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****Triggers?****
Also waiting on access. I can't say I've struggled with it for an extensive period, as it has only been months for me, but I did at first have part of me that just thought, who cares what I do to my body if it is helping me survive? It took my daughter (2.5), who still showers with me often, saying, "You got owie, Mommy? I kiss it! All better!" to remind me that my body is not just my own. I mean that from a spiritual and a familial perspective. Also, I try to remember that SI is not in itself the core problem. It is an adaptive response to pain, like many other behaviors many of us struggle with. So, rather than just avoiding those behaviors, I have begun to change my thinking about them. I am trying to be more aware of when I am in pain and the other options I have (telling H, texting T or my pastor, praying, writing in my journal or on these forums) before it becomes overwhelming to the point where I cannot manage to cope in any other way. I'm not sure if that makes sense...
Also waiting on access. I can't say I've struggled with it for an extensive period, as it has only been months for me, but I did at first have part of me that just thought, who cares what I do to my body if it is helping me survive? It took my daughter (2.5), who still showers with me often, saying, "You got owie, Mommy? I kiss it! All better!" to remind me that my body is not just my own. I mean that from a spiritual and a familial perspective. Also, I try to remember that SI is not in itself the core problem. It is an adaptive response to pain, like many other behaviors many of us struggle with. So, rather than just avoiding those behaviors, I have begun to change my thinking about them. I am trying to be more aware of when I am in pain and the other options I have (telling H, texting T or my pastor, praying, writing in my journal or on these forums) before it becomes overwhelming to the point where I cannot manage to cope in any other way. I'm not sure if that makes sense...
Hi SG, I have meant to tell you how much I can relate to some of your story. I wasn't always in the position I am now. I too was kicked out of my mother's house (multiple times, but the last time at 18-years-old as a senior in high school, I chose to not return). I was financially independent from that time and never took any support from my parents to get through school, but used work and scholarships. My father checked out of my life between 10 and 13. I started dating H when I almost 18, and we have stuck it out through a lot of really hard stuff lately. I didn't become a Christian until almost 17 (I can totally understand your hesitancy if you've had bad experiences with religion). All these choices for stability were basically choosing to be what my family was not. I'm not trying to say, look at all these good choices I made and how great I am. What I am saying is having made those "good choices" without doing the work to face myself, to truly get at my hurt...it's almost meaningless to have those supports in place. You cannot grow without the courage to face yourself and your questions here show that you have that courage. It is truly something to be proud of. I hope I'm still making sense. I feel so off lately.
***continuing trigger warning until this gets moved***
SG,
I understand what you are saying. For me, I've made up my mind that I don't want to SI, but that doesn't mean it is easy to stop. Much of mine happens when I'm so dissociated that it is almost an unconscious process so it makes it hard to control. I have to choose to respond very early to the urges in order to circumvent the behavior and even then sometimes I still succumb to the urges and end up hurting myself. So, I guess my point is that my compass is always pointed in the direction of healthy behavior with an eye to eventually being able to stay in that place all of the time. I just get lost along the way at times. The key for me is to accept it as a temporary set back and not let it sabotage my entire healing process. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. I just start over and go forward with my eye on healthier choices once again.
SG,
I understand what you are saying. For me, I've made up my mind that I don't want to SI, but that doesn't mean it is easy to stop. Much of mine happens when I'm so dissociated that it is almost an unconscious process so it makes it hard to control. I have to choose to respond very early to the urges in order to circumvent the behavior and even then sometimes I still succumb to the urges and end up hurting myself. So, I guess my point is that my compass is always pointed in the direction of healthy behavior with an eye to eventually being able to stay in that place all of the time. I just get lost along the way at times. The key for me is to accept it as a temporary set back and not let it sabotage my entire healing process. No need to throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak. I just start over and go forward with my eye on healthier choices once again.
Yaku and springreen, can you let me know when you get access. I can't enable you for the SI forum but I can move this topic there once you get access. I don't want to move it before or you won't be able to continue the discussion. I think what STRM did is a good idea, posting a trigger at the heading of each post.
SG just so you know there is NO moderator for the forum. Shrinklady looks in from time to time, but there are no official moderators. We're pretty much self-policed.
AG
SG just so you know there is NO moderator for the forum. Shrinklady looks in from time to time, but there are no official moderators. We're pretty much self-policed.
AG
Sure, AG. Will let you know and will keep in mind regarding warnings. The only reason I didn't trigger warn my last post (and this one) is it had nothing to do with that topic at all.
***Triggers - forgot to add that I don't have access yet, either, but did send a message***
Hi Springreen,
I didn't SI for a long time until I started therapy (and it was a while into it before I started). What triggered it is that I remembered a time when I was really young that I hurt myself, and I've had a tough time since remembering that. I'm not all that verbal about it, even though I have mentioned it on here before, but I also have an ED and struggle with alcohol. But these behaviors don't tend to reveal themselves until I'm alone and not in public. The worst SI urges I get are the ones that stem from wanting to do something a whole lot worse to myself, and SI seems like the only way to keep myself from doing something bad. When I am in public, it's easier to believe that the person that does those things isn't real, and so it's a lot easier to think that I don't need any help at all. I think some of that (probably a lot) is tied into thinking that I'm not deserving of any treatment or help, but it's also because I convince myself that my problems themselves aren't real.
I think another big thing that fuels the belief that everything is fine and dandy is the secret itself. In my situation, the only person that knows anything about my problems with SI, etc. is my T. I even have a close friend (my first true, close friend) who told me a while back that she used to SI, but I'm a very, very long way from ever telling her about my struggles with it. But going through my day, surrounded by people who know the side of me that is "fine", it's almost inevitable that I would begin to believe it myself.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think we've crossed paths yet, right? I've been pretty absent lately. Anyway, I have read some of your other posts and just wanted to mention that I'm 21 and in college as well, so I relate closely to some of your situations. I know that I planned on saying more, but I've lost my train of thought. For the most part, I don't want to SI. Mainly because I will feel really ashamed for having done it (my T and I now have a no SI contract). Other times, I think I like that feeling of control, like it's my body. And then there are some times that I just don't even care. Honestly, as bad as it sounds, I'm not sure how much of me actually wants to stop any of my behaviors for the sake of healing and living a better life. The only thing that has any chance to reduce them now is accountability from my T (and my imagination that tells me how negatively my T is judging me for these things).
Sorry for rambling on and on. I probably could have kept it a lot shorter if I just said, yes, I relate to that.
Take care, Springreen.
Hi Springreen,
I didn't SI for a long time until I started therapy (and it was a while into it before I started). What triggered it is that I remembered a time when I was really young that I hurt myself, and I've had a tough time since remembering that. I'm not all that verbal about it, even though I have mentioned it on here before, but I also have an ED and struggle with alcohol. But these behaviors don't tend to reveal themselves until I'm alone and not in public. The worst SI urges I get are the ones that stem from wanting to do something a whole lot worse to myself, and SI seems like the only way to keep myself from doing something bad. When I am in public, it's easier to believe that the person that does those things isn't real, and so it's a lot easier to think that I don't need any help at all. I think some of that (probably a lot) is tied into thinking that I'm not deserving of any treatment or help, but it's also because I convince myself that my problems themselves aren't real.
I think another big thing that fuels the belief that everything is fine and dandy is the secret itself. In my situation, the only person that knows anything about my problems with SI, etc. is my T. I even have a close friend (my first true, close friend) who told me a while back that she used to SI, but I'm a very, very long way from ever telling her about my struggles with it. But going through my day, surrounded by people who know the side of me that is "fine", it's almost inevitable that I would begin to believe it myself.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think we've crossed paths yet, right? I've been pretty absent lately. Anyway, I have read some of your other posts and just wanted to mention that I'm 21 and in college as well, so I relate closely to some of your situations. I know that I planned on saying more, but I've lost my train of thought. For the most part, I don't want to SI. Mainly because I will feel really ashamed for having done it (my T and I now have a no SI contract). Other times, I think I like that feeling of control, like it's my body. And then there are some times that I just don't even care. Honestly, as bad as it sounds, I'm not sure how much of me actually wants to stop any of my behaviors for the sake of healing and living a better life. The only thing that has any chance to reduce them now is accountability from my T (and my imagination that tells me how negatively my T is judging me for these things).
Sorry for rambling on and on. I probably could have kept it a lot shorter if I just said, yes, I relate to that.
Take care, Springreen.