Confused-dream

pippiMember

So I had this dream about my psychiatrist last night and now I cant stop thinking about it or him. It was an amazing dream yet weird and confusing.

It started off with him coming into a room in the house where I was. For some reason me and my kids were spending the night at his house. He had obviously just gotten out of the shower cause all he had on was towel that was wrapped around the lower part of his body. When he walked in an saw me there we talked for a couple minutes and then he just pulled me over close to him and started hugging me. He hugged me for a long time and I was loving every minute of it. I started pushing my leg closer to him in "that" area cause you know me Im the bad patient that has to push the boundaries and see what I can get away with. At first he made some little comment about it and asking what I was doing. I just kind of gave a playful grin and asked what he was talking about. We kept hugging so I figured it did not bother him that much so I kept doing it and kind moved the towel to the side so I could feel it better and when I did that it seemed like he kind of just ignored that I was doing that and just kept hugging me. I told him how much I loved him. But then one of the kids started calling and I started to get her but my psychiatrist said he would go and he went and took care of her. When I heard him coming back down the hall I walked out of the room to meet him and he took the towel completely off and I went over to him and wrapped my arms around him again and hugged him again for a few minutes. But then I started to kneel down and was going to give him a blow job but he pulled me back up and said that wasnt what he wanted. I was really surprised and somewhat disappointed yet somewhat relieved and didnt really know how to respond. He pulled me close and whispered in my ear to follow him to the kitchen and I did. When we got in there he had some ingredients out and showed me something that he wanted to make and it was my favorite dessert and he told me that he wanted to make that for me not have me give him a blow job. He said I would have much more fun just spending time with him in the kitchen cooking my favorite dessert than I would doing the other. Which just made me more confused being that he is a guy and I know what most guys want. After we put the dessert in the over we into the living room and just layed on the couch, he was on one end and I was on the other and our feet meeting in the middle. This whole time he had nothing on and all I could think about was getting in bed with him but at the same time kept thinking about my husband and what it would do to him and how could I explain it to my husband if I did sleep with my psychiatrist. It was like I wanted this so bad but was too worried that if I did this my husband would leave me and if I didnt have a good reason for it then it would ruin my marriage which I did not want to happen. In my head I was trying to come up with every possible reason why I could be with both and just couldnt come up with anything, but also kept trying to figure out how I was going to tell my psychiatrist no if he did want to have sex. I got up and went and laid on the bed and he came and laid next to me and just started holding me again which was amazing! But then for some reason I got up and got on facebook and started IMing my friend telling her what was going on and she was trying to convince me not to do it and that someone needed to turn my psychiatrist in cause he was wrong. I even wrote to my old teacher that Im still in contact with for advice.
Then I went and sat outside confused about what I wanted and what I should do and my psychiatrist came out dressed this time talking to me and put his arm around me again. I loved having his arm around me but the whole time I kept getting this feeling that he really wanted to be with me and wanted to have sex with me, even though if he did he could have just let me give him the blow job when I tried, and all that just made me more confused. My friend ended up calling my husband and did not tell him what was going on but that he needed to show up at my psychiatrists house and talk to me which he did. And as soon as he got there I ran to him and threw my arms around him and gave him a kiss. But I kept looking back at my psychiatrist. My psychiatrist kept talking to me and my husband both and tried to get me to stay but I ended up walking out with my husband and even left the kids there.

When I woke up I had this really confused feeling and a feeling of I just wanted to go back into the dream and go back to laying in my psychiatrists arms while he had no clothes on and be that close to him, but confused on why I would even talk to someone else while this was going on cause this is what I have wanted from him for the last 10 years, but at the same time the closeness I felt to him while we were cooking and even just laying on the couch with our feet touching was just amazing...still dont know why he wouldnt have clothes on that whole time or why he took his towel off in the dream or why he would over look the boundary I was breaking when I moved the towel over so get a closer look/feel and why he would tell me no blow job. But this has left me completely confused on how I feel right now and what I want from him and why I had a dream like that...and I can not stop thinking about him and wanting that closeness to him right now even though no real sex was involved.

I dont know Im just so confused and feel so weird right now.

4/1/105:40 AM

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jonesMember

Hi Pippi,

Well, I don't know all the feelings of your dream as you do, but it seems really beautiful to me. It seems like your subconscious exploring that space of intimacy without sex, experiencing desire and being able to feel your desire (either for sex or desire to please) without being taken advantage of or acting on it yourself. Maybe his being naked is a symbol of his not covering anything up - no barriers, but still he kept the boundaries. And SO DID YOU!! Because you were sure of your commitment to your husband - and just as sure that you wanted the closeness and emotional intimacy too. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think maybe your dream is telling you you can have both!

Jones

4/1/106:16 AM

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strummergirlMember

Wow, Pippi, I have to agree with Jones...your dream is beautiful and powerful in many ways. There are two points that struck me. One is how you kept trying to make it about sex, but he kept trying to show you true intimacy. The other is the concern your P had for you and your husband. It seemed almost fatherly to me.

There is something I've wanted to share for a long time and maybe now is the time to share it. This is that bidden/unbidden thing I've mentioned in other threads. And your dream really reminds me of it. So I hope you don't think I'm hijacking your thread, because the main points seem almost identical. OK, taking a deep breath...here it goes.

I only had one dream about my former T. There was nothing sexual about it, and it happened after the therapy terminated. But while I was in therapy he was on my mind a lot (and still is). Anyway, one reason I went to therapy is because my ex-BF was on my mind all the time. To the point of feeling like he was always with me, in a corner of whatever room I was in, watching me, kind of like a guardian angel. I'm not talking about a hallucination...it is hard to describe...just felt like his presence was always there. It's probably a form of projection on my part. And I would act differently when I felt him watching me...I would act as if he really were there...in general I acted more like the person I wanted to be. And so in my journaling I had guessed that maybe this was my mind's way of trying to integrate those parts of myself that I mistakenly associated with him. I don't know if that makes any sense but I can't describe it much better than that.

Anyway, after I started seeing my former T, he started replacing my ex-BF in this projection thing I do. And eventually it began to include the bedroom, when my husband and I were being intimate. Now here's the weird part (okay, it's already weird...so here's the weirder part). My former T seemed to be sitting along the wall with a notepad, watching us in kind of a detached way. And it started to kind of bug me that he wasn't doing more, you know? I thought he must be "interested" in more than that, if you know what I mean. So I started trying to pull him into the action...but whenever I did that, it felt wrong somehow. So I would stop...but then he'd just go back to his seat. He wouldn't leave. And I couldn't figure out why he was there, if he wasn't interested in having sex with me.

Finally this one time, I tried really, really hard to get him involved. I went as far as to imagine that my husband was my T during the most intimate moment of all. And here's what happened in my mind: I looked at my T, he looked at me, and we both realized this was absolutely wrong. So I "let him go"...but he still wouldn't leave. This time, he sat down along the edge of the bed and held my hand. And then I finally realized what he was doing there and why he wouldn't leave. He was protecting me, making sure I was okay, letting me know he approved of my husband, encouraging us, watching over us. Like a guardian angel...or a father.

I know all of this sounds totally weird but in a way it made so much sense, too. It's the kind of thing that is symbolized by a father giving his daughter away at her wedding, I think. And it's exactly what my dad didn't do for me. He didn't protect me when my ex-BF wanted more than I was ready to give at that age and so I was hurt. It was as if my unconscious was using my T to fill a need that I didn't get. I didn't understand that at first, I thought if a man is interested in me then it must be for sex. That's a belief that got ingrained very early in my life, so that might be why I tried to twist my T's presence into something sexual. But then that last time when I stopped and he didn't go away, it all seemed to fall into place.

I was so jazzed when I realized this, after we were done I so badly wanted to call my T and tell him. The sense of gentle caring and acceptance I was feeling from this was overwhelming and felt so...right. But of course I couldn't do that. It is one of the things I regret not being able to tell him. He's really into symbolism so I think he would have appreciated this. But who knows, maybe he would have laughed at it or wouldn't really have understood.

Anyway I wonder if your dream about your T isn't symbolizing something similar for you. I hope you don't mind my sharing it and I hope it helps. If not...then just toss it out.

Okay, here I go, pushing the Post Now button...eek!

4/1/107:02 AM

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jonesMember

Wow SG... you might not believe this, but I relate very closely to what you write above. I always have someone, a man, in that kind of position in my head. For me it's not visual so much as an internal presence that I can converse with about what's going on. And yes, in intimacy too, and I've had the kind of exchange you describe above. So you and me, and that means probably many other people too! I would never have guessed that....

Thank you so much for sharing; you've given me lots to think about here.

4/1/107:13 AM

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pippiMember

Thanks for your replies!

Jones- you might be right about exploring the intimacy without sex which might be why its so confusing to me because I have never had that so I dont understand how that is possible. That is Im sure something my psychiatrist has been trying to show me for the last 10 years but I have continually tried to turn it sexual in every possible way because thats what I believe all men want from me and that if they dont get that they wont care about me.

SG- I like what you said about it too it makes a little more sense and I am so glad you posted your experience because I often feel that way. Any time I have sex with my husband I imagine my P is there which has been something I thought was really weird and that I was screwed up for it and more than once I have tried to imagine it was my psychiatrist that I was having sex with instead of my husband and every time I felt bad about it.
I have had this feeling all morning of wanting to tell my P all about this dream and the way it is making me scared but at the same time not knowing how I could ever do that because I have a hard enough time telling him other stuff that I dont know if I could get it out. And also that he is suppose to call some time today so that I can talk to him about meds and wondering if I should just try to tell him and get his response to it because I dont see him for two weeks from today and dont know if I can get it out then. But we have never discussed dreams before so I dont know how he feels about dreams or symbolism and I dont know if I could get out anyways. But I also know that if he does call I am going to be thinking about it the whole time. It will be hard to talk to him. But I have this feeling that I need to tell him and just want to share it with him.

The funny thing about the part about giving the daughter away at the wedding is that this Sunday is my husbands and mine 5th year anniversary. He secretly set it up to have us renew our vows at my old church by the pastor that made the biggest difference in my life and still does. But because our anniversary falls on Easter Sunday we are going to wait until the following Sunday. My husband has talked about inviting my psychiatrist (because he has come to that church a few times in the past) to come to the renewal. It will be after the 11am service and when he told me about inviting my P and also possibly my old high school psychologist that I still talk to once a week, I got kind of nervous but at the same time got the feeling that it would be amazing and it would be almost like having them there would be having the two men that represent father figures to me and give me a father there that I love and trust and almost like they were giving me away to my husband just like a father would and saying they approve of my husband. Because I knew both of them way longer than I have known my husband. I thought I was just weird for thinking and feeling that way about it.

I hope I can find some way to tell my P about this dream and get his opinion on it. I really wish he would let me email him about it so that I didnt have to wait to weeks to give it to him written down but I dont know how to convince him of it because now he says dont email him cause he hardly ever checks it and when I tell him that I cant tell him in person or on phone and its too long to text he just says "yes you can do it." I think he has more faith in myself than I do.

I am really glad you finally shared this SG cause they do seem to have the same type of meaning. I still cant believe that he told me he didnt want me to give him a blow job when I was so close and my mouth was right there about to do it just like an inch away and the other thing I remember about it was that it was erect so it wasnt like he wasnt turned on by it or didnt really not want it but he still said no which just seems so weird to me because of the men I am used to dealing with. He made it all about me instead of all about him which feels so good and even when make it all about me it was not in a sexual way. But now I am even more curious about seeing him that way and I know when I do see him I am going to be looking in that area cause I wanna see it now

4/1/107:37 AM

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jonesMember

quote:
Jones- you might be right about exploring the intimacy without sex which might be why its so confusing to me because I have never had that so I dont understand how that is possible. That is Im sure something my psychiatrist has been trying to show me for the last 10 years but I have continually tried to turn it sexual in every possible way because thats what I believe all men want from me and that if they dont get that they wont care about me.

Hi Pippi - I reckon your subconscious is doing the work for you on this one, taking in this idea and getting you used to it at a really deep level, even though your conscious mind is still struggling with it! Dreams can be good like that.... But again, who could say for sure? If it feels like that's right, though, you might want to trust your subconscious.
J

4/1/108:59 AM

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strummergirlMember

Hi Jones...thanks for telling me you've experienced something similar, I am surprised but also glad to know I'm not the only one! Just to clarify something I said...the "visual" part, I don't actually "see" anyone...like you said, it's an "internal" presence, and sometimes I take the next step and imagine that it's external, but I know it's my imagination. It is so weird and difficult to put this into words because I've been doing it as long as I can remember (in general, I mean...not just with my ex-BF or former T). And you mentioned that it's a presence you can converse with...that's actually what I'm usually doing to some extent...this scenario with my T was just a variation on it, which resulted in a new awareness of something I needed. Again, thanks for telling me you can relate...this is not something I've told very many people about, and I'm not even totally comfortable talking about it here.

Hi Pippi...I know it would be really tough to tell your P about the specifics of the dream, but it really seems to symbolize so many things you've already discussed. How he refuses to take advantage of you even when you offer to let him. And he was supportive of your marriage in your dream, too. So like Jones said, it's like your subconscious is trying to convince your conscious! I would think, if anything, that your P would be glad to hear that.

And I don't think it's weird at all to think of your P and your old HS psychologist as your "father figures" giving you away and approving of your husband. It makes perfect sense and I really, really hope they can be there for you!! It would be a beautiful symbol of what they've meant to you...and also of what you've meant to them, because a father giving his daughter away is such a protective gesture, it's formalized like that because he treasures you...and you have not just one, but two!! You so deserve that, Pippi.

SG

4/2/1011:30 PM

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