Confusion about quality of T

justorangeMember

Hey yall! My question is kinda difficult to put into words..
I started seeing my current T in feb. After 7 years of depression, eating disorders, cutting, anxiety I wanted to get help (my parents have refused to help).(Oh, and i'm almost 20 now)
First T in january immediately referred after 1st session to a psychiatrist for my depression. I was terrified and was scared to death (didnt go. Financial/fear reasons)

T number 2 sat on a recliner,hummed "Mmmhmmmm" and acted like I was an idiot. Never went back to her.

Current T 3 only charges me $15 a session which is all I can afford. Herein lies my confusion. I started in February- 3 and a half months later, she's only seen me 5 times. I feel confused as to why she never has an open time. In a couple of sessions I became very emotional and angry about a subject and swore. She now won't stop bringing this up...telling me I have so much anger. She also asks me EVERY session if I trust her yet. What? I've only seen her 5 times! I have trust issues- yall do too, right?!

After this last session, I got upset about something and said something rude to her. I think I'm trying to push her away, convince myself that I'm too unworthy for even a T to care. She asked me if i was pushing her away, so I know she recognizes what I'm doing
But she told me she felt like she was dealing with a 8 year old- or 10 year old. Then she lectured me for interrupting her and smarting off (which horrified me cause I'd NEVER meant to do anything of the sort!)
I left feeling like a ridiculous, scolded child. She's only seen me 5 times, yet she seemed very angry towards me. It seems to confirm what I already know about ppl growing tired of me...when I first started to go she was very kind and caring but last week i saw this whole different side, like she already hated me and my stupid problems.
I feel like she hates me, but even more I hate myself and want to hurt myself every time I think about our session. I'm scared to go back...i feel so worthless and her reprimanding me like a bad puppy makes me feel like *
Now I've ended up hating her..and it's scary to feel that way!

Am I completely wrong? Is it really my fault or should I go somewhere else?

So sorry this is long yall

5/4/097:32 PM

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holzMember

Hi Jo

welcome to the forum!

I didn't think that I had trust issues but my P tells me I do so I must! LOL So Yeah, I guess a lot of us have trust issues. I think that after week 3 I felt a trust developing with my P so I could have honestly told her that I felt there was some trust between us if she had asked. After 5 weeks did you not have a sense of any trust with her?

I can't answer your question about whether you are wrong or at fault because I often askl myself those same questions and never really get anywhere in answering them for myself. Sould you see someone else? I think that you should look for that P/T that you feel comfortable with at your information session, I think that 1st impressions of a person are important and we need to listen to that.

I hope that someone else here has some insight for you that will give you some help with your questions.

Be well!

Holly

5/4/098:26 PM

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queengreyMember

Just Orange

Welcome to the forums! First, what kind of T are you working with? What is her applied theory (i.e. Object Relations, Schema Therapy, etc.). I'd go back, just to put some perspective on this thing. Maybe her approach has more to do with setting boundaries than reprimanding you -- ask her frankly about it. Also, it sounds like you've got a lot to deal with -- maybe you could work out a weekly schedule with this T -- OR, find another one in the clinic with more availability??? I trust the process of psychotherapy a great deal but you must "click" with your person or trust can never be forged. I found myself smirking over her question about whether or not you trust her -- it took me a year to trust my T completely! Just stay honest.

Your cross to bear sounds a lot like mine. When I was your age, I was beginning to unravel in a million different directions -- it took several years before I got myself on a more steady path (which included sobriety), and only just recently was I given a diagnosis that more aptly fits my life -- borderline personality disorder. Look it up -- if just to get some perspective on cutting. I'd also look up "splitting." My world was always full of people that "suddenly" turned good or bad -- it's been eye-opening to discover that it was me and me alone who cast the light or shadow over everyone.

I don't think that she hates you or considers your problems "stupid." She is in the wrong business if that's the case! Give her an opportunity to be clear and see what happens -- and let me know! I'm interested!

5/4/098:35 PM

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learningtoflyMember

Hi just orange,

I agree with QG about the trust. How on earth can she expect you to trust her after 5 sessions!? It took me a very long time to trust my T too. Probably 18 months for complete trust. And that's not her fault, it's just a process. There's a balance between letting someone in and protecting yourself, and a T needs to work WITH you to earn your trust. You can go in there and talk to her about things you wouldn't tell anyone else but that still doesn't mean you trust her implicitly. You pay for that trust. You don't pay for the ability to feel connected, that's a whole new level of trust and i think that happens with time. It can't be forced.

So yes, give her one last shot if you want to. Tell her you WANT to trust her but it's not easy for you, and that you want to be allowed to feel safe to express your emotions in therapy - that's what it's for. You should not be judged or labelled because of your thoughts/feelings in that room.

I don't think you did anything wrong. So you swore - big f*cking deal! My T swears more than I do! Does that mean she has anger issues!? Intense feelings, even anger, are normal - in therapy, or outside of it. She should let you express your anger as you need to (unless it turns violent obviously). You should be able to have (contained) outbursts at your T and she should be professional enough to take them in her stride and try to understand where it's coming from. That's her job.

And if your T is making you want to hurt yourself then maybe you should consider a new one. Because to stop self harm you need to try to get rid of the things/people that trigger those feelings. I was (am???) a cutter. I stopped in July last year, but have had one 'relapse' since then. But my T and I agree it can be a one-off, it doesn't mean I have failed her or myself. So you can get through it. I still want to cut sometimes. I don't know if that urge will ever totally disappear. But you can control it. And your T needs to support you.

Well that's enough from me, let us know what you decide.

LTF

5/5/097:13 AM

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