I think part of me did want my T to ask me again if I wanted to meet this week, but I think that there is also another part that fully believes I must make myself able to wait until next week, because that's all I need and deserve. Yes, I'd rather deal with the miserable, lonely and lost feelings while waiting until next week than having to deal with the guilt over asking for another session. And if I had gotten a second session, I would have been too afraid to talk about my guilty feelings regarding it, because I've talked about that a few times before and I'd be afraid that I'd just make my T sick of me. And, on top of that, in a second session I probably would have talked about more of the depressing things I'm feeling (I did mention some in my session, but I kind of skimmed over most of it), but I'm also afraid of being too depressing and pessimistic and defeated. And a second session and discussing those things go hand-in-hand, in my mind at least. Well, I know that that's the only way I can justify to myself for having another session, is to give her a reason why I wanted and needed the second session. I'm just at this point that I don't believe myself when I feel like I want and need a second session. So I override that part and just say I'm fine. My T does take me at my word, though I know she pays attention to my tone, too. Once when we were scheduling a session, she said that we would need to be in another office and asked me if I was okay with that. I said that that was fine, but the first time I said it, I know I didn't sound very sure of it and she just kept looking at me until I answered her again and she could feel more sure that I meant what I was saying.
A while ago my T mentioned the inner child and how she views my feelings as being my inner child. She said this when I said how something I felt was stupid. I guess she was trying to get me to see it in a third person kind of view, that I wouldn't call a child stupid, and if my feelings are those of a child (I can't view the child as me, or I would still call them all sorts of names), then I wouldn't call it stupid.
I'm not really in my right mind at the current moment..I should probably just stop. Thanks, BB. I've been really, really berating myself lately. I guess I don't really want to go into why, but I just want to thank you again.
(((((((Kashley))))))))
huge hugs...so sorry. We are here. You absolutley do deserve to have another session, and talk about all your depressing and miserable feelings...but I know it doesn't make you beleive it to hear me say it. But, I still am going to say it. Many, many hugs, be kind to yourself- you are hurting so badly right now.
BB
huge hugs...so sorry. We are here. You absolutley do deserve to have another session, and talk about all your depressing and miserable feelings...but I know it doesn't make you beleive it to hear me say it. But, I still am going to say it. Many, many hugs, be kind to yourself- you are hurting so badly right now.
BB
(((Kashley)))
I'm sorry that you had trouble settling into your session and that you feel as if you didn't really express to your T how you felt while she was gone. If it makes you feel any better, I did the exact same thing after my T came back in September. I was just barely hanging on and "faking it" during her vacation and finally got to my session and then I was so stuck in "keep it together" mode that I couldn't get near anything related to how I had felt with her being gone. I think there was a part of me that really was so shocked to realize that T was back and I was sitting in her office. It seemed surreal. So, I went in to my next session and started with that. I told T that the feelings about her being gone had not yet caught up with the realization that she had returned. It was a really good place to start and I was able to express the feelings around her being gone.
I'm not sure if that helps you or not, but I wanted you to know that I relate to your session. I hope that if you really do need the extra session that you can call your T and ask for it if it is still available. I know how hard that is, believe me!
I'm glad that the break is over for you and hope that things start to feel better soon.
I'm sorry that you had trouble settling into your session and that you feel as if you didn't really express to your T how you felt while she was gone. If it makes you feel any better, I did the exact same thing after my T came back in September. I was just barely hanging on and "faking it" during her vacation and finally got to my session and then I was so stuck in "keep it together" mode that I couldn't get near anything related to how I had felt with her being gone. I think there was a part of me that really was so shocked to realize that T was back and I was sitting in her office. It seemed surreal. So, I went in to my next session and started with that. I told T that the feelings about her being gone had not yet caught up with the realization that she had returned. It was a really good place to start and I was able to express the feelings around her being gone.
I'm not sure if that helps you or not, but I wanted you to know that I relate to your session. I hope that if you really do need the extra session that you can call your T and ask for it if it is still available. I know how hard that is, believe me!
I'm glad that the break is over for you and hope that things start to feel better soon.
Thanks BB and STRM. 
I know that you're break with your T is coming up soon, STRM...I really hope none of this is triggering for you. Please don't feel at all like you need to respond if you don't want to. But, yes, this is exactly how it was for me, too.
I'm just really getting nervous about the holidays. My T is up where I go to school, which is about 2 1/2 hours away from home. During Thanksgiving there may be another gap between sessions (not too long, though), but Christmas...it could be a few weeks, and I'm really scared.
I don't know what to think of all this...it's like I have a scrambler in my head and I can't even spit out anything of what I'm feeling to be able to sort it out. So it's just all trapped inside. The week is over now, but it probably wouldn't have been possible to get a second session with my school/work schedule. I was going to have a session on Monday, but since that didn't work out, the only other time we can both meet is on Wednesday. We have to be in another office, too.
Anyway, thanks for the support during the break...it really helped so much.
quote:I was just barely hanging on and "faking it" during her vacation and finally got to my session and then I was so stuck in "keep it together" mode that I couldn't get near anything related to how I had felt with her being gone. I think there was a part of me that really was so shocked to realize that T was back and I was sitting in her office. It seemed surreal.
I know that you're break with your T is coming up soon, STRM...I really hope none of this is triggering for you. Please don't feel at all like you need to respond if you don't want to. But, yes, this is exactly how it was for me, too.
I'm just really getting nervous about the holidays. My T is up where I go to school, which is about 2 1/2 hours away from home. During Thanksgiving there may be another gap between sessions (not too long, though), but Christmas...it could be a few weeks, and I'm really scared.
I don't know what to think of all this...it's like I have a scrambler in my head and I can't even spit out anything of what I'm feeling to be able to sort it out. So it's just all trapped inside. The week is over now, but it probably wouldn't have been possible to get a second session with my school/work schedule. I was going to have a session on Monday, but since that didn't work out, the only other time we can both meet is on Wednesday. We have to be in another office, too.
Anyway, thanks for the support during the break...it really helped so much.
quote:I'm just really getting nervous about the holidays. My T is up where I go to school, which is about 2 1/2 hours away from home. During Thanksgiving there may be another gap between sessions (not too long, though), but Christmas...it could be a few weeks, and I'm really scared.
That is very understandable. You've just come off of a break and here you are looking at another long break not too far out. In addition you will be leaving the familiarity of your school routine and living situation and that (for me) is always enough to shake things up a bit.
I hope that your session on Wednesday goes well and you will be able to let your guard down enough to express your concerns to T.
HI Kashley ... I'm pretty old now .... but I remember how awful it was being in school and not being able to see my T except during the school year .... I really hated that ... I feel for you .... Can your T make arrangements for contact during the break?
That's a great idea, Liese...maybe phone sessions just over the break?
BB
BB
Hello Kashley I’m sorry I haven’t been around to post on your thread but want you to know I feel really sad for you - and can so relate to how you feel about feeling unreal, undeserving, all the things you were really brave to post about here.
I guess I can also understand that even though T is now back, it’s hard to try and get back into it because she’s clearing off again soon. I’m so sorry - it just sucks. I only hope that you will reconnect with her in your next session and maybe spend some time talking about what the break means for you. As Liese and BB suggested, maybe talk with her about things she can set up to help you through her absence?
Good luck with Wednesday’s session, let us know how it goes?
(((( Kashley ))))
LL
I guess I can also understand that even though T is now back, it’s hard to try and get back into it because she’s clearing off again soon. I’m so sorry - it just sucks. I only hope that you will reconnect with her in your next session and maybe spend some time talking about what the break means for you. As Liese and BB suggested, maybe talk with her about things she can set up to help you through her absence?
Good luck with Wednesday’s session, let us know how it goes?
(((( Kashley ))))
LL
STRM, Liese, BB, LL - I'm so grateful to all of you for taking the time to respond..
I am hoping to tell my T more about how I felt over the break and how I feel with more breaks coming up. I had some time to kill today and started thinking about what I would say, about how much I felt that I could say, and the thought just freezes me up. Why is it so hard to admit that I need my T? We both know it, but I just can't talk about it.
Thanks, Liese, for bringing up the phone sessions. I haven't really had to deal with time apart due to being at home since I worked and took classes all summer which allowed me to stay here (and avoid going home..). I get so frustrated with myself (and really fear that my T does also), because I won't call her. My fear of calling her should probably be considered pathological.
I've only ever talked to her on the phone for a few seconds at a time (for scheduling...a couple times was to check in because I had agreed I would) and even in those short periods I completely clammed up. Something about the phone just gets to me.
LL, you really have nothing to apologize for. I'm just so sorry for what you're dealing with. I am really hoping that we can reconnect a bit, but I'm scared it won't happen. We have to be in another office. Two other times we've had to be in a different office, but it's always been the same one (though I've never really been comfortable there), but I don't think we'll be in that same office and it's going to make it really hard to relax enough that I can even remember what I have done the past few weeks. I'm going to try not to go into it thinking that it's a lost cause, but it's hard.
Thanks again, all...if I'm being completely honest, with each post I keep loathing myself more and more because of how unable I am to do anything to change things. I feel like I'm permanently stuck from the fear of doing anything wrong, and I'm wondering how you all can put up with that...hearing me talk about all my problems when I won't do anything about them. And of course I'm also afraid that this post will seem like a bid for attention, and that's not what I intend for it to be at all. Well, I'm just rambling now.
I am hoping to tell my T more about how I felt over the break and how I feel with more breaks coming up. I had some time to kill today and started thinking about what I would say, about how much I felt that I could say, and the thought just freezes me up. Why is it so hard to admit that I need my T? We both know it, but I just can't talk about it.
Thanks, Liese, for bringing up the phone sessions. I haven't really had to deal with time apart due to being at home since I worked and took classes all summer which allowed me to stay here (and avoid going home..). I get so frustrated with myself (and really fear that my T does also), because I won't call her. My fear of calling her should probably be considered pathological.
I've only ever talked to her on the phone for a few seconds at a time (for scheduling...a couple times was to check in because I had agreed I would) and even in those short periods I completely clammed up. Something about the phone just gets to me.LL, you really have nothing to apologize for. I'm just so sorry for what you're dealing with. I am really hoping that we can reconnect a bit, but I'm scared it won't happen. We have to be in another office. Two other times we've had to be in a different office, but it's always been the same one (though I've never really been comfortable there), but I don't think we'll be in that same office and it's going to make it really hard to relax enough that I can even remember what I have done the past few weeks. I'm going to try not to go into it thinking that it's a lost cause, but it's hard.
Thanks again, all...if I'm being completely honest, with each post I keep loathing myself more and more because of how unable I am to do anything to change things. I feel like I'm permanently stuck from the fear of doing anything wrong, and I'm wondering how you all can put up with that...hearing me talk about all my problems when I won't do anything about them. And of course I'm also afraid that this post will seem like a bid for attention, and that's not what I intend for it to be at all. Well, I'm just rambling now.
kashley
kashley you ARE doing something about it, you're posting here and putting your thoughts together as well as seeking out some support. Nobody would ever get fed up with you for sounding out of expressing how you feel, that's what the forum is for after all I think you're really brave for putting your needs out there,
Hugs,
starfish
quote:and I'm wondering how you all can put up with that...hearing me talk about all my problems when I won't do anything about them.
kashley you ARE doing something about it, you're posting here and putting your thoughts together as well as seeking out some support. Nobody would ever get fed up with you for sounding out of expressing how you feel, that's what the forum is for after all
I think you're really brave for putting your needs out there,Hugs,
starfish
Hi Kashley,
I just wanted to offer my support. My T was on vacation for 5 weeks in September. It felt like eternity. Our last session before she left we started talking about some trauma stuff. Not a good thing to do before she left. When she came back there was a big adjustment and I quit therapy. (only for a few days.) Even now it's hard connecting with her. I'm hanging in there and hoping things get back to normal. I hope things go well for you and just take one day at a time.
PG
I just wanted to offer my support. My T was on vacation for 5 weeks in September. It felt like eternity. Our last session before she left we started talking about some trauma stuff. Not a good thing to do before she left. When she came back there was a big adjustment and I quit therapy. (only for a few days.) Even now it's hard connecting with her. I'm hanging in there and hoping things get back to normal. I hope things go well for you and just take one day at a time.
PG
dear Kashley- this is a bit risky, jumping in here, without even managed to read all this, just wanted very much to "voice" my support to you as well. I am so glad to see that you have recieved so much support here allready.
You seem to struggle with things that are so understandable for meny uf us here. The wanting to connect with t (and the fear of not being able to, when actually sitting there with T, and having the opportunity to), the need to be able to talk about your fears for the upcomming vacation, the worries about the office-room, the shame (?) of talking about how much you need your T, the battling with the Phone-calls- oh boy, do i relate to that one. All of it makes sense and is "easy" to relate to kashely. Thats not helpful itself maybe, but by talking about this, little by little, it will be better, and if you manage to let your T know more of these worries, i bet some of the fears and worries will fade away. Thats usually the case- being heard and understood happens to have major "therapeutic effects"
About the phoning; no wonder why thats hard, only hearaing T`s voice, without the room as context, is indeed weird and can be uncomfortable. I only spoken to my T twice on phone and it was both times so unfamiliar and weird (i think for T as well) and disturbing.
I am sure its important with stability about the room- having one room that you can "attache" too, and feel safe in. Changing office is indeed disturbing and stressful. I also freezed up when we once had to be in another office. It was like my T changed too, y`no?
Kashley- let us know how the session goes- and keep post here in the meantime if it still helps you. In the mean time, i will also re-read this thread, in order to contribute with something more helpful to you. I also want to say i am glad you are here, and that i look forwared to get to know you better.
take good care
(((kashely)))
You seem to struggle with things that are so understandable for meny uf us here. The wanting to connect with t (and the fear of not being able to, when actually sitting there with T, and having the opportunity to), the need to be able to talk about your fears for the upcomming vacation, the worries about the office-room, the shame (?) of talking about how much you need your T, the battling with the Phone-calls- oh boy, do i relate to that one. All of it makes sense and is "easy" to relate to kashely. Thats not helpful itself maybe, but by talking about this, little by little, it will be better, and if you manage to let your T know more of these worries, i bet some of the fears and worries will fade away. Thats usually the case- being heard and understood happens to have major "therapeutic effects"
About the phoning; no wonder why thats hard, only hearaing T`s voice, without the room as context, is indeed weird and can be uncomfortable. I only spoken to my T twice on phone and it was both times so unfamiliar and weird (i think for T as well) and disturbing.
I am sure its important with stability about the room- having one room that you can "attache" too, and feel safe in. Changing office is indeed disturbing and stressful. I also freezed up when we once had to be in another office. It was like my T changed too, y`no?
Kashley- let us know how the session goes- and keep post here in the meantime if it still helps you. In the mean time, i will also re-read this thread, in order to contribute with something more helpful to you. I also want to say i am glad you are here, and that i look forwared to get to know you better.
take good care
(((kashely)))
Kashley ... I am in agreement with Frog ... I have often felt the same way ... about needing my T and feeling so ashamed about needing him ... and knowing we both know I need him but not talking about it ... you will talk about it when you are ready .... don't be so hard on yourself ....
I give you a lot of courage for doing what you do and you're only in college ... when I went to a T in college, the first part of the semester, I did talk to him and I remember doing some childhood stuff with him ... but then I quit and went back (i was a little suicidal - not a good time to quit therapy) ... anyway when I went back, I couldn't talk to him at all ... he would ask me questions for an hour and I would just answer, I don't know ... I don't know ... it was brutal ... and i thought he probably hated me for making therapy so difficult ... I wanted so desperately to connect but i couldn't because i was in too much pain ....
It's only been since I've been in my mid forties that I've been able to stay in therapy and get passed my issues (well, not yet, keep your fingers crossed) .... so I really give you a lot of credit for hanging in there! You are doing a great job!
I give you a lot of courage for doing what you do and you're only in college ... when I went to a T in college, the first part of the semester, I did talk to him and I remember doing some childhood stuff with him ... but then I quit and went back (i was a little suicidal - not a good time to quit therapy) ... anyway when I went back, I couldn't talk to him at all ... he would ask me questions for an hour and I would just answer, I don't know ... I don't know ... it was brutal ... and i thought he probably hated me for making therapy so difficult ... I wanted so desperately to connect but i couldn't because i was in too much pain ....
It's only been since I've been in my mid forties that I've been able to stay in therapy and get passed my issues (well, not yet, keep your fingers crossed) .... so I really give you a lot of credit for hanging in there! You are doing a great job!
Starfish, Draggers, PG, Frog, Liese - I just wanted to let you know that I've read all of your posts. I won't be able to give much a response tonight, so I want to wait and repsond later. I just had to let you all know how thankful I am.
Starfish, Draggers - thank you both so much. You are so sweet and giving. There's nothing to apologize for, Draggers. You have been and are going through so much that I'm touched you'd reach out to me. I worry so much (a.k.a. all the time) that I've dealt with nothing that's hard at all, I'm just making it hard. So your (and everyone else's) generosity means a lot to me.
PG - I remember your post about how you started going through some trauma stuff right before your T's break. I'm sorry I didn't offer you support then...I guess I wasn't quite sure what to say. I'm sorry that things are still rough with your T. I really hope that you'll be able to reconnect with her soon and get some of the stability that you need.
Frog - talking about how you relate to these things is helpful, so thank you. I guess it makes it easier to seem like, if someone else here on the forum has experienced this, my T has probably seen it, too. That only makes it a tiny, minuscule of a fraction easier, but that's something. Yes, I do feel loads of shame for needing my T. It's hard to admit to myself, too, because the shame is so..huge and hard to deal with.
With the phone, well, I've never thought of myself as being huge on reading body language and all, but I think I must. It makes me so uncomfortable to not be able to see someone to gauge how they are reacting to what I'm saying. Then I don't know if I've said something wrong or what. I'm also constantly afraid of being an inconvenience to her, even if she's said I'm not. It doesn't matter if she says she doesn't care if I call in the middle of the night...I'm still going to think it matters!
I hadn't thought that I was 'attached' to my T's office, but after not being in there a couple of times, I guess I am. I just stay in my 'everything's perfectly fine, because I don't have any emotions' mode.
What you've contributed already is helpful, Frog…thank you so much. And I hope you know, I'm glad you're here, too.
Liese, I appreciate you telling me about your experience…I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think the thing about needing my T but being afraid to talk about it is the fact that we both know. It makes me feel like I'm purposefully being stubborn or difficult by not just admitting it and I guess I cringe knowing that my T is placating me by allowing me to have my time (which is a very good thing) - I keep thinking that she must think I'm so weak to not be able to talk about it. I know I'm really hard on myself, but I guess I feel like I have to be…?
Thank you for telling me I have courage. Ha, I don't believe it, but it's nice to hear something besides my cruel inner critic. I often answer "I don't know" in sessions, and it makes me feel so useless. What you said kind of summarizes my whole session last time, that I kept saying I don't know, felt useless, but wanted desperately to connect even though I couldn't say anything. I'm glad that you're experiencing a better go around of therapy this time.
I don't have much to say about thoughts/feelings coming up before my session, because I've barely had any. I feel so numb right now and have been for the past day or so. Things were kind of rough right after my session and for a few days, but now…it's all gone. It makes it so easy to believe that none of this exists, that I'm not in therapy and that there haven't been some kind of serious things that I've dealt with, because when I'm in this state, they really don't exist. Those parts of me don't exist. It's so frustrating though, because things could get rough over Thanksgiving, and I desperately need to open up to my T about it.
You all have been so amazing to me.
PG - I remember your post about how you started going through some trauma stuff right before your T's break. I'm sorry I didn't offer you support then...I guess I wasn't quite sure what to say. I'm sorry that things are still rough with your T. I really hope that you'll be able to reconnect with her soon and get some of the stability that you need.
Frog - talking about how you relate to these things is helpful, so thank you. I guess it makes it easier to seem like, if someone else here on the forum has experienced this, my T has probably seen it, too. That only makes it a tiny, minuscule of a fraction easier, but that's something.
Yes, I do feel loads of shame for needing my T. It's hard to admit to myself, too, because the shame is so..huge and hard to deal with.With the phone, well, I've never thought of myself as being huge on reading body language and all, but I think I must. It makes me so uncomfortable to not be able to see someone to gauge how they are reacting to what I'm saying. Then I don't know if I've said something wrong or what. I'm also constantly afraid of being an inconvenience to her, even if she's said I'm not. It doesn't matter if she says she doesn't care if I call in the middle of the night...I'm still going to think it matters!
I hadn't thought that I was 'attached' to my T's office, but after not being in there a couple of times, I guess I am. I just stay in my 'everything's perfectly fine, because I don't have any emotions' mode.
What you've contributed already is helpful, Frog…thank you so much. And I hope you know, I'm glad you're here, too.
Liese, I appreciate you telling me about your experience…I can relate to a lot of what you said. I think the thing about needing my T but being afraid to talk about it is the fact that we both know. It makes me feel like I'm purposefully being stubborn or difficult by not just admitting it and I guess I cringe knowing that my T is placating me by allowing me to have my time (which is a very good thing) - I keep thinking that she must think I'm so weak to not be able to talk about it. I know I'm really hard on myself, but I guess I feel like I have to be…?
Thank you for telling me I have courage. Ha, I don't believe it, but it's nice to hear something besides my cruel inner critic. I often answer "I don't know" in sessions, and it makes me feel so useless. What you said kind of summarizes my whole session last time, that I kept saying I don't know, felt useless, but wanted desperately to connect even though I couldn't say anything. I'm glad that you're experiencing a better go around of therapy this time.
I don't have much to say about thoughts/feelings coming up before my session, because I've barely had any. I feel so numb right now and have been for the past day or so. Things were kind of rough right after my session and for a few days, but now…it's all gone. It makes it so easy to believe that none of this exists, that I'm not in therapy and that there haven't been some kind of serious things that I've dealt with, because when I'm in this state, they really don't exist. Those parts of me don't exist. It's so frustrating though, because things could get rough over Thanksgiving, and I desperately need to open up to my T about it.
You all have been so amazing to me.
Hi, Kashley...just wondering if you've had another session yet, and if your numbness is still hanging in there....hope you are doing ok, girl...thinking of you...
Beebs
Beebs
Hi Kashley .... I have often felt exactly the same way about the phone ... I don't like talking to my T on the phone ..... I'd much rather see him in person ....
Well, I was kind of going through that phase again with my current T and the I don't know stuff ..... until recently when I shared with him all the stuff floating around my head ... does it float around your head too??? It's almost like not a part of me .... I can tell you what floats around my head but I can't tell you what I'm feeling ..... Disconnected???
Anyway, just to tell you that it generally has had a positive outcome - telling him what's been floating around my head ... it made things 1000 times better ... at least for now ....
I'm guessing that what I've been running from is my own pain ... and let me tell you, when I let myself feel it, it hits me like a mack truck ... and that's where the outside support is good, I think ..... it's so hard to go through this alone ... and it's not like anyone in the general population would really understand unless they'd been through therapy ... so maybe you are not ready yet .... and i love what Suzanne Lacombe, creator of this website said about titration ... my quick understanding of it is ... letting the pain out slowly .....
So do try not to expect too much of yourself .... try to tell your T what's floating around in your head (at Halloween time, I called them the little witches on broomsticks) ... only if you can .... maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to connect right now ....
It's okay to be scared .... Maybe part of it is just learning to accept whatever state we happen to be in at the present moment and just experience it ... and not judge it or push it aside .... It just is ....
Well, I was kind of going through that phase again with my current T and the I don't know stuff ..... until recently when I shared with him all the stuff floating around my head ... does it float around your head too??? It's almost like not a part of me .... I can tell you what floats around my head but I can't tell you what I'm feeling ..... Disconnected???
Anyway, just to tell you that it generally has had a positive outcome - telling him what's been floating around my head ... it made things 1000 times better ... at least for now ....
I'm guessing that what I've been running from is my own pain ... and let me tell you, when I let myself feel it, it hits me like a mack truck ... and that's where the outside support is good, I think ..... it's so hard to go through this alone ... and it's not like anyone in the general population would really understand unless they'd been through therapy ... so maybe you are not ready yet .... and i love what Suzanne Lacombe, creator of this website said about titration ... my quick understanding of it is ... letting the pain out slowly .....
So do try not to expect too much of yourself .... try to tell your T what's floating around in your head (at Halloween time, I called them the little witches on broomsticks) ... only if you can .... maybe you're putting too much pressure on yourself to connect right now ....
It's okay to be scared .... Maybe part of it is just learning to accept whatever state we happen to be in at the present moment and just experience it ... and not judge it or push it aside .... It just is ....
Thanks Kashley, no apologizes needed. There are many times I don't know what to say to people. I'm still trying to work things out. I hope you are feeling better. Take care
PG
PG
Hi Preppie Girl,
Just wanted to say hi ... I don't think we've met you ... Hope you are okay ....
Liese
Just wanted to say hi ... I don't think we've met you ... Hope you are okay ....
Liese
PG .. meant to say, I don't think we've met yet ... but my fingers type too fast sometimes!
Thank you BB, Liese, PG..
Liese - it does help to tell my T what I have floating around my head, but often it's too scrambled for me to even figure out how to explain what it is. Yes, I think the disconnection that you talk about is a lot of why it doesn't feel like it belongs to you. It's one of the biggest reasons why I feel like I make everything up.
I had a session this afternoon, and there did end up being a lot of connection, but just not the way I expected. I don't know how, but we ended up in her office, which I'm very thankful for. We got around to talking about my dad and how he reacts when he's angry (not physical..just verbal) and how it makes me feel when he gets that way. Something about the way I phrased something in my description of how I feel reminded my T of how a child would describe it. Soon after that, I suddenly realized that I felt scared. I sat still and quiet for a bit before I finally told my T. The fear..it seemed to come in waves. A few times it felt like it completely washed over me from head to toe. T asked some questions and also asked if I knew of something that would help ease the fear a bit. After a thousand 'I don't know's' I ended up wrapping myself up in her blanket. I was still quiet and shaking...my mind was blank, but the fear was still there. And it just compounded upon itself, because I was scared that I was scared and I didn't know why. T said that getting just the feelings without any other information is what will eventually start to answer questions, but she also said that she understands that it's not a pleasant thing. I normally don't have the greatest eye contact in session - my eyes will kind of flit around the room - but today I kept looking over at the door, and T noticed and asked if there was something that was bothering me. I told her no, but I guess I kept glancing at the door. It's so odd, because I didn't feel that part of my fear stemmed from being worried about someone coming through the door or whatever, but I found that I kept glancing over there. T said that we could lock it or put a chair under it if that would help me feel more safe. I said that she didn't need to, because I didn't think I was scared of that, but I still don't know why I kept looking there.
T asked if there was anything else that I felt would help, and I said that I couldn't ask. Eventually, my T sort of filled in what I was trying to say (which was that I wanted to be held), so we both sat on the floor, and I stayed wrapped in the blanket and she held me. I didn't say anything for a long time, but I was just breathing fast and still shaking. She was saying stuff to me, trying to help me come up with ways to keep the scared part of me safe. Some of what she said...it was so caring, and I actually started to cry a bit, which has only happened once before - and barely at that. Later in the session she told me that, if I wanted, I could try to remember and internalize what it felt like to have her hold me and keep me safe so that I could remember that when I needed to.
I had calmed down a little by the end of the session, but I was still shaking. We had to be out of the room because her colleague had a session in there right after me, but she offered to walk around outside with me for a few minutes until I was a little more settled. At that point, I guess I was going back to my 'normal' mindset, and I was almost completely convinced that I had just been a big drama queen and that I wouldn't need that. So I said no, that she didn't need to do that. She offered again a couple minutes later, but I still said no. I felt bad, because my session ended up running a minute or two into the next hour, and when I walked out the other T and her patient were sitting in the waiting room, making chit chat while they waited. The other T had knocked on the door a few minutes earlier...I kept apologizing to my T because I felt bad for taking too long.
The whole thing actually really intimidates me - after the fact, I keep wondering if I really felt scared, because it seems like the only explanation is that there's something in the past that scared me.
And - honestly - I'm pretty nervous to post all of this..
Liese - it does help to tell my T what I have floating around my head, but often it's too scrambled for me to even figure out how to explain what it is. Yes, I think the disconnection that you talk about is a lot of why it doesn't feel like it belongs to you. It's one of the biggest reasons why I feel like I make everything up.
I had a session this afternoon, and there did end up being a lot of connection, but just not the way I expected. I don't know how, but we ended up in her office, which I'm very thankful for. We got around to talking about my dad and how he reacts when he's angry (not physical..just verbal) and how it makes me feel when he gets that way. Something about the way I phrased something in my description of how I feel reminded my T of how a child would describe it. Soon after that, I suddenly realized that I felt scared. I sat still and quiet for a bit before I finally told my T. The fear..it seemed to come in waves. A few times it felt like it completely washed over me from head to toe. T asked some questions and also asked if I knew of something that would help ease the fear a bit. After a thousand 'I don't know's' I ended up wrapping myself up in her blanket. I was still quiet and shaking...my mind was blank, but the fear was still there. And it just compounded upon itself, because I was scared that I was scared and I didn't know why. T said that getting just the feelings without any other information is what will eventually start to answer questions, but she also said that she understands that it's not a pleasant thing. I normally don't have the greatest eye contact in session - my eyes will kind of flit around the room - but today I kept looking over at the door, and T noticed and asked if there was something that was bothering me. I told her no, but I guess I kept glancing at the door. It's so odd, because I didn't feel that part of my fear stemmed from being worried about someone coming through the door or whatever, but I found that I kept glancing over there. T said that we could lock it or put a chair under it if that would help me feel more safe. I said that she didn't need to, because I didn't think I was scared of that, but I still don't know why I kept looking there.
T asked if there was anything else that I felt would help, and I said that I couldn't ask. Eventually, my T sort of filled in what I was trying to say (which was that I wanted to be held), so we both sat on the floor, and I stayed wrapped in the blanket and she held me. I didn't say anything for a long time, but I was just breathing fast and still shaking. She was saying stuff to me, trying to help me come up with ways to keep the scared part of me safe. Some of what she said...it was so caring, and I actually started to cry a bit, which has only happened once before - and barely at that. Later in the session she told me that, if I wanted, I could try to remember and internalize what it felt like to have her hold me and keep me safe so that I could remember that when I needed to.
I had calmed down a little by the end of the session, but I was still shaking. We had to be out of the room because her colleague had a session in there right after me, but she offered to walk around outside with me for a few minutes until I was a little more settled. At that point, I guess I was going back to my 'normal' mindset, and I was almost completely convinced that I had just been a big drama queen and that I wouldn't need that. So I said no, that she didn't need to do that. She offered again a couple minutes later, but I still said no. I felt bad, because my session ended up running a minute or two into the next hour, and when I walked out the other T and her patient were sitting in the waiting room, making chit chat while they waited. The other T had knocked on the door a few minutes earlier...I kept apologizing to my T because I felt bad for taking too long.
The whole thing actually really intimidates me - after the fact, I keep wondering if I really felt scared, because it seems like the only explanation is that there's something in the past that scared me.
And - honestly - I'm pretty nervous to post all of this..
Kashley, this sounds like such a productive session, in fact. I know that may seem like a strange response, but some stuff is starting to come up and out for you, now that you have someone safe to do that with who will not judge your emotions as false. Nothing that you are doing here is easy or uncomplicated, and I'm sure that your mind will continually question and judge your fearful emotions and try to stuff them back down "where they belong." My T always says that's it's like you need to throw up but you keep trying not to, but you won't feel better until you throw up. idk if that makes any sense or will do anything to get rid of that voice that tells you you are making it all up. Gosh some of this stuff feels like torture, sometimes, so just, be very gentle and trust your T, trust that she knows what's happening and wants to help you with it. You are in the process of uncovering a lot of junk, and it's no fun at all.
I am glad that you have such a supportive T, she sounds like she is right there for you, Kashley.
BB
I am glad that you have such a supportive T, she sounds like she is right there for you, Kashley.
BB
kashley
Gosh, I could have written most of your post myself. I have had that horrible feeling of fear in a session that just can't be pinpointed yet feels so overwhelming. I am glad that your T recognised it and responded in such a caringand supportive way, wrapping you in a blanket seemed wholly appropriate - I always get very shaky when frightened.
[QUOTET said that we could lock it or put a chair under it if that would help me feel more safe. I said that she didn't need to, because I didn't think I was scared of that, but I still don't know why I kept looking there.] [/QUOTE]
Hmmm, I do this a lot - I think from the feedback my T gives me it's more than I realise too. Sometimes it IS because I'm frightened of 'him' coming in the door again; other times I realise that it's a safety thing for me, that I need to have an escape rout visiblre to make me feel safe; and sometimes I want to have the courage to just get up and run away from it all, so find myself looking longingly at at the door. I don't know if any of this rings true for you kashley, but I'm glad T picked up on it and noticed what you were doing. Even if you don't know, or can't pinpoint these feelings to anything specific, it's good just to recognise them for what they are, and respect them too as being real and scary.
Thank you for being brave enough to share, take good care,
starfish
Gosh, I could have written most of your post myself. I have had that horrible feeling of fear in a session that just can't be pinpointed yet feels so overwhelming. I am glad that your T recognised it and responded in such a caringand supportive way, wrapping you in a blanket seemed wholly appropriate - I always get very shaky when frightened.
[QUOTET said that we could lock it or put a chair under it if that would help me feel more safe. I said that she didn't need to, because I didn't think I was scared of that, but I still don't know why I kept looking there.] [/QUOTE]
Hmmm, I do this a lot - I think from the feedback my T gives me it's more than I realise too. Sometimes it IS because I'm frightened of 'him' coming in the door again; other times I realise that it's a safety thing for me, that I need to have an escape rout visiblre to make me feel safe; and sometimes I want to have the courage to just get up and run away from it all, so find myself looking longingly at at the door. I don't know if any of this rings true for you kashley, but I'm glad T picked up on it and noticed what you were doing. Even if you don't know, or can't pinpoint these feelings to anything specific, it's good just to recognise them for what they are, and respect them too as being real and scary.
Thank you for being brave enough to share, take good care,
starfish
Hi Liese,
Nice to meet you too. I hope to get to know you better
PG
Nice to meet you too. I hope to get to know you better
PG
Kashley,
So happy for you that you could express your fears a little and your T could actually comfort you ..... Baby steps .... I'm hearing a common theme here and other places on the forum ... which is not taking our feelings seriously ..... maybe we were all told that we were drama queens??? My Dad used to tell me I was Sandra Bernhardt, some dramatic actress I'd never even heard of ... Constantly .... and I would go to the mirror and cry, "that's funny, they FEEL real ... but I guess they are not" .... could this be the reason we all doubt ourselves???? Even if we know the reason, I guess it really doesn't matter until we start to take our feelings seriously and believe in them ... no one else will .....
So happy for you that you could express your fears a little and your T could actually comfort you ..... Baby steps .... I'm hearing a common theme here and other places on the forum ... which is not taking our feelings seriously ..... maybe we were all told that we were drama queens??? My Dad used to tell me I was Sandra Bernhardt, some dramatic actress I'd never even heard of ... Constantly .... and I would go to the mirror and cry, "that's funny, they FEEL real ... but I guess they are not" .... could this be the reason we all doubt ourselves???? Even if we know the reason, I guess it really doesn't matter until we start to take our feelings seriously and believe in them ... no one else will .....
And hi again Preppie Girl!
Kashley,
It sounds like you had a really powerful session. I understand how scary it is to have those feelings that feel so big come up and to have no clue what they are about. In my experience it is much more unsettling than when the feelings come with images or other info that helps put them into context. I too have often stared at the door and sometimes will have this feeling of needing to flee, but I don't know why.
I just wanted to say that I am happy that you were able to wrap up in the blanket and that your T was able to realize what you needed and offer that. It's a huge step. (((hugs)))
It sounds like you had a really powerful session. I understand how scary it is to have those feelings that feel so big come up and to have no clue what they are about. In my experience it is much more unsettling than when the feelings come with images or other info that helps put them into context. I too have often stared at the door and sometimes will have this feeling of needing to flee, but I don't know why.
I just wanted to say that I am happy that you were able to wrap up in the blanket and that your T was able to realize what you needed and offer that. It's a huge step. (((hugs)))
DISCLAIMER: Kashley, I want to be very careful to express that I am making no assumptions about what you are remembering or about what might have happened to you. I am sharing my experience because I think you might find it reassuring to know that you are not alone in what you’re experiencing but I don’t want to give you the impression that I therefore think I know what happened or that you experienced the same things I did. The truth is that how we handle trauma as human beings tends to fall into broad categories and behaviors that have a lot to with physiology as much as personality, so no matter what we experienced, our ways of coping with it can portray broad similarites.
All that said, I am sorry for what you’re going through, I know how confusing it can be. I don’t have a lot of conscious memories that involve actual memories about my childhood. And any that I do have around the sexual abuse (I do remember my dad being angry and scary) I recovered when I was in my 30s. It is incredibly confusing to experience this type of memory. From birth to around the age of two, our frontal lobe is still developing and coming on-line so to speak, so we are laying down explicit memory, forming emotional and relational templates based on our experience but without being able to attach them to specific memories because we’re not yet capable of forming explicit memories (like what did I have for lunch yesterday?) That’s why most people can’t remember much, if anything, before the age of two. If we experience any kind of trauma, a very similar thing happens which is that when your limbic system and fear responses are highly activated, hormones released in your brain can interfere with your hippocampus, whose job it is to proces the incoming sights, sounds, and feelings and process it so you can store the memory. Do you know how if I asked you to recall a time last year where you enjoyed time with friend, you’ll remember the friend, remember what you were doing with them, even remember where you were and what it looks like, but there is certain remoteness. You can remember how you felt, but you’re not feeling it right now? If your hippocampus goes offline, then that processing doesn’t take place and the event gets stored “raw” for lack of a better word. It also often limits the information stored. Often, especially if you were disassociating, there are no sights, sounds or smells stored, only the emotions. And it can make you feel crazy when you feel it come out. Because you’re having such intense emotions but have nothing to attach them to, so it feels like you’re making them up. I don’t believe that you are. I’m really glad that you posted about it so you can hear that your experience isn’t unique to you.
I remember once really struggling to remember something, and my T asked me a specific question about what happened and I practically yelled, frustrated that I didn’t have any memories only these feelings. He very gently told me that you have memories of feelings. I think that’s what you’re having, memory of feelings.
I also wanted to tell you that being scared of being scared really resonated with me. My T started asking me about what it was that led me to start trusting him? And after sitting and thinking about it I told him he didn’t get angry when I got scared. The next day, I remembered an incident I had always known but hadn’t thought about in a very long time. We owned a sailboat when I was girl which was moored in a creek and we would use an engine with the sails down to move into the Delaware River and then raise sails. One day, late in the afternoon, we were returning from a sail and when my dad went to turn the engine on, it wouldn’t start. He was getting frustrated and upset trying to fix it and being only around 7 or 8 at the time, I got really scared. What were we going to do, how would we get off the boat. Now, as an adult I know we werent’ really in any danger, it wasn’t that big a creek and it wouldn’t have been hard for an adult to swim to shore. We were in a very populated area and not far from a phone or even help at the marina. But as a child, it felt overwhelming. Now an attuned caring parent would have handled it by reasurring me that things were under control and we were safe, we just needed to deal with the engine. But my dad basically yelled at, very angry, to stop crying and leave him alone so he could fix the engine. And when I remembered this, I also vividly remembered the horrible feeling of being scard of being scared. Because being scared was going to get me in more trouble, which made things even scarier. But I couldn’t get scared. I REMEMBERED pushing my feelings of fear away and down to try not to get my dad more upset. Do you know my T’s favorite description of therapy Having a place where its safe enough to feel scared.
You are doing good work, but it’s very hard work Kashley. Please keep coming here to talk about it so you have people who understand.
AG
All that said, I am sorry for what you’re going through, I know how confusing it can be. I don’t have a lot of conscious memories that involve actual memories about my childhood. And any that I do have around the sexual abuse (I do remember my dad being angry and scary) I recovered when I was in my 30s. It is incredibly confusing to experience this type of memory. From birth to around the age of two, our frontal lobe is still developing and coming on-line so to speak, so we are laying down explicit memory, forming emotional and relational templates based on our experience but without being able to attach them to specific memories because we’re not yet capable of forming explicit memories (like what did I have for lunch yesterday?) That’s why most people can’t remember much, if anything, before the age of two. If we experience any kind of trauma, a very similar thing happens which is that when your limbic system and fear responses are highly activated, hormones released in your brain can interfere with your hippocampus, whose job it is to proces the incoming sights, sounds, and feelings and process it so you can store the memory. Do you know how if I asked you to recall a time last year where you enjoyed time with friend, you’ll remember the friend, remember what you were doing with them, even remember where you were and what it looks like, but there is certain remoteness. You can remember how you felt, but you’re not feeling it right now? If your hippocampus goes offline, then that processing doesn’t take place and the event gets stored “raw” for lack of a better word. It also often limits the information stored. Often, especially if you were disassociating, there are no sights, sounds or smells stored, only the emotions. And it can make you feel crazy when you feel it come out. Because you’re having such intense emotions but have nothing to attach them to, so it feels like you’re making them up. I don’t believe that you are. I’m really glad that you posted about it so you can hear that your experience isn’t unique to you.
I remember once really struggling to remember something, and my T asked me a specific question about what happened and I practically yelled, frustrated that I didn’t have any memories only these feelings. He very gently told me that you have memories of feelings. I think that’s what you’re having, memory of feelings.
I also wanted to tell you that being scared of being scared really resonated with me. My T started asking me about what it was that led me to start trusting him? And after sitting and thinking about it I told him he didn’t get angry when I got scared. The next day, I remembered an incident I had always known but hadn’t thought about in a very long time. We owned a sailboat when I was girl which was moored in a creek and we would use an engine with the sails down to move into the Delaware River and then raise sails. One day, late in the afternoon, we were returning from a sail and when my dad went to turn the engine on, it wouldn’t start. He was getting frustrated and upset trying to fix it and being only around 7 or 8 at the time, I got really scared. What were we going to do, how would we get off the boat. Now, as an adult I know we werent’ really in any danger, it wasn’t that big a creek and it wouldn’t have been hard for an adult to swim to shore. We were in a very populated area and not far from a phone or even help at the marina. But as a child, it felt overwhelming. Now an attuned caring parent would have handled it by reasurring me that things were under control and we were safe, we just needed to deal with the engine. But my dad basically yelled at, very angry, to stop crying and leave him alone so he could fix the engine. And when I remembered this, I also vividly remembered the horrible feeling of being scard of being scared. Because being scared was going to get me in more trouble, which made things even scarier. But I couldn’t get scared. I REMEMBERED pushing my feelings of fear away and down to try not to get my dad more upset. Do you know my T’s favorite description of therapy Having a place where its safe enough to feel scared.
You are doing good work, but it’s very hard work Kashley. Please keep coming here to talk about it so you have people who understand.
AG
I just wanted to thank you all for such overwhelming support. It's very intimidating and scary - so it helps so much to know that I'm not alone. I've just been quiet and a little withdrawn lately, I guess. I will be back later to respond to each of you.
Thanks again to all.
Thanks again to all.
Hey again, all.
BB -
Yes - I keep doubting that what I felt was really fear. Why would I feel fear? Did I make myself breathe fast and shake and cry? Logically, I know that's probably not the case, but it's hard to believe.
I'm trying, and I'm trusting her more, especially that she'll accept all of my emotions. I'm still scared of some of them, but it's getting better. I am so aware of how many people on here are having really distressing problems with their Ts or with finding Ts, and it does make me hesitate to post some of this stuff. But I just have to say that my T really is great, for me at least. I got very lucky to find a T who has been able to roll with everything that comes up and knows how to handle it all so well even though I could never have anticipated any of this. That is the nature of good therapy, I suppose.
Starfish -
What's odd about the whole door thing is that I don't remember feeling anything about the door - I didn't feel like any of the fear I was feeling was related to the door. And yet I kept looking over there, enough so that my T noticed and made a comment. I don't know if that's just a coincidence or what. Nonetheless, it is reassuring that my T was aware enough to notice that I was constantly glancing back at it. If nothing else, that helps me know even more that my T was in the room with me, trying to help me in the best way she knows how.
Liese -
Yeah, denying feelings as not being 'real' is a fairly common theme, it seems. I think that so many on here have suffered from endless invalidation of our feelings for so long, so it makes the whole realm of feelings an unreality.
Right now I'm at the point where I'm dependent upon my T telling me that she believes my feelings are real. To be validated by another, they must also believe our feelings, so I think that's the crux of therapy. That belief in our feelings from a good, attuned T is what will help us learn to believe and trust ourselves that what we feel and experience is real.
STRM -
It was pretty unsettling to have the feelings without anything else to put it into context. Nonetheless, I am actually very glad that this session happened, that everything in it happened, because this is the first thing that has felt like true progress. Although I'm sure my T would beg to differ...she'd probably say that there has been plenty of other progress made.
AG -
I remember you saying somewhere else on the forum about your T telling you that you were having memories of feelings, and it made sense to me then (although I hadn't experienced that yet) and it makes a lot more sense to me now, too. I can relate to the general feeling of pushing feelings down to prevent consequences, although I don't have any conscious memories of it. Can I ask, was it validating to be able to remember a specific instance? I've told my T before that I sometimes think I'll only completely accept that I had a real reason to lock my feelings away when I can pinpoint a moment in time where I decided to do it. However irrational that may be, I think I'm still waiting for that moment on some level, even though I'm also trying to accept that it was probably just a slow build up of things.
I like your T's description of therapy, too. It almost felt like an epiphany on some level that it was okay to be scared in my T's office. Even though feeling scared also meant that some part of me felt unsafe, I still felt safe enough to trust that my T would listen to me and help me through the moment and try to understand what I was experiencing.
And for just a quick update - I was so overwhelmed by the session for the rest of the day following it that it was giving me a pressure-filled headache. And then, of course, I started getting sick the next day (yesterday), and I'm progressively getting worse today. Has anyone had that happen following an intense session? It seems like it was just a lot to take, and it reduced my resiliency, I guess. Anyway, I don't know what exactly it's from, but I've felt very numb since yesterday. Completely numb. Oh well.
I've been bowled over by all of the support you all have given me. If I weren't able to come here and get so much validation for things that I'm experiencing, I really think that I would be 10 steps back from where I am now.
BB -
quote:I'm sure that your mind will continually question and judge your fearful emotions and try to stuff them back down "where they belong.
Yes - I keep doubting that what I felt was really fear. Why would I feel fear? Did I make myself breathe fast and shake and cry? Logically, I know that's probably not the case, but it's hard to believe.
quote:be very gentle and trust your T, trust that she knows what's happening and wants to help you with it.
I'm trying, and I'm trusting her more, especially that she'll accept all of my emotions. I'm still scared of some of them, but it's getting better. I am so aware of how many people on here are having really distressing problems with their Ts or with finding Ts, and it does make me hesitate to post some of this stuff. But I just have to say that my T really is great, for me at least. I got very lucky to find a T who has been able to roll with everything that comes up and knows how to handle it all so well even though I could never have anticipated any of this. That is the nature of good therapy, I suppose.
Starfish -
What's odd about the whole door thing is that I don't remember feeling anything about the door - I didn't feel like any of the fear I was feeling was related to the door. And yet I kept looking over there, enough so that my T noticed and made a comment. I don't know if that's just a coincidence or what. Nonetheless, it is reassuring that my T was aware enough to notice that I was constantly glancing back at it. If nothing else, that helps me know even more that my T was in the room with me, trying to help me in the best way she knows how.
Liese -
Yeah, denying feelings as not being 'real' is a fairly common theme, it seems. I think that so many on here have suffered from endless invalidation of our feelings for so long, so it makes the whole realm of feelings an unreality.
quote:Even if we know the reason, I guess it really doesn't matter until we start to take our feelings seriously and believe in them ... no one else will .....
Right now I'm at the point where I'm dependent upon my T telling me that she believes my feelings are real. To be validated by another, they must also believe our feelings, so I think that's the crux of therapy. That belief in our feelings from a good, attuned T is what will help us learn to believe and trust ourselves that what we feel and experience is real.
STRM -
It was pretty unsettling to have the feelings without anything else to put it into context. Nonetheless, I am actually very glad that this session happened, that everything in it happened, because this is the first thing that has felt like true progress. Although I'm sure my T would beg to differ...she'd probably say that there has been plenty of other progress made.
AG -
I remember you saying somewhere else on the forum about your T telling you that you were having memories of feelings, and it made sense to me then (although I hadn't experienced that yet) and it makes a lot more sense to me now, too. I can relate to the general feeling of pushing feelings down to prevent consequences, although I don't have any conscious memories of it. Can I ask, was it validating to be able to remember a specific instance? I've told my T before that I sometimes think I'll only completely accept that I had a real reason to lock my feelings away when I can pinpoint a moment in time where I decided to do it. However irrational that may be, I think I'm still waiting for that moment on some level, even though I'm also trying to accept that it was probably just a slow build up of things.
I like your T's description of therapy, too. It almost felt like an epiphany on some level that it was okay to be scared in my T's office. Even though feeling scared also meant that some part of me felt unsafe, I still felt safe enough to trust that my T would listen to me and help me through the moment and try to understand what I was experiencing.
And for just a quick update - I was so overwhelmed by the session for the rest of the day following it that it was giving me a pressure-filled headache. And then, of course, I started getting sick the next day (yesterday), and I'm progressively getting worse today. Has anyone had that happen following an intense session? It seems like it was just a lot to take, and it reduced my resiliency, I guess. Anyway, I don't know what exactly it's from, but I've felt very numb since yesterday. Completely numb. Oh well.
I've been bowled over by all of the support you all have given me. If I weren't able to come here and get so much validation for things that I'm experiencing, I really think that I would be 10 steps back from where I am now.