Forlorn,

Your post makes me so sad for you. I'm sorry your T is acting so strange on you suddenly. That is so not fair and I can feel your pain in your post. I wish I had something helpful to say, but I just want you to know that you're not alone, and that you are definitely NOT 'nothing'. You ARE special! Please don't forget that. T's can't have favorites, much as we'd like them to. I know I'd love to be my T's favorite, to be special to her. It is hard to accept reality sometimes. But your worth is not dependent on what your T thinks. It's about what YOU think, and most importantly what God thinks. And I know He thinks you're special. Hang in there, Forlorn. Take care of yourself.

MTF

Hi Forlorn,

That sounds super confusing, and I'm sorry it's causing you so much pain. And it must have hurt so terribly to have your T say that you weren't special to her; that's something that hurts us about our Ts even when they don't say it that explicitly.

I always soothed myself with the thought that even though I couldn't be my T's favourite/only/special patient, his relationship with me was unique, since I'm a unique person. And that made it okay that his relationships with his other patients were unique too; it didn't take anything away from me. Of course, I still wanted to be his favourite/only/special patient. We all want to feel special.

The line about "maybe you don't need therapy because you can't talk" strikes me as very strange. Was she trying to challenge you? Spur you into action? Did it feel frightening to you? The "get over it" comment is also a little troubling to me (even though you say you're not saying it right - clearly, that's how you interpreted it). That's why you're there - to work through it, to mourn your losses, to heal. "Getting over it" is a process, not something you can just do on command. I'd be angry and confused in your place too.

And of course you still love her. How could you not? This is what happens with attachment. Please don't beat yourself up for that.

I'm sorry you're hurting, Forlorn. You are NOT nothing. Please be gentle with yourself.

agent

Thank you for your kind words MTH

I feel like I'm wallowing and whining. I can't help but wonder about why it feels things changed. I think about not being special and I would've accepted that if it weren't for the little things she did like getting airfreshener in my favorite scent.

Now I'm basically told to grow up and deal with life and if I don't want to talk then I'm not cut out for therapy. And I'm not ready to be a mature and responsible adult yet. I'm not ready to face this world cause it is scary.

Plus on top of it my sister has been ignoring me and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm ruining everything and I should just crawl away somewhere. I hate feeling stupid and useless but that's just how I feel.

I know T's aren't our friends and they don't make us who we are, but IDK. I'm just feeling like now I can't even pay someone to like me at this point. What a loser am I

I'm trying to put myself in a place where I can numb all this and all these feelings. That's really the best I can do. I called her voicemail tonight and chickened out and didn't say what I wanted to say.

I just gotta stop loving her and numb this. I'm thinking maybe I should've never did this.

Thank you agent. Your words are very kind.

I can't understand things anymore. I'm deeply confused. I found this site about evaluating your therapy. I tried taking the test but I'm too confused, maybe it will be more beneficial for others.

http://www.stopbadtherapy.com/test/therapy.shtml

I feel useless agent. I'm sorry for wallowing. I really think I want to be mad at her but that would hurt to think that she somehow bad for me in anyway cause I just can't seem to do this right. this therapy business. maybe I really do need to leave it alone. maybe I won't have an ideal life but maybe I'm better off. No I don't really mean that do I? I just want her and I'm hurting cause she pushing me away so I'm figuring I'll beat her to the punch. I'll quit before she shows her true colors. So I can always remember her as nice and kind. and I can blame myself for ruining a good thing.

Forlorn,

I am so sorry you're having such a rough go of it. Some of the things your T said are cruel and inconsiderate, and I hate that she said them to you. I know you had a bit of a rupture with her a little while ago...how have things been lately? What was your T talking about with frustrations? I wonder if there was some nasty countertransference that went on, especially because you said that some of the things you told her obviously frustrated her. She handled the whole thing very, very poorly, and I'm so sorry for that. This is in no way your fault. It does seem like you are, like you say, blaming yourself to keep from tainting her image. But that will just make you feel worse, Forlorn, because you know the truth.

Massive hugs. Please keep posting, and let us know how you're doing.

Hi Kashley

Lately I feel like we're drifting apart. Only I want to get closer, but feels she's pushing me away. Only this could be me being afraid and pushing myself away by using every little thing she does as a reason. T said I frustrate her when I say certain things like call her a liar or get mad at her.

I did have a breakthrough on why I can't talk to her and why I am scared to share. A lot of it is largely due to my hearing people in the hall outside her office. And of course, if I can hear them then they can hear me. so I tried speaking softly aka mummbling. But her hearing is not the greatest so she can't her me. So then I don't want to talk at all cause I'm afraid to speak louder cause I don't feel safe. And what annoys me is that today she gave this whole mini-speech on my privacy and providing a safe place for me. But I feel unsafe because of the poor insulation or whatever on the doors. And she just thinks I can't talk cause I don't trust her.

This just hit me tonight as why I can't talk. So when she said maybe therapy isn't for me since I can't feel comfortable talking, it really is partly because I feel insecure there.

I'm still quite confused and trying to work this out in my head. I'm doing some pretty intensive web-surfing and coming to some conclusions about some things.

Thank you Kashley for your support

Forlorn-

Everything with your T sounds very frustrating, and you have every right to be mad about it.

I don’t know if this helps at all, but when I’m hurt or frustrated by something my T said or did, I try to look at the situation to see what my T actually did and what my interpretations of what my T did. Sometimes I’m able to see that my T didn’t really change, or do anything to make me mad- I was just projecting all my fears and frustrations onto him and seeing things that weren’t there. I’m not saying that it was all your fault, or that your T didnt do anything wrong!! This is just something I have done when I’m mad at my T.

quote:

Originally posted by Forlorn: She told me I was not special to her today. I'm just a patient like all the others.

Did she just come right out and say this? If she just said it without an explanation then that’s rude- and it reeks of counter-transference. I do think that this is something important for the therapist to not have favorites and to not think of clients as special, but that’s something that T’s should keep to themselves for the most part. I don’t know if there are times where it would be beneficial to the client to say it? I don’t know, I’m not a T…. But I would think that even if it would be beneficial to the client to tell them that they aren’t special they would do it in a kind and gentle way.

quote:

T said I frustrate her when I say certain things like call her a liar or get mad at her.

Yeah, I don’t like the sound of that…. We’re supposed to be able to be mad at our T’s without them being frustrated.

I’ll say also that frustrations, arguments, disagreements, and letdowns are a normal part of relationships. There are always ups and downs... this could just be a down point in your relationship w/ your T. I think it’s the way that these things are handled that counts. It’s fine to have an argument, but then it has to be worked though and solved so that neither party is left feeling hurt. My T and I got into a little disagreement/ argument last session and when I started to get mad at the beginning and I said, “Sorry, I don’t want to be mad at you.” And he said, “You’re welcome to be mad at me!” When I listened to my session the next day, I realized that after he said that was when I really said what I was thinking, without worrying that he wouldn’t like me anymore or be mad at me for being mad at him.

Of course, I recommend talking to your T. I feel like whenever people are mad at their T’s I’m always saying, “Just talk to your T and it will all be great!!!” I just think that being frustrated is one thing- but then the part that is actually healing and beneficial is talking about it… And the T’s reactions say a lot.

I’d like to hear what you found from your web surfing. That’s what I do whenever I’m questioning anything in therapy!


P.S.
Thanks for posting that link to the evaluating your therapy quiz. I did the test and I got the “Yes to six to nine questions.” HOWEVER, I don’t think it’s a very accurate test at all. There are SO many things that might just be a client’s opinion of the therapist and not how the T actually behaves. For example I answered yes to, “Does your therapist expect that you should imitate him and adopt his values?” I don’t believe that my T actually believes this. But I answered yes because I do have a significant fear of this- that my T is a missionary trying to get me to convert to whatever he believes. I think it mainly comes from that I feel like I’m following his belief or advice in not having sex with someone till I get to know him better. We have had a couple conversations about this, and I think this fear is something that I will be able to work out with time, and it’s not a reason to quit therapy with him.

I could very well go back in a couple months and my answers would be totally different, not because he’s changed, but my perception of our relationship has changed.

Mac

folorn

Your T has a duty of care to provide an evvironment that is private and confidential, being able to hear others and they maybe hearing you in turn is not that. No wonder you are frightened of talking - thats totally understandable. Could you suggest that your T could have gentle music or similar playing outside? I think some Ts have white noise playing. It might just give you that extra confidence you need folorn,

just a thought, I'm sorry it's so hard

starfish

Hi there Forlorn I’m sorry you had a bad session yesterday - seems like you’re going through a real up and down phase with your T at the moment.

Some things that waved red flags at me in your post:

quote:

today she said maybe I didn't need therapy cause I couldn't talk.

To echo what you wrote WTH???? I could maybe take this comment as well meaning if she were suggesting alternative ways for you to get help, if she sees that your finding it difficult to talk is a drawback in therapy, BUT and it’s a BIG but, she’s an art therapist isn’t she? Which means that talk talk talk is not her only ‘tool’. Sorry going to get on my soap box again here too - it’s her JOB to encourage you to talk, to set up the conditions in such a way that you feel safe and willing to risk opening up with words - it sounds to me like she either doesn’t understand how difficult it is for you, or she actually isn’t very good at her job! I’ve been following your posts and I get the impression that she does seem to pull the rug from under you on a fairly regular basis.

I also find her refusal to sit next to you, as she has ALWAYS done, worrying. Were you able to ask her why she decided to change her normal behaviour? If she just refused despite your asking her twice, that sounds to me like she has some sort of agenda that she’s not making plain to you, so it’s perfectly understandable that it would completely throw you and undermine your feelings of safety, as well as freak you out in terms of her withdrawing, potentially wanting to ‘get rid’ of you (I don’t believe she does by the way, but I can understand why it would make you feel that way.)

It does occur to me that her talking about frustrations in relation to her not sitting next to you, is maybe to do with pushing you to deal with YOUR frustrations at not getting something you want from her (though if she’s trying to provoke this in you, she’s gone about it, in my opinion, in a very bad and counterproductive way.)

quote:

She told me I was not special to her today. I'm just a patient like all the others.

Oh Forlorn, no matter what the context was of her telling you that - it just sounds so brutal and, well yes, nasty.

I wonder if she isn’t being like this, acting in a changed more dismissing way, as some kind of negative reaction to when you tried to tell her how you felt about her? From what you said in those posts (other thread) I got the impression that she didn’t really know how to handle your feelings for her and has resorted to taking a distant detached ‘professional’ stand, maybe misguidedly thinking that she needs to now keep you at arm’s length in case you see her as encouraging more positive feelings for her.

Sorry that’s just me wondering aloud - and it’s all negative. I’m really sad for the pain and confusion you are in, and don’t mean to make you feel worse. For what it’s worth, I really do believe you need to try and talk about this with her, all the fears and feelings and confusion that’s going on in you now - you need to get it much clearer with her where she’s coming from and check out just how uncomfortable she is with your feelings.

Oh and that link (thanks for posting it) just wanted to say that the test, and the site from which the questions originally come, strikes me as strongly pro CBT and in the business of dissing other traditional therapeutic approaches - also it’s in the business of discrediting retrieved memories - it seems to belong to the supporters of ‘false memory syndrome’ - I’d therefore be very wary of taking what it says as being unbiased or even totally helpful. But that’s just my reaction to it.

I remember now you mentioned in another post about being able to hear other people through the walls of your T’s office - do you think you could bring that up with her too? It would certainly make it harder for me to talk, knowing that I could probably be heard by others outside - lol in fact in my new Ts room (which is a rented room in a commercial/residential building not a building dedicated to therapy or a health centre) I occasionally hear someone walking past the door and I know they would be able to hear what’s going on in the room - it IS offputting but luckily it’s only happened once in a couple of sessions. If it happened more often I would have to say something.

Forlorn I really hope you can get to talk fully with your T about all of these things going on in you - would it be useful to write it all out and send it to her first via email? That way she has a chance to read it all beforehand and you won’t have the awful situation of trying to say awkward and painful things that she is possibly likely to respond defensively to? Just a thought.

((((( Forlorn )))))

LL

That’s true about the quiz, LL. Whether the quiz is accurate or not depends on what type of therapy you’re in. The question that made the whole quiz not legit for me was this one- “Instead of planning a therapy session, does your therapist merely react to whatever direction a session spontaneously takes?” UHHHH, DUH. That’s the point dude.