I continually struggle with this. I think contact between sessions has been the root of most of my ruptures with my T. We've discussed it several times. Early on if I called very upset he would book me an extra session to talk about things but we didn't talk on the phone.

Eventually I started Emailing after sessions and sometimes he would respond, sometimes he wouldn't and sometimes he would after a long time (days and days). We talked about it and he made it clear that he doesn't do any contact unless he was in the office (no weekends and evenings). Somethings he would respond to and others he would wait until the next session. We finally made an agreement around Christmas that he would respond to any email with at least I read it when he had time but he wouldn't guarantee when that would be.

In January it worked well and he ususally responded the next morning before his sessions started. Two weeks ago I disclosed something awful in a voice mail the day before my session, during the session, and then added to it in an Email the next day (Thursday). He didn't respond until Monday (which is really only one extra workday) and I was a mess. I felt completely rejected and thought I should quit. It led to an agonizing session last week.

He told me that he didn't want to give explicit rules and orders for how I should do out of session contact or any aspect of therapy because then therapy wouldn't be about me. I already know I can follow rules and deliver what is asked of me. Therapy should be about my needs, feelings, and actions. I get it but it still drives me crazy and I'm not sure we've repaired our relationship. This week I wrote a couple of emails but I haven't sent them to him. I'm thinking of sending them the day I go so I don't expect a response except in session.

I imagine this will be quite a conversation.

I pretty consistently contact my T outside of sessions. I can either call or email, but he's MUCH more reliable about returning phone calls; the last few times I've emailed him have been disasters and I've been forbidden by a close friend of mine to email my T anymore. She said she can't take the stress. I should say that we have emailed a lot and usually it worked well, just lately its been bad.

I usually contact him once between sessions but have been know to go up to three times between sessions, but must admit those are exceptions.

My T has no limit on when I can contact him. Nights, weekends and vacations are all ok, although he does take longer to get back when on vacation. When he's in town, it goes like this: I call his service and leave an emergency message and he calls back within the hour (usually, he has gone over that on an occasion).

I had a really hard time learning to do this. He spent a lot of time convincing me it was ok. He finally went so far as to tell me it was actually an important part of my therapy that I learn to call him. We've been working on attachment issues. I learned to move away from relationship when I'm needy and being able to call and have him respond is something I need to keep experiencing. It teaches me to ask for what I need and to get that need met, an experience sorely lacking in my life. He knows how difficult it is for me, so he tells me at the end of every phone call and every time I leave his office that it's ok to call.

I do try not to abuse the priviledge, the majority of my phone calls are under two minutes. Most of them are along the lines of "I'm scared and needed to know you're there." Especially in the beginning when I didn't trust the relationship, a lot of my phone calls were just to be reassured about the connection. I have occasionally gone longer on a phone call up to around 10 minutes.

I called him once at 9:30 at night during a bad crisis (I usually try to call him during office hours as somehow that doesn't feel as intrusive) and since we had never talked about it, I asked him how late it was ok to call and he told me that "it's never too late to call. Wake me up in the middle of the night and I may not be too useful, but if it's an emergency call at 2 AM if you need to." Have I mentioned that I have an amazing T?

When I commented that he didn't have a personal life, he assured me that he's very comfortable setting boundaries. If he can't talk at the time, he will set up a time when he can and he's comfortable talking to me about it if he has any problem with the frequency and length of my calls. Then he told me I haven't even come close.

I'm so very grateful for how good he is about this because I went through a lot of painful struggles around calling and that was with him being so encouraging about it.

On the flip side, hell will freeze over before I get a regular weekly appointment, just in case you're tempted to think he sounds like the perfect T.

AG

Like you all have expressed, I also struggle with not contacting my T between sessions. I try not to call her, but I break and do it anyway sometimes. I hate talking to her on the phone though, because I know she is just fitting me in between other clients and is probably annoyed by my neediness. Plus, I never get what I want from her on the phone- I miss her even more when I hang up with her and I feel stupid for freaking out the night before or whatever. Plus, she seems kinda distant on the phone and I just feel bad about the whole thing.

And she doesn't take calls after noon on Friday, over the weekend or on her vacation. She said it cuts into the time she needs to recharge, and while I understand that, it just seems to reiterate to me how unimportant I am to her. Plus, my life tends to be a little messy and I can't always fit my times of crisis and despair into 9-5 M-F. I think she would respond if it were an emergency, but other than that, not til she is back in town or until Monday morning. She doesn't do email either, which is probably a good thing, because I would bombard her daily; I know I would.

The one thing that seems to work for us both is that I write to her between sessions and drop my letters in her mail slot as I see fit. Sometimes I don't do it and sometimes I drop three letters off in a week's time, it just depends. I was really scared about her reaction to this at first because I write SO much and have a tendency to try to cover every topic at once, but she told me it was okay. I still think she probably thinks it is annoying, but she seems to put up with it for now. For me, it helps me not carry so much around in my head and makes me feel like I have done something with all of my craziness.

I think in my case, my T is really trying hard to be consistent. I HATE IT and love it at the same time. I like the reliability of her, but I hate the fact that she won't make exceptions for me. I am very emotionally motivated, and I think she is trying to teach me to ride out the emotions; you know, that they have a beginning and an end. But it is efffin painful. I feel like we move through stuff so slowly and painstakingly. I really do feel like I am a bouncy ball sometimes, but she refuses to chase me all around the room. I know I need to learn to not be so reactive, but this is NOT how things have worked for me before... EVER. My T maintains that she IS telling me what I need to hear, she just isn't speaking the language that I am used to using. Well, if that's the case, I need a translator!!!!!!!!
-CT

Hi Jo,
My T is not rigid about boundaries whatsoever. However, because of my own personal conflict with not knowing what was acceptable and ok with her she has given me some loose guidelines, but she is very flexible. She had to set a 10 minute phone call limit per call because of a incident where she attempted to convice me she is not tired of me or frustrated with me and will never leave me, and for 45 minutes nothing she said made any difference. As funny as it may sound that new boundary gave me a sense of what is ok. For someone who suffered from boundary deprivation it is such a relief! But I like that she is not rigid, but she says on rare occassion she can be if she has to be, but does not foresee that with me. I can send emails as needed but she does not reply to emails accept in session. I like that too, because I know that email would give more opportunity to flounder.

My T usually sets aside time to call in evenings, weekends, and even during some vacations. My struggle is like what most of us deal with, that I worry I call too much, or that I am bothering her. But My feelings on this are that this is part of the service we pay for. If a T has a no call policy that is their service, if a T has a limited policy or less rigid policy, that is part of their service. So I try to remember this so I don't feel so guilty about calling. I kind of think that our discomfort with it is deeper than that anyway, because no matter how reasonable I know it is, I still hesitate every time. I even set up an agreement with my T that she will expect a phone call from me every day and if I call I already know that is ok (she is expecting it). Then if I don't call she knows that I am ok and didn't need to. It's a silly little game I play with myself I guess, but it helps.

My T is very reasonable. One day she called me back between clients and I needed more than 2 minutes so she agreed to call me again later and that was very helpful. For me this has had to be a very open exploration to find what works so that we can understand what is really ok. We uses to spend some time on nearly every session in the past on what is really ok. We just have to learn to trust that it is when they say it is and if they have to set a boundary with us then we have opportunity to learn it does not mean rejection. My T says she has a distinct line between her personal life and her professional life and she likes it that way and I trust that she upholds that and I don't have to worry about it.

This is a great topic. It took me a long time to realize that you could call your T between sessions. Once when something big had happened between sessions she asked my why I didn't call her. Huh?? I can do that? I was so dumb about therapy (and still am ). Too bad for her, she opened the door!

quote:

I had a really hard time learning to do this. He spent a lot of time convincing me it was ok. He finally went so far as to tell me it was actually an important part of my therapy that I learn to call him. We've been working on attachment issues. I learned to move away from relationship when I'm needy and being able to call and have him respond is something I need to keep experiencing. It teaches me to ask for what I need and to get that need met, an experience sorely lacking in my life.

AG
It is still hard for me to call her. When I did it yesterday, it took every ounce of strength I had to do it. And I still felt that I was bothering her. We had that discussion in session today because I told her I felt stupid and immature for calling her yesterday. It was a really good session because we spent a lot of time on the "I don't think I should ask for help. I should be strong enough to deal with things on my own" theme. She again reassured me for about the millionth time, that she was not thinking that I was an annoyance, stupid or immature.

Sometimes I call and just leave a message of something that I just want to get out of my head and we can talk about at my next session. But if I call her with a crisis, she always calls back. And, she is never rushed. Yesterday's phone call was for 17 min. I've even had some that were over half an hour. I try not to abuse this, as then I think she will start charging me.

CT
I've done the mail thing as well. I figure if I give her a heads up before my session, then she will ask me about it and I won't have to bring it up. Sometimes I just have so much going on in my head that I just need to get it out to make room for more. She doesn't do email and it's a good thing for her. I probably would be sending her emails for every little thing.

My T also has no boundaries about when she receives calls. Evenings, weekends etc. It is all ok. She even told me once that I could call her when she was on vacation in Yellowstone Park. Ok, even I am not that bold and needy. It really felt good to have her tell me it was ok though.

Yes, she is awesome and I'm just waiting for her to invite me to come live with her.

PL

I'm not sure whether my T takes calls or emails between sessions. I haven't asked, but I have brought the topic up and she hasn't taken the opportunity to tell me that she does or doesn't. I'm afraid to ask because if it's yes, that will open up a whole new can of worms for me like when is it important enough, how long before she calls back, and worry about what I said in the voicemail or email and how she's reacting.

I went through that with my son's T and I'm not ready to deal with that again just yet. While I find myself wishing I could talk to her or email her, I'm kind of glad for the boundary, whether it's real or not. When I feel like I really need to talk to her, I get my journal out and write, because I show her my journal anyway every week.

OW

quote:

My T maintains that she IS telling me what I need to hear, she just isn't speaking the language that I am used to using. Well, if that's the case, I need a translator!!!!!!!!
-CT

LMAO...ME TOO!!! But...then again...so does my T!!!
She does try to follow me when I'm bouncing off the walls...it must be exhausting...at least I can come home and take a nap...hmmmmmm...that is...if the ball will ever stop bouncing.


As to the topic...I routinely leave voicemail if some particular thought is bouncing around in my noggin. She seems to like this...but I usually don't remember what I said. If I'm really obviously distressed she will call me...or return a call. But I don't do it much...at least not usually. This year has been a bit of an exception. I don't like talking on the phone much, since I don't think I can make myself understood very well. I would prefer it if she would take email from me...but she hasn't budged on that one yet. The funny thing about that is that it would be so much better for her...she just doesn't know it. I'm sure I would not bomb her with email and I think I make much more sense when I am writing. JMO....I dunno...

Other T...well...I have her email addy and her cell number...so go figure. You just never know what game your playing until you turn over the chance card.

SD

I used to call my therapist once between sessions. I felt I could get a lot more out on the phone than I could in sessions. Maybe because I wasn't trapped in a room with her staring at me. Anyways I always want to talk to her and I worry if I call her too much or at all I will get too dependent on her. Its very hard for me to call. I also wander if not calling her is hurting me more, because I am left sitting there feeling I am stuck in those bad emotions until the next session. I wish we could just leave our CRAP in their office. Wouldn't that be nice?? Instead I tend to suffer ... It really does make me want to quit sometimes! But than I went through all this grief for nothing!!