Hi Hopeful,
It sounds like you're feeling very confused about therapy and how to proceed. It strikes me a little strange that your T wouldn't see value in talking about your past, but it can depend on her background. Therapists with a psychodynamic background tend to be more interested in the past and digging deeper. But the only way to know what is going on with your therapist is to ask. I know it feels really scary, but therapy is about your needs and feelings and it's perfectly legitimate to ask about how it works and what is expected.

And I understand you not wanting to make your therapist feel bad about what she has said, but again, her feelings are her responsibility and most therapists are skilled at remaining non-defensive and making it about your feelings. These issues are exactly the kind of thing I think you should be bringing up in therapy. The response you get from her may help you make up your mind about continuing.

I am sorry you are facing a long break and hope that your procedure goes well and you heal quickly. Let us know how it goes.

AG

Hi Hopeful,

I'm sorry that you don't get therapy. I often feel that way too. But I keep going, hoping something will happen.

How is the chemistry between you and your T? You sound like you might be afraid of her, afraid of displeasing her. Have you thought about finding someone new?

Good luck with your procedure.


Liese

AG,
I know you're right...these are the things I should be bringing up but I usually try to spare myself the uncomfortableness. I brought up stuff before...like "did you say blah blah blah to me last time" and we would talk about it and it turns out fine. This one thing though does bother me and I think I ought to clarify more of her style of therapy. I really wasn't aware until I found this site and all the reading I've done here and online that there was more than one kind and I've been to other therapists. In fact this go around has been more uncomfortable but I feel I am getting more from it this time and really trying to "heal" the issues I have. I knew you would say what you've said and I needed that...thanks for your encouragement and well wishes.

Liese,
You mirror my thoughts. I don't get "it" just really trying to educate myself thru the site with the explanations about brain stuff and attachment, etc. and a lot of relating to what everyone here has to say. I do feel like the chemistry is good. I have thought of looking for another therapist but I do feel like she spends up until the last minute with me that she can and I'm so confused and confusing that right now I am feeling grateful for what she does and her ability to switch gears when I no longer want to stay on a subject she accommodates me. I feel bad for her trying to figure out what I'm saying...my mind jumps all over the place so I know I need to slow down and try to make myself clear. I would agree that I don't want to displease her...you're so insightful...always looking at stuff from more than one angle...I need that as I don't usually think of things in those terms...it's just emotional for me and I usually can't decide how to proceed. Thanks for your different angles and well wishes.

(((Hopeful))))

Yes, I know that jumping around because it's what I do. I do it for two reasons, (at least that I know of) the first is that I do it to avoid talking about something I don't want to talk about. The second is that I do it when I don't know what T wants to talk about and I'm looking to please him. It's very frustrating. But I'm getting better at not jumping all around in my mind. Think about it, if you were stuck in a bad situation your whole life, and you couldn't escape, but you can escape mentally by jumping around, I suppose that's what you would do, right? That's what I do.

Things will get better and reveal itself in due time. Your T sounds nice and she sounds patient and I'm glad you feel as though you have a chemistry with her. I hope you stay hopeful.

xoxo

Liese

Liese,
Once again we do the same things...that was seen as resistance last session and I'm glad she said it to me otherwise I would go in there again and repeat it. She definitely gets my attention when doing that type of thing but it must be being timed for utmost effectiveness...or maybe she's thining "can I get a word in edgewise here?" Usually when processing afterwards is when it hits me because the rambling doesn't give her much opportunity to speak but later on I realize I heard the word and then I start researching more and then usually "the lights come on."
I understand what you mean by wanting to escape your whole life although I believe you must have had it pretty bad...probably worse than me. I hated things about my childhood and used to escape and go outside and throw rocks or something just to get away from everyone. Maybe that is an adaptive thing this jumping around...I have a hard time staying with a thought but I'm beginning to think this is something for me to explore with T.

I do think she is nice and patient but it definitely took time for me to trust her. It took me months to do an introduction on this site but I am glad now that I did...usually I "isolate."

You are so nice...I will stay hopeful.

xoxo back at ya!

Hopeful

Nice to meet you hopeful! I'm not sure if we met before, or not, because my memory is atrocious.

It takes time to be able to form coherent thoughts in therapy- I think you are doing really great work, trying to sort it all out. Slowly, it will get better, and make a bit more sense, just as time goes on...trust yourself- the jumping aroundis difficult to deal with, yet- it shows great clarity that you recognize it, and are trying to learn a way that will be more helpful for you having the life you hope for!

Yes, stay Hopeful- as Liese says- that is lovely!

hugs,

Beebs

Hi Blackbird...don't they call you beebs? Nice to meet you also. I guess I will have to evaluate myself next session and see if I'm getting there. Communicating with folks here makes me realize stuff so I wonder if it will carry over in the therapy room or if I'll forget all about what it seems like I'm getting or if I'll freeze. Thanks for your encouragement. I'm really enjoying learning from everyone.

hugs

OMG! I can't respond to just one person or just one post. As I read each one I thought, " yes, this is me!" then I'd read the next post and I'd think the same thing. After a year I feel like I still don't do therapy right. Like I don't get it.my therapist also doesn't encourage talk about my past. She keeps bringing up what's currently going on. I've asked her why because all I've read suggests the way I act and feel now stems from my childhood. She claims it's all related. As I read this it makes sense - but when I'm in her office it all gets jumbled, I freeze and my thoughts are all over the place.

Hi Raven,
I'm so glad to be finding out I'm not the only one either. I think I will do something I did before and write down a brief sentence or two on a few different topics I want to discuss and hopefully that will keep me on track maybe from some of my journaling. I don't know if you've tried anything like that but maybe it will help you and also to keep track of what was said on those topics with a few words exchanged between you on those subjects during session or preferably directly afterwards. I stayed in the parking lot once to write what I could remember. I have saved a page with things over many sessions. It helps...maybe it will help when I no longer go to therapy. Maybe try that. I never asked but maybe my T didn't feel like I was as lost those few times that I had subjects and maybe I spoke with more sense...IDK. Mine has also said "it's all related"...well yeah AND...drives me nuts sometimes. Hope the best to you.

Hopeful

Gosh, that is a really good and helpful post XOXO and I hope others find it helpful too.

Hi xoxo,
I agree with "Sadly"...what a helpful post. I have re-read it about five times and the first one was so triggering but it feels like the answer. Thanks so much...it gives me such "hope" to get thru this finally. I guess I have some questions and lots to talk about tomorrow. You are a smart girl also.

Sincerely,
Hopeful

Update:
Things were not as I thought...eclectic is her style so anything goes. We have a good connection and that was a way different feeling than last visit...lots of support and a nice place to connect and get understanding and letting me do it my way...very nice experience.

Glad to hear it Hopeful. Sometimes its just a matter of the attunement not being as good for a given session. Sounds like you left in a better place today which is really good. Thanks for the update.

AG

Thanks AG. I feel with support here and explanations from real people who have been and are going thru it provides so much...it's great having a place to relate.