Hello everyone,
* minor triggers for ED,SI and ending contact with mother*

I'd like to ask you all for some advice... about 1,5 weeks ago I started a new job, changed some other things (housing, hobbies, random stuff), and actually felt pretty good for the first time in about 15 years. My ED seemed to have disappeard, I took care of myself, I was able to cope with stress and fatigue in healthy ways, no SI... in short, I felt alive. Or, at least I felt like I'd never felt before.

Then a couple of days ago, my mum wanted to visit. The day before her visit I noticed I wasn't really coping. I was very stressed, restless, couldn't concentrate, forgot to take care of myself etc... then the next day, I was struggling to even get out of bed, a very slow start to the day (like 'good' old times), not sure what to do with myself.. all in anticipation of THE VISIT (really, they should make it into a movie with that title). Well, then when she got here, I felt allll those things *you're a failure* *why haven't you got a proper job* *why haven't you this/that/the other* Not that she explicitly says these things, but if you read through the lines, it IS what she thinks/says. She implies A LOT.
After she left, my ED decided to pop in for a short stay, but later decided not to leave. Also, I've been neglecting a lot of other stuff, postponing things etc. Basically, I just proved that I am indeed hopeless, and that indeed I do fail at a lot of things. But really, what I think (and dread) is that my mum triggered so much crap that that sent me spiralling down.

My T keeps telling me I have to stop being loyal to my mum (and the memory of who my dad was), but the more I think about it, the more I realise that maybe I can't achieve that without ending all contact between her and me. I have to say though that my mum is not a bad person. Whilst she made a lot of mistakes, she is kind and caring in her own way. But when I told her I was seeing a T, she told me that 'I'm not the only one' and that 'she had always acted in my best interest'. People describe her as a naive, kind, insecure sort of woman.

In short, I think my mum is making it impossible for me to heal.. what should I do??? It's driving me crazy, because for about a week I felt what it is like to live, and I want that feeling back. I am nearly 30 years old, and I need to live...is there a way in which I can 'be me', yet stay in touch with mom, do you think?

I hope this makes some sense...
May