shift!
number9 - I'm thinking too that it was more about acknowledgement than anything else, I just wasn't in a space to hear anything like that at all. I think I was hoping more for a soft response and while T was soft, I took it more as a buck up and deal with it! Talk about twisting the interpretation!
Laura - you bring up a good point about comparing childhoods. My T is very strong with boundaries, and only when it is therapeutically beneficial will T bring anything into the therapy room. I think that this was one of those situations, and I just wasn't having it!
Liese - yeah... that's what I was thinking the apology needed to be - cause I was whining about something that was so much less important than what T dealt with. T is and has been very supportive of all my whining as a release, and makes sure to take my whines and turn them into productive conversation when I'm done
Yaku- I do think T meant it to be helpful. My T is always trying to get me to recognize the little ways I've learned to take care of myself, and going to the doctor for this situation was actually a big way. I just don't know how to handle all this self care stuff, or process it, or deal with the scary side of some of these appointments. I did talk, and I almost look forward to continuing the conversation next time.