Kashley,

You know that I empathize with everything that you are going through. I wouldn't say "just" a two week break. That is a long time when you are used to having the support of your T. Add extra stress on top of the break and it's a lot for anyone to take.

I hope that you are able to get some sleep. Please go easy on yourself. Let yourself have some extra pampering, take time to do some things you enjoy, journal, write here, call someone who is supportive etc. It's ok to not be totally ok.

I know how scary the feelings can be when they start to come up after being buried for so long. It can feel like the feelings themselves are going to bury you. However, as my T always says...your feelings and memories can't hurt you. There not pleasant, there not easy, but they can't hurt you. Every tear that you cry now is one less that you have to cry later. And you know what? If you don't feel anything during this break that is ok too. Whatever you need to do that is safe in order to cope and get through is ok.

Please know that you are not inadequate and you are not taking away too much. I think you are a wonderful and courageous person and I am so glad to have the opportunity to know you.

(((hugs)))

I'm a bit fried so I can respond much right now - but I wanted to say I'm so glad you are posting.

I've been through some rough T vacations. I'm comming up on one of my own. Oh, it's hard... I don't have much in terms of advice except that you are doing the right thing by seeking out support and connecting with people instead of isolating and completely hiding away. Hopefully it will get easier for you. Sometimes it does for me.

The only advice I have is to be kind to yourself, as much as you can. Even if it's just a small amount. This is not easy, and it's not easy because therapy and your T is really important and helpful you and that's really cool - and yeah, the separation SUCKS. I'm preparing to go through it now myself. My T reminded me today, it's ok to miss her... (I don't want to!) But I digress. I just want to say what you are feeling is pretty common and you are worth being supported and comforted.

I'm sorry this is happening at a crummy time for you with so much on your plate! I hope your drive with your mom goes well, and that you make it back safely... keep posting if you can (and as long as it's helpful to you). I hate the pain you are in, I like reading what you share, it helps me feel not so alone in my battle...

now I'm rambling...
do take care

~jane

Good for you for starting this thread...wtg, Kashley.

Keep posting just as a way to keep yourslef grounded kind of knowing there are others out here who care.

I'm sorry you have to spend all that time in the car and with your mom. Well, for myself, that in itself would be extremely difficult in a *very* weird, nothing- is- wrong- and- this-is-wonderful kind of way...so I hope you can find a way to keep yourself ok during this trip, if that is an issue for yourself as well. I suggest blinders, soundproof earmuffs, and, potentially a bunny suit, if the going gets really tough. I wish I had worn that all summer.

Take care of yourself, sweetie...keep posting, and do not worry- I repeat--- do not worry about taking care of others needs right now. (I know that is much easier said than done, honestly, I get that. But do try. You deserve to be cared about just as much as anyone, and you give a lot to the forum, Kashley...try, be kind to yourself. ((((Kashley))))

BB

Oh..thank you so much. I feel a little all over the place today.

STRM,

quote:

And you know what? If you don't feel anything during this break that is ok too. Whatever you need to do that is safe in order to cope and get through is ok.

Thank you for this. It seems like I crawl even deeper within myself whenever I don't feel something in a situation when I certainly know I should. It just makes me feel like I'm not even human. That's perhaps one of the worst parts of all of this, because that feeling always accompanies a feeling of complete helplessness and hopelessness. I have felt little bursts of..something, but it never seems like enough. But then if I get the full force of it, it's too much. And, as for the rest of your post - I think all of the same, and more, of you STRM.

Jane,

I'm sorry you're also about to go through a vacation. You're so kind to reach out to me in your own times of pain and stress. I think it's great that your T acknowledged that you'll miss her, too. We didn't talk at all about how I felt regarding my T's time away, but I think she knew that I would be really uncomfortable talking about it. And, besides, I don't even fully know how I'll feel or how much I'll feel at all. You take care, too, Jane.

BB,

Oh, you hit on a big thing there. A few sessions ago, I mentioned to my T that neither of my parents had any clue as to what was really going on with me, that I've even had a couple suicidal crises recently but that they think I'm the happiest I've ever been. I only talk to my dad once every few weeks, and I'll talk to my mom a couple times or so each week, so it's not like I have to 'fake it' that often. But yes, the car ride will be tough. I won't even consider telling her anything. I think I would if I felt like what I say/feel/think would be accepted, but it seems so much like it could turn into a "how could you do this to me?" thing. Thank you for so much kindness and understanding...I can't even say how much it means.

I had a pretty crummy sleep last night..only a few hours. I kept waking up from a migraine and a lot of anxiety that I could feel in my body. At one point when I woke up around 4 am, I had this moment where I literally thought I was going crazy. Never experienced that before. Throughout the night and today, I keep feeling a welling up of emotion, and I feel like I have to clench my eyes and fists to keep from exploding or something. I've had that sort of thing off and on for a long time, but never so constant.

With another break now, it makes me wonder why I still can't truly feel something...It just seems like I should be able to feel more during this break than I did during the last one. I had only been working with her for 3 months or so during her first break, but now it's been 7 months. And in most ways, I feel just as disconnected as I did before. The only difference is that I didn't quite have the physical stuff going on.

So grateful to all of you.

K

quote:

I'll talk to my mom a couple times or so each week, so it's not like I have to 'fake it' that often.[QUOTE]


Sweetie, that is pretty often to have to "fake it." And faking it is awfully painful, abusive thing to be *forced* to do- I know that one. So, you must be very gentle with yourself...you must be. There are enough silent voices tormenting you, without Kashley joining in. Just Breathe. Think of Love, (relief, peace-) and breathe. It might help, but if it doesn't, well- that is no wrong, either. I know it.


[QUOTE]it makes me wonder why I still can't truly feel something...It just seems like I should be able to feel more during this break than I did during the last one.

May I share with you something my dear T has said? "In the world of healing that I am inviting you into, where you feel *only what you really feel*..." Just these few words in email have given me the permission, to "not feel" if that is what is authentically happening, in this moment. Yes it is ok, to *not feel.* If that makes sense. Maybe that will make sense in some deep way, to a person like yourself. But, that itself is painful, well, maybe more than painful. It will be ok...you will be ok. You *are* a good person. Really. And loved, somehow, deeply. I hope this can help a bit. Get through...and let us know how you are on the other side.

Love,

BB

Not just on the other side, but in between, as well...

Hi BB,

Thank you for saying what your T told you...when we won't allow ourselves to have permission to feel whatever we do or don't feel, it's so helpful, at least until we learn how to do it ourselves, to have permission from someone else.

I don't have time to say much at the moment, but honestly...I'm not dealing very well with this. I have so much stress this week, and go figure that it would be the week my T is gone! And this past weekend...it's hard to know what to do when you have suicidal thoughts with your mother in the passenger's seat, completely unaware. I just feel like I'm lost in a maze. I'm trying to just accept my thoughts and feelings and not judge them, but it's so hard, and I fail every time.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

kashley

Just to say I am thinking of you right now as you are finding yourself in such a difficult place. I am sorry too that your T is not around to help you through this, I hope you can keep posting and feeling the support here.

It is hard not to judge ourselves for having these thoughts, and hard too when you are having thoughts like that in such close proximity to someone who you feel should be able to offer support and care to you, but is worlds away from doing so. That seems to make it all the more painful.

I have come to accept that I cannot change how my mum behaves to me, but I can learn to try to change myself and make myself stronger. Just thinking that has helped enormously.

Sending thoughts to you kashley and a hug too

starfish

Kashley,

I'm sorry that you are struggling. Sending warm and caring thoughts your way. Please post as you feel able. I know many here who want to support you and be with you as you go through this break. (((hugs)))

Hi Kashley... I just wanted you to know I have been thinking about you. Don't have any really good insights these days, unfortunately, but I want to remind you that you are doing so much right and you need to give yourself credit for your courage in walking into therapy in the first place and also you handled the change of Ts with grace and then you reach out for help and connection when you are feeling unsafe. This is all very good progress.

I'm sorry you feel like your parents have no idea what is going on with you. I often felt the same way. My father was living in my house with me and didn't even know who I was or what was important to me. He didn't protect me or take care of me in any way and didn't teach me anything. I was so hungry for this I attached to a T hoping he could be the Dad I always longed for. Not to get off subject but I do understand the feeling and that makes you feel quite alone. So just remember those of us here support you and care about you and we have confidence in you that you will get through this difficult time with your T gone. Just remember she IS coming back and you will see her again.

Hugs
TN

Thank you so much. Any little thing helps. I'm just relieved, I guess, that I am maybe not quite as invisible as I feel, if you know what I mean. But even though part of me doesn't want to be invisible, a huge part does, and I'm so scared every time I go against that dominating part of me. The urge to be invisible is so strong right now. Thank you for the encouragements to post…just..please tell me if I take too much?

Starfish, what you've accepted about your mom is something my T has tried to help me understand as well, about both of my parents. Sometimes for very brief moments I can accept that, but most of the time I just think that anything harmful they do or say to me is only because I did something to make them act that way toward me. It's a long process, that's for sure.

STRM, I appreciate your support so, so much, and I can never thank you enough.

TN, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and for the reminder. I will try to keep that in mind before I belittle myself for every tiny thing. I'm sorry for the pain you experienced with your parents, and I'm so sorry for how much pain you've been in over your former T. I haven't really known what to say, but I've been reading your posts and I truly admire your strength and integrity given everything that has happened.

I feel so confused by all of this. It's so unfamiliar to me to feel like my T is now all that allows me to feel real. I just…I don't know. It seems like the 'me' that is writing this isn't even real.

It's been a rough day...sometimes it gets hard to sit with the thought that I'm me, if that makes any sense. The feeling is almost unbearable. I'm sorry, I really can't find the words to express more. I just had to get something out, because all of this being in my head is just too much right now.

kashley,

For lots of us (maybe most?), breaks in therapy really, really suck, so you are by no means alone here. They suck for all sorts of reasons, and it's really, really normal for your symptoms to really rear up during this time.

If you have someone or something that comforts you during the break, I think you should take full advantage of them or it. Also, it's not a bad idea to pay attention to your dreams. You don't really have to "figure them out," but just make note of what's going on in them. After all, it's you that's making the dreams, and they do mean something.

When I have a break, very little comforts me, but I've found two psychology podcasts that I find interesting and I listen to them a lot during breaks. One is The Wise Counsel and the other is Shrink Wrap Radio. They're hosted by the same guy, but one is more geared toward the lay person. Maybe these might be something for you to listen to?

Keep us informed on how you're doing.

Russ

Hi Russ,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I think I logically knew that it was normal for symptoms to get worse, but I guess I was still convinced that I'd remain pretty unaffected by my T's absence. It's funny that you mention dreams, because I only occasionally have dreams that I remember, but I happened to have a very odd dream the other night. In a nutshell, I was with a friend and my mother, and we had a dog with us that was getting ready to have puppies. Then, my mom died at the exact same time that the puppies were born. What I remember most about the dream, though, is how unaffected I felt about my mother dying. I actually remember thinking about it in a trade-off kind of way - I was thinking, in a rational manner, that it seemed like a lopsided trade-off.

Today marks the halfway point, and I have to admit that it seems like it's going VERY slowly. It feels a bit like my head is a dangerous place to be right now. I have this deep sense of pointlessness and confusion and hatred for having needs (like needing my T). I end up ruminating on these thoughts and everything just gets worse.

Well, I need to get back to work. But thank you all for your continued support.

Halfway is good! Now you are on the down side of the hill almost...

We are here...keep posting! Really!

BB

Thanks, BB.

Well, I first want to say that I feel guilty for not really posting except for on my own thread, but my heart goes out to so many of you who are really struggling and dealing with so much right now. You all (every single one of you) are incredible, and I'm blessed to have found this forum.

I'm really feeling like I'm at the end of my rope. It's so hard to put this into words, because it feels like all of these dark, dark feelings just smother me so that I can't talk, write, think, whatever. It's paralyzing. I get angry with myself for feeling that way, because if (or when) I tell my T about all of these thoughts of dying I have, I'm scared that she'll be angry or something since I didn't call her or the backup T. I'm scared that she'll think that it's ridiculous that I find myself feeling suicidal again when she's gone when I can't even feel or express any feelings I have about her while she's here. I feel like I must be making this up or something. I don't really know what else to say. I can't seem to write anymore right now.

Thank you for listening..

Kashley I'm so glad you checked in with us.

I know that dark place, the black hole of fear and overwhelming emotion that paralyzes us. But you are doing better than you think because you were able to write to us here and explain what you are thinking. Could you just take this one step further and call the backup T or your T (if you can reach her) and let them know how you are feeling. Just try this because I know talking with one of them will help you. And I hate to see you suffer if it's not necessary. You have the choice, Kashley to reach out to T for help, she wants you to and she will be there for you. She would not want you suffering like this at all. I know this.

Let me ask you Kashley, if I had written your last post about how I was feeling while my wonderful T was on vacation what would you tell me to do? Would you encourage me to call him? I know you would and so I want you to give yourself the same encouragment and advice and make the call.

I wish I could do something else to help you with all of this. Your T will be back soon and, as Bon Jovi sings.... You are halfway there...

Hang in there,
TN

I'm so glad you wrote...I've been thinking about you and glad to see you. I agree with everything TN has written. Calling would be a great idea. Scary, but think how proud your T will be, that you let yourself reach out for help while she was gone...she would be very proud of you- I'm sure of it. You deserve to have a caring professional to talk to about how you are feeling right now. And you are not making this up. It might really really feel that way- I know- but you aren't. ((((Kashley))))

Let us know how you are, we are thinking of you. Keep posting. Please, do not worry about the other threads right now, sweetie, you simply can't. Everyone understands that, and no one is hurt or offended. Trust me. We've all been there.

BB

TN, BB...it means so much to me to have your care and understanding. Really. Especially in times like this when it's something I know I desperately need.

I've been in a fog today and it's felt like I've just barely been pushing myself along to finish up the week before I can collapse. My T had written down the days that she would be available to take calls, and go figure that today and tomorrow are the only days that she's not available. I feel so much like I literally can't speak, at least when it comes to talking about my feelings. It seems like a pointless want right now, but all I want is to just sit in the room with my T and not have to say anything. A lot of times I'll imagine being in the room and just curling up into a ball, which would feel safe to me. But I never do. I barely move during sessions...I guess it seems like just the movements it would take to change positions would make me way too visible and vulnerable.

A huge, huge thing that is almost always one of the biggest reasons that I never call my T is that I'm so afraid to tell her certain things, like some of my coping mechanisms. It seems so off to call them 'coping' mechanisms, because I always end up feeling 10x worse and hate myself even more, but I still do them. I never understand why, either. I'll tell myself before hand..you're going to feel awful afterward, stop while you can..but it never matters what kind of things I say to myself. I always fail. And I feel disgusting. That is such a big thing that sends me spiraling and it seems like, if I were to call my T in the middle of this spiral, I would either have to be super vague and not even be able to really express what I'm feeling, or I'd have to tell my T something major over the phone. And I just can't do that. Not over the phone. I just don't understand why I still do these things when I full-heartedly know that it's not good, that I'm only going to make myself feel worse. Why do I do that??? It makes me feel like this is a huge reason why I don't deserve help, because I do these things to myself and it's my own fault.

Anyway, my session is on Wednesday...I'm getting there. I just need to keep breathing.

Kashley...if you don't deserve help because of your coping mechanisms, than nobody else does either. I could write your psot word for word, because I too, do harmful things, with full knowledge, and it makes me feel completely hopeless. But just know, thatYou are not the sum total of your weakness...we all have stuff like that. Everybody. Not just you. The real danger is not the "sins" (as I would call them) but the feelings of despair that they can produce. Try, not to condemn yourself for the things you do that are just human weakness, and know, that even your knowledge doesn't make you "bad." This is stuff that is coming from outside of yourself, I believe, and the temptation is to internalize it so that we are *at least taking full responsibility" Like a kind of insurance or something? idk, that's how it plays out for me. Yours may be different...but no matter what, no matter what your fight is or how often you give into it, whatever it is- *you* are precious, lovable and good. Really. But, suffering. If you didn't care so much about being a good person, (which is good) than it wouldn't even concern you, and you would go happily along doing whatever it is, unaware. I know that fog and thick darkness...I spend so much time there myself...there *is* hope. This is really happening to you. You really do deserve and need and are justified in seeking help in dealing with it. Keep posting until you can find someone to talk to or just, be with, yes, I know that too, sometimes we can't speak of it if the pain is so deep that you can't even feel it anymore. It's ok. We are here, you are good, keep posting, and call your T or backup, as soon as you are able.

Love and prayers,

BB

On re-reading my response, I'm thinking I shouldn't have even used the word "sin" because it has such condemnatory connotations in many people's minds. I really just mean coping mechanisms, because I'm sure that is whatever it is. I just wanted to be clear on that.
anyway...(((((Kashley))))) many comforting and safe hugs,

BB

kashley

I've read your last post and wanted to offer you some support too through this difficult time.

I can really empathise with you saying you have no words,

quote:

but all I want is to just sit in the room with my T and not have to say anything. A lot of times I'll imagine being in the room and just curling up into a ball, which would feel safe to me. But I never do. I barely move during sessions...I guess it seems like just the movements it would take to change positions would make me way too visible and vulnerable

Maybe you should just go with what your body is telling you, it seems to be searching for safety and security right now. I feel safest curled tight in a ball, snuggled by a warm radiator or with a cosy blanket over me ....can't do that in session, but there is something about sitting in silence and allowing yourself to just be. My T is fine with silences and fine too about times when she knows I can't talk ... which can be very different from times when I need to talk but don't feel brave enough to. There is a difference isn't there?

I too barely move...T has tried, mostly unsucessfullty to unfreeze me, but there is a safety in sitting very very still and having T sit equally still. And yes, any movement, even reaching to pick something up can at the wrong time feel like an enormous feat. At other times, when I feel far less vulnerable, I would almost gladly dance a jig if she suggested it .....well perhaps not quite then!

Kashley, your coping mechanisms may be far from ideal, but don't beat yourself up about them if they are getting you through. Maybe in time you can learn to change them, but you will need to talk to T first and get safer alternative strategies, if not you might feel left without any, which would feel very scary.

quote:

if I were to call my T in the middle of this spiral, I would either have to be super vague and not even be able to really express what I'm feeling, or I'd have to tell my T something major over the phone. And I just can't do that. Not over the phone

Kashley, instead of telling your T over the phone, can you write down at the time how you feel and what you are doing and why? Scary I
know....and then maybe make a pact with yourself to give her the writing or post it if that feels too hard. It's difficult I know but sometimes the speaking thing is truly impossible. Sometimes when things have felt too hard to say I've written them down; sometimes in session I've not been able to speak about something and T has suggested just saying a word, one word, about it, as a start. If it was just a word that week, it was ok, then we could build on it later as I felt safer. For me that took away the pressure that I needed to tumble it al out at once.

I'm imagining that Wednesday still feels ages away for you. You are getting there though kashley...keep breathing and taking very small steps in all you do. Remember you do deserve help as much as anyone else.

Thoughts and hug,

starfish

Kashley,

I'm sorry for the late response. I am glad that time without your T is winding down. Wednesday probably seems like forever away, but it will be here before you know it.

Have you considered talking to your T about the coping mechanisms that trouble you during a time that you aren't already highly activated and triggered? Perhaps it would be easier to discuss them then (or even write them down and give to her) and then she could help you work with some alternative strategies.

I agree with Starfish about listening to your body. I understand that need to just curl up in a ball and be still. I know you would feel safer with your T, but could you let yourself follow what your body is telling you? Even if it is just a few minutes that you give yourself to just be.

When will you be able to call your T? It sounds like maybe within the next few days or did I misread that? I know how hard it is to make that call, but if you could even call her or the backup T and just say that you needed to check in that might be enough to get you through until Wednesday.

((((hugs))))

quote:

I know that too, sometimes we can't speak of it if the pain is so deep that you can't even feel it anymore.

Thank you for this, BB...I've struggled so much to figure out how to put some of these feelings (or at least the knowledge that they are there, somewhere deep down) into words, but you've done it beautifully. It seems to me like that's what is most paralyzing about it. Sometimes it seems like way, way down where all of my feelings (and my ability to feel freely) are, there is a whole different person that keeps all of the frightening/hurtful feelings and memories. And since it does feel so separate from me so much of the time, it makes it easy for me to just deny that this person even exists. These past few days I've felt like I'm going to drive myself mad because of how much I question the validity of everything I think and feel. Pretty much anything I feel that's less than peachy I just think that I'm making it up for attention and care. And then I just don't know what's real and mine from what I might be making up..

Oh, and BB, don't worry about your wording...I don't know about others, but I seriously doubt anything you ever do or say could ever offend me.

Hi Starfish,

quote:

My T is fine with silences and fine too about times when she knows I can't talk ... which can be very different from times when I need to talk but don't feel brave enough to. There is a difference isn't there?

My T is fine with silences, too. I mean...really fine. There are a lot of time when I can't talk, and she'll gladly sit in silence with me for several minutes at a time. I never thought I'd get comfortable with that, but I am now and I truly value it. And yes, there is a big difference between times when you can't talk and when you want to but can't find the courage. Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever told my T that I can't talk (even when that's how it feels). I always try to say something, because I convince myself that it's ridiculous that I can't talk or find the words to talk, that I must not be trying hard enough. Maybe the next time that happens, I'll try and just tell her that I can't, and that's that. Sometimes it just seems too hard.

My T tries to help me relax sometimes, but most of the time she just lets me be, because I guess she knows that I'll relax in my own time. I tend to get really tense during conversations, though. Sometimes it feels like I try to tense my body enough so that I can shrivel up and not be seen anymore. The one time that I have cried I waited until I really couldn't anymore before I reached to grab a tissue...I hated having to move!

I feel so much at a loss of what to do. I'll try writing something down, but even that's so scary because of how ashamed I am. I can't stand to see my own words. It feels so much that these are just things that I have to live with and deal with on my own since I'm too afraid to tell my T or even just to write it down and give it to her.

Thank you so much for your post, Starfish.

STRM,

No apologies necessary at all. I actually did consider telling her once about one of them, but of course...it was the last session before she left. It was the first time I ever felt the urge to tell her and that the fear of telling her didn't completely overwhelm my wish to do so. But I stopped myself, because it is a big can of worms to open, and there's no way that I could have dealt with a two week break after telling her.

quote:

I know you would feel safer with your T, but could you let yourself follow what your body is telling you? Even if it is just a few minutes that you give yourself to just be.

I let myself curl into a ball yesterday for just a few minutes, and I immediately broke down. I guess I shut down, though, because the tears left just as quickly as they came. But then I just convince myself that maybe I don't have as much sadness as it seems...maybe those were just all the tears I had and now I'm completely fine. Logically I know that's not true, but logic doesn't seem to matter when I believe that critical voice with every fiber of my being.

I'm scared to say this because it feels so cowardly and stubborn of me, but I really can't call. Or, as my T would like to correct, I won't call. I put myself in this awful, torturous dilemma because I don't call for fear of being a bother or asking for help when I don't need and/or deserve it but I am also really scared that one day my T is just going to get completely fed up with my overwhelming fear of calling her. Technically, I could call her today or Tuesday, but I'm fine. So I'll just suck it up and wait until I see her on Wednesday.

I'm so grateful to you all for your continued support.

Kashley

Your T does sound very attuned to you and your needs, I am glad she is trying to help you relax and is willing to simply sit with you and allow you to be with your feelings a bit. However if there are things that are so important that she doesn't know about, the things that you are so ashamed of saying, but are eating you up, then I think it's worth having a go at telling her, really I do. Chances are she might already have realised this (Ts have an irritating ability to do this!) or won't be in the least surprised/shocked/disgusted....or whatever else you imagine....when you do tell. I've done the 'email and post before session' option several times when I just couldn't bear to tell in session, and that's felt an easier way for me. T was always really great about it and thanked me for being brave enogh to tell, what ever way I chose. I don't know if you could try kashley, I do know how hard it is. Shame is a really crippling emotion that is so hard to shift...only by starting to hear affirmations from your T about how none of this is or was your fault, will that shame start to lift a little.

I hope Wednesday comes really quickly for you,

Take care,

starfish

Well, done, Kashley, for posting... ( pat, pat ) Kashley, I have no idea if what I say next will be a true representation of what you are dealing with, or not. So, please take with a grain of salt. I want to tell you that I think that what you are dealing with is maybe, a very powerful defense mechanism, one that is really hard to route. (Because even while I am typing this, BB is thinking to herself, oh yeah, you are just using this for an excuse, yourself, BB- good one- defense mechanism, yeah, right-! (Can you see how this can put a person into a hopeless place? Just say, shut up, inner critic or whatever you want to call it) The way this plays out for me, and the only way out of it is as follows, I hope you can use some, it's hard for me to think straight while I write it, but I really want to try. here goes:

I recently had a breakthrough of sorts in SD...because my SD was able to lead me to clearly see (but not feel, yet) just how bad sad, unhappy, awful, I am made to feel in every moment, and at every turn of my thoughts. It is a constant catch 22 situation with no escape. Except, this, for me: my SD pointed out to me, that no matter what he says, I am compelled to find a way (internally, usually) to find a way to make it somehow *proof* of my badness. In seeing the truth of this, I was able to recognize that I feel really horrible in almost every moment...for a brief moment, I could feel how badly I really do feel- about myself. So, now I have that memory to hold onto. wheeee! But, that *really is* a good thing, a small step in the right direction. My SD, a very wise man, has pointed out to me, that I would have to shut down on my feelings, in order to block this, otherwise *I would die.* (His words, not mine) There is no easy way out of what you are dealing with, except to reach out for help, *no matter what.* There is some kind of powerful voice that is very silent, and constantly telling you that you do not really feel what you really do feel- and vice versa?? Well, that is how it works for me. None of my feelings feel "real." So, better to stay numb, than suffer the horrible guilt of feeling feelings that aren't real? This is a nasty place to be...I really, really feel for you if you are there, because it is awful in every possible interpretation of the word. For me it seems to be a basic problem with my won existence, with having permission to "be." That's why I like the way your T is handling this. It seems like she gets it. This is a really tricky, nasty thing. My T says that I must have been told that I was "just looking for attention" and made to feel horribly guilty for it, all the time when I cried when I was very small. I learned not to look for attention, and to suffer and shut down on my emotions, that is for darn sure. He says, so sweetly, :"let us get rid of the little word just...everyone needs caring attention. And it is not wrong to go looking for it if you are not getting it...and you will find one way or another to get it, because it is so neccessary."

Hm, I'm all over the place and not explaining the setup very well. But for me it's like: "I am bad for feeling, because my feelings aren't real, but just attention-getting manoevers- so I should not have them, or express them, or- heaven forbid, actually feel them- because if I do, then it is proof positive of my badness, since they are not real." For me, I feel like an actress every time I have an emotion, and I hate myself for it. I loathe myself for my self-pity. And I can see no reason for my self-pity. Kashley, I have become so desperate to find a way out of this terrible bind, that I am starting to just "wallow" in self-pity, as a way out...well, my T seems to encourage this...well, I guess he thinks the emotions are real, don't ask me why. SD also is trying to get me to see, this is real. So, that's two people who can see, that I'm not "evil" for having these feelings of deep sadness that make NO sense to me, as I cannot connect them to anything. I'm only trying to write some of this out, to help, because it seems like the same thing to me, and I know the hopeless, feeling-less, misery- it is really hell, and I don't know, Kashley, I just want to be a bit in it with you if I can, since I'm there so much of the time myself. Hm Kashley, if I were your T, I would encourage you to think of the sadest, truly unfair, most heart-wrenching things that have happened to you, and cry, just cry, because even though...even while you are crying, it won't feel real, and you may condemn yourself for the tears- still, it needs to come out, someway. (If this is not helpful, obviously, disregard it.) I have found a little bit of relief this way. Problem is, it is hard to *stop* crying, so, if you give into the urge, well, try, wait until you will have some good while alone, or, preferable, with a friend or counselor. (I know, I know, I know, impossible- but, I just have to say it, in case you find yourself able to, somehow, by a miracle- just know if it happens, there are loving angels and forum friends all around rejoicing that you let yourself cry)

Oh, Kashley...I am so sorry. Please give yourself permission to just use your coping mechanisms, whatever they are... my priest has told me, to *expect* to just go ahead and do these things, that I feel such tremendous guilt for (drinking and something else that I won't mention here, wince I find too shameful- in my case) until I grow stronger- enough to let them go. He says, you cannot walk before you have learned how to crawl. Well, Kashley, something about what was done to us, has really disabled us...and now, we must slowly, with lots of rests, learn how to reach out for help. You will get there. First step is learning to cry for help, when you need it, and thenm next step, is not to feel wrong, crying for help. After that, accepting the help that is offered, maybe. Then using the help- with help...perhaps after that, you may learn, how to use the help, all by yourself. But first step...we must slowly, learn how to ask. But slowly, because the asking itself is *very* painful and hard- in that we were taught that the asking itself is the very thing that makes us wrong and bad- I suspect. Maybe, it's not baby steps...maybe it's even slower than that, just now. And that really is ok. Go slow. Just go slow. Many hugs, and congratulations on making your post, today.

Love,

BB

ps, I forgot to mention that, if you at all like i was wehn at this point, you may be able to function just perfectly normally in this, and that is no wrong, Kashley. It is just a function of the supremely effective shutdown, that makes it possible to function. It does not mean that deep down you are not hurting and badly suffering. And it's ok, to smile laugh and enjoy friends, activities, or whatever- really. You should not be made to feel guilty for that, as well.

Hi Starfish,

I know...I keep going back and forth, wondering if I'll know when I feel ready (or ready enough) to tell her, or if it's the kind of thing that I'm never going to feel ready to tell at all.

quote:

Chances are she might already have realised this (Ts have an irritating ability to do this!) or won't be in the least surprised/shocked/disgusted....or whatever else you imagine....when you do tell.

Ha, yes...I've been worried for quite some time that my T knows (or has intuitively guessed) some of the things I'm not telling her. I don't email my T, because I don't have her email. I've never asked and she's never offered it. Probably because I won't call and to have the option to email would give me an out, and the chances of me ever using the phone after that would be slim to none. And yes, shame is so, so crippling. The last session when I felt like I wanted to open up to her a little more kind of gave me hope that maybe I'll be able to tell her some of this stuff in the near future.

Thanks for everything, Starfish.

Holy moly, BB. I could quote your entire post and say, "That's me!" I'll pick a few points that especially resonated with me.

quote:

There is some kind of powerful voice that is very silent, and constantly telling you that you do not really feel what you really do feel- and vice versa?? Well, that is how it works for me. None of my feelings feel "real." So, better to stay numb, than suffer the horrible guilt of feeling feelings that aren't real?

quote:

"I am bad for feeling, because my feelings aren't real, but just attention-getting manoevers- so I should not have them, or express them, or- heaven forbid, actually feel them- because if I do, then it is proof positive of my badness, since they are not real." For me, I feel like an actress every time I have an emotion, and I hate myself for it. I loathe myself for my self-pity. And I can see no reason for my self-pity.

I really don't know what to add to this, because it is so accurate. It really is a horrible, nasty cycle, and I sometimes I feel like it will literally drive me crazy. A lot of times I feel like that, actually. Which is all the more reason to not feel, on top of feeling like an oscar winning actress. I think, BB, that your T is right and that you are feeling real emotions and you're not wallowing in self-pity. Rather than wallowing, I think you are simply letting yourself feel some of your true feelings instead of working so, so hard to stay away from those emotions (which, for me, gets so exhausting...overwhelmingly so). Please do whatever you need to, BB..anything that helps. I feel like we happen to have a whole lot in common when it comes to our thoughts and feelings (and I'm sure there are others who feel similarly but just haven't posted)...even though I hate that you experience the same thing, it is so relieving to know that this endless cycle isn't something that my mind created as a way to get attention, that it's legitimate enough that someone else knows almost exactly the same feelings. Of course, the second I step away from this forum and am back in my own head, all of that legitimacy will disappear...but it's something, I guess.

quote:

ps, I forgot to mention that, if you at all like i was wehn at this point, you may be able to function just perfectly normally in this, and that is no wrong, Kashley. It is just a function of the supremely effective shutdown, that makes it possible to function. It does not mean that deep down you are not hurting and badly suffering. And it's ok, to smile laugh and enjoy friends, activities, or whatever- really. You should not be made to feel guilty for that, as well.

Again, I don't know what to say, because this pegs me so correctly...I can't believe it. I think that because I'm able to seemingly snap out of it so easily that I MUST be faking it or making everything up, because if I really had all of these miserable feelings in me, they wouldn't be able to just be stuffed back down in me with the snap of a finger. Granted, I feel like that function has worn down a bit these past two weeks, and it's a little risky for me to be typing this at work, considering it's getting hard to keep from falling apart right now. But I've told my T several times that I feel like I must not be feeling the way I do because I can snap out of it so easily. Especially when I'm in the darkest of places where it seems like there's only one way out...I hate myself for feeling that way, especially when I can feel like that for a few minutes and then pull myself together and go to class that evening, feeling perfectly fine. Above all, I believe that's one of the things that means I don't need or deserve help. Thank you so much for everything you've written, and I would be so glad if you got something out of it, too. Hugs to you.

I guess it makes a little sense, but the closer it gets to Wednesday, the more I'm having trouble staying put together. The feeling of wanting to shutdown and hide is stronger now than ever and the feelings are getting darker each minute. It feels like I have a scrambler in my head that keeps me from being able to articulate what I'm thinking or feeling, which forces me to keep it all inside and to myself. Little things are triggering me lately...small things, but they're all adding up and making everything seem so overwhelming, like the whole world is one big trigger.

Anyway, you all have helped me so much through this. Thank you.

(((((Kashley))))

So, only two days left? you can do it.
Yeah, I think we have the same setup, that's why it sounds so familiar, of course we are different people, but I think this stuff from the past must affect people in the same kind of ways. For me it was a lot of emotional neglect. Just not really existing as a person with legitimate needs and feelings. I think my feelings were pretty much negated whenever I did express them. Yeah, I know, the feeling of being back in my head again as soon as I log off of here. Maybe that's why I spend time here, in order to have some sense of the reality of what I'm feeling inside. idk. I remember telling my T once that feeling the pain of what I feel is a relief comapared to my normal "happy" way of functioning. Of course...that makes me feel guilty/bad too But Kashley, yes, everything you are experiencing is legitimate. For me it feels like, since I have nothing really specific to connect the pain to, it isn't real. Like I could justify being depressed or whatever it is that I am, if I had some event that triggered it to go back to, or something. I will tell you that after a year and a half of T, this is getting better. I will say that it has to get worse before it gets better. At least that is how it's playing out for me. There is just no way around it. It has to come out, I think. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to keep it locked inside. But I really had no choice in pursuing T after awhile since I was getting less and less able to function, as the years go by. I want to reclain my life. Kashley, you are still young. You can live a full life, and learn how to be who you are, become real, before too much of it has passed away. I say, go for it, girl. Yes there is pain. But I do beleive that on the other side of it, is not perfect happiness, but peace and the ability to deal with feeling pain and find healthy ways to cope with it, and love ourselves. In the meantime, I think it is most importnat that you not condemn yourself for the coping mechanisms that are helping you to survive at this point... and, go slowly.

Keep posting, Kashly...I see you have ended this thread with a thank you...that may be guilt at "taking too much" in play. Which is why I posted again! I hope that is ok. Let us know how you are today, if you get the chance!

Love,

BB

I wanted to ask you as well, if you can remember: what does your T say to you when you tell her that your feelings of pain are not real because you can pull yourself together so quickly and enjoy activities or whatever? Does she agree that the pain is not real?

Other question, is, does the pain and suicidal ideation, coping mechanisms, etc, manifest more when you are alone, and then disappear entirely when you are with others, out in public, etc., to the point where nobody would ever know or guess, and you have also fooled yourself and can actually enjoy yourself? But the critic judge, accuser or whatever you want to call it, is standing there outside of yourself, nodding sardonically, and pointing out to you how much fun you are having makes you a liar for how you feel the rest of the time? That is how it works for me. This accuser or judge, is so nasty, and for some reason it wants me to beleive that I am not feeling pain. I suspect, because in feeling the pain, and my SD has pointed this out to me, I find some relief or excuse, for "bad" behavior. And the accuser never wants me to have any excuse for "bad" behavior, or to ever have a moment's mercy on myself. In feeling the real pain, I then experience the new relief of feeling ok about myself, which in turn produces more painful feelings of guilt...but it is better than the other, in my opinion. There, it is a little bit easier in that place, to ignore the guilt feelings, or let them go.
Well, it's changed a bit just lately, since T- but that is how it certainly was for me, for years and years.
Kashley, I guess I keep posting because (what's left of) my heart really aches for you. I just hope that this imnportant feeling of legitimacy of your feelings can be encouraged by me, and others. It is crucial to hang onto, that sense for as long as you can...but that is very difficult. So do not condemn yourself, either if you cannot stay there for long. right now, I stay there no more than a few seconds, at times. I believe- from my expereinces in both T and SD. My SD has told me that it will take a long time to heal my emotions and in the meantime, I may feel like I am acting when I let them out- and that's ok, because in time I will begin to experience them as more real, and more genuine, and more spontaneous. I am going to trust him on that, and I think the same is true for you.

Sorry to go on and on, Kashley. I just relate so much, and feel so badly for you. Many comforting hugs. You have been such a huge support to me when I was in very bad places, and I want to thank you for that.

BB

The thing about it for me is that I don't really know exactly why I am the way I am. Which makes me think, again, that I'm making it all up. I feel like I have a lot of gaps in my memory from my childhood, though. I know things just because they're facts that I've been told, but there's so much I don't remember. Mostly things from home...my memories from childhood really only consist of times when I was in a classroom or riding horses. It seems like the lack of memories is kind of a representation of feeling invisible. I told my T that I wasn't sure, but I think I would often try to make myself invisible to try and ease the conflict between my parents and that I have always felt somewhat invisible throughout school and in most everything. I know there was a lot of turmoil with my parents, but I don't remember anything. Not one fight, even though I know they happened. I also can't remember ever expressing my feelings or really being asked how I felt or having someone repsond to those feelings. My mom was the nurturing one, so I know she did most of the time. I just can't remember. And that really gets to me.

quote:

Like I could justify being depressed or whatever it is that I am, if I had some event that triggered it to go back to, or something.

I told my T a few sessions ago that I only thought that I'd be able to accept that I shut my feelings off for a reason when I found that reason...that I'd only be able to accept it once I remember a place in time where I decided, "Ok, I don't want to feel anymore." I know it's not really a conscious process, but I still feel like that's the only way I'll accept that I had any good reason for going numb.

quote:

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to keep it locked inside.

Yes, I tend to wonder this a lot. I've been in therapy for more than a year now, and for the most part I still feel like I'm in the same spot as I was when I started. I know it's a long process, so I'm just trying to find faith in the belief that it will eventually feel helpful, but it's hard. Especially because, since I really don't feel like much progress has been made, I think that I can't be helped because I don't need to be helped, that there's obviously nothing wrong with me and it's all in my head. Of course, I know that there's not nothing wrong with me, since everyone has something, but I'm an expert at being really hard on myself.

I have a bad memory, but in reference to your question about what my T says when I say my feelings aren't real? I think she'll tell me that it's just my critical voice talking, that I'm being judgmental of myself and that you can't judge feelings. Whenever I've told her about times that I'm bothered or disturbed that I can't feel or that I felt the 'wrong' thing or whatever, she'll just tell me that my numbness is functioning the way that I used to need it to function. She'll say sometimes that I shut my feelings off to survive, but that kind of scares me off. The word survive, I mean. I don't know what I needed to survive. She believes that the pain is real, that it is from another part of me that is completely unfamiliar and alien but that this part still exists.

quote:

Other question, is, does the pain and suicidal ideation, coping mechanisms, etc, manifest more when you are alone, and then disappear entirely when you are with others, out in public, etc., to the point where nobody would ever know or guess, and you have also fooled yourself and can actually enjoy yourself? But the critic judge, accuser or whatever you want to call it, is standing there outside of yourself, nodding sardonically, and pointing out to you how much fun you are having makes you a liar for how you feel the rest of the time?

Spot on, that's how it is for me, too. A few times I've had that sort of thing pop up when I'm with others, but it's mostly when I'm by myself. One time when I was telling my T about some of my suicidal thoughts I also said that no one would have any clue that anything was going on because I'm able to act completely normal in public. And then I'll think to myself, if you really felt thst way you wouldn't be able to act normally. Same old song and dance.

Thank you for being so giving and supportive, BB. It's so easy, especially right now, to make judgments of everything and invalidate everything I'm thinking and feeling, to see it as me just being ridiculous. A large part of me is so tempted to just go in on Wednesday and tell my T that I'm fine, I've been fine, and have always been fine and apologize for seeming like I'm not. Yes, I do feel like I've taken way way too much and have given nothing back. You're keeping me talking, BB, so I do thank you for that because it seems like, the closer Wednesday gets the harder a time I'm having. But I feel like I'm treading on thin water here.

Many hugs, BB. And please keep what is left of your heart, because I know (seeing as I'm not talking about myself, as I'm sure you can understand) that you deserve all and more of what you are giving me.

quote:

Today marks the halfway point, and I have to admit that it seems like it's going VERY slowly. It feels a bit like my head is a dangerous place to be right now.

I thought you see T on Wednesday? Am I remembering this wrong or did you mean next Wed? I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I agree with Russ that it is normal for symptoms to get worse during a break.

I think that you are doing a great job continuing to work and function despite the pain that you are in. I know it probably doesn't seem that way to you, but I think the fact that you've continued to reach out here and managed to make it to work says a lot!

Hi STRM,

I do have an appointment with my T tomorrow. I wrote that post last Wednesday. Ha, and no...I think I've done a pretty crummy job at handling this, but thats just me speaking to me, which I know tends to be distorted. Thank you for telling me you think I've handled it well. It does mean something to hear that, even if I don't believe it for myself.

Thanks, STRM.

I liked your last post...it spoke well of where you are coming from. I am just wondering...if you can't remember, than how do you know that your mom responded to your emotions with nurturing? I suspect this might be where a lot of your pain is residing...somewhere in the *belief* that you were nurtured...but knowing something was/is missing that you can *sense* and *know*-though you don't know really, why, yet- and feel *wrong* for even feeling? Well, You are not wrong. You have emotional needs that are valid. Period. Emotional neglect -all by itself- is insidious and horrible, because it leaves us with *nothing* to pin our misery on, forcing us to take *all* of the blame for everything that is wrong in our universe on ourselves. It is far too much for one person to bear.

Perhaps you should give yourslef permission to "just be" with you T tomorrow. I think it makes sense that you should need that, and is no wrong, rather..a good thing.

Peace, Kashley, hugs,

BB

Yeah, so much of what I tell my T and things that I feel/experience/do fall right in line with the residual effects typical of a childhood that really lacked some of the bare essentials when it comes to emotional needs. I have this vague knowledge that my mom would comfort me when I cried, but I also have the same vague knowledge that it was highly dependent upon whether she agreed with why I was crying, otherwise I probably only had myself to blame for whatever I was upset about. I can't judge how it was based on our relationship now, because I keep all of my emotions to myself, unless they would please her. Unhealthy, probably. Oh well. And I also have one specific memory of my father just staring at me from across the room while I cried.

Ok, I'll stop myself now, because I feel like I'm making this up. Just feeling very defeated right now and like my existence is pointless. I have no idea what my session will be like tomorrow, because I'm completely clueless as to whether I will still be feeling these same things or if I will have snapped back to 'myself' by then.

Sorry for the whiney post.

Not at all a whiny post, rather, a very honest and from the heart post...it makes perfiect sense that you would only express to your mom emotions that please her, after a childhood where only crying that was "agreed with" would be comforted. That screws with our ability to form normal relationship, and messes with our ability to feel or express emotions- we will avoid vulnerability at all costs. This is deeply painful stuff...do not underestimate the work you are doing...I do not think you are "making it all up." Not at all.

((((Kashley))))

I also wanted to add, that I am so sorry about the experience of your father just staring at you while you cried...that is truly horrible. Now hearing me say that, if you are like me, will begin to feel that you must be making that memory up, too...sometimes that happens to me. My SD really encouraged me to reveal some stuff from that past that I was pretty certain happened, and it's amazing how quickly the memory felt unreal as soon as I started to reveal it...but it revealing it to him, it is now a memory that I claim and no longer doubt. It's a very painful memory, but it's *mine.* Does this make any sense?
I also know that pain of crying alone, especially is painful when someone who *could* help, chooses not to, but just stares at you or slinks off. That is why I find it so painful to cry in T, I think. Nobody ever hugged or soothed me, so when T is just sitting there letting me cry and looking at me, that's just no fun, the crying just gets worse sometimes, I have to shut it off, or I'll never stop. I am so glad you have a T who is willing to use touch...that seems SO important with what you are dealing with. Sometimes I wonder if my T touches his realtime clients. But that thought just triggers me, so I try not to think about that question too much.
I hope so much your session went well, and you could find some peace inside...all my feathers have been crossed for you.

Love,

BB

BB, you have been so supportive...I really appreciate it much more than I can ever say. It does make sense, what you're saying about sharing memories. I guess it's like, in verbalizing the memory to someone safe and caring, they then become a 'witness' to your pain and can validate it as real and genuine, which makes it easier to believe that the memory itself is also real and genuine. I haven't had this experience with memories, considering there's so few that I've both remembered and shared with my T, but with some current stuff regarding my parents...sharing some of the thoughts and feelings I may have surrounding it makes it seem a little more real. In my head I may see something as manipulative, but I tend to have more faith that my perceptions are true if I share them with my T and get a validating response.

I'm sorry that the thought of your T touching clients in person is triggering...that sounds like it would be a very painful thing to think about, so I completely understand the need to not think about it. I think I may have some of the fear that you talk about, in the thought that the tears will never stop. I know that's probably a big reason why I have been so hesitant to allow myself to cry in session.

As far as my session goes... my T called me this morning to see if I would be able to come an hour earlier so that we could be in her normal office. She shares her office with a colleague, and we were going to have to be in another office if I came at my scheduled time, and I've been uncomfortable and kind of shut down every time we're not in her office. Anyway, having it an hour earlier had me kind of running to get there on time, and I was still a few minutes late. But I was still in 'go mode' from doing one thing after another so it took most of the session for me to settle down and actually be there in the room.

She first said that we had spent a long time apart and was wondering how I was. Of course, my mind was so blank that I couldn't even remember the past two weeks in that moment. I just asked her if it would be complete crazy if I said that I can't remember right now. So the beginning of the session was just chit chat, and that's really all I could manage anyway, because of how empty I was.

My T never tends to bring things up unless I do, but she mentioned early on in the session that it was okay if I was angry with her for leaving, even though I wasn't. But she said she wanted me to know that it would be okay to feel that way and to talk about it if I do find that I feel angry with her. I said that I never really get angry, and she just said that maybe that's only because I learned that it wasn't acceptable to be angry so I buried the feeling. Later in the session I told her that I think I convinced myself that I wasn't really in therapy. I don't really know how she would have predicted that I would feel/think like that while she was gone, but she told me that she had been afraid of that, and that was why she had been wondering if I was angry. ??? I haven't quite figured that one out yet. But she also said that she wasn't trying to tell me what I might be feeling (and am just not aware of) but that maybe her being gone made me feel like I had been abandoned, and that was okay too, if I felt that way.

About midway through the session, I guess I started to dissociate a bit. The whole world got a little fuzzy around the edges. This was about the time when I had finally slowed down from having to be out and about all day, and I guess it hit me that I really was in therapy and was in the room with my T. I was fairly quiet throughout the rest of the session, but I did tell my T several times that I thought I was making everything up. She would mention something I said that seemed like a plausible explanation for any of the feelings that I felt like I was making up, and I would just ask her, but what if I'm making that up too? I wonder if my playing the devil's advocate annoyed her...

When we went to schedule another session, she said we could try and squeeze in another one this week, but I said that I would be fine until next week. Sometimes I really hate that I can sound so perfectly fine when I say things, because I know I did a good job of that when I told her I'd be good until next week. I know she would have asked me again if it sounded like I was just saying that to placate her. I feel spoiled since I've had two sessions/week lately and I feel bad for griping about not having a second one. I was too afraid to ask. And I keep thinking that if I was really so badly off that I needed the second session, I would have been able to remember how I felt and tell my T about it. I really barely told my T how I felt over the break, because I both felt like I was making it up (same old, same old) and I didn't want to be a drama queen.

Anyway, we originally worked out a time on Monday, but then an hour or so after my session she called and said that she had a doctor's appointment that had just been scheduled and the only time that she could do it was 20 minutes before my session on Monday. Because our schedules conflicted a lot, my session is now next Wednesday. Again, I do feel really guilty for complaining about the length between sessions...I guess it just seems harder right now to switch back to once a week right after she's been gone for two weeks. Boy, but a week from today seems so, SO far away right now.

My session was in no way bad, but I almost feel more alone than I did while she was gone since I feel like I didn't say what I wanted to today, even though I'm not even quite sure what that is. Well, I think that's the main thing. I knew, sitting in the session, that there were things I was feeling that I wanted to tell my T, but I didn't know how to tell her and I also didn't know how to tell her that I didn't know how to tell her!

Anyway, I've really rambled on a ton... thanks, everyone.

Hi, Kashley...thanks for sharing about your session with us... wow, I can relate to that sense of needing so much comfort, and not being able to allow yourself to get it because you feel you are "making it all up." I've started to get around this a little bit, by sharing the feelings and thoughts that I think I am making up, without actually saying "I feel I am making this up" or whatever, but kind of "pretending" for lack of a btter word, that I am not in fact making it up. I can't really believe that I'm not making it up...but what if I wasn't, and then just said it like that...to see what happens...I made a little bit of headway in opening up to my T this way. It's really tough slogging through this. Nothing feels real. ugh. But I needed to spend a fair bit of time playing "devil's advocate" against myself, just to get the information I needed...I guess, before I felt brave enough to allow myself to try this dreadful experiment in saying what I think or feel without immediately judging it as a lie or made up. I still feel like I'm, "reverse acting," for lack of better way to put it. But making a little bit of headway in imagining at least, that my feelings and reactions are real.

quote:

sharing some of the thoughts and feelings I may have surrounding it makes it seem a little more real. In my head I may see something as manipulative, but I tend to have more faith that my perceptions are true if I share them with my T and get a validating response.

Amen...this is what needs to keep happening, so that you will begin to believe yourself and your reactions, and begin to feel more real. The more you can speak to your T and get this essentila validation, the more this will happen, and you will find gradually, very gradually that your feelings begin to feel more real and more natuarally a part of you. This is how it is playing out for me, at least. Ugh it is slow going though, but, well worth it. I would rather be in pain and know it's real, and part of me- than feel happy and feel like I'm having an "out-of body-expereince.."

quote:

I don't really know how she would have predicted that I would feel/think like that while she was gone, but she told me that she had been afraid of that, and that was why she had been wondering if I was angry. ??? I haven't quite figured that one out yet.

This is a tough one...I don't relaly understand it either. how does it follow that, because you have to pretend everything's ok inside and you are not in therapy during a break, that means that you must be angry? ??? cunfusing. I think you have a pretty good question for her there, well worth exploring, most likely!

quote:

Sometimes I really hate that I can sound so perfectly fine when I say things, because I know I did a good job of that when I told her I'd be good until next week. I know she would have asked me again if it sounded like I was just saying that to placate her. I feel spoiled since I've had two sessions/week lately and I feel bad for griping about not having a second one. I was too afraid to ask. And I keep thinking that if I was really so badly off that I needed the second session, I would have been able to remember how I felt and tell my T about it. I really barely told my T how I felt over the break, because I both felt like I was making it up (same old, same old) and I didn't want to be a drama queen.

Ok...I wnat to say something here, that you cant ake or leave...it goes like this, and it is only *potentially* true of your reaction here, but I know it is how this little thing plays out for me, and since we seem to have so much in common, I thought I'd share, in case it's helpful. If not leave it alone...obviously.
SO...your T *offers* you an extra session. You say, very convincingly, "No, I'll be fine." your T takes that as the truth, of course because she has to take you at your word. You may, if you are like me, be hoping she will say " Are you SURE??? It really is ok, if you take another session. In fact, I really think you should, you need need it...go ahead." Since this kind of reassurance isn't forthcoming, you put up the defence..."No, I don't need it, I'll be fine." To protect against the guilty feelings of actually needing another session. At the smae time (potentially) you may be feeling "Gosh I'm a good actress- but that's better than putting on an act and pretending like I need another session, which is just so drama-queen that's it's not funny-or- EVEN WORSE, acting less convincing so that my T will placate me, and then allow me to take another session! eek- I can't do that." In both scenarios, (all three?) the critical voice is making yourself into "an acress..." if I'm right here...So-which one is the real actress? The one who needs a session, or the one who does NOT need a session? Or the one who may be tempted to get you to sound like you are placating her in order to get her to offer again, making it easier to accept this time? I'll submit to you, that the one who is *really* putting on an act, and a very convincing, guilt-inducing one at that, is the one who is pretending NOT to need another session, and stomping all over your *feelings.* Your feelings, a tender part of who you are, my T calls "the inner child." That you have so expertly learned to ignore-and berate-so harshley- because you *had* to. (Please know, this is how I experience this setup, and may not be a reflection of your setup at all) But sometimes, -just sometimes- when I am able to think clearly enough to separate things like this, and become aware for a short period of time (as in right now, in fact) I'm allowed at that point to *have* my real feelings. Which always comes as a huge relief! This is all stuff I learned from my SD and my T. I hope it's not cart before the horse, for you, maybe you are not there yet, and I don't wnat to interfere in the work you are doing.

I hope this helps a bit, fwiw I would allow "your little girl" to have another session, if it's still a possibility.

Much love,

BB