Me too.
Urgh, but I suspect I shall go on Weds morning anyway. I find it so hard not to. I am still attached. Urgh.
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quote:my previous T thinks all this talk about complex mental issues is so down putting and not taking the whole of me into account.
quote:Therapy huh, it is certainly not predictable.
quote:'m not sure if you are experiencing things exactly how I think you may be but I hope either your C or your T hear your fear about this separation. If the separation is unavoidable, if you are definitely terminating with your C then IMHO the rest of your sessions should be focused on healing the attachment wound it is going to cause.
quote:He said that he thought it would do me good to work fortnightly as I would have to learn to use my own skills to keep going and also that he thought I would not find anyone to re parent me in the NHS system. (????)
quote:the idea of sessions once a fortnight nearly made me faint, I can't even make nine days at the moment and seven is pushing it. Bloomin' heck.
quote:This Psychologist is saying that sometimes you just have to learn to live with the pain.
quote:So she suggested that we just work on the lack of respect I have for myself when I am in this pain, this raw basic heart pain. And we do that for next 8 weeks.
Like - try and keep it minimal.
quote:Also, L.E. said that I have psychotic attachment - which fortunately does not mean I am psychotic. It means that I have attached to this counsellor despite the information that I have that she is actually harming me and out of her depth and not actually suitable for me to work at this level of depth. I have such a strong idealisation of her as being warm and kind and loving for me, that I cannot see the reality which is someone who has good intentions but not the skill or depth or strength to deal with what I am bringing to therapy. L.E. thought that I might actually be terribly hurt if I delve into deep inner baby level pain and this counsellor does not know what to do or reacts again. I shall not feel safe nor met. It WILL retraumatize me.
I have been saying that but not believing it.
L.E. also said that this counsellor was someone trained in working with conscious processes and my major work now is on my unconscious processes. My unconscious processes are what are brimming over and flowing into the therapeutic space, except the space is not therapeutic anymore because the counsellor cannot handle the paradoxical emotions and entanglements that are so complex in me. And I am out of my depth so with two people out of their depth, there is a lot of confusion.
L.E. also said that this counsellor is often infringing ethical guidelines, especially the way in which she brings her own emotional pain into the therapeutic space and blaming me for her loss of interior boundaries where she gets upset at me that it takes her so long to process what I have told her and how draining that is for her, like reading my blog (which I have asked her not to do now - for obvious reasons!) and she then says how long it took her to process it or how Crisis Friday spoilt her whole day and her interactions with people. that is actually her own internal boundaries going and not something to blame me for. Also she has often been very well meaning and done and offered more than she can handle and later lets out a volley of how she found the emails difficult, the having to phone, the cardigan issue, the time put in for fighting for me when I just complain at her. I did not know what she was doing, I took her at face value, that if she said she would do something but I did not know she would resent it.
quote:AG ... got re parented, she went beyond attachment issues, This Psychologist is saying that sometimes you just have to learn to live with the pain.
quote:It is too easy to be re-traumatized with someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. And as much as it feels like you may be wasting time, if you stick with her and continue to be retraumatized, not only are you not getting better, you’re adding to the pile of stuff you need to deal with, which again increases the amount of time spent in therapy.
quote:She also said that all the methods, all the therapies agree that with attachment issues, you contain the client to the sessions, you keep it contained just within session and no time out of sessions.
quote:I still feel that she got angry and reacted after that Friday. She denies this. She insists she is doing and has always done what is genuinely in my best interests. She cannot seem to admit that she is still annoyed and irritated.
quote:She is judging me for it, not hearing my pain around it. She cannot seem to help herself.
quote:That 10% is the bit that I feel she cannot bear. That to her, was wrong. It has violated some code that I did not know about. It made me beyond her ability to care and truly be there for me. Who has pushed her in her own life or 'upped the anti' that she then put those feelings of 'this is too much, this is beyond what I can accept' on to me?
quote:She protested that she did not feel I was manipulating her ...
quote:Anyway, now it does not matter because no matter how much I protest that I am not that bad, she sees me as 'that bad' and is sticking to it. And she truly has me in a “that bad” box, a very tight box, and no matter what I say or do, she is going to keep me in her tight box. She cannot do otherwise, otherwise she would have to question herself and other motives in her for what she did.
quote:And again I asked why she could not have fought for me. And she AGAIN went back to saying she thought I knew that we were terminating at Christmas anyway.( god – to me that is so untrue – so utterly untrue and I think she just dare not admit that we had never ever EVER said any such thing).
quote:I also asked her again whether she truly wanted to continue working with me and she protested again that she was committed to working with me and wanted to keep working with me until Christmas as she had said. I just don't believe her. I just don't. In a room full of anger and irritation and annoyance and frustration, not of acceptance or kindness or understanding, - how can I feel that she truly WANTS to keep working with me when she has such strong negative emotions towards me that she keeps denying.
quote:And she took offence at that, that I should say that I do not feel safe with her.
quote:I heard this as : you manipulate people to give you care and that is all that you do, want care and find ways to get care. I said that. And I said that I have not been in therapy for 15 years, there are vast chunks of my life where I am giving and working and not in this state. I felt deeply judged and deeply misjudged.
But she said she did not mean to judge me, she was just saying that I was very good at it, that I had learnt many ways to be very good at getting care.
quote:It is amazing how I was picking this all up for a whole month but projecting kind and caring counsellor on to her even though her words and actions were not backing that up.
quote:If the risk outstrips our repair skills, the ruptures feel terrible - and can be traumatic when the T isn't capable of containing the situation and providing the missing repair skills.
quote:You seem to be implying it fell apart because I did not have the repair skills.
quote:But when we have a really vulnerable sense of self, are not strong at some of those skills and/or we have lots and lots at stake, little ruptures quickly become big ruptures. And when we're living in that place, letting someone know us at all is a huge risk, because we don't know how to fix things when they go wrong. We only know that when things start to go wrong they get worse.
quote:Dear Sheychen
I've followed your story for a while now. You are so brave, insightful and human. You may not feel it but you have probably leapt forward so far by taking control of this dreadful situation which is not of your making. I may not word this properly but your instincts and thinking are so healthy!! You will feel like shit some days 'cause this is so very hurtful but take a deep breath, then another, then another and give yourself a big pat on the back and be a little kinder to yourself 'cause you are still moving forward!! Probably not making much sense but hugely with you.
Many hugs
Mo
quote:talked directly to my inner child and before I knew it, I was talking from taht part and then I started shaking and my teeth chattering and I could not think or speak. She said I was releasing trauma stored in the body
quote:he is only a psychologist for heaven's sake
quote:With the psychologist he has already decided I only need 50 minutes every two weeks for one year only.
quote:After some further reflection, I have re considered my offer of the assessment session. There are a few reasons:
Firstly, I am uncomfortable that you are clearly unhappy with paying for the assessment session, (this is my usual practice, and that of many of my colleagues), and my experience has been that how therapy starts out is highly significant in terms of successful outcome. My concern is that this situation may well affect how we then go on to work together, if we were to decide to do that.
However, I do completely understand that you wish to look around for the right person, after your recent experiences, and if its important to you that you don't pay, I totally support you in pursuing this, as there are of course, plenty of therapists who don't charge.
Secondly, after our conversation yesterday I realise that you may well need more support than I can offer time wise, in terms of increasing freqeuncy of sessions/time on the phone etc. My practice is very tight at the moment, and will remain that way for the forseable future as I have lots of very long term clients. I am also away training a bit more too next year. So I will not be able to provide this extra time.
Thirdly, I checked my diary and realise that the client I thought was due to finish in January is infact finishing in februaury next year, so we wouldn't be able to commence work until then.
Therefore, on balance I think it best that we don't proceed at this point.
quote:Then I phoned ANOTHER therapist today who said " I don't know how you think I can help you" after I had given a brief synopsis and then she said " I think you are attached to your pain and you feel more alive there, maybe you could let it go. You don't have to hold onto your pain."
That felt very judgemental and so I shall probably not even pay the £30 for the initial session with her.
I seem to be scaring them off so easily. I am frightened that another will run after I start to trust them, so best to get them out of the picture from the start if they cannot cope with strong stuff. Frowner
She asked me what I want and I said to know my problems, to be able to use my resources better to cope with the pain and also to absorb the love and care and kindness and solidity of another in a therapeutic relationship so that I can make that be inside of me and do it for myself and that care is important as I cannot seem to care enough for me right now.
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