Hi Affinity... we have had the touch conversation multiple times... probably 4 sessions of it in 4 years. The first time I introduced it was about 14 months into our relationship and it went VERY badly. This is how I learned not to blind-side my T. Mostly because it backfires on me. If I alert him first on a sensitive topic via email we have a much better outcome for both of us. Anyway, I was so crushed by our conversation that I felt it was a deal-breaker and I could not work with him any longer.

The problem was... he was such a great T that it was too difficult to give him up and I'm so glad I didn't. We always shook hands coming and going from day one. That is his standard policy. Later on he begin to pat my shoulder or rub my arm before I left. That really means a lot to me because it feels very affectionate and it can be very grounding as I tend to dissociate mostly when I'm leaving his office.

I had asked him if he hugs in that very first conversation. His response was that NO ONE touches him from that side of the office (meaning patients) and that he has only hugged 2 people since he's practicing and one was a guy LOL who hugged him when he was leaving for good. The other woman was also leaving therapy. So I felt that I would never get any of the touch I felt I needed and craved from him at times. He told me he is just not comfortable with hugging. It was a "cultural" thing for him. Boy was I mad at him that day.

I found the courage to bring up how badly he handled the conversation and we talked more calmly about it. Then we had another talk about why I felt some touch was important and he explained some of why he reacted that way and felt that it was not a good thing when you didn't fully know the client, when there was an abuse or trauma history with the client, etc. And (I think) it's always more complicated in a male/female dyad.

I later gave him some articles to read about touch in therapy and I think he felt more comfortable with the topic as a therapeutic aid and he realized where I was coming from with this and not from the angle of eroticized transference which is different than "erotic" transference. By this time we knew each other better and our relationship was becoming more stable and trusting.

About a year ago when I was having to go into the hospital for a procedure that was terrifying to me, we sat together in a session and spoke quietly about my fears. Then in a moment I could not control I askd him if I could hold his hand for a minute so I could take that feeling into the surgery with me. He wheeled closer and extended his hand for me to hold. I was SO SCARED I could barely hold it for more than 5 seconds. It was such a powerful feeling. I think it was way more powerful than a hug could ever be. When I pulled away he was still there with his hand out. I said that I got scared and he just offered his hand again and this time I was able to hold it longer and to even sneak a look at him. I will never forget that moment.

We talked about it at a later session and since then I have asked twice to hold his hand. Once while dealing with a death of someone close to me which caused me to become depressed and desolate and totally disconnected from him. And another time after we had a major disruption. We always talk about it afterwards.

What I have realized from this though is that I am very scared to be too close in proximity to my T. When he wheels his chair closer I get happy and scared at the same time. When we went to the park that one time for a memorial for that person (C) that I lost, we sat together on a small bench and it was all I could so to sit there without fleeing in fear. Being close enough to breathe in his wonderful cologne was a very powerful experience.

I have been thinking of talking about this iwth him again. I would like to experience his nearness and proximity without dissociating and becoming very fearful. Maybe we need to take it a small step at a time. I think it will help with my being able to share the trauma issues if I can feel safer being closer to him.

I had a very bad and traumatic experience with my last T who terminated me and abandoned me abruptly and harshly so this may play into why I have such fears.

My suggestion is to use a session just for this topic and be prepared to discuss all aspects of touch in therapy and perhap bring in an article or two. Zur's website has the best touch article I've read.

Good luck
TN

Affinity,
My T has a no touch policy (aside from a handshake at the end of session). But its across the boards and applies to all clients. That makes it a bit easier, but I could understand where if he did hug some patients, my case would be more problematic.

We have talked about my romantic/erotic feelings for him. Since I was sexually abused by my dad, you can see where touch between us could get really confusing. And as much as it hurts (and I have shed buckets of tears over it as well as spending years flinching every time I read about someone getting hugged by their therapist) in the long run, I think he made the right call. As I have started to dig into feelings about my body and sexuality, I have come to understand how confused I am about touch and have had several sessions where I have experienced a deep visceral understanding of just how important it was that my T did not hug me.

That said, discussing the topic, and we have spent a number of sessions returning to the topic, has been incredibly important even knowing that boundary wasn't going to change. (and trust me, it ain't budgin') I have been able to understand and mourn some very deep losses around not having a safe embrace with my father, and come to understand a lot of belief about myself having to do with sexual attractiveness and my sense of being evil and repulsive. So I think talking about it is so very important. Especially since, in my experience, anything in the therapeutic relationship which invokes intense pain is an indicator of an area that bears exploring.

I'm sorry, I know this is really painful.

AG

Thanks, everyone. Session is 2 hours away now, so I'm just trying to hang in there.

I'm sorry I haven't been very responsive on the boards lately. I'm transitioning to a new position at work, but for the last 6 weeks or so, the transition has involved me doing the new job and my old job at the same time. It's been massively stressful. Throw in some medical issues and the fact that my son is about to start school for the first time, and it's a wonder I'm still sane. I honestly don't know how I'm surviving.

We'll see if I'm brave enough to broach the touch subject today. I know it's something I need to talk about. But the pain underneath is just crazy.

Hi Affinity,

While I don't have issues with touch I can relate to how difficult it can be to broach a very sensitive subject with a T. I've got my fingers crossed for you! For me I try and focus on how discussing a difficult subject, regardless of how my T responds, moves me one step along in my healing process. It doesn't make it any easier for me, but it gives me something to hang on to. Good luck.

LongRoad

Hi Affinity,

it does seem like all roads lead to our core issues, doesn't it?

quote:

On the one hand, I really appreciate how safe my T has made me feel, and I don't want to mess with that.

I just wanted to say that you wouldn't be "messing" with anything at all. Bringing something up like that certainly doesn't have to mean losing everything you've built so far.

As an aside-- I have to wonder why any T would announce s/he uses touch with other clients but not you. I've seen this on the boards in a few different places, and I am trying to puzzle that one out. Just seems like dangling the carrot or twisting the knife in the wound or something. NOT that I am suggesting he is willfully doing anything like that. It strikes me as strange, and I wonder if there is a purpose behind it that I am missing.

Anyway, hope you had a good, connected session

Hi affinity.

I think you're really brave bringing it up previously. I do hope y can begin to talk to yr T about it again some more, cos clearly it's still 'there' for you.

If you're feeling too vulnerable when brining up the other topic, to go to talking about the touch issue; say so before you bring it up might help?

Ie 'I have something to talk to you about; I'm worried you might bring up another issue I'm just not ready to talk more about though, so I need y to go gently and if I'm feeling too vulnerable, I need you to change the topic'

(Or something similar).

Just an idea

EFFED: I used to wonder why a T might say they hug some clients and not others - but I think it's way more important they are open and honest than to lie to spare a clients feelings.

What would happen if the client met someone else who see's the same T and somehow the topic gets onto 'oh he / she gives great hugs!'and suddenly you realise your T liked to you all along.

I'm also pretty sure a T wouldn't say it to HURT a client, ie to 'rub it in' or to point it out for the purpose of triggering anger or hurt in the client either. I just think a T is being honest and I think that's the most important thing of all.

quote:

I think it's way more important they are open and honest than to lie to spare a clients feelings.

I'm actually somewhat glad that my T offers touch to some of his clients. I mean, yeah, major jealousy and pain at times, but the fact that he's willing to touch clients says a lot about his open and caring nature. I don't get to experience this nature through touch, but I do get it in other, very meaningful ways. And that's important.

I didn't broach the touch subject yesterday, but I did break through to some of the underlying well of pain that I've been unable to reach or articulate for weeks, which may have set the stage to discuss the touch issue next session. At one point, when I was on the verge of tears, my T moved his chair and leaned forward to be closer to me. It was a special moment.

He asked: "How do you deal with the emptiness inside of you?"

I said: "I just live with it."

I'm still trying to process the session and my feelings about it. Anytime the pain is this profound, my ET goes through the roof. This was one of those rare times when I felt it (briefly) in session. Unfortunately when it came time to schedule my next appointment, my regular slot was filled and I couldn't make the one he had available. So now I won't see him until next Saturday, which is a little distressing.

However, at one point he turned to me and said, "You know, if you ever need to call me between sessions, you can. We're dealing with some really heavy stuff, here." And there was this expression on his face like he suddenly realized that I haven't called him between sessions since my first month or two of therapy. I was just gobsmacked that he would offer, especially since he seemed to discourage it in the beginning. So I don't know. Lots of crazy emotions right now.

Hi Affinity -

It sounds like these are hard times in your therapeutic work, and that you have a myriad of emotions that are ricocheting through your body. I am wondering, though, what you think your T meant when he said it would be "cruel" to incorporate touch into your therapy.

I have had major problems with touch since I was a little girl, and I've been through lots of iterations in approaching the issue with a handful of therapists. With current T, whom I have been seeing since November, I asked up front if she gives hugs. (I might have had to continue looking for another T if she'd said no.) I also told her that I have major issues with touch, but that I would like to have hugs.

We agreed it would be best to talk about the issue before doing anything. A very good decision. In this way, our approach has been to talk about what touch means to me, how I experienced touch in the past, what I wanted in a hug from T, how I thought it might feel, and more.

I was fortunate to ask (and to know) in the beginning that T allowed touch. I didn't feel pressure to "make the case" for being touched. I also haven't experienced (with current T) the angst of desiring and being refused touch. That is such a painful place and, I think, sometimes causes therapy to stray from the original need if not handled carefully by the T.

I wish you well in your journey,
-RT