Hi Ang,

You were so brave to tell him what you did. It took so much courage. It has to be awful to have to wait until Tuesday to see him with all this stuff hanging out there. I'm dying for a hug too so I know what that feels like.



Liese

Thanks l.
I know you have had alot of ups and downs with your T. I know the boundary about touch will not change. Part of this is he used to like many Ts but it took one client to misunderstand and take it too far. (I secretly hate this client). Scared to tell him I'm in this place again. It is the weekend so we won't touch base unless I am in crisis.
Wish I could just call him now so it doesnt get at me all day tomorrow.

(((ANG))))

I'd hate the client too. Heck, why make it a secret? I know it is so hard for the T's.

Is there a particular reason why you are scared to tell him where you are at? I get like that too. It's usually because I'm afraid he will think I'm not making enough progress. I had a bout of that last week. But just over the past couple of days, thought to myself, well who the heck is paying for this therapy anyway? And if I hide where I am at, then he can't help me. Maybe part of it is just trusting that they are going to be there for us whether or not we are making progress or if we are stuck or in pain. Maybe that's when we need them the most.

Can you call him this weekend? Or will he question you as to the reason for your call?

Liese

Good points. Weekends are for crisis. One time though for another reason I got to talk to him on a Sunday and he made sure I was ok before we hung up. It was nice. I know I just need to tell him. Partly yes I do think he will be disappointed in me. He is nice and gentle but firm when needed. So how do I tell him its not enough?

Ang,

How do you tell him when what's not enough?

Liese

I was having a lot of trouble between sessions and noticed that every day after T contacted me I would fall apart. So we worked out a contact schedule and it is more even - basically T contacts me every 2 days. It took months and months of bad, bad stuff and crises, fights, ruptures, repairs and lots of discussion, silences, emails and tears (do you get the message it was a difficult process) for T and I to work out how we manage it. Eventually I could work out that weekends were bad - T would contact me Thurs night via email and then I was waiting until Tuesday - every weekend became a bad time for me. T now texts me on a Saturday to check in and that helps a lot.


I never dreamed my T would do this or to offer to email or text - but she offered. It took a world of courage for me to talk about it, but it was absolutely worth it. My relationship with her has grown stronger.

SD

Sorry L, I just understood your question. i mean he is giving me enough, so how do I tell him it is not enough and I still worry about his care. He once joked that if he could only hammer it in my head.

Ang,

It's probably best for you to tell him just like you wrote it out because maybe there is something you can work on together that might help. I struggle with it too and have found that there are so many different strands that interfere with me feeling like it's enough. Maybe it just takes time. And maybe we have to test them along the way and with their consistency, we will come to feel it is enough?

I don't know if that helps. Talking to him about it might lead to something fruitful. If you really feel bad about it, you can preface it with, I know you give me so much and I appreciate that but I still struggle with this so much ...?

Good luck. When do you see him next?

Liese

liese,
Thank you so much. I see him soon and have a couple of appointments this week. I started in an email which he reads. He even something special that I asked him to do this past week. I just hate the struggle .

Liese,
Help my week appointments start tomorrow. on a good note I was in the office building for another appointment and waiting in stairwell. All of the sudden the door opened and he was coming down the stairs. This has happened a few times and we have gotten over the initial awkwardness. It is probably hard on Ts to in those situations. Because they need to consider privacy and all. But he said Hi right away and chatted with me a few minutes. I was afraid because I knew he had or would be reading my email, so I barely looked up. but it took some nervousness away.. that is til morning. Thinking of sitting on the floor..instead of the chair. How did you deal with this with your T? As I thought I saw your T was a non toucher too. Which is not a deal breaker for me, because Ts have to be careful. But saddening

Hi Ang... welcome to the Board. I hope you find the support you need here and that you share more of your story.

My T does not hug either. That is his boundary and although I found it really difficult to accept and almost a deal-breaker at one time, I do understand and feel his care for me in other ways. He is an amazing T and I wouldn't trade him for anyone. I had an oldT who abandoned and traumatized me and he did hug but what did that mean in the end? He hurt me badly. My T shakes hands coming and going and will pat my shoulder or squeeze my arm in affection. It feels really good when he does that.

I do sometimes sit on the floor with my T. I have found it connecting in a way that I occassionally need from him. I am better able to connect with the young part of me when we are on the floor. My T has been so accepting of this need which surprised me at first because he is not that young and also because he is dressed neatly in business clothes. But he said he'd do whatever it takes to help me and sitting on the floor, playing board games or even coloring would be fine with him. I have not attempted that yet but we did have my graduation "party" on the floor. It was wonderful (I graduated college in April).

I think it's good that you asked for additional sessions. I see my T twice per week and it works well for keeping me stabilised. My T is also knowledgeable about attachment and he is very accepting of it. We talk about it all the time. He encourages me to attach to him and he said that it's only natural for love to form in the therapy relationship when you are in long term, psychodynamic therapy. He also has a pretty liberal contact policy... email and phone calls. He has a pager and then he calls me back when he has time. Always the same day. He responds to emails once per day in the morning. He does not like texting and I only texted him once in an emergency. His system works really well for me and he has been there for me through some really bad trauma.

Keep us updated Ang on what happenes with T.

Best,
TN

Ang, T and I sit side by side on a sofa - rather than opposite each other. It has changed the dynamics a lot having her next to me (with a big space and a large cushion there, that i put there) and T especially lounges around. Sometimes I forget that we are there in therapy as we are both physically more comfortable. T said she would sit on the floor if i asked or get another chair and we have also gone for walks, done the session many times in a local park and also done a session at a cemetery (next to my friend's grave to help unlock my grief). All of these things make me feel that my T cares for me and helps with the attachment.

My T and I don't hug (would it be weird that she is a female??) but she probably would if I asked. But I won't ask. We don't touch or shake hands - but we are fairly close and comfortable on that sofa - and that makes up for it.

SD

Hi Ang,

My T initiated the hug discussion in an indirect way. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have brought it up. He will use some form of touch very occasionally. It IS hard. It feels very cold to me. We keep talking about it when it bothers me. I told him that just because he told me his boundary and I more or less accept it doesn't mean that the issue is going to go away or not bother me anymore.

My T doesn't think touch is necessary at all but I completely disagree. He doesn't feel like a human being to me. Contrary to all of the others, he doesn't even shake hands. We'd never touched at all until I was with him for 4 years. I told him he felt like a cardboard cutout.

I'm glad you ran into him and things seemed normal.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

Liese

Hi Ang,

Don't think we've "met" before. Welcome to the forum!

quote:

I am better able to connect with the young part of me when we are on the floor.

I agree with what TN said here, in the sense that I've had the same experience. One time when I brought my baby with me to therapy, I spread out a blanket for him to lie on on the floor and I sat next to him on the floor for part of the session. T stayed in her chair, though. Anyway, while I was sort of half talking to her and half playing with him, I noticed how it felt different when I glanced up at her and she was looking down at me and smiling. I had for a bit a confused sense that I was about seven years old again, playing on the floor at my grandma's house and that T was grandma. I mean, I didn't actually think this, but there was a kind of feeling of time warp and space melding if that makes any sense. As a consequence, I began chattering freely about some things I had only mentioned in the most stilted and filtered way before. It just all started flowing and felt very natural.

All this to say, along with the others here I'd encourage you to try the floor thing if it's in your heart and okay with your T. Maybe a younger part of you is trying to nudge you in that direction because she has something to say.

All the best to you,
Heldincompassion

Thanks guys. I had the first session of the week this morning. I can't write much now but will start.

I was burned and hurt badly by a former T. Story in short he lost his license to practice for abusing females and overcharging. So unfortunately this good new T has gotten a lot of backlash from it.

We just started a little on the attachment stuff because he wanted me to deal with something. There was a disruption at the end and I mistook something he said so I felt like I i was rushed. ERRRRRRRR. I wrote him a little but I wanted to scream, see me, hear me! How do i tell him this? He already knows the statement bothered me. What if he's trying to get rid of me?

(((((ANG)))))

quote:

What if he's trying to get rid of me?

My heart aches for you because I have felt like that a lot during my therapy. It's taken going over those feelings again and again and again and getting lots and lots of reassurance pretty much all the time. It's a really hard feeling to overcome.

I doubt he is trying to get rid of you. Not that it hasn't happened or couldn't happened but it would be unethical of him to push you out the back door. But just to be sure, can you ask him if he wants to work with you?

Liese

Liese,

He was saying "You have got to deal with this." "This is what therapy is about otherwise you are wasting your time and mine. " All I heard? "You are wasting my time" Am I wrong? Yes he was pushy today, but he is a great T. But I'm afraid if I say it all in an email, he wont have time to read it before tomorrow. And I'll still be stuck on it.

((((ANG)))))

Ouch. That would have hurt me too. Do you see him again tomorrow? Do you think he was saying that therapy is painful? Therapy is painful but when I went on a bunch of consults, they all said it doesn't have to be THAT painful, like you should be able to function in between sessions.

Can you express to him that you are committed to therapy but would like to make it a little less painful so you can cope better?

Yes tomorrow. I understand that it is painful and I need it. He is gentle. Sometimes being the first session in the morning is good, sometimes not. it's just with the rude disruption with someone banging on the door (assistant wasnt there yet). It was hard to voice what I needed . I wrote him an email and said that it hurt and I was afraid he was trying to get rid of me. Abandonment is a big fear after last T. He hurt me any many others and terminated me over the phone, no apologies. I get that I need to accept myself but i need to know he cares. What if hes mad i'm stuck?

Ang,

I worry a lot that my T is going to get frustrated that I'm stuck. But they do say that if we're stuck, it has something to do with the dynamic rather than that it's just our fault. I try to remind myself, not always successfully, that the therapy is for me and I am the one who should be judging the therapy and if it's working for me and if I'm getting out of it what I want to get out of it. That doesn't always works but helps sometimes.

And then other times I just tell myself that I'm at where I'm at and I have to love me just right where I am. And hopefully T will "love' me right where I am too. Because I can't be anything but myself, right? That doesn't always work either but also helps sometimes.

(((((ANG))))))

Liese