What did he say that was difficult to hear?

TN

I've stormed out of my Ts office before and said see you next week. I know it sounds mean, but I think it's good he said it... it's like a way of saying "I'll still be here" without the sweetness, I suppose.

TN: Thank you for your reply

He said I was blaming my projections on my past. I told him I thought that was a very mean thing to say. Cruel.

I told him I did not like him.

T.

Catalyst:

I understand. Still don't like him. I didn't ask for my past. I didn't ask for projections. I didn't ask for any of this!

T.

If we go with what is written about projection, it is suggested that we all project, pretty much. Every day, in work, at home, in school, with friends, partners, loved ones. So projection itself is not a bad thing, in my opinion at least.

I'm confused about what he might have meant? Projections do tend to be linked to our past experiences - do you think he meant that you weren't recognising what you felt as projection? Or that you somehow weren't taking responsibility for recognising them and working with them with him?

We cannot change our past experiences. All we can do is try to change some of the meaning we have made and some of our responses in the here and now - it's a really tough job.

Is there any chance you might have crossed wires? It's very easy to hear cruelty or perceive someone as being attacking when you're in an activated state. I cannot count the number of times this has happened both in therapy and in my relationship. The person did not intend to be cutting, but it dug deep and accessed some very powerful hurt - and I reacted.

I am really sorry you're hurting, TAS and hope you can work it out with T.

Mallard Thank you for the reply.

"do you think he meant that you weren't recognizing what you felt as projection? Or that you somehow weren't taking responsibility for recognizing them and working with them with him?"

This statement probably summarizes best what was going on. I have trouble with projection because I don't see it when it is happening...I am usually hours late in recognizing it...

As far as taking responsibility, I guess in some ways, I am not happy that I have to. He was pushing me to see the projections and to be aware.

What makes this difficult is that I feel I am at fault because I have such negative projections. And then, I ask myself why I have such negative projections. I know it stems from my childhood.

And then I go off a tangent...I didn't ask for this, this is unfair. I have to undo all of this sh**...NOT FAIR. I hate it.

UGH. It is bad enough to go through an abusive childhood...but then having to go back and undo all the damage...it's as if you are going through it again, alone.

I am just not happy about having to deal with all of this stuff.

It's been a very tough few weeks.

Sorry for the negativity. I hate all of this that is going on right now.

T.

quote:

UGH. It is bad enough to go through an abusive childhood...but then having to go back and undo all the damage...it's as if you are going through it again, alone.

This is why you have a T so that you don't have to go through this alone. If you would let your T in and allow a close relationship (or at least try to) then you would not feel or be alone.

You said your T is mean for telling you your projections come from your childhood but then you just said that you know your projections come from childhood. So, basically, you are in agreement with your T.

Why do you feel like your therapy is an adversarial relationship instead of a collaboration?

TN

quote:

This statement probably summarizes best what was going on. I have trouble with projection because I don't see it when it is happening...I am usually hours late in recognizing it...

You're not alone. Recognising them, owning them, then trying to take back the projection while enduring the remembered pain. It's like grabbing at something you can't quite see. In my experience, at least.

I don't know about you but I could never recognise that I was projecting when I entered a particular state (usually when I perceived that I was about to be attacked). Once I was there, nothing anyone could do could persuade me that my reality was skewed. I was too busy preparing to defend myself (and drowning in all the triggered feelings).

I had to learn to recognise that particular state I was in first before I could even attempt to think about what I might be projecting. I felt really stupid, as if I wasn't being quick or clever enough.

I guess I also want to normalise what you feel - who wants be the one that has to undo the sh*t they went through when other people were mainly responsible and the universe hasn't given them a break? I certainly didn't.

The realisation that only you (albeit with the support of your T and the people that care about you) can change your ingrained reactions to what life has dealt you is a really hard thing to accept and I get that it doesn't feel fair at all.

I suppose I am of the opinion that healing happens on its own timescale. If what you're able to do is recognise that you're projecting after the fact right now, then that doesn't feel like bad going, you know. A massive proportion of the population doesn't even know what projection is, let alone understand how it affects our daily lives.

If getting angry with your T, processing it, and then going back to work through it is where you're at, then that's nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps it might be worth having a conversation with your T about your expectations and his. He may not feel as if he is pushing you - but if you are feeling pushed, that may be a useful conversation to have together.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough few weeks.

Good question TN! Definitely thinking on it! There are so many reasons for the adversarial side of it. Closeness is not my specialty.

Mallard: I am going to keep working at it. It seems so difficult I think because I have to undo the reality of then for the reality of now. All that I saw was true for the few 18 years of my life...and now, I have to recognize how I am seeing things is not the reality of now...even though the feelings are very strong. I think something is very WRONG with me for viewing things the way I do.

Draggers: I probably would have said the exact same thing. Poor man can't win, can he?

Sometimes when I am having trouble with my T I realize that we are in a spot where he just can't say the right thing. Like it's a bad set-up and I know that I am not going to be happy with whatever he says. One time when I was saying, again, "You can't say the right thing right now, you can't win," he turned it around and said "You can't win." Made me think.

Quell: That is profound insight. So true.

T.