kashley - I'm not sure whether my experience will be relatable, but when I read your post, it immediately sent me into something I journaled to T about last week. He does this thing, when I am trying hard to get out of the way and let other parts come close enough to the surface to interact, to talk about what is happening, etc. T will always try to let me off the hook when I am struggling, say, "It's OK. It doesn't have to happen right now. It will happen in time. You don't have to push," and expressing a message of patience. Well, to this little part, it felt like he was giving up on her, you know? So, I wonder if that part inside that is desperately trying to share the scary, painful experiences she is stuck in, feels like T is giving up on helping her right now. I know that you know it isn't forever and the processing will resume later, but to someone who is actually trapped inside those experiences and has finally gotten the courage to try to reach out within them, it might seem like she is being asked to stop reaching out, you know? I am going to PM you what I wrote in my journal to T, since I don't want names and stuff on the OF and you can see if maybe it fits? It could be something else entirely, but that's what struck me when I read your post and why I felt like i had to reply.

I also agree with Ninn that it is your time and if it feels like you want/need to process that stuff, it feels safer to do it than to keep those experiences pinned right under the surface over the break, you should feel OK with making that decision and I'm sure your T will understand/respect it...

Oh Goodness Kashley, it must be catching this week.

At the end of this week's session T gave me a way out of facing difficult stuff, that I know on the surface was very sensible and done with the best intention...BUT it felt like my difficult memories weren't being validated, even though I am 100% certain that wasn't her intention and she wouldn't do that, because she doesn't work in that way. But that was how I felt, so it was a real head and heart dilemma and left me feeling very sad.

So you being told to talk about 'the weather' next time, probably felt much the same. Sensibly that might be a good option, but it doesn't get rid of the fact that there are important things that are pressing for you to talk about and face, that you are now left with until a mutually 'better' time. So I totally can see why it might feel dismissing

And Yaku,

quote:

T will always try to let me off the hook when I am struggling, say, "It's OK. It doesn't have to happen right now. It will happen in time. You don't have to push," and expressing a message of patience.

I know that one too...I think Ts do it to let us off the hook, but also I know my T does it because she is so very careful not to retraumatise me and also to let me keep control and choice, something I never had as a child. It can feel frustrating but I think the intention is sound and comes from a care and concern about you.

....dosn't make it easier when it happens though

starfishy

(((((KASHLEY))))

I wonder if it had to do with something about what she actually said, the comment about the weather. Like, maybe if she had looked you in the eyes and said, I know today was hard on you and maybe next session we should talk about lighter stuff, maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much. It's just kind of like, the weather is so freaking impersonal, something that you would talk about with a virtual stranger. Like, there's no sense of familiarity or connection when you talk about the weather. Maybe you just needed to feel that.

Just throwing that out there because I think I would have a similar reaction to a comment like that. And you are right, she probably meant it from a place of care and concern but it doesn't matter at a time like that, when you probably needed a little more comfort and soothing.

xoxo

Liese

(((((((((Kashley))))))))

No need to put it into words, I can totally get why her comment about the weather would have stung, especially right after such a heart-wrenching session. Here you are feeling closer and more trusting to your T, and then she makes this comment that can be taken as deliberately putting distance between the two of you. Ouch.

I also wish she hadn't framed what she said in terms of HER schedule. Her schedule is her responsibility, and you shouldn't have to curb what you talk about in therapy based on her schedule. What you need to talk about at any given time is what you need to talk about - it's your time that you are paying for, after all - and it most certainly isn't the weather.

quote:

Her comment was meant to be caring so that we wouldn't get into something so heavy and then not have a chance to talk about it for weeks.

If this is what she meant, then I think she said it - um - not so well. I wish she would have been more specific about how it was was for your benefit.

Sorry if I'm being too hard on your T! Overall she sounds pretty wonderful and like you are doing awesome work with her. I hope you can talk to her about this and work it out before the break.

Hug,
SG

Wow, thank you for the replies. Honestly, my T has just been so great and amazing for the past year and a half that I've seen her that I thought it just had to have been something I did to twist her words so that my mind 'didn't hear them right.' If that makes sense.

Ninn, good for you for sharing your reaction with your T. And good for you for being ready to call on your T when she dismisses you! That's very brave and not something I think I'd be able to do. I'm still too afraid of "messing things up." So kudos - and keep us updated on how things are going for you. You also make a good point about how it is my time. But, if I'm being completely honest, I may want to keep it lighter anyway if it's weeks until I see T..I guess just not being able to make that choice for myself is what threw me. I journal occasionally, although I'm not very diligent about it.

Thanks for your input, Ninn!

Yaku, yes....I think you've just made a very, very important point and one that is completely valid. I think that's definitely part of what's going on. I think it also didn't help because I was still quite dissociated when we had this conversation..still a toe in the past, and so her comment (and the way it was interpreted) went straight down to this vulnerable part. ((hugs))

Starfishy Gosh, I'm sorry you're dealing with the same thing! I feel the exact same way about my T's comment, that it was meant with the best intentions...it either didn't come out that way or I just interpreted it incorrectly. What's more is that it actually took me a day or two to realize that I was I was feeling this turmoil inside and that it was from that comment. I only started to notice the turmoil because as soon as I'd feel and remember the connection during the session, it would be interrupted by a sad feeling and this feeling that I was so stupid to be in therapy at all. Anyway, do you think you'll talk to T about the comment?

Liese, that's a good point, and if she'd phrased it like that, it probably would have made a huge difference. She said it somewhat nonchalantly, which made it seem like switching to another topic is simple, because what we'd talked about in the current session was just some coffee talk. I just feel badly for thinking like this and saying that, because I *know* that's not how she meant it at all. ((hugs))

SG, thank you for your input on this...my T really is wonderful, and like I've said before, she's been so amazing for so long that I kind of just assumed it was something strictly with me. Which ironically makes me a little more hesitant to even bring this up to her, because she's been so great for so long. I feel bad for reacting so much to this, because it may be one of the first mistakes she's made that has affected me. It seems like it would be harsh of me to call her on this one thing when she's been so consistent with me. That being said...yeah, it hurt. If things weren't so stressful right now with so many things, then it might not have affected me so much, but it's kind of crummy timing. Oh, but it would be too easy if this happened when I were feeling totally chipper!! Thanks for understanding, SG.

And thanks again to everyone. I still just feel so vulnerable because of the content we talked about and the stuff that came up. I don't know...I'm actually thinking now that there may be a bit of (bad) transference going on because the series of things that led to the flashback were all triggered by something T said. It was a totally innocuous statement, but it was something my father used to say all the time, so it caused a bad reaction. Anyway, I think I might be realizing now that part of where this fear is coming from about talking to her about this (besides not wanting to rock the boat, per se) is because of transference. I don't know, though. I feel a bit like I'm swimming through mud, so I might be getting some signals crossed.

Thanks guys - all of your input has been invaluable.

Kashley,
I feel your hurt and confusion. If my T made a comment like that, I would immediately start thinking she's rejecting me; she's going to abandon me. That's where my thoughts still go too often. I'd have to remind myself that she would never mean anything the way I might have took it. Still, my mind would go over and over it again, trying to convince me I'm a waste of her time. So...I guess what I'm offering is that while parts of our subconscious and defense mechanisms can often get the better of us, try to keep remembering how awesome your T is and I'm sure she didn't realize it could hurt. I really resonated with Taku's words: It's OK. It doesn't have to happen right now. It will happen in time. You don't have to push. My T says that to me all the time and I would get so frustrated thinking she wouldn't do the work with me I needed. I'm just starting to realize she's the professional and knows how to be attuned with me to take me along this journey and feeling safe so I can trust her and don't bolt!

Thank you for your response, Raven. I tend to have responses very similar to yours. And even though I *know* my T is fully trustworthy, I still haven't been able to develop full trust in her (which, in particular, means that I still am unable to trust that she won't someday hate me!). It's such a delicate balance, all of this.

I'm really having a hard time moving past the repercussions of her comment to focus on how good the rest of the session was. One comment doesn't negate all of that...I know that logically. But I constantly feel like I could say one wrong thing and ruin everything, so my mind keeps going to this place where I said something that was wrong/bad/horrible/disgusting and it made T want to move away. My logical appeals in this seem to not be working at all!

The thing that's just the most painful about it is this (inaccurate) perception that she feels like what was said and talked about was no big deal, that what happened wasn't a big deal.

The more I talk about this, the more I can see I'm proving to myself that I should talk to her about this. But I can see so many internal conflicts surrounding this...it's overwhelming. Parts of myself support telling her, and other parts don't, and all of them give me plenty of reasons why I should or shouldn't talk to her about this.

Sorry, Raven. I got off on a tangent there...but thank you again for writing. I'm so glad that you're starting to allow yourself to trust your T and to feel safe. Feeling safe is so important! ((hugs))

kashley,

quote:

Thank you for your response, Raven. I tend to have responses very similar to yours. And even though I *know* my T is fully trustworthy, I still haven't been able to develop full trust in her (which, in particular, means that I still am unable to trust that she won't someday hate me!).

I am totally with you on what you wrote. I wonder if I'll ever fully be able to trust, because I always think she's going to let me go. I'm starting to, which is progress, but am so far away from fully trusting. baby steps, I keep reminding myself. I hope you're able to talk things over with your T and start trusting a bit more too

Hugs, Raven. How great that you're starting to trust your T. I'm also at that point, too. It's funny when I think back to before I was in therapy, and I would have said, "Oh, yes, I'm a very trusting person!" While I actually had *no* idea what it felt like to actually trust someone. I guess I had/have developed a way of faking trust in people, in kind of giving enough to act like I trust them, but not developing true trust. And it's funny to think I did this completely unconsciously, but it makes sense now.

Anyway, another tangent. (((hugs)))

kashley - that is so like me, thanks for sharing. I can't even be certain what "really" trusting someone feels like, but I think my protective wall around my heart is starting to soften. I'm glad you are starting to feel it too!

((((Raven))))

I was thinking (and hoping) it would pass, but I've still been having a hard time since the session with lots of moments of confusion and other stuff coming up. Even having a hard time to make it through this right now, for some reason.

Sorry if I go quiet again for a bit.