I can so relate Raven... I'm a year in myself, and those butterflies are more and more frequently visiting me as my walls in therapy are slowly coming down, or at least they now have several windows and even a door in which T can reach me most of the time.
It is SO unsettling for me to feel and hear Ts concern and care for me. I will tell you, I make three steps forward with T, and then 15 steps back quite often... the good news is, I might take those three steps forward in the first 10 minutes of a session, run back 15 steps immediately, but by the end of the session, I've crawled forward those 15 steps and am once again at a manageable place.
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I've allowed myself to become very isolated and lonely in my personal world, when what I've really needed is connection and support. I feel like I can't share any of my truth or complex story with those in my superficial successful professional life because no one would believe it or they'd think I'm a freak.
I get this, boy do I get this. I spend my days Happy-go-Lucky girl, and my nights falling apart. I find it extremely hard lately, as like you, we're getting close to come core issues and each time I let T in just a little, I have a major freak out and melt down, as it's really scary stuff for me (though nothing seems to scare her, which is actually quite comforting) and I want to run back into my fortress. That's where I'm so used to being, so that's where I'm comfortable... but it is awfully lonely in there. And to talk about this with anyone in the "real world" is impossible! Not only would I feel freakish, I just don't trust people enough to discuss things important to my growth. Which does put me in between a rock and a hard place sometimes, when I want to process a therapy session and have no one to talk to about it.
My T said something that has been incredibly helpful in helping me continue through this process - she said that only strong people have the courage to do therapy, cause it takes a very strong person to look inside themselves this deeply, and make changes. Weak people avoid therapy, it's too much work.
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I had no one to call and help me get through it. She said I could have called her. Just hearing her say that made me feel so touched and gave me a butterflies in my stomach feeling. I am no where near being able to call her at this point.
Something my T told me I could do has been really helpful. I can call her voicemail anytime I need to about anything, and she will not call me back (so I know I'm not bothering her) unless I specifically ask her to. In the past year, I've left her about a dozen messages just telling her whatever it is I need to say about the moment, the situation, etc, and surprisingly, once I leave it for her on her voicemail, I feel a lot better! It is one tool she's given me that I never thought I could use, either, but turns out, not only can I use it, it helps! Maybe that could be a start for you to reaching out for help?
I've been really into quotes lately, and have been using them as a jumping off point for my blogs. This is one I haven't yet used, but I think it will pop up shortly - "I've built a wall, not to block anyone out, but to see who loves me enough to climb over it." Funny thing is, I think people may have tried to climb over it in the past, but I wouldn't let them in. With this T? She's climbed the wall, and often sits perched atop the wall... I hope that one of these days I let her climb all the way in...
Don't know if any of that helps Raven, but hopefully, knowing that you're not in this spot alone, helps a little. (and sorry, didn't realize this was so long winded! I am in that oddly reflective spot after a rather emotional therapy session myself!)
