Oops how did I miss that he is 2? That's the first thing you said.

I don't know what to think. I mean I guess there are ways to go to the bathroom with a toddler that doesn't necessarily expose them to your body. I wonder if she had to really go badly or what?

I mean you know best. If you are already worried about her around your son then that may be what is setting off your alarm bells.

Hrm...that your H has such a strong reaction to it would make me wonder why that is and concern me. Everyone has different comfort levels. It really depends on the whole situation. If someone (I trusted) REALLY had to go (older people like your MIL sometimes do HAVE TO right away) and couldn't wait a minute for whatever reason and it wasn't safe to let the child play on their own for that minute, I think I'd understand that. It being a tighter space might make it a little weirder. In general, kids of that age learn toileting habits from seeing others (mom, dad, older siblings) doing that, if they're not potty trained yet.

I grew up with a large family with very questionable boundaries, in a house with one bathroom, though...so my sense of what is OK and not OK might not be the best gauge. But, say I was watching my very young nephews, for example. And the location wasn't well baby-proofed (my home is well-enough and they're comfortable here) or else I was watching them in a store or park somewhere and had to use the restroom immediately. I wouldn't hesitate to take them in there with me and with all attempts at modesty, do what I needed to. And if my older sisters had to do the same while watching my daughter, I probably wouldn't bat an eye.

My own, personal, shame-filled loathing for my body aside, I don't see bodies or natural bodily processes as intrinsically gross or bad or even automatically sexual. Obviously, some amount of privacy and modesty is appropriate, especially as a child grows older. ****TRIGGERS**** Obviously, I'm never going to be like my mom where it is seemingly OK for my kids to see/hear my sexual activities, or take no care to cover up at all for privacy in the bath and throughout the house. ****END TRIGGERS****

However, I'm not one to overly worry about my kids seeing human bodies in non-sexual scenarios. I wouldn't want any family member trying to purposefully show my daughter any part of their body, or anything else inappropriate. And I'm fine with my H's own desire for complete modesty since Boo was a very young baby. While there can be some negative affects of over-exposure and definitely inappropriate exposure, I think there can be positive effects of countering what our culture and media says the human body should look like, on top of not wanting to transmit my own shame about my body to my kids.

I'm probably averagely modest with my body at home? I don't know...I'm much more modest than the rest of my family, but my family has...well, boundaries are an issue. My H is very modest about private parts, but otherwise I'd say pretty average as well. Boo, on her own, has decided she feels particularly modest about showing her tummy to anyone at all, since a very early age, for no reason I can discern.

Anyway, this is not to judge anyone for having an opinion one way or another or being distressed or frightened. As I said, I'm OK with whatever other peoples' boundaries are (including my H's and Boo's). All I'm saying, I suppose, is with a very young child who can't mind themselves a few minutes, and someone I trusted very much, it wouldn't bother me personally. But, your H's strong reaction to his own mother doing that makes me...anxious.

GE,

Not a lot of time to type right now, but my thoughts were similar to yaku's as I read this. I thought your H's reaction a bit over the top.

Hi GreenEyes,

I hope it's ok to chip in here. I feel similar to Yaku here in that my alarm bells wouldn't have gone off about the toilet incident- it would have been 'normal' in my FOO (I don't have kids myself) where there was no sexual abuse. I figure until kids are old enough to watch themselves, these things are pretty much a necessity at times.

I also wonder if there was a little bit of (maybe one-way, maybe mutual) power dynamics/hidden conflict being played out between your H and MIL? She asked for help, perhaps because she needed to go right then, and he wasn't able to give it right then. Because any requests can be loaded in close family relationships, perhaps they got into a bit of a tit-for-tat situation. But I'm guessing if she meant harm to your son she wouldn't have asked for the help originally; she didn't seem to be acting secretively, at least.

I'm going to have to agree with everyone else here. I don't think going to the bathroom with a 2-year-old in the room is particularly shocking and I wonder why your H was freaking out about it...

Hey,

I just wanted to add a couple things now that I’m a little more awake. Firstly, to be honest, what you wrote about your H triggered a memory of my dad raging at my much beloved grandma, so some of my response came from that. I wondered if his outburst might not have been more disturbing/detrimental for your son to witness than the potty incident.

*On the other hand*, I can totally get the frustrations of dealing with a MIL with poor respect for boundaries generally. Mine is constantly questioning and making critical comments about things that don’t really concern her. She’s subtle enough about it (just barely) that it can pass for making conversation, but it’s impossible to escape the sense of being evaluated and under surveillance. Anyway, if she had done what your MIL had here I think I would have been annoyed, too. It’s hard not to interpret everything she says as barbed or everything she does as one more move in a game of power play, because, well, that’s the dynamic she’s created. It becomes it’s own context through which everything is interpreted, probably more or less accurately.

All that to say, if you feel like your MIL is not normally respectful of your standards for and authority over (not crazy about that phrase, but can’t think of a better way to put it) your son, and especially if what happened goes against your beliefs about modesty, I can see viewing it as violating.

It’s a tricky relationship to navigate, especially because you probably want your son to have good relationships with his grandparents. I hope sorting things out goes as well for your family as possible.

Have to say I agree with the majority here; I did the same thing with my children when they were too young to be left unsupervised. I also have recollections of going in cubicles with my grandma when we were out shopping because she didn't want to leave me outside alone. BTW I once was handed a very small baby when queuing for the ladies by the woman in front to mind whilst she went in; of course I didn't mind but OMG I would never have done that with mine I guess we all have different boundaries and worries about stuff.

2 Year olds don't look at bodies as sexual, they are usually quite interested in toilet stuff so would be matter of fact about the situation unless there was anything out of the ordinary to make them differently I imagine.

I have SA abuse history and wondered how I would be with my own children; actually it felt ok to be naked around them - not overtly, but just if they happened to walk in when DH or I were changing or something, and it never bothered me or them if the same happened in reverse. But I know every family is different and I friends who would never let their kids see them naked and vice versa so I guess it's down to what feels right and comfortable.

I too would be more worried if she tried to hide it, if there was anything untoward I don't think she would have publically asked for your son to be minded in the first place.....after all sometimes with young children the only peace we have is on the loo!

I wonder if you feel so uncomfortable because you say her boundaries aren't healthy - I think that might make a lot of situations that might be viewed as normal as suddenly being not and I can understand that

starfishy

(((GE)))

I too have had the experiences most are talking about above.

If it gives you a bad feeling though, to have your son go potty with others I'd talk to her and ask her not to do so... something I worry about though, is if she can't leave him alone when she babysits and needs to go to the washroom she could always ask him to turn around or something but I worry about learning shame there Kids that age really are interested in all that potty stuff.

I also find the older people are, the more comfortable they are with their bodies. My grandparents are some seriously shameless folks - and being in locker rooms at the gym and stuff... it's the young people like me who will cover up, or stand in the corner but anyone over 45 is pretty much wandering around nude. It's an individual thing I think Anyways, keep your boundaries my dear whatever they may need to be.

((((GE))))

It does sound like your H overreacted but, then again, maybe something happened between your H and his mom that we don't know about? If not, I'd say she was being a responsible babysitter. If it were my kid, I'd rather a babysitter do what she did than leave my 2 year old unattended.

You said she had been watching him for a few hours. Maybe she had been waiting for your H to come home so that she could go and, when he put her off, just decided she couldn't wait. If she wasn't aware of appropriate boundaries, she wouldn't have asked your H to watch him while she went to the bathroom. She would have taken your son with her into the bathroom while H was out.

How did your H manage to get the locked door open?