Liese,

I think its great that you aren't so dependent on T any more. In my opinion, its a sign of growth when you are able to 1. identify that your needs are not being met in a relationship and 2. look elsewhere and 3. not completely abandon or run from the relationship without first evaluating it and giving it some thought (in other words, not acting impulsively).

I'm curious to know..what do you need from a therapist? How will you know when you have a good fit with a therapist? how will you be able to know if therapy is helping? (i'm asking you these questions because I am going through something similar to you and I struggle with answering these questions myself). I think sometimes we know when something isn't right, but we have a difficult time identifying why or what we need to be different.

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How will you know when you have a good fit with a therapist? how will you be able to know if therapy is helping?

I would like to know this too. I am currently seeing two therapists, and it does feel like cheating on the first.

LG, good questions. I know you are struggling with T1.

I'll tell you first what I like about my current therapist.

1. He believes in me. I've never ever gotten the sense from him that he thinks I'm too damaged or too far gone or too old to change. He believes in me. He never gives up on me. He has hope. He's optimistic.
I actually went to a therapist who I thought gave up on me and wound up leaving him. Maybe the truth is I gave up on me but I did get that sense from him too. (My sense is that this old therapist really gave up on himself.)


2. It doesn't matter how long it's going to take for me to change or for me to "get it". It takes however long it takes.

3. He also never ever brings anything up before I do. In that way, I feel a sense of respect. He respects my need to be in control. He respects the fact I need to "pretend" that I know myself better than he does. And, he has actually said that, not the pretend part.

4. He's reliable and predictable.

5. He's smart.


I know I've had my issues with his insensitivity. But there are so many pluses. Of course, I couldn't see the pluses until I've compared him with other therapists I've had and left.

My last therapist was smart but she would say things that I thought were kind of silly. And, in my mind I was rolling my eyes. I've never done that with this therapist. I guess it's also important to respect the therapist and have confidence in them.

6. Respect the therapist.

7. Have confidence in the therapist. (sometimes I waver in this department when he doesn't know what projective identification is, for example.)

The big thing that bothers me is that I can't get him to recognize my trauma. It sort of falls under the category of "he won't bring anything up until I do" and I haven't brought it up directly except once a long time ago. It hurts too much to bring it up now. I WAS feeling almost retraumatized when I was indirectly trying to find out if he remembered or not. I actually read in some CPTSD literature that this is an issue for trauma patients, that they actually feel like you're not validating their trauma and it retraumatizes them. But I can't bring it up until I feel really safe, I think. I also read that you can't process trauma until you have high integrative capacity. And, I think my integrative capacity is very low right now, which is why he might be trying to steer me away from the trauma.

T2, who I consulted with on Saturday told me that I have to get him to help me process my trauma so it doesn't have such a big hold on my life. How do I get T to do that, especially if he feels I'm not ready? I told him in October that I forced myself to go back there and he said, you're going too fast. Maybe when I am ready to have the conversation with him, he will be ready to have it with me.

How about you LG, what do you value in a T? I know you value T2 more than T1. Was thinking about T1 and your love for her. She really came through for you at a time when you needed her back in high school. Maybe you just feel some disappointment now because you are no longer idealizing her and you see who she really is? Or maybe she thinks you just need support right now and doesn't know that you want someone who is less supportive and more directive and/or inquisitive? could you tell her that you need her to push you more to make connections? Maybe she stills sees you in the role you were in back in high school, in more need of support than you do now, and she's afraid to push you too hard?

Also, I was wondering how you felt about both of your parents and if your feelings for your parents have anything to do with how you feel about your two T's?

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The big thing that bothers me is that I can't get him to recognize my trauma. It sort of falls under the category of "he won't bring anything up until I do" and I haven't brought it up directly except once a long time ago. It hurts too much to bring it up now. I WAS feeling almost retraumatized when I was indirectly trying to find out if he remembered or not. I actually read in some CPTSD literature that this is an issue for trauma patients, that they actually feel like you're not validating their trauma and it retraumatizes them. But I can't bring it up until I feel really safe, I think. I also read that you can't process trauma until you have high integrative capacity. And, I think my integrative capacity is very low right now, which is why he might be trying to steer me away from the trauma

WOW. I completely understand what you are saying here. I hate that T1 never asks me about my trauma and doesn't want to seem to talk about it. I think its because she wants me to bring it up in my own time, but I really need her to be the one to bring it up. I need to know that she gets how painful this is, how much it has impacted me, and how much it is a part of me. By not talking about it, its like she is not acknowledging that this has scarred me for life.

Liese, I wonder why your T told you that you were going too fast in October when you tried to talk about it. Do YOU feel that you were going too fast? Did you feel shot down when he said that to you? Did he say why he thought it was too soon/too fast? Has he given you any indication as to what pace he thinks is appropriate for you and why?

And regarding your comment about me no longer idealizng T1 and seeing who she really is...you are right on point with that. I had her on a pedestal in high school. She could do no wrong. And now, after all these years apart and now going back, she can no longer stand on that pedestal because she is not SuperT. She has flaws. She makes mistakes. She isn't giving me all that I need. I yearn for more therapy. I used to yearn for more dual relationship with her. But now, I want therapy and I am not sure that I am getting it with her.

anyway, back to you...it sounds like your onnly hangup with your current T is that he is pulling the reigns on the trauma stuff...when perhaps you are needing to push ahead with that. I think its time to have a discussion with him about that. Tell him you are ready but that you need some guidance.

UV,

What is ego strength? Since being involved in the wonderful world of therapy, I've come to realize that what I want from a therapist is to feel really cared about. Someone to really care about me. But then I have to ask myself, why do I need someone to really care about me? And the answer has to be that I feel so uncared for. Knowing that I feel so uncared for helps a little but doesn't stop the pain of not being cared for. The pain is unbelievable. Excruciating. At the end of the day, I see that I have been looking for other people to do things for me that I need to do for myself, to protect myself, to protect my family. I have been neglecting myself and my needs. I am the only one who can care for me. Yes, I get this. But why does it hurt so freaking much?