So sorry TN, it sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I am glad T is fighting for you when you can't fight for yourself. You don't have to embrace his technique but maybe just try to not resist it.

FWIW I can relate to the gray that you feel from your losses. I too live in that land. I have been in it for about 2 years now.I keep telling my new T that this is not what I am usually like.

Do you think that you may be angry at all your losses lately?

Thank you for the responses.

River...I think I know on some level that my T is fighting for me. I just don't understand why?

Turtle... I think I am VERY angry about my losses. Three years ago I had two very important attachment figures in my life that brought me comfort and who I never thought I would lose in such tragic ways. They were very important men that played a huge role in my life. I have lost both of them now. One harshly abandoned me and banned me from ever speaking to him and the other one died so suddenly and unexpectedly. He was in my life for 30 years. I don't remember how to live without him as part of my world.

Draggers... thank you for understanding. I am starting to think that I don't deserve anyone in my lfie since I keep having them taken away. It's beginning to feel that I need to learn to live without being attached to anyone. T says I'm despondent. He's probably right. I keep trying to connect to people but it all feels so superficial and pointless.

I had an accident today and I ended up having a full blown meltdown. I ended up placing a call to T (even though I had not planned to contact him between sessions since I felt there was no point to it and it takes too much effort). He told me that I really need the attachment to him as right now I'm floating out there all alone with no anchor and it's contributing to my being unable to stay present recently. Yet, attaching or connecting to someone seems like just asking for more hurt and pain.

And so...we go around and around in circles.

TN

TN,

Your post and words and feelings and experiences are so much like mine - both my past experiences and what I am feeling right now.

I am literally floating in the wind at the moment not wanting anyone to catch me.

Your T is being super as usual. And i will tell you what you always tell me. Keep going back, keep turning up, keep trusting him and the process.

My termination anniversary is this month - you have had yours recently haven't you or very close to it - is that weighing on your mind as well.

I wish you peace and lots of caring hugs.
Somedays

Hi RT... thanks for saying that. For making it uncomplicated and simple... yet accepting that is so scary.

Hope you are okay
TN

We crossposted SD. I'm rushing out now but thanks for your response. My term anniversary is in 2 weeks. august is a rough month in many ways for me.

Today's accident didn't help me. I'm a mess.

Thank you for responding. I'm sorry you are struggling with the same things I am.

Hugs to you
TN

(((TN))) Your T is there and he wants to be. I know how scary it is to connect when you're in a whirlpool of loss and grief. We're here too. I'm so sorry about your accident. Please be gentle with yourself, and as much as you are able, let care in. You deserve it and are worth it.

(((TN)))

I'm very sorry to hear about your accident and hope you are okay. I know it must just intensify the pain and frustration you are feeling right now.

I'm glad your T is so persistent in trying to reach you during this very difficult time. I can imagine it may feel annoying if he is pushing you when you are overwhelmed with grief, but I know there are Ts and Ps out there that would just say, I'm here if you need me and then possibly let you drift away, but he's not going to do that.

Even if you are going in circles with him, you are still engaged.

be patient with yourself,
Summer

Anon and Summer... thank you for the supportive words. They mean a lot to me.

TN

((((TN)))))

Hey TN, just wanted to say I am so sorry for how hard EVERYTHING feels right now. I can so relate to all that you are feeling as I consider the losses in my own life.

FWIW, I think your feeling the way you do is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. You have just suffered the loss of someone you loved very much and who was very supportive for you. Being in that "gray space" of grief is normal. Feeling depressed and dejected and withdrawn is totally understandable. Feeling afraid, even terrified and resistant at risking attachment again, makes complete sense.

When you add that to the other layers of grief you already hold, that you have shared about here and previously, it most definitely can start feeling like too much to handle. Your Feeling despair and a sense of hopelessness is certainly all a part of the whole complex PTSD stuff. It is that very sense of helplessness that makes the trauma spaces so potent, b/c in that place and time you felt powerless and ineffective at being able to alter all that was happening to you.

Maybe that is a huge part of all this here--it feels so incredibly unfair how little control we actually seem to have in the "stuff" life throws our way. That reality is so hard to hold. Losing someone to death, or else rejection or abandonment, sure has a way of bringing that point home: our lack of control in preventing inevitable or perpetrated losses. Walking through this space is hellish and painful that is for sure, and sometimes it can feel our entire existence is about grieving the losses.

But in the midst of all the powerlessness you might feel, I want to reiterate what others have said here: You are so courageous. You are owning your grief and anguish of heart and struggle. You are facing the voices inside, even if they are so incredibly disquieting and tormenting.

Please be kind and compassionate with yourself. Give yourself time to process all you are working through. Keep on practicing honesty with T to tell him what you are thinking and feeling, including the anger. Tell him how much it meant to you that he wanted to do the memorial, and you'd really like to find a definitive time to do so.

Most of all, listen to your heart and what you think you need right now--sometimes, going easier with the therapeutic process is very wise. I don't mean avoidance, but shifting the focus--perhaps just spending time talking about C, sharing photos, or whatever you think would be useful, could help.

We are thinking about you, Amber

Hey TN, Yeah my anniv is 3 weeks - I thought I hadn't been thinking about it much - but subconsiously I have and it bubbles up when I least expect it.

That alone is enough to set you and I off on a bad journey - let alone the other stuff happening.

I had my worst shutdown session ever today and my T tried everything. In the end she gave up and just sat there silently for a long time as she didn't know what to do. I imagine that your T is having to work really hard at the moment as well.

It is tough for them - but hey, we are the ones living the trauma and trying to survive.

Thinking of you
SOmedays

Thank you Amber and SD for your replies. SD, we will get through these anniversaries. We are both with wonderful T's now.

Amber, I think you are correct in that I need to go a bit slower right now with therapy because there just has been too much loss and it's very difficult to grieve your childhood while at the same time grieving the loss of someone you have loved for 30 years. Maybe that's why I got so triggered by T and then just shut down.

TN

Hi TN, sorry I've been a bit quiet recently but I have been reading in amongst sorting some life stuff that came from the blue. I just wanted to reiterate what others have said about how what you feel is to be expected with everything that has happened, but that you need to go very gently with yourself whilst you deal and come to terms with everything. Bereavement is never simple and I know that just when you think you are making some headway, something small comes back to flip you over again and stir up all that hurt and loss. So maybe you do need to allow yourself a bit of space and time to go slower in T for a while and not worry about doing so either.

Take care,

starfishy

Hey TN

Not sure about you, but at the moment I am very edgy and very trigger prone and pretty sure it is because of the termination anniversary. Things are coming up everywhere from every direction. I had no idea i was so delicate about it.

I also have a lot of traumatic things happening in my life right now - as you do with C's passing and the grief - all of the things are having a negative impact and making things worse. I imagine you are in the same boat.

THinking of you.
Somedays