Yesterday I had what I think will be the last session with the C.
I am going to try and write it up, as I will probably be pondering what went so wrong between us for quite a long time. I am aware as I sit here after another 'only four hours sleep' of a night, that I am going to be bleeding about this for a long time, it is not going to heal easily, getting over this totally fracturing of a therapeutic relationship.
I went in rather rushed, as I had taught a really chilling out yoga class and then had to make my kids lunch and then dash so was carrying a travel mug of tea into the session with me which along with the banana I ate on the way and a rice cake, was my lunch. But I got there and I tried to work out what would be helpful to say.
I said how the phone calls and the sessions being sorted for the next three weeks helped me feel like I was standing on solid ground. I also then said that I did not feel I needed phone calls this week as I am going to Wales and will be distracted enough I hope, to not need that level of support and that I did not want to ask for her time if I did not truly need it.
I had been warned by at least two people, not to try and get her to see how it has been for me, that she is NOT going to see, as she just can't. But I just could not seem to help myself, it just came spilling out. I could not leave it alone. I again asked why she had not fought my corner and she again patiently replied that she is not a private therapist and that she cannot and does not have the power to choose what to do. That my doctor had said that he thought it was not a good situation and she agreed that I needed so much more than a session a week, as my state and condition was such that I required more and so she advised that I go to secondary services which would give me more time and more support. So again I pointed out that this is not actually the case, that secondary services cannot provide more, as we have found out. And she said that she had not known that. I said she acted unprofessionally in passing me on to something that did not exist. She got angry and defensive at that. She felt that was unreasonable of me to say so. But from my point of view, she reacted on that Friday, decided that that kind of “blow' was going to happen regularly and that “ It seems that your current belief is that if you can get all the holding and visible demonstrations of caring from me, on an open-ended basis and to the degree, intensity and for the length of time you want, then this is going to make all the difference. I am simply not able to meet those needs for such availability and time”. So she made her view based on that belief. (She said the next session after the termination letter that she cannot give me 24/7 care, so she obviously had exaggerated the extent of my distress in her head.)
I again said she had seriously misjudged me, that just because I blew once, because for six whole weeks she had not been listening to me, she decided that I would blow 24/7 and therefore 'for my own good' she should pass me on. I said again, that the timing was appalling. That I was beginning to turn around and that because of her care on the Friday I believed she did truly care and on the Monday I began to mirror that and care for myself, but within two hours of that happening she had sent the termination email.
I still feel that she got angry and reacted after that Friday. She denies this. She insists she is doing and has always done what is genuinely in my best interests. She cannot seem to admit that she is still annoyed and irritated.
She brought up again “why did you 'up the anti', your own expression, on that Friday?” (something really really annoys her about that, from that moment on she has not been able to like me.) I asked her if she had never in her life, upped the anti because no one was hearing her? Because that is what it felt like to me that I was going through the worst time of year for me, that I was disclosing things I had never disclosed that had me feeing vulnerable and exsposed, that I had lost my attachment figure of kindness as most of the previous six sessions were full of anger and conflict, that I was touching the most core pain – and still she was not hearing me. Most people I know admit to finding a way to bring the pain to the surface sometime in their life. It is not THAT abnormal.
So I genuinely tried to answer that. “I have such strong barriers, protection barriers up to prevent other people and myself knowing that deep inner core pain, that I had to force it through by allowing it to deliberately build and break through. I wanted you to know it, see it, hear it, I wanted to trust you with that, and you did hear it and you did care. That meant a lot to me. You did. You think I manipulated you and it was a sham, it was not. I was 90% in pain and distress and 10% pushing it through to make it visible. I do admit that if that had been a teaching day it would not have happened.”
But also as I explain this to her, I feel unsafe and I do not feel safe from her reactions to anything I tell her at this level. She is judging me for it, not hearing my pain around it. She cannot seem to help herself.
That 10% is the bit that I feel she cannot bear. That to her, was wrong. It has violated some code that I did not know about. It made me beyond her ability to care and truly be there for me. Who has pushed her in her own life or 'upped the anti' that she then put those feelings of 'this is too much, this is beyond what I can accept' on to me?
Also I emailed her and I told her, I even headed it with 'This is important.”
I was being honest and I was as worried about what was going on as she was. I was not hiding it. Bizarrely if I had hidden it, I would still be working with her.
She protested that she did not feel I was manipulating her, that she could indeed hear my genuine distress, and that she asked me on that Friday what to do and talked me through it. I think still she was out of her depth on that day and classified it as a far more serious incident, in her head, that it actually was for me. And that has been the cause of all this trouble.
And I also wonder if in a way I knew that and tried to explain that it was not as bad as it seemed to de- escalate it myself. Anyway, now it does not matter because no matter how much I protest that I am not that bad, she sees me as 'that bad' and is sticking to it. And she truly has me in a “that bad” box, a very tight box, and no matter what I say or do, she is going to keep me in her tight box. She cannot do otherwise, otherwise she would have to question herself and other motives in her for what she did.
And again I asked why she could not have fought for me. And she AGAIN went back to saying she thought I knew that we were terminating at Christmas anyway.( god – to me that is so untrue – so utterly untrue and I think she just dare not admit that we had never ever EVER said any such thing).
She does NOT get the fact that I attached to her, (stupid me) and my needing to be near her, think of her, trust her, was my “proximity seeking” behaviour and that she WAS my secure base and attachment figure. When I have been feeling fearful or stressed I have had this biological drive in me to feel near her, imagine her, soothe myself. This is a natural drive which humans have in order that we survive as babies. We are driven to our caregivers. unfortunately mine was playing out as a 49 yr old to a woman who was decidedly uncomfortable with it and did not actually want it happening at all. Once the small baby part of me came into my conscious mind, I was having to deal with and feel the emotions and needs of that small baby part. Duh.
If she had understood that, if she had, then she would have had the sensitivity NOT to send such a termination email which so severely re traumatized me that I have been on coping mechanisms since. She cannot even HEAR that. She does not UNDERSTAND that. She is oblivious of that. To her, that is me being a pain. It is not something she wants to know and it is certainly not something she wants to hear. She would deny this. The pain I feel around how she terminated with me, just when I was most attached to her, is beyond her understanding or empathy. She just goes into denial and defensive justification mode. People were right, she just CANNOT hear. No matter how hard I try to tell her, how many times I say it was CRAP timing. It hurt me more than all her good work had done. It undid all my trust and feeling of safety and belief in her. For me, it was like she threw it all back in my face. All of it.
I explained about how I had been transferring the guru, the bully, the false therapist, the boy, my father, all of them onto her when I got angry and the anger was just pouring out of me and she took it so personally. I said that I thought she had counter transference going on, that she was seeing me and reacting to me as someone from her own past and that she was not admitting to that. I did not feel that she was seeing me as me anymore.
I also asked her again whether she truly wanted to continue working with me and she protested again that she was committed to working with me and wanted to keep working with me until Christmas as she had said. I just don't believe her. I just don't. In a room full of anger and irritation and annoyance and frustration, not of acceptance or kindness or understanding, - how can I feel that she truly WANTS to keep working with me when she has such strong negative emotions towards me that she keeps denying.
When i said that I do not feel safe now in this room to say how I feel, she did not hear that I do not feel safe NOW, so she started to say things like “did you not feel safe when you disclosed the stuff around the boy” (OW! OW! do NOT bring up things I have not been able to talk about, that I could only let you read about, not even speak about myself, do NOT bring up sensitive issues just to fight your own corner! I was really terrified then that she might bring up even more sensitive stuff, stuff she knew would floor me completely and leave me unable to speak or even walk upright out of that room.)
She kept on; “did you not feel safe when you told me about the things you found hard, when we sat on the floor and did that kind of work together? Was that a lie? Was that untrue? Tell me, as I am now confused – I thought you felt safe then?” She was angry and challenging and not in a mindful place, she was feeling on the attack. And she took offence at that, that I should say that I do not feel safe with her.
I replied, “ I did feel safe then but I do not feel safe now, when I tell you things now, you use them against me. You use them to back up your own view and arguments. I do not feel safe even telling you this. I am not safe here in this moment. That is my truth.”
I was trying so hard but what was so sad was that is was all so pointless as whatever I said, she could not hear, would not hear.
She said that she thought that last week we had a break through, that I had stopped this raging and anger. She did not understand why it had gone back. Neither did I, except that I was still objecting to being labelled by her as having too complex issues, as being too much for her, as being a more severe mental health problem. etc etc. (HOW does she NOT understand that I trusted her and grew to love her and let her in to my most vulnerable pains and hidden shames, and when she turns around and dismisses me like that, it traumatizes me. How can she NOT understand that? )
She just gets exasperated at that and almost cries out at me “ I cannot give you what you said you needed, more time, more interim support.” I said that one session a week was probably all I needed since i turned around, since that awful Friday, that I had only blown once in 16 months, and that if that termination letter had not come we might have worked well and mostly finished the work by Christmas, that I did not think there was that much to go. I objected to the way she and my doctor made that decision – to pass me on – to non existent mental health with she said “provide the additional time, support and back-up which is available to those working in secondary services,” but turns out not to be true. No one asked me. No, I was discounted in the decision making. I was obviously not worth asking, my opinion did not matter. I think that added to my anger.
I truly heard that she thinks :
I work with 8 week session or 12 or 16. you got over a year. I cannot do more and you cannot hear that.” But I counter : “ you did do more, you did a year, I do not understand how you do not understand that I experienced you moving that boundary for me before and then deciding NOT to shift it again.” She says she was over ruled, by my doctor, but he made the decision based on what she said. She THEN said “ and your need for 30 minute phonecalls.” God, I thought we had BEEN through this. That I asked for 10 minute phone calls and I kept reminding her of the time and SHE allowed the phone calls to go to 30 minutes. She is the one keeping the boundaries here. And she breaks her boundaries and blames ME! Again! She does not see how unethical that is, breaking her own boundaries and blaming the client. Sigh. She just HAS to blame me. She just does not get that.
At this point SHE said with great exasperation, sweeping her hands down her skirt in a gesture of finality and getting rid of something: “ I think that this should be our last session, there is no point in continuing.” It was said in anger and frustration and irritation and annoyance and it was not said kindly or as a kind suggestion. I felt hit. Of course. I felt kicked actually. I could not speak for several moments and had my face buried in my arm. It felt like a knife had plunged into my heart and was taking the breath out of me. I visualised Jenny being there and holding my hand and I tried to breathe. I knew then I was in danger. I knew then that Jenny was right, that going back to this C was damaging to me, was actually re traumatizing me – but I had not believed it. I had not believed that my attempts to make this C acknowledge what pain she had caused in what she had done, was going to cause me so much more pain.
She said she wanted to tell me what her overview of the whole work we had been doing together was/is. Was that okay by me? I said yes, but I really wanted to say no as I could tell that she was ready to fire something at me that she really felt I needed to know and which would hurt me very much indeed. I was already hurting right in the hole where my heart centre is meant to be and I should have said no, but – of course – I could not say no. I wish I could say no.
So she started tentatively – saying many times that this was only her opinion and that it may not be right. – (but she did have to say it didn't she, she just could not resist saying it, even though she must have some inkling that I am so wide open and hurting right now, but no, it was more important for her to say it, than to think of the consequences on me.)
She said that she looks back and we have looked at the issues of India, the bullying, my father, the boy, my core pain, and they all tie up and are interlinked for me. And that somewhere I learnt how to get care and kindness, i learnt ways to do that. I became very good at that, very skilled at that. And that that is what I want most. Over and over again I have said to her: “I want you to care”, this is paramount to me. “You are wanting care. That is what you do. You find ways to get it. You are very good at that. You have found many ways to get good at that.”
I heard this as : you manipulate people to give you care and that is all that you do, want care and find ways to get care. I said that. And I said that I have not been in therapy for 15 years, there are vast chunks of my life where I am giving and working and not in this state. I felt deeply judged and deeply misjudged.
But she said she did not mean to judge me, she was just saying that I was very good at it, that I had learnt many ways to be very good at getting care.
I look at my life and see so much emptiness of not caring and wonder if I was that good at it, why did I not have a life full of feeling cared for? And if I was so good at it, why was I still doing it? And if this was true, how do I mend it? And if this is a problem, why is it there?
But that was her assessment of me.
Yes, it hurt. Yes, it still hurts. Because, like the bully, I have to take it in and see if it is true and if it is, work with what they say. Face it.
I feel judged, though. It IS a judgement.
She also said that all the methods, all the therapies agree that with attachment issues, you contain the client to the sessions, you keep it contained just within session and no time out of sessions. I said that I knew of people who were given more stepping stones, who got through the dependent stage which is so unbearable by being allowed to lean on their therapist with phone calls and emails. She raised her eyebrows at that one. She hates it when I don't take her word for gospel.
What do we do with me? I have this raging screaming hurt part inside and a set of neural pathways screaming for care and kindness and feeling utterly unloved and abandoned and so this C abandons me and judges me for wanting her so desperately to care. I see my life as being so fiercely protective of the part of me that feels so uncared for , hiding it, and only letting this C see it and know it because I grew to trust and love her, and she throws all that back at me: “Look at you! This is what is wrong with you! I cannot resist telling you even though it may damage you terribly now to hear it!”
Oh god. And then, I tried, oh foolish me, to TELL her how much this was hurting me but even as I told her, I was aware of her eyes just distancing herself, not wanting to know, fearing my pain somehow. Like it might pull her in if she really heard. I tried to say. I said 'my heart feels like it is breaking, I know there is very little point in telling you this, but it does. I feel so hurting. This is hurting so much.” so she said that if we do meet again maybe we could work on what that pain is and look at it. Ouch. She meant well by that, but has no idea that I would feel dissected by her now, not lovingly and kindly heard or met in my pain.
Oh god.
At least she said “ I do not think I am helpful to you anymore. I do not think I CAN help you anymore.” At least she admitted that. She also said that she had been caring and there for me and really fought for me and that she has done everything she could for me and that was not enough for me. She implied that the problem is mine. I said that it takes two to make a mess such as this. It is so easy for her to see it as the client being difficult or unreachable or resistant or whatever – it takes all the scrutiny off her.
My heart feels truly broken. I am physically aching with a pain that is beyond knowing really and there is nothing I can do. I hold this pain in my gentlest holding and wonder why oh why there is something so wrong with me that I feel this. It keeps me awake, it wakes me when I do sleep, it hurts like a sharp knife in my heart and I am blamed for it and shamed for it, and turned away from because of it. It is a terrible thing. I have lived with it hidden, hidden as much as i could hide it but of course it has leaked out in my life and now I am judged for it and shamed for it again.
I do not know what to do with me and I am losing hope. It seems very bleak. I was hoping for a satisfactory ending, but that is just not going to happen here. Just not.
It has stirred up the worst pains and it has just left me to be in that. With no support and no care, except Jenny and the frantic attempts to find a private therapist and for me to find ways of working to pay for that. I am even thnking of going back to working for the bully in order to earn money fast enough to pay for private therapy. What a fiasco.
I have never felt so taken apart, so dismantled, so opened up, and then so judged and attacked and criticised and found wanting, lacking, inadequate and not good enough. It feels like she got hold of the littlest part of me at last and ripped her to tiny shreds. With her teeth.
How do I see me? (What, my opinion might be worth something? Shock horror!)
I see me as someone who has had a raging pain, a need to be cared for, since I was burnt at six months old and then in hospital for surgery until I was four years old. And this was in the days when mothers were not allowed to stay with their children. I think that I have felt that desperate raging screaming need for care inside me but not known what it was, just felt it as an unbearable need that would surface from time to time, especially when I was vulnerable. It made me go back to people who were hurting me as their hurting of me made me vulnerable which made the deep need for care surface in me again and so I would go back for the smallest crumb of care which they might offer me.
I look at my life and see how much I fought and worked on hiding that need, to myself and to others. How being in a role of care giver hid it very well and I nearly believed it myself, that it was no longer there.
I was and am still deeply ashamed of it, which is why I find it so painful to have it pointed out so starkly.
when I felt that need in my late teens and early twenties, I felt out of control and tried to get some control by getting my life in order, being academic and being attractive, losing weight and then finding I was anorexic and I dare not put on weight because it brought the tearing need for care back.
I occasionally found it leaked out from the age of about 15 onwards, and I then did or said something inappropriate that I felt ashamed of and confused about. I felt there was something wrong with me but that if I could just bury it deep enough it would not be there anymore and then I would be okay.
My therapists are the only people who were able to uncover that need, but it took such trust from my side to let that happen. Because, I feared, like this C has done, that they would run from it, criticise me for it, shame me for it, and point it out to me as a failing and a mental illness.
Alan (GoodFinder) has run from it, this C has held it up in the air and dangled it in front of me as a flaw and problem in me that needs mental health services and Alex (FalseFinder), well he manipulated that need in me for his care, for his own ends. The Bully (trickster) saw it and knew it and flung it back in my face and belittled me for it. Sigh.
Jenny (FirstFinder)saw it, and knows it and does give me advice on it, but it is done so kindly that I can hear. She does not say things because she is angry or annoyed at me and cannot help herself even though it will hurt me, she tends to pause and think whether it will be helpful to me or not. The C thought she was doing that, but she was not, often she just could not help herself saying things.
So now that I know this about myself, what do I do about it? Hide it again? I think not. If I come close to another therapist, it will resurface in all its gory, agonizing need and torment. I wish there was a way through it that did not require feeling its pain and living with it moment by moment with the sleeplessness and trauma symptoms pounding through my body.
I wish there was a kind and gentle way to heal this.
I wish someone had the wisdom to guide me through this respectfully.
