Hi Dolphinac,

Welcome to the site, and I'm glad you wrote about your very difficult situation with your P. I liked that you say you "feel empowered to speak up and to ask for someone else to help me" - because it really sounds like you are not getting your needs met in this relationship.

It must be awful to have finally got to a place where you want to talk with her, and then to be put off for six months - six months is a crazy long time!!

I don't know your full situation, but it seems like it is well worth exploring other options with another P or T. Hopefully you can find someone who will help you feel a bit more 'heard', and can work with you where you are at rather than telling you what you should do.

Have you started looking for someone else at this stage?

(((Dolphinac))),

I understand, totally, the part about not wanting to share some things with your husband. I don't believe your P is right in saying that you SHOULD be talking with him about all of this... If you are like me, it's not that you don't WANT to share with your husband - it's just that he is just that - your husband and not your P!

I hope you find someone else to work with, because she sure doesn't sound like she wants to help.

Just know that you are not UTTERLY alone!!!

KS

Hi Dolphinac,

Welcome to the forums. Please know that you are not alone here. We are always here to listen. I have found so much comfort from coming here, also a huge amount of information and like you, empowerment.

I can't understand how it would ever be in a client's best interest to put it all in a box and go away for six months? I thought the whole point of therapy was to get it out of the boxes and heal?

Like Jones said, are you able to explore seeing another T or P? I know that is easier said than done.

Also I don't need or want to tell my husband everything either. He is not able to cope with the depths of my pain and I don't expect him to. He is not trained to process the pain or help me heal like a P is trained to do those things. I have told him all I need for him to do is to be there for me, he doesn't need to understand it just to hug me and hold me when I need it. He does all those things beautifully. And this is perfect for me.

Hugs! Come back and talk to us whenever you want to, we are always here.

thank you so so much for your replies, it is a relief to be understood and to know that my feelings are respected and understood. and yes i will be asking my doctor to be referred to see another P or T. i have left a message to call me about it and so face the task of trying to get my feelings across as to why i dont want my P to treat me anymore. this i fear will be difficult as, even though she has said she will see me in 6 months as long as i stick to medications and dont drink at all not that i drink a lot anyway, maybe once or twice a month now, she is still in the background making decisions about me as she is at the head of the mental health team in charge of my care. my doctor makes her decisions on my care based on her decisions. i let it go for so long i realize as i was afraid to speak up, as i tried to trust her judgment as she is a consultant P. i feel like the obscure depressed mental patient who has to do as i am told. and when i dont progress in the manner in which i feel they think i should, i feel punished for it. reading this site and reflecting has spurred me to try and take action and say what i think out loud to them. im just worried it will just give them more justification to keep their conclusions they have made about me.

my box is open and it wont close. all i want is to speak now to someone who is neutral who i can trust to listen to what i want to say and to allow me to be able to find a way to understand myself where i can find my own way out of my mess. but i need someone who can guide me there safely and at a pace i can handle.

i dont want justification in my misery, i just want help. proper professional help from someone who is outside my box. is that so much to ask? doesnt everyone deserve that? doesnt everyone deserve to be given a clean slate and given a second chance where they are not judged on the past still? i dont think she really wants to help me. i think she is making excuses and just thinks i will accept her decision because she knows i find it hard to talk and speak up.

i have clinical depression, i have never taken drugs, i am not and never have been an alcoholic, this is the first time in my life that i have suffered like this in such a huge way where it has got to a stage where i just cant function as my usual self. im not me anymore. ive lost me somewhere along the way between grief,loss, fear, guilt and hopelessness. i am married and have two wonderful sons who i adore yet my life feels empty and meaningless.

i will not talk much more on the whys of what has happened to me to make me feel the way i do and hence why i now have depression, what i will say though is that i want it to go away, it feels though like i am a person with no equipment getting ready to try and get to the moon!

Hi dolphinac

I had a brief depression (about 3 years) which was pretty horrible. I can imagine to some extent how difficult life can be with it.

Just don't give up on yourself. Look for help. Fight for yourself. Keep looking for the right T. There are people out there who know how and who want to help. Try not to loose hope that things will ever be better. Take care

ok, i am officially very proud of myself! i spoke to my doctor (my GP) and told her how i felt about my P. i didnt bottle out or clam up as usual, i spoke honestly and i now feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. i wish my doc did therapy as shes really nice. but unfortunately shes a GP so cant. anyway, she was understanding and said she will speak to my P about it and look into finding another P for me. i feel more hopeful now.

can i just say that this site is a godsend and i couldnt have done that if i didnt stumble across this site. thanks everyone and i really really appreciate your replies. xxxxxx

Hi dolphinac,

I'm really glad to hear that you were able to talk to your doc, and I wish you the best in finding a new P or T that you can really talk to!

If your P thinks you have a substance/alcohol abuse problem, that may be why she is reluctant to speak to you for 6 months. (My P seems to think I might have a drinking problem ... I don't, I have a problem when I drink. That is to say, I drink maybe once a month, but when I do it goes quite wrong.) I say this because I've read that therapy must be handled with great care for people with substance abuse problems, therapy can hurt more then it will help until the substance abuse problem is under control.

Your P really needs to work with you and not put you in a place where you feel she is working against you. I'm glad you've been able to speak up and look for someone that can work with you better.

yes, i see where you are coming from Heather, i too drink in moderation but in the past i used alcohol as an extra ingredient when i tried to OD, this was back in March. since then i have kept it to a careful minimum as i am very very aware it amplifies my depression if i go into a down spiral. i suppose i am in a way like the story, the little boy who cried wolf in a way as trust works both ways. she has to take my word for it that i dont drink as much anymore. thats now my problem, my past action keep coming back to haunt me in more ways than one. x

Congratulations, Dolphinac! How fantastic (and brave) that you said what you needed to say to your GP and that she heard you. My fingers are crossed that all goes well with finding someone that is a better match for you. Keep us posted.

i have had one of the most poignant day in my life and i need to share it with people for my own sake as well as in the hope that maybe someone who reads it may get something out of it.

i feel i have woken up from a few things, some things are a lot clearer and actually now make perfect sense. the first time in months. i have this all to thank on my P. yes i am going to take a lot back i said before, as now i really really understand why she has done what she has done and said what she has said to me. i will thank her for ever in giving me one of the biggest awakenings i have ever had.

firstly and the most important to me i have realised that by shutting myself off in what i thought would protect my sons from pain by seeing me upset actually has hurt them more than being honest with them. i had let them be confused, upset, worried, and scared to talk to me about my illness rather than give them the credit they deserved to be given the opportunity to understand it and to talk to me openly about it. (i havent told them my most inner thoughts, but i have told them everything about everything i can). they amazed me, wowed me and surprised me just by the sheer depth of how much they do truly understand. more than i ever thought and more now that i could ever had hoped. i am so proud that they are my sons and so devastated that i was doing to them what i vowed many years ago never to do. and that is to treat them like my mum treated me. i only hope that i can now move on and take this very hard lesson to my heart and head and never ever ever let this happen again.

secondly i have realised that rather than material things, what my family want especially my sons is plain and simple as it sounds but it is much much more. all they want is ME. their MUM, WIFE, DAUGHTER, SISTER, AND FRIEND.

thirdly it has dawned on me that my symptoms are not as clear cut and obvious as i thought. through my own misconceptions and denial, dishonesty and lack of trust i have ignored a lot of advice and obvious faith in me, failed to make connections, saw what i wanted to see, do and say, been defensive instead of accepting and stumbled on the realisation that i may have bipolar 2 disorder. this i will talk to my P and GP about tomorrow.

what a day, what a milestone journey, what a revelation. i had to get this all out ofmy head today. had to take the opportunity to make myself speak up, try to take more control of my illness and to try and understand myself.

please please if anyone out there reads this and feels scared to speak their mind, scared to tell their family how they feel, scared to pick up a phone and call for advice. JUST DO IT! it does help, it does make sense, it does need to be done, no it cant wait till tomorrow. do it today, do it now if you can. give yourself a little faith and just make that leap of faith because YOU DESERVE IT!

NOW I HOPE TO TRULY START MY JOURNEY OF RECOVERY AND I SINCERELY HOPE YOU DO TOO XXXXX

had to come back and explain more.

a revelation for me has been actually reading the symptoms associated with bipolar with what feels like having put my glasses on, as i didnt and refused to really see me in amongst the information. i have my friend to thank too though for popping the light-bulb into my head for this, as then i went away, thought about it and read on and switched the light on! i know that this is no diagnosis and only a doctor can diagnose this but all i know now is that for one thing it just fits me. whether or not i started with depression and that i now may have developed bipolar is still a question i need answered but one thin is certain, i intend to pursue it and find out. now i dont care that i have a mental illness, now i dont care what people think or what i thought about it. it is an illness and so that means that i now believe for the first time that i will get better. antidepressants have never worked for me irrespective of other possibilities for this that are many, they are the though the wrong type of meds for bipolar. my perception of MANIA was one of ignorance, and i didnt know that there are different levels of mania, not just really manic to the extreme. i have periods where i can function and do things, go shopping, plan and make decisions, talk to people yet still feel depressed, then i have periods of crushing depression where i cannot even get out of bed never mind talk to anyone! this i see now fits bipolar. i have never expressed myself completely honestly exactly to my P and doc, so it is not their fault i think i have been misdiagnosed.

i see now also that my P was 100% acting purely in my best interests and provided me with what i needed, i had just not seen it yet. she was not wrong about me, she was 100% right. she is a truly amazing P and i will personally make sure that i tell her that. even if i only ever get the chance to talk to her once more. no matter if she still wont treat me right now. i now see and finally completely trust her judgment. my attachment to her, my abandonment issues with her, my transferance of mistrust, hate, dependance and fear have prevented my progression, not the therapy she is giving me. now i know that. now i truly understand and know that.

i know my recovery has just begun. it will be difficult, i will feel better then feel utterly low again. i may revert backwards for a time, i may make another leap forward. it takes me time to understand, i need a lot of patience. i am determined now to find myself and become a better person. i am determined to look forward to tomorrow.

now that i have posted this truth, my truth, i can now come back and read it when i feel low again. a reminder of today for my tomorrows.

thank you for reading this. thank you for being there. thank you x

i have another special note to add here. i need to say a huge thank you to my cpn too. i called and left a message asking her to call me today, i waited, i wondered, i had a panic attack waiting lol, i was scared and anxious but completely determined to say everything i havent said before and should have and it was amazing. i talked and she really listened to me. i was heard loud and clear. it felt like a huge weight had been lifted again from my shoulders. i had a ureka moment lol and now i want more i just hope i deserve it. woooohoooo. thank you.

Im scared, my P will hopefully calling me on Tuesday. i just hope that it will be ok and that i am on the right track here. i hope i havent got so caught up in my excitement that ive got it all wrong. i dont think i have, but self doubt is creeping in. ive been wrong before, what is so different now ? what if she doesnt understand?, what if she doesnt think im really aware of what i say i am and then decides im not ready to see her still? what if she then leaves me with this on my mind? i know i have abandonment issues too which are very hard to try and keep at bay when i feel rejected and stupid. am i just going mad? ohhhhhhh the what if's? does anyone else feel like this? please help, your advice is greatly appreciated. thanks.

Hi dolphinac, I am sorry I don't have any advice but yes I definitely do have millions of doubts and worries and I obsess endlessly over every word that my P says. Thinking of you.

I do know how you feel. I have been there with my P. He actually terminated therapy with me because he did not think I was working on my issues or willing to talk about them. I called him when I got the letter and every week after that until he agreed to see me in six months to see if I was ready to work. When the six months came I called him and told him to make me the appointment and he did. I went in and talked to him a little but nowhere as much as I should have and he said I was still not ready. I was so sad because my life revolved around this man and I couldnt deal with another no or not seeing him. Luckily he also didnt charge me for the appointment, although that at that time I would have given him every penny I had just to have him agree to see me. He did let me come back again three months later and I still got the same response. I was terrified when I went in there that he was going to say no again but at the at the same time I was going to pursue even the smallest possibility just to be able to see him. It ended up being three years later that he let me come back. The reason for it was because after the second check in visit I moved to Oklahoma which was four hours away so I didnt contact him anymore but I thought about him daily and missed him so much. After three years I was living in Texarkana(only three hours away)and things got so bad that I was going to kill myself and out of complete desperation I called him emergency service number and he actually called me back. At that time he was so caring and understanding and let me come back. I started making the three hour drive every month just to see him. I have been seeing him since and now only live an hour away. We are back at the point that if I dont just get over the fear and say what needs to be said he will most likely have to stop seeing me again. And I now know that this is not because he doesnt want to see me or help me but because it does me no good to pay him to just sit and stare at him. I have my appointment Wednesday and am planning on telling him everything I have been holding back on and have it all written down just in case I cant get the words out of my mouth.

I dont know how things will go for you but I just want you to know that I have been there and I know how it feels. Just dont give up. If she says no right now and wants you to wait six months then during those six months work on yourself and even ask if you can email or call from time to time. I was scared to ask that but when I did he said I could continue to email so that he would know what was going on and how I was doing and he said I could continue to call in emergencies until I found a new doctor (and just because of that I refused to get a new doctor just so I could keep calling him ).

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

i feel a mixture of feelings right now. i am still waiting on my P calling to talk to me about this. i now know why i didn't and couldn't talk before. i just hadn't reached the point of clarity where i understood. now i feel like i have so much to say and im scared that i have lost my chance and will remain in limbo. if i have got bipolar 2 then surely this will have hindered my progression too especially as i have tried a number of antidepressants and they haven't worked. they would have been the wrong medication. i know i haven't been able to completely give enough information as to my symptoms so i know that for a large part i am mostly to blame if i have been misdiagnosed but i am trying to get to a point now where i can correct this and then see if my belief is justified. i just want to talk it all out, know if i am on the right train of thought, and try to find resolution to my problems.

the longer i wait on this call, the more stressed i am getting, more anxious, more doubts creep in. its torture waiting but i don't want to chase up the call as i am very aware of my "need" to speak to my P but also of her thoughts on my neediness too towards her. on one hand i think sod it i should just call but on the other i know that i don't want to be this needy. i am so scared too that when i do get the call that i will not have time to say what i want to say or say enough to get her to understand whats in my head.

Did you get a call from your P?
How did it go?

my P called me but wouldn't talk to me on the phone. she said she doesn't do phone consultations. so now i have to wait till January 15th. she made me an appointment. i feel annoyed that i coudnt tell her anything at all but i understand too that she would rather see me face to face. the problem is its ages away.

waiting, why is it so hard to wait?. why is it that you feel completely on edge until you see and talk to someone? even though it is perfectly acceptable to understand that yes it would be better face to face to talk and say what you need to say, why is it still so hard and painful to wait? weeks to wait on saying whats eating away at you, weeks to say what you feel is so important and are excited about, weeks to put your life on hold. my life's on hold, my words are on hold, i just hope that when i do see my P that i am still in the right frame of mind to tell her what i need to tell her.

Hi Dolphinac,

Sounds like you came to some important realizations about yourself that might affect whether therapy will be available to you or not, so I can understanding why this is pressing on you so hard.

Sometimes when I feel like this I write out in my journal what it is that I want to say. It's sort of hard to value my own realizations for what they mean to ME, rather than for the interaction with my T, but it seems important. What you have learned about yourself in this journey seems really important for your own understanding of yourself, so maybe that is something to focus on in the meantime.

Writing it out fully might help you to hold on to it in tangible form until you see her, too.

Take care,
J

hi,

the only person who i have to talk to is my P as she is the one who can either agree or disagree or agree with some of it. my GP cannot prescribe me anything until my p says what to prescribe me, my cpn cannot go with any diagnosis other than my P's. so im kind of stuck waiting on the outcome of our meeting in Jan. i can talk to my cpn if i call and feel like a nuisance but she can not give me any justification to my thoughts in a diagnosis sense or of a therapeutic sense of what i feel i have realizes as i have not spoken to her like i have spoke to my P so she doesn't know what we have talked about before in any detail. whats the point anyway as i need to speak to my P about this. i have written stuff down and do keep a regular journal which helps but it gets mixed up as do my thoughts. its hard to stay focused now when my moment has passed. theres so much to think about too with xmas, new year, family and all that stuff. i have talked to my husband about it but i dont want to keep going over and over it with him. its too exhausting and too hard.

im stuck in limbo, if i call anyone in the mental health team i feel like i am just adding more reasons for them to think i am pathetic and needy. if i talk to my husband too much about it i feel like its unfair on him. guess ill just have to try and be patient and hope that i will be able to say what i want when the time comes. i guess its not important enough for my P to see me sooner. im not important enough. thats the way i feel now. unimportant and invisible.

thank you Hummingbird that means a lot to me. this site is great and is a great outlet for me to express how i feel. i value all the replies i have got, i now find myself checking more often to see if a reply has been posted for me. i have wanted to reply too but feel too scared yet to offer any advice until i feel more secure within myself right now.

thank you so much everyone. xxx big hugs!

ok, i am officially freaking out!!!!! i have found a lump today in my breast..................again!!!!!!!!

i have had 3 lumps in the past 3 years, 2 were benign and one i had to have removed by having an operation. a lumpectomy. going through that totally messed with my head as im sure you can appreciate. now i have another one. i dont know what to do, i feel like i am in a time warp. this is torture, i just think ffs!! again!!! i dont want to go to the breast clinic again and wait on tests and results, its pure torture. what if its all in my head? what if its just fatty tissue again? im panicking! i could just scream right now! will my pain ever end? will this keep happening? how can i keep telling myself to try and be positive when i keep getting kicked back down?

sorry about the rant guys, i just had to tell someone.

Hugs D, that is a really scary thing, I have faced it too many times too. I am thinking of you and hope you hear good news soon.

I have just gone through a time of waiting to get to see my new P and it was so hard. Coming here to share was so comforting and reading other people's stories helped so much, not only as a distraction but as a huge learning tool.

I learnt so much valuable information about therapy and how to do the work inbetween sessions.

So please come here and talk as often as you need to, we are always here.

Hi HB, I loved your post, I was just wondering if you would be able to share what things helped you eg how did you ease your pain and suffering and how did you comfort yourself? What things worked for you? I am completely unable at this present time to self-soothe and desperately need some ideas. Maybe I might start a thread and we can gather together some great ideas.

thank you for your replies, it means a lot to me. i would love to know what coping strategies others use that works for them as i too like halo have not got many at all. it is so difficult to try and think positive when everything seems so negative. i know though that getting things out of my system helps release some of my building pressure as does trying to think about Xmas and family. what worries me is that if i get to a certain point where the pressure is exploding inside me thats when all that stuff goes out the window. this caused me serious attempts in the past. thats what frightens me most, me and what i am capable of doing to myself. i am not saying i am at that point at all right now, i just know that i am capable of it again. i want to talk to my cpn about how i feel but i don't like calling and being a nuisance all the time. shes heard it all before about my lumps and everything, i know what she would say. that i have to wait and see, get it checked, its more than likely benign etc etc. i know all that already myself, but since i have been there before already 3 times it is so much harder to try and convince myself that this time again it will be nothing to worry about. its the unknown and the waiting thats hard. so on top of that, having to wait till Jan 15th to speak to my p, dealing with all my thoughts on if i have bipolar 2 or not and obsessing over what my p will think about it all, my mind is in overload. one thing i do know right now though that the lump has triggered me to go down again and right now i just feel more numb than ever.

Hi D,

I'm sorry you are going through so much right now.

Here are some of my self-soothing strategies when I am in distress:

1) Tell someone how I'm feeling or write it down

2) Deep, slow breathing (two counts in, four counts out)

3) Give myself time off and wrap myself up in a blanket or put my comfiest clothes on (often I do this before I write stuff down)

4) If I really have to DO stuff, I break down any immediate tasks into really, really tiny small bits and write a list of the bits that I can work on one by one. This means I don't have to keep stuff in my head when I'm having trouble focusing or remembering what the hell I'm trying to do. I keep the list short though (just the immediate stuff) - the aim is NOT to get overwhelmed. And I cross stuff off as I do it so I know I'm getting somewhere. Sometimes I put things like "have a cup of tea" and "clean my teeth" on the list, to bolster my sense of achievement. Or I put stuff on that I've already done (eg "eat breakfast") & cross it off straightaway so I have a head start.

5) Exercise (swimming, dancing, yoga, walking) It can be hard to convince myself to do this when I feel really yuck, but sometimes if I can't handle one of them I might be able to handle another.

6) I give myself beat-up free time. 10 minutes, half an hour, an hour, whatever, where I decide NOT to run the negative self-loathing reprimanding voices. I tell myself I can always come back to that later if I need to, but for now I'm having a rest. It's amazing how refreshing this is. And all the other strategies work better if done in conjunction with this one. (Eg "I'm just going for a lazy, comfy 10 minute walk now and I'm having a rest from criticizing myself for that time. I'm just gonna look at the leaves instead.")

7) Talk to myself in the voice of someone who is nice to me.

I hope something here is of help! Happy to shift this post elsewhere if you guys do want to start a self-soothing thread (I just didn't want to jump Halo's good idea!).

thank you for your post jones, i especially like this one Talk to myself in the voice of someone who is nice to me. i have decided to call my cpn and have a talk with her, i though what the hell, after all i am supposed to call someone when i feel really low anyway right? so will do that too.

i think halo should also start up a new post with her idea as its a great topic. and one i think we all could do with helping each other with.

big hugs everyone xxxxxxxxxxx

well Christmas is over, the new year is over, and now its 2010. what next? what is in store for me this year? another year of misery or a year to move forward? time will tell.

i have seen my gp now about my lumps in my breast and she has referred me to the breast clinic. so i have to call on monday to make an appointment to go get it checked. again. been there done that, wore the t-shirt, made the video! i try not to think about it too much but i cant help but think about it. there are times when i tell myself it will be ok and im fine about it, but there are other times when i just cant help but fear the worst again. all i can do though is wait on my appointment and wait and see............again!

i see my p soon too next week. its important that i try and tell her everything i have came to realise and how i feel about the possibility of me having bipolar 2. i just hope that i can get across to her what i feel and think about everything. its a really important session because i have to tell her things clearly and not forget things.

Good luck, (((((dolphinac))))). Even though you are afraid, you are taking care of yourself and that's the right thing to do. My mom went through this too so I can imagine how scary this must be for you. I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best possible outcome. Please continue to keep us updated.

Hugs,
SG

i have an appointment for a mammogram on Thursday this week. so just thought id update my post about it. i feel moments of panic and uncertainty about it. im just about keeping myself together. i have quite a busy week this week though so at least i have other things to think about.

my mood though is very low. im so tired of having so much to deal with. i keep asking myself why i keep sticking around for more torture. then i think maybe i deserve it somehow. i just want the next few days to be over and i can at least stop worrying about my lump, stop worrying about what to say to my p and i can maybe get some insight into where my future lies.

sorry to rant a bit, but i sort of needed to let out a few things.

thank you

quote:

Originally posted by dolphinac:
i have an appointment for a mammogram on Thursday this week. so just thought id update my post about it. i feel moments of panic and uncertainty about it. im just about keeping myself together. i have quite a busy week this week though so at least i have other things to think about.

my mood though is very low. im so tired of having so much to deal with. i keep asking myself why i keep sticking around for more torture. then i think maybe i deserve it somehow. i just want the next few days to be over and i can at least stop worrying about my lump, stop worrying about what to say to my p and i can maybe get some insight into where my future lies.

sorry to rant a bit, but i sort of needed to let out a few things.

thank you

Hi Dolphinac,

I don't think I've introduced myself before but I just want to wish you the best of luck and I hope everything goes well.

Mrs. P

well after a mammogram, examination, ultrasound, i got the all clear from the breast clinic. i am so relieved! i think i was in shock for a while afterwards because i was so stressed out about it and worked myself up into a right state before my appointment but all i can say now is thank god today is over.
now all i need to get through is tomorrow's meeting with my p. im extremely nervous and worried about how it will go because to me its so important that i remember everything i want to say and don't lose my train of thought when i try and explain how i feel. i dont want to be disappointed or more confused and frustrated. all i want is for my p to acknowledge that yes it is important what i have discovered and that she can help me now. i dont want to wait 6 months to see her again. i want her to see me now but not because i want her too, but because she genuinely thinks i am ready.

its taken me a long time to be able to come back and post this. i went to my meeting with my p yesterday. i tried my best to tell her everything. i opened myself up completely and tried to explain how i feel. told her what i have done on my recent journey of self discovery. i put my trust and faith in her judgment to be able to see i was sincere. if she did or not i don't know. we talked and for the most part it was good until the end. she stopped me and said ok our time is up, then said she would not see me again for 6 months. she told me that until she thinks i have stayed on medication for depression, no alcohol and have shown that i would seek help if i felt suicidal that only then would she see me.

i didn't get a chance to respond to this as i was then more or less ushered out the door. i agree that i should be on medication and shouldn't drink a lot. i don't know if my alcohol intake would be considered too much by most people. i honestly have a drink at home with my husband every 2-3 weeks. usually on a weekend we will have 5-6 bottles of beers each. i have used alcohol as an extra ingredient deliberately in the past. and i have not sought emergency help every time. this i freely admit. yet since march last year i have sought help if i needed it. but my p doesn't agree. she thinks i have done this once in the past and doesn't count any recent times. i have not got to the point since march last year where i have got that low that i have tried to hurt myself. i dont think she believes me and now because of my past she won't risk treating me.

so where does this leave me? what do i do? how do i begin to try and get my head around this. i will take the medication, cut out alcohol, but 6 months is too long to put my problems on hold when all i want to do is get help to make sense of them. im stuck in limbo unable to move forward and i do not want to go any further backwards.

Hi Dolphinac, sending you big hugs. I can understand you must be feeling really stuck. I am afraid I really can't figure out how you are expected to move forward if you are unable to access the help of your p? do you get regular therapy from anyone else? When it comes to therapy I think that six months is too long especially when you have opened up and told her you need help?

thanks halo, big hugs to you too x

i see my cpn every couple of weeks, at least i can talk to her a bit. it just isnt the same as seeing a p. she is very nice and has helped me a lot. i just havent found that she has really got me though like my p did. maybe it is my fault though that i havent connected with her in that way because i have held back. maybe i should be thankful that i do have someone which is more than some people have and stop feeling sorry for myself. either way i need to sort out my head because its all over the place at the moment. xx

What is a cpn?

Also, I haven't got a connection yet with my new P and I am feeling really lost since I don't want to contact my old P between visits. I am hoping that the connection will start soon so that I can increase the time between visits with my old P and not have to see him as often and be able to let go. Other than that I am just really stuck and desperately want to have sex with him.

hi halo,

i forget that many people here are from all over the world. im in Scotland and am so used to calling her that. CPN stands for community psychiatric nurse. ive known her for a long time as i was referred to the community mental health team in November 2008. ive seen her sporadically since then and she reports back to my p. my p makes all the decisions on my treatment even though she doesn't see me which kind of annoys me sometimes but Ive got used to it now. even my GP (general practitioner) reports to my p on my mental health lol.

im sorry you haven't connected yet with your new p. it is so hard to let go isn't it? we feel safer when we are used to a familiar person. starting all over again just seems so impossible. maybe once you build a connection your torment about your old p will reduce and you will start to feel able to let go.

big hugs! xx