Liese,

let me ask you this...

you say run out of things to talk about. What is it that keeps you going to therapy? There must be more....things you are not talking about, but perhaps should be...or why else would you keep going back?

Also, you mentioned that some subjects don't go as far as you want them to. I feel this way with T1 a lot (but never with T2). Would you feel okay saying to your T, "I would like to talk more about this....I'm just not sure what else to say about it, but its really weighing heavily on my mind today". Maybe then T will get the hint and start probing deeper.

I kind of struggle with this in my own way. I have certain topics I want to discuss, but I feel incapable of doing it or pushing further if we drift away from them. I have other topics that he gets onto where I'm not not interested in exploring them at this point (only because they are not SO important and it does cost me quite a lot to be there and I want that hour to be about the things I really NEED to talk about). I have just now become comfortable telling him when I am not wanting to talk about a certain subject at the time. I go back and forth between "playing point guard" and asking T to do it. Sometimes, I will come in with lists of topics and questions I want to discuss, and sometimes I will just let him pick stuff out of my journals that he thinks might be good to explore further. Sometimes, I will come determined to discuss something very important, but be beyond words when it comes to trying to say it to him face-to-face. I want to take the reigns, but I am so used to needing permission to even be myself that I really struggle.

Liese I have to admit I never really have this problem. I always seem to have something to say and I usually have a small list I carry with me that I add to during the week when something comes up... some question or something I need clarified from the previous session. I find if I jot it down at the moment then I end up with quite a list of stuff and most times do not even get to all of it.

Sometimes I pick a topic from my past and tie it in to what we are working on recently. I guess right now a lot of focus has been on my oldT and that truama. But I do just tell stuff to my T about ME... things I like, things that brought me satisfaction in the past or that I wish I could do now. I think this allows them to know us better and to be more effective in helping us.

But I do have to say that I have experienced some of what you describe, specifically, bringing up something that you want to explore and then after a few words it dies there sinking like lead. This happened with my oldT because he was resistant to exploring my past, my attachment injury and my abuse. When I would try to go there it was like hitting a wall at times. He just would not offer any insight or allow me to fully discuss or even grieve what I needed to. Oh he would be empathic and say some things that made me feel like at least he heard me, but it could also be very frustrating.

I think what would be helpful to you is to keep a log of the topics that you want to pursue and that your T just lets die. Maybe you will see some pattern or if you share with us maybe WE can see a pattern and then you can go back to your T and confront him on it. My guess is that he just does not know what to say and so tries to move the subject to a place he is more comfortable.

TN

Hi Liese,

That doesn't sound lame at all. When I was in therapy with my last T, I would plan out what I wanted to talk about ahead of time and nearly every time, I would never broach the subject. I'm getting better at bringing things up now, but I never did before, and it was constantly frustrating me. So I decided that when I started going to my current T that I wasn't going to plan things out but that I would just let them happen and see where it took me. Of course, sometimes I do think about things I want to tell T, but if I plan that out, I pretty much make sure that I feel I can tell her or else I'll just end up disappointed in myself.

My T is big on allowing silence, which was awkward at first, but I'm getting used to it and now value it. Sometimes I feel like I just can't talk a lot, and it helps to know that that's okay with T. How does your T feel about silence? I know you said he sometimes fills in the gaps. It's the lack of pressure from T that has allowed me to keep coming to session without a plan and be okay with it. Who knows, maybe it wasn't actually my decision to not plan things out with my T that changed things, but the change in my T as well. There was never a whole lot of silence with my last T.

Take care, Liese.

DF, I am sure that if I have control issues in therapy, I have them in real life as well, like you. Always very hard for me to let others be in control. Wondering if you have talked a lot about this with your T? Cooperating with each other?

My T has mentioned things like, he knows I feel powerless in the relationship, he wants me to feel like we are coequals, I am going to have to help him, things like that. It has made me take a look at the control issues, etc., but we haven't had a full-on discussion about them and I wonder if my unease is related to the control issues.

T mentioned a couple of weeks ago about agreeing on a treatment plan which sounds REALLY GREAT to me but we haven't gotten back to it. I did bring it up but he said he didn't have one ready yet.

LG, yes, I think you are right. I have noticed that when I run out of things to say, there is usually something I want to talk about but am being shy about bringing it up. I like what you wrote about saying, I'm just not sure what else to say about it, but its weighing heavily on my mind today. I am going to use that.

I know my H and I aren't connecting but I've never really known why. And, so it's been kind of a mystery to me as far as how I'm supposed to talk about my marriage and how to fix it if I don't even know what's wrong or what's bothering me.

I'm in therapy because I have trouble forming relationships with people. But how do you talk about that???

Yaku, I've experienced everything you described. But you are so much better than I am at telling your T when you just aren't interested in exploring something further. Many times T has changed the subject and I just go with the flow even if it's something I'm not interested in talking about and I never bring it back to where I want the conversation to be. I am the same way about asking for permission. There were so many topics in my FOO that were off-limits. Probably most topics were off-limits and I'd been banished for bringing things up that my parents did not want to deal with. So, I can see why for me, permission is important.

TN, I am glad that things just flow so well with your T. You seem to be really on top on your needs and T seems really great at being able to meet them.

I definitely do feel as though my T does steer the conversation away from certain things at times. I'm not sure it's because he doesn't want to talk about a certain thing because he's uncomfortable or if it's for another reason. Sometimes, I think he's trying to get me to be assertive and steer the conversation back. Therapy is also about learning relationship skills.

I was thinking that it took me so long to ask for a permanent appointment because a part of me was afraid of TOO MUCH INTIMACY and the performance pressure I feel. What has been happening then, is when I've been on the float list, that in and of itself causes me so much anxiety that I just need to get in there anyway or the times when I've tried to make it through the week but it does seem that sometimes something always happens that I need to talk to him about, either with my kids or my H.

I need to accept that I need to see him twice a week for now and somehow quell my fears of, "what if I'm really boring?" "what if nothing happens in three days to talk about?" "what if I'm in a good mood and just want light chit chat but just still need to connect with him?"

He has this 1;30 appointment on Thursdays that he wants to give me. Apparently the person hasn't been showing up but he wants to talk to the guy in person. I've been told that they finally put a call into this guy to say, WTF? Are you coming back? Can we give the spot to someone who needs it?

In the meanttime, this past week, they called me on Tuesday with an opening on Thursday. So at least I didn't have to wait that long. It was really nice that I knew I was going to see him and I could relax about that.

Then the kids were fighting on Tuesday and Wednesday nights and I just couldn't handle it. I withdraw when they fight but if I don't step in, they get to the point where they are hitting each other. Their fighting is out of control. And then on Wednesday morning, my H and I had a big fight about the kids shoes. Usually he is the one who loses it and gets mad but this time it was me. I LOST it. I was screaming at my H. He asked me to do something and I said no but he kept persisting. He said but I asked you nicely. And I said, yeah, and I said no. Am I not allowed to say no to you???

Anyway, the fight really traumatized all day Wednesday. When I saw T yesterday, I told him about the fight with H and the kids fighting. I tried to tell him how traumatized I was by the fight with my H but couldn't connect with anything except in a general way in terms of why it bothered me so much. I definitely asserted myself and it was scary. T said I did good work asserting myself and maybe I can work on just bringing it down a notch and not scream next time. He was very supportive of "MY SIDE" and felt my H was telling me what to do, not being considerate, etc. And that's part of the problem in our relationship.

Anyway, I left feeling so much more at ease and calmer even though it wasn't necessarily one of those sessions where I felt a huge connection with T.

And, so I wonder how much I let the anxiety about the float list interfere with dealing with the problems with the kids and my H????

Kashley,

You made an interesting point about going to a session withou a plan and being okay with the silence. Do you feel that things have gotten better in therapy for you since you did that? Have you gotten more out of therapy, I guess??? Was it helpful to let go a little of the process????

Thanks everyone for your replies. Always helpful.

(((HUGS))))

Liese

Liese,

I think it did get better once I stopped planning. At least, I stopped being quite so nervous. I still get nervous, but before every session, I would be shaking. Luckily, it's not that bad anymore. But -again- that may also be because of my T and not exclusively because I stopped trying to have a transcript written out in my head!

Also, a couple of things you said in your last post. About forming relationships- I think that working on forming relationships in therapy doesn't necessarily involving talking about it, but is more about learning to develop a relationship with your T. It's something that has to be acted out in therapy, and it may not even require too extensive of a discussion about it. The way you react to your T and your T reacts to you are indicators enough of the type of relationship you have, and your T will know this and seek to help you find better ways to relate to people.

There was a period of time a few months ago where I had twice weekly sessions, and I didn't explicitly ask, but my T picked up on my apprehension about not having anything to say on that second day. And she said that it was fine if I didn't have anything to talk about, that I could always cancel, but I'm also welcome to come. I said that I was worried I was wasting her time, and she said that as long as I was getting something out of my time there, then her time wasn't wasted at all. I would have had so much tension about it if we hadn't had that conversation (and I still did anyway), so I just suggest that you really try and relay your fears to your T.

Going back to what you said about letting go of the process..I have to say that, if nothing else, not planning everything out has eased my mind a little in the week between sessions. I used to be really tense in between sessions, and sometimes I still am but it's better now. It was also a new direction for me to take, and I saw it as approaching therapy in a different way that might help me move forward a little more. I wouldn't be able to exactly spell out how much progress I've made, but I think I can pretty confidently say that I've made more progress by 'letting go' than I would have if I hadn't. This is just me and my process, though...you would have to see if you felt comfortable doing that or if it was even the right thing for you to do.

quote:

I'm in therapy because I have trouble forming relationships with people. But how do you talk about that???

Hi Liese!
I have trouble forming relationships with people too… that’s pretty much my main problem.

To answer your question about how you talk about that, I’ll give you some examples from my therapy, I don’t know if it would be the same for you, but maybe it would give you somewhere to start or something concrete. We talk (or actually my T talks) a lot about my ‘style relate’- meaning the way I relate to everyone, including him. For example two sessions ago my T was explaining something and when he finished talking I said “uh huh” in a mumbled, deeper toned way. And then my T said something about my response and how it made him feel like maybe I wasn’t interested in what he said, or that I wasn’t listening or I thought he was stupid. And that if I had looked at him and said “Mmm Hmm” in a higher toned voice it would have made him feel like I listened and appreciated what he said. It’s something that seems tiny- all I said was “uh huh” but it makes a big difference in the way that I’m able to relate to people- and I don’t have anyone else who can point out those little things to me.

Another example was that last session we were talking about how I’m always expecting my T to be an asshole and then leave me feeling stupid for liking him- which is the exact pattern I have with my dad- and then he asked and wondered where else in my relationships I’m stopped from getting too close to them because my life experience has taught me that I’ll be left feeling stupid if I like someone.

Those are just two examples, I think a lot of relationship work is done without even noticing, and it’s the tiny things that add up.

Mac