The most difficult and strange part of the way I am coping with this I have posted on my blog
- today. It is so hard the way we try to cope.
If it was you DeepFried who sent a comment, thank you deeply - very reassuring - thank you .
Sheychen,
I've been following your thread, but haven't commented much lately because I've been a bit fuzzy headed, but I wanted to say that I think you are handling this really well. I can only imagine how painful this entire situation (and your past T abusing you) has been. I hope you have given yourself a pat on the back for coping through all of this.
I've been following your thread, but haven't commented much lately because I've been a bit fuzzy headed, but I wanted to say that I think you are handling this really well. I can only imagine how painful this entire situation (and your past T abusing you) has been. I hope you have given yourself a pat on the back for coping through all of this.
STRM ... Hope you are okay ... Noticed you haven't been posting .... Always enjoy your posts ...
Sheychen ... I was thinking tonight about a pinball machine .... and how the ball has to find its way through the course by bumping into the rubber barriers and bumping off again ... and thinking about your C and how it is just a bump off .... You must continue on your way with the least amount of friction possible in order to find your path ... Try not to read too much into about your worth .... The reasons may become clear in the future why things didn't work out if they are not clear now ...
Sheychen ... I was thinking tonight about a pinball machine .... and how the ball has to find its way through the course by bumping into the rubber barriers and bumping off again ... and thinking about your C and how it is just a bump off .... You must continue on your way with the least amount of friction possible in order to find your path ... Try not to read too much into about your worth .... The reasons may become clear in the future why things didn't work out if they are not clear now ...
Guys, I just feel so SUPPORTED by you. I found this site JUST at the right time, not realizing what I was about to go through.
I feel amazingly unburdened to have posted what I did on my blog yesterday, an old shame revealed and the world did not collapse.
Of course I am anonymous, but at least two people maybe three, read that and know who I am. gulp!
anyway, I hear you STRM, and you are right, I shall keep reminding myself that I am doing brilliantly. I am actually an amazing woman, I just seem like a bundle of sobbing at the moment but I am not just that, I run a home, I make my family laugh, I cook pancake breakfasts and sing in a choir, play in a band, teach and console friends going through cancer and divorce and ALSO have a chaotic therapy life in which i am emailing about 8 therapists a day to try and find a good one who can help my LostChild heal. At least my life is not boring - ha ha.
Yea, thanks DF - needed that comment. Feel fragile still but also relief to 'come out' with my most hurting shame.
Liese, I like the pinball machine, I feel that I had to move on from that C and only a major storm would have moved me, so major storm we had to have - and now I have left her and will find someone who can handle all this without looking at me as though i am despicable.
It is a blessing in disguise, I know that, it is just hell being IN it right now.
much love and hugs to you all, you are absolutely so supportive and I feel grateful - thank you.
I feel amazingly unburdened to have posted what I did on my blog yesterday, an old shame revealed and the world did not collapse.
Of course I am anonymous, but at least two people maybe three, read that and know who I am. gulp!
anyway, I hear you STRM, and you are right, I shall keep reminding myself that I am doing brilliantly. I am actually an amazing woman, I just seem like a bundle of sobbing at the moment but I am not just that, I run a home, I make my family laugh, I cook pancake breakfasts and sing in a choir, play in a band, teach and console friends going through cancer and divorce and ALSO have a chaotic therapy life in which i am emailing about 8 therapists a day to try and find a good one who can help my LostChild heal. At least my life is not boring - ha ha.
Yea, thanks DF - needed that comment. Feel fragile still but also relief to 'come out' with my most hurting shame.
Liese, I like the pinball machine, I feel that I had to move on from that C and only a major storm would have moved me, so major storm we had to have - and now I have left her and will find someone who can handle all this without looking at me as though i am despicable.
It is a blessing in disguise, I know that, it is just hell being IN it right now.
much love and hugs to you all, you are absolutely so supportive and I feel grateful - thank you.
Sheychen ... I posted that in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep .... and then I read your blog and I hurt for you .... There is no shame in needing love .... I am just glad you weren't offended by my pinball machine anaolgy .... it seemed so ridiculous after I read your blog ... as if it was that easy just to bounce off and keep going ....
It's okay - in a way you are right.
And I have talked with two therapists today and it was clear by just talking with them, that the C was not the right person to work with, she was not trained to that level.
Today one T talked directly to my inner child and before I knew it, I was talking from taht part and then I started shaking and my teeth chattering and I could not think or speak. She said I was releasing trauma stored in the body and then I sort of did what I call 'resting' where I don't hear what people are saying, like I have gone slightly blank and she pointed out that I was dissassociating, and no one explained that THAT is disassociating and so I was amazed - as I do that A LOT.
So two big things - but then I had an hour across bleak rainy moors back home, in driving rain and I was still slightly shaking and she said what would help? So I said (first time ever)"a hot cup of tea would really help" and she said she does not give clients hot drinks.
That seemed so formal to me, I was just in shaking mode and I needed to drive back across the moors in rain and there is no where to GET tea.
so that did not feel so good.
the other T is only 20 minutes away and I talked with her on the phone and she seemed completely unfazed by the issues I was talking about, - BUt cannot see me until January as she is full right now - but SHE said that with attachment and early years trauma it is NORMAL to go through a period of dependancy and so two sessions a week could be helpful then with a phone call even if it was really necessary
!!!!
would cost me an arm and leg
but hey
remember what I have just been through - a huge argument with a C who INSISTED that one session a week was enough and no other contact and her supervisor and her supervisor's supervisor agreed and so I can hardly believe my ears.
but I have not got to meet her, only talk on the phone.
Another interesting thing:
I had an email from the C in my inbox when I got home but I answered my other emails first - cos I wanted to.
that it is thefirst time it is not urgent to open her email immediately.
I am already disattaching, painful though it is.
I see the psychologist tomorrow for an initial assessment (this must be the third!!) and I have told him I only want to work with him for skills training and not therapeutic relationship stuff, i just don't feel he has worked enough on himself, he is only a psychologist for heaven's sake. teh woman across the moors who does not do 'tea' has done 18 years of therapy, which she was a bit sensitive about.
How to work out what to do, how do you make decisions? With me I just let things unfold, and I can always pull out if I don't like someone further down the line
but it makes it so clear already that the C was WAY OUT OF HER DEPTH.
And I have talked with two therapists today and it was clear by just talking with them, that the C was not the right person to work with, she was not trained to that level.
Today one T talked directly to my inner child and before I knew it, I was talking from taht part and then I started shaking and my teeth chattering and I could not think or speak. She said I was releasing trauma stored in the body and then I sort of did what I call 'resting' where I don't hear what people are saying, like I have gone slightly blank and she pointed out that I was dissassociating, and no one explained that THAT is disassociating and so I was amazed - as I do that A LOT.
So two big things - but then I had an hour across bleak rainy moors back home, in driving rain and I was still slightly shaking and she said what would help? So I said (first time ever)"a hot cup of tea would really help" and she said she does not give clients hot drinks.
That seemed so formal to me, I was just in shaking mode and I needed to drive back across the moors in rain and there is no where to GET tea.
so that did not feel so good.
the other T is only 20 minutes away and I talked with her on the phone and she seemed completely unfazed by the issues I was talking about, - BUt cannot see me until January as she is full right now - but SHE said that with attachment and early years trauma it is NORMAL to go through a period of dependancy and so two sessions a week could be helpful then with a phone call even if it was really necessary
!!!!
would cost me an arm and leg
but hey
remember what I have just been through - a huge argument with a C who INSISTED that one session a week was enough and no other contact and her supervisor and her supervisor's supervisor agreed and so I can hardly believe my ears.
but I have not got to meet her, only talk on the phone.
Another interesting thing:
I had an email from the C in my inbox when I got home but I answered my other emails first - cos I wanted to.
that it is thefirst time it is not urgent to open her email immediately.
I am already disattaching, painful though it is.
I see the psychologist tomorrow for an initial assessment (this must be the third!!) and I have told him I only want to work with him for skills training and not therapeutic relationship stuff, i just don't feel he has worked enough on himself, he is only a psychologist for heaven's sake. teh woman across the moors who does not do 'tea' has done 18 years of therapy, which she was a bit sensitive about.
How to work out what to do, how do you make decisions? With me I just let things unfold, and I can always pull out if I don't like someone further down the line
but it makes it so clear already that the C was WAY OUT OF HER DEPTH.
I am amazed that you are tackling this already .... three cheers and a cup of tea for you!!! I think offering tea to patients sounds really nice ... especially when they have a long drive across the moors!!!
Little confused about why you wouldn't want to work with the psychologist except for skills training ... here in the states, a psychologist has the highest degree .... it would be my preference to work with a psychologist .... 4 years after college, instead of the 2 that a lot of therapists have ....
Also wondering what C said in her email .....
Why was the "no tea" therapists sensitive about only doing 18 years of therapy ... that's a lot of years .... and they should be able to handle questions about experience and training ....
Little confused about why you wouldn't want to work with the psychologist except for skills training ... here in the states, a psychologist has the highest degree .... it would be my preference to work with a psychologist .... 4 years after college, instead of the 2 that a lot of therapists have ....
Also wondering what C said in her email .....
Why was the "no tea" therapists sensitive about only doing 18 years of therapy ... that's a lot of years .... and they should be able to handle questions about experience and training ....
seychen
How confusing for you to have to make decisions about chosing a therapist, that must feel really tough...I guess you're so wary of making any mistakes. The ones you spoke to taday sounded interesting in different ways...
No-tea T certainly got to work quickly..
gosh, that sort of intensity of work is quite deep for a first meeting. No wonder you were shaking
Were you ok driving home? Hmmm I wonder why she doesn't give hot drinks, it's not much to give if you were so shaken up is it?? It is her duty of care to make sure you are ok before you leave ....I know, my T has reminded me of this many a time! I guess I am used to her making me a coffee and thinking nothing of it, but they do all have their different rules and ways I suppose.
It's a shame Full-up T hasn't appointments til January, mind you with a break over Christmas that's not too far away. Will you arrange to meet her in person before you decide? That's probably really important isn't it?
I like Liese am a bit uncertain why you feel the psychologist won't be able to help...
and I guess it depends on what sort of training he has done - but I see a clinical psychologist who is very well qualified and experienced ...they have to be more so than many therapists, so don't let that put you off. You must ultimately decide on what feels right for YOU and only you can make that decision....I hope in the end that perhaps the decision becomes obvious and you instinctively haed and heart know who to chose.
starfish
How confusing for you to have to make decisions about chosing a therapist, that must feel really tough...I guess you're so wary of making any mistakes. The ones you spoke to taday sounded interesting in different ways...
No-tea T certainly got to work quickly..
quote:talked directly to my inner child and before I knew it, I was talking from taht part and then I started shaking and my teeth chattering and I could not think or speak. She said I was releasing trauma stored in the body
gosh, that sort of intensity of work is quite deep for a first meeting. No wonder you were shaking
Were you ok driving home? Hmmm I wonder why she doesn't give hot drinks, it's not much to give if you were so shaken up is it?? It is her duty of care to make sure you are ok before you leave ....I know, my T has reminded me of this many a time! I guess I am used to her making me a coffee and thinking nothing of it, but they do all have their different rules and ways I suppose. It's a shame Full-up T hasn't appointments til January, mind you with a break over Christmas that's not too far away. Will you arrange to meet her in person before you decide? That's probably really important isn't it?
I like Liese am a bit uncertain why you feel the psychologist won't be able to help...
quote:he is only a psychologist for heaven's sake
and I guess it depends on what sort of training he has done - but I see a clinical psychologist who is very well qualified and experienced ...they have to be more so than many therapists, so don't let that put you off. You must ultimately decide on what feels right for YOU and only you can make that decision....I hope in the end that perhaps the decision becomes obvious and you instinctively haed and heart know who to chose.
starfish
Hi Sheychen
Boy oh boy have you had a rough time!! Bad enough what we've suffered at the hands of family but a therapist!!! Shameful!! You are doing marvellously well and will continue to do so. Re a possible new T - the 'no tea' T might not provide hot drinks but she appeared to recognise and meet your deepest need instinctively - I'd be inclined to have a 'trial' period and maybe take a thermos and offer her some tea!!! I always take a capuccino as we meet at the end of the day and are hanging out for one and take turns paying.
Keep taking care dear S.
Hugs
Morgs
Boy oh boy have you had a rough time!! Bad enough what we've suffered at the hands of family but a therapist!!! Shameful!! You are doing marvellously well and will continue to do so. Re a possible new T - the 'no tea' T might not provide hot drinks but she appeared to recognise and meet your deepest need instinctively - I'd be inclined to have a 'trial' period and maybe take a thermos and offer her some tea!!! I always take a capuccino as we meet at the end of the day and are hanging out for one and take turns paying.
Keep taking care dear S.
Hugs
Morgs
Thanks both Liese and Starfish, I guess I am not sure myself personally about the psychologist, he does not seem to have worked much on himself, but there again, I am assuming. I shall ask him that again tomorrow.
I jsut don't get a good sense of him, but then I have been abused by the last man I worked for, so i am going to be nervous of men.
He is good on the phone but he gives little eye contact in person.
Also, he is 'Mental Health' what is called 'secondary services' here - so it feels very different, I am taken into a secure building with peeling paint and a sense that I am a potential risk, buzzed through doors and taken into a bare room, with two chairs.
Today for the 'no tea' T, there were sheepskins on the floor and large cushions to lie on and candle lit and sandelwood burning, with nice pictures and soft lighting. And I pay, and I have some control because of that.
With the psychologist he has already decided I only need 50 minutes every two weeks for one year only.
I have no say in this.
That is quite a good reason not to work with him as with my deep traumas, one year is probably not going to be enough.
and I am not sure he is as well trained as your lot out there, he has no knowledge of body work and he has not spotted I dissociate nor been aware of how to respond when I go into deep states of trauma release,
so - I see him tomorrow, 12.30pm
I keep walking - just taking baby steps
my ex C - she just sent an email suggesting we meet on the 17th instead.
I feel sick when I think of her.
god, what a journey
I jsut don't get a good sense of him, but then I have been abused by the last man I worked for, so i am going to be nervous of men.
He is good on the phone but he gives little eye contact in person.
Also, he is 'Mental Health' what is called 'secondary services' here - so it feels very different, I am taken into a secure building with peeling paint and a sense that I am a potential risk, buzzed through doors and taken into a bare room, with two chairs.
Today for the 'no tea' T, there were sheepskins on the floor and large cushions to lie on and candle lit and sandelwood burning, with nice pictures and soft lighting. And I pay, and I have some control because of that.
With the psychologist he has already decided I only need 50 minutes every two weeks for one year only.
I have no say in this.
That is quite a good reason not to work with him as with my deep traumas, one year is probably not going to be enough.
and I am not sure he is as well trained as your lot out there, he has no knowledge of body work and he has not spotted I dissociate nor been aware of how to respond when I go into deep states of trauma release,
so - I see him tomorrow, 12.30pm
I keep walking - just taking baby steps
my ex C - she just sent an email suggesting we meet on the 17th instead.
I feel sick when I think of her.
god, what a journey
Yuck .. Sheychen ... I don't like the sound of the psychologist ... why is it non-negotiable????
quote:With the psychologist he has already decided I only need 50 minutes every two weeks for one year only.
Sheychen I think your instincts are correct on the one year issue. My newT says that after two years we are just starting to really know each other. I can vouch for this in my work with oldT. Once we hit the two year mark this past January our work really took off and I made a lot of progress and really grew until July when he went crazy with telling me he was not good enough to help me.
I would really be hesitant to begin again with someone who would only give it one year.
TN
Sheychen,
Just in general, I would immediately disregard any T that put any sort of time limit on our work. Therapy cannot be regimented...Our needs fluctuate so much as therapy progresses, as I'm sure you're aware of. You deserve to find a good T who will stick with you for however long you want them there and however long it takes, as well as one that treats you a whole heck of a lot better than you've been treated by your other Ts.
Many hugs. You've been through a lot, but I think you're handling it really well.
Just in general, I would immediately disregard any T that put any sort of time limit on our work. Therapy cannot be regimented...Our needs fluctuate so much as therapy progresses, as I'm sure you're aware of. You deserve to find a good T who will stick with you for however long you want them there and however long it takes, as well as one that treats you a whole heck of a lot better than you've been treated by your other Ts.
Many hugs. You've been through a lot, but I think you're handling it really well.
Thanks TN and Kashley,
Yes, I think the psychologist is a bit daft really doing that limited time scale thing especially when he said initially that it could be open ended and indefinite. Then he changed his mind.
sigh.
I talked to this woman who lives near on the phone yesterday and then she offered me a intitial assessment and I have been getting cross about who they charge about £80 for a first meeting and you don;t even know if you want to work with them yet.
so she replies:
Well, at least we ended that earlier rather than later, so I am left with the 'no T' T at the moment, and have emailed her asking if she would like to meet again and said how I felt about the T. She will probably say she does not want to work with me either.
this is really hard,
I see the psychologist today
probably going to challenge him too
weed them out like nine pins.
Yes, I think the psychologist is a bit daft really doing that limited time scale thing especially when he said initially that it could be open ended and indefinite. Then he changed his mind.
sigh.
I talked to this woman who lives near on the phone yesterday and then she offered me a intitial assessment and I have been getting cross about who they charge about £80 for a first meeting and you don;t even know if you want to work with them yet.
so she replies:
quote:After some further reflection, I have re considered my offer of the assessment session. There are a few reasons:
Firstly, I am uncomfortable that you are clearly unhappy with paying for the assessment session, (this is my usual practice, and that of many of my colleagues), and my experience has been that how therapy starts out is highly significant in terms of successful outcome. My concern is that this situation may well affect how we then go on to work together, if we were to decide to do that.
However, I do completely understand that you wish to look around for the right person, after your recent experiences, and if its important to you that you don't pay, I totally support you in pursuing this, as there are of course, plenty of therapists who don't charge.
Secondly, after our conversation yesterday I realise that you may well need more support than I can offer time wise, in terms of increasing freqeuncy of sessions/time on the phone etc. My practice is very tight at the moment, and will remain that way for the forseable future as I have lots of very long term clients. I am also away training a bit more too next year. So I will not be able to provide this extra time.
Thirdly, I checked my diary and realise that the client I thought was due to finish in January is infact finishing in februaury next year, so we wouldn't be able to commence work until then.
Therefore, on balance I think it best that we don't proceed at this point.
Well, at least we ended that earlier rather than later, so I am left with the 'no T' T at the moment, and have emailed her asking if she would like to meet again and said how I felt about the T. She will probably say she does not want to work with me either.
this is really hard,
I see the psychologist today
probably going to challenge him too
weed them out like nine pins.
Dear Sheychen,
I'm sorry you're going through this struggle to find someone right. I believe it will be worth the struggle. I just wanted to say thanks for hearing my apology and accepting it in the spirit I meant it.
Mayo and Incognito - I'm so glad my post was helpful to you, thank you for letting me know.
Take care all.
J
I'm sorry you're going through this struggle to find someone right. I believe it will be worth the struggle. I just wanted to say thanks for hearing my apology and accepting it in the spirit I meant it.
Mayo and Incognito - I'm so glad my post was helpful to you, thank you for letting me know.
Take care all.
J
Sheychen,
It sounds just as well you didn't pay the £80 for the assessment only to find out that this T could actually not meet your needs and I am also glad you found out sooner rather than later to save you from any more hurt.
It sounds like alot came up in the first session with 'no tea' T...it's a shame that she doesn't feel able to offer her clients hot drinks but I guess each T has their own boundaries to which they adhere to. Did you and your inner child feel comfortable with her? The setting of sheepskins, cushions and candles sure does sound cosy and warm. First instincts can go a long way.
I agree with the others that if the psychologist is putting a time limit on the therapy he may not be the best choice.
Hope it goes ok today with the psychologist.
Good luck with the search.
Hugs
Butterfly
It sounds just as well you didn't pay the £80 for the assessment only to find out that this T could actually not meet your needs and I am also glad you found out sooner rather than later to save you from any more hurt.
It sounds like alot came up in the first session with 'no tea' T...it's a shame that she doesn't feel able to offer her clients hot drinks but I guess each T has their own boundaries to which they adhere to. Did you and your inner child feel comfortable with her? The setting of sheepskins, cushions and candles sure does sound cosy and warm. First instincts can go a long way.
I agree with the others that if the psychologist is putting a time limit on the therapy he may not be the best choice.
Hope it goes ok today with the psychologist.
Good luck with the search.
Hugs
Butterfly
Hi Jones, I had already forgotten all that ! 
No worries
And Butterfly, yes, the setting with no tea T was really nice but she seems a little fragile - when I asked her how much therapy she had done on herself she said "this is the third time you have asked me that !" and I said sorry, i obviously am forgetting things
so she said "18 years"
and I said "wow" laughingly "you must have had a LOT to work on1" ( i was rather impressed)
but she replied "well I think you coul dbe a little more sensitive, "
and I am not sure I misheard.
She seemed offended and upset.
but I have emailed her to check on that.
Just come back from just over an hour with the clinical psychologist and their training is REALLY different over here, in the UK. He just needs three years of academic training after his first degree. He has done - wait for it - 14 sessions of personal therapy himself.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
in his whole life
well I had a LOT to say about THAT !
he also admitted at the end that he felt a little intimidated by me, as I know more about therapy than he does.
!!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!**!*!*!*
So guys, nice as it is talking with him, and it is very very nice, my little me likes to be there a lot, I have to remember and REMIND me, that he is only an interim person whilst I find a good therapist and I must not get too attached to him.
He is offering me one session a week until about Feb. And then we end Nov 2011.
But I may just see him until I am established with a REAL therapist.
So you see 'clinical psychologist' does not mean that much here.
He was really sweet today though adn I liked talking to him.
He won't be drawn on commenting on the C as he is a collegue of hers, but I sure vent about her and her ears must be burning.
I find HE kept the session going and at the end, he said, "we must end here, we are over time"and I said quite honestly 'You are making us go over, as you keep talking, I am not saying ANYTHING!' and he laughted cos it was true.
I talked about how I had posted something really difficult for me on my blog on Sunday and that was really amazing really cos although I cannot talk about it, at least I have written about it. I did not tell him WHAT it was that I was so bothered by but at least I was alluding to something that I might try talking about to him.
but I feel I could run circles around him. Without even pausing for breath.
So the search continues.
No worriesAnd Butterfly, yes, the setting with no tea T was really nice but she seems a little fragile - when I asked her how much therapy she had done on herself she said "this is the third time you have asked me that !" and I said sorry, i obviously am forgetting things
so she said "18 years"
and I said "wow" laughingly "you must have had a LOT to work on1" ( i was rather impressed)
but she replied "well I think you coul dbe a little more sensitive, "
and I am not sure I misheard.
She seemed offended and upset.
but I have emailed her to check on that.
Just come back from just over an hour with the clinical psychologist and their training is REALLY different over here, in the UK. He just needs three years of academic training after his first degree. He has done - wait for it - 14 sessions of personal therapy himself.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
in his whole life
well I had a LOT to say about THAT !
he also admitted at the end that he felt a little intimidated by me, as I know more about therapy than he does.
!!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!**!*!*!*
So guys, nice as it is talking with him, and it is very very nice, my little me likes to be there a lot, I have to remember and REMIND me, that he is only an interim person whilst I find a good therapist and I must not get too attached to him.
He is offering me one session a week until about Feb. And then we end Nov 2011.
But I may just see him until I am established with a REAL therapist.
So you see 'clinical psychologist' does not mean that much here.
He was really sweet today though adn I liked talking to him.
He won't be drawn on commenting on the C as he is a collegue of hers, but I sure vent about her and her ears must be burning.
I find HE kept the session going and at the end, he said, "we must end here, we are over time"and I said quite honestly 'You are making us go over, as you keep talking, I am not saying ANYTHING!' and he laughted cos it was true.
I talked about how I had posted something really difficult for me on my blog on Sunday and that was really amazing really cos although I cannot talk about it, at least I have written about it. I did not tell him WHAT it was that I was so bothered by but at least I was alluding to something that I might try talking about to him.
but I feel I could run circles around him. Without even pausing for breath.
So the search continues.
Just posted this on my blog,:
Poor psychologist, he had to admit that he has only had 14 sessions of therapy in his entire life!!
He felt really uncomfortable admitting that.
And at the end he said the felt a little intimidated by me as I seem to know so much more about therapy than him!
Goodness.
And there was I sitting with a very upset 8 yr old child who just wanted him to spank her - but of course I did not tell him that. Heaven forbid.
So we had rather a gulf of difference between us.
He did say he thought it must be very tiring having a very upset small child inside me which I feel is too much for people and actually my general experience is that that part of me IS too much for people and so I have to work so hard at keeping that hidden.
He also pointed out that my feeling around NewFinder were mostly feelings around my mother. Well, at least he understood that.
He just sort of listened and chipped in now and again. And I was happy to be heard but disassociated several times and started shaking twice. Such a long session but also time flew. What was I doing today? I think LostChild was trying to get seen and heard. I think that part of me was trying to come out. But was not sure to trust him yet, and not sure if he could help or whether he would judge and run from me as NF had done.
I do not know if he can help me. I am not sure I shall get anywhere with him.
Again I started really missing NF, her sweet voice when she said so empthatically "there is nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing wrong with you no matter what others may say."
but then I remember the same voice now hard and matter of fact, saying "you have too many complex problems for me to work on here in primary care and I don't want to work with you anymore."
Really triggers just how my mother was for me.
Sigh. I am sighing a lot these days.
Then I phoned ANOTHER therapist today who said " I don't know how you think I can help you" after I had given a brief synopsis and then she said " I think you are attached to your pain and you feel more alive there, maybe you could let it go. You don't have to hold onto your pain."
That felt very judgemental and so I shall probably not even pay the £30 for the initial session with her.
I seem to be scaring them off so easily. I am frightened that another will run after I start to trust them, so best to get them out of the picture from the start if they cannot cope with strong stuff.
She asked me what I want and I said to know my problems, to be able to use my resources better to cope with the pain and also to absorb the love and care and kindness and solidity of another in a therapeutic relationship so that I can make that be inside of me and do it for myself and that care is important as I cannot seem to care enough for me right now.
She said I need to learn to care more for myself. Oh, silly me, must go buy that 'oodles of caring for yourself' bumper pack from the supermarket, that I keep forgetting to digest.
Sigh.
I am looking after myself and caring for this LostChild, I am trying to find her a safe place where she feels heard and can speak, I am trying to find help for when she shakes and her teeth chatter and when she disassociates. I am trying to find help for the coping mechanism she uses but I don't what her pathologised for it. I am trying to make sure that part of me heals.
Seems right now that I am asking too much.
Poor psychologist, he had to admit that he has only had 14 sessions of therapy in his entire life!!
He felt really uncomfortable admitting that.
And at the end he said the felt a little intimidated by me as I seem to know so much more about therapy than him!
Goodness.
And there was I sitting with a very upset 8 yr old child who just wanted him to spank her - but of course I did not tell him that. Heaven forbid.
So we had rather a gulf of difference between us.
He did say he thought it must be very tiring having a very upset small child inside me which I feel is too much for people and actually my general experience is that that part of me IS too much for people and so I have to work so hard at keeping that hidden.
He also pointed out that my feeling around NewFinder were mostly feelings around my mother. Well, at least he understood that.
He just sort of listened and chipped in now and again. And I was happy to be heard but disassociated several times and started shaking twice. Such a long session but also time flew. What was I doing today? I think LostChild was trying to get seen and heard. I think that part of me was trying to come out. But was not sure to trust him yet, and not sure if he could help or whether he would judge and run from me as NF had done.
I do not know if he can help me. I am not sure I shall get anywhere with him.
Again I started really missing NF, her sweet voice when she said so empthatically "there is nothing wrong with you, absolutely nothing wrong with you no matter what others may say."
but then I remember the same voice now hard and matter of fact, saying "you have too many complex problems for me to work on here in primary care and I don't want to work with you anymore."
Really triggers just how my mother was for me.
Sigh. I am sighing a lot these days.
Then I phoned ANOTHER therapist today who said " I don't know how you think I can help you" after I had given a brief synopsis and then she said " I think you are attached to your pain and you feel more alive there, maybe you could let it go. You don't have to hold onto your pain."
That felt very judgemental and so I shall probably not even pay the £30 for the initial session with her.
I seem to be scaring them off so easily. I am frightened that another will run after I start to trust them, so best to get them out of the picture from the start if they cannot cope with strong stuff.
She asked me what I want and I said to know my problems, to be able to use my resources better to cope with the pain and also to absorb the love and care and kindness and solidity of another in a therapeutic relationship so that I can make that be inside of me and do it for myself and that care is important as I cannot seem to care enough for me right now.
She said I need to learn to care more for myself. Oh, silly me, must go buy that 'oodles of caring for yourself' bumper pack from the supermarket, that I keep forgetting to digest.
Sigh.
I am looking after myself and caring for this LostChild, I am trying to find her a safe place where she feels heard and can speak, I am trying to find help for when she shakes and her teeth chatter and when she disassociates. I am trying to find help for the coping mechanism she uses but I don't what her pathologised for it. I am trying to make sure that part of me heals.
Seems right now that I am asking too much.
quote:Then I phoned ANOTHER therapist today who said " I don't know how you think I can help you" after I had given a brief synopsis and then she said " I think you are attached to your pain and you feel more alive there, maybe you could let it go. You don't have to hold onto your pain."
That felt very judgemental and so I shall probably not even pay the £30 for the initial session with her.
I seem to be scaring them off so easily. I am frightened that another will run after I start to trust them, so best to get them out of the picture from the start if they cannot cope with strong stuff. Frowner
She asked me what I want and I said to know my problems, to be able to use my resources better to cope with the pain and also to absorb the love and care and kindness and solidity of another in a therapeutic relationship so that I can make that be inside of me and do it for myself and that care is important as I cannot seem to care enough for me right now.
Sheychen,
Wow, that must have stung. I think I would move on from that T as well. Seems she has an approach that wouldn't be helpful for you at all. If it were as simple as just "letting it go" none of us would be here and our T's would be out of a job.
Your paragraph describing what you want and need from therapy is all completely understandable and reasonable. It sounds like you want someone to be with you on this journey so that you don't have to be alone as you heal from your past. I also hear that you want to build more coping skills and learn how to care for yourself, but need someone to model those things for you. Again, totally reasonable and a good expectation from T in my opinion. I think you can find what you are looking for. I can only imagine how frustrating that search is, but keep looking until you find what you need and deserve. You are worth it!
Amen...you really are worth it!
I've been following along, Sheychen...just wanted you to know that, but I don't feel that equipped to offer a lot of insight. However, I do wnat to offer my support.I feel really badly about what happened with C, that it seems like the **** hit the fan as we say here in NA, when you so bravely opened up to her about the enjoyment of attention. That was tough, interior work you were trying to do- and you need a really sensitive and understnading T who gets this piece. I had a similar conversation with my T many times, and I just wnat to say that it *is* possible to get the caring understanding and support that you so badly crave and need. Even though, very confusing at times, or we tend to push it away, or not see it when it is available...you know, on a deep level, when the total understanding and acceptance of you *where you are at* is available and when it is *not.*
You take care, now,stay strong-
BB
I've been following along, Sheychen...just wanted you to know that, but I don't feel that equipped to offer a lot of insight. However, I do wnat to offer my support.I feel really badly about what happened with C, that it seems like the **** hit the fan as we say here in NA, when you so bravely opened up to her about the enjoyment of attention. That was tough, interior work you were trying to do- and you need a really sensitive and understnading T who gets this piece. I had a similar conversation with my T many times, and I just wnat to say that it *is* possible to get the caring understanding and support that you so badly crave and need. Even though, very confusing at times, or we tend to push it away, or not see it when it is available...you know, on a deep level, when the total understanding and acceptance of you *where you are at* is available and when it is *not.*
You take care, now,stay strong-
BB
Thanks Guys, again you don't know how much your support is helping right now.
STRM
I too think that the 'let go of your pain' T is not a good one
oh door bell
have to go
BB
I hope you are right
STRM
I too think that the 'let go of your pain' T is not a good one
oh door bell
have to go
BB
I hope you are right
I think I am realizing that warning them of my worst bits, is making them say they won't work with me. I think I shall stop that and just ask a lot of questions about how they work with trauma and attachment.
I wrote an email the the 'no T' lady and she has not replied which is worrying me. I could imagine doing some good work with her, but she may be too fragile herself - and is wondering like the rest, whether she can actually handle me.
I see a very famous psychiatrist - who happens to be someone I sort of know through my own work, - tomorrow, he is very nice and I sent him an email about what is really going on for me (he only kknew I had suffered depression last year) and so he said we could go for a walk together tomorrow or the day after (we are both at the same conference) and he would try and give some ideas of the best way forward.
Hope he has some good ideas. What usually happens is people tell me what I need and then I cannot find them within a one hour radius.
Fingers crossed.
I woke up with my smallest self really missing the old C. Just wanting to snuggle up to her and have her head kissed, like she used to do to that very littlest part of me.
someone yesterday implied (not here) that I have DID, which I don't - I just have a part of me that I have hidden really well that has got a lot of hurting going on. Like many people really.
I wrote an email the the 'no T' lady and she has not replied which is worrying me. I could imagine doing some good work with her, but she may be too fragile herself - and is wondering like the rest, whether she can actually handle me.
I see a very famous psychiatrist - who happens to be someone I sort of know through my own work, - tomorrow, he is very nice and I sent him an email about what is really going on for me (he only kknew I had suffered depression last year) and so he said we could go for a walk together tomorrow or the day after (we are both at the same conference) and he would try and give some ideas of the best way forward.
Hope he has some good ideas. What usually happens is people tell me what I need and then I cannot find them within a one hour radius.
Fingers crossed.
I woke up with my smallest self really missing the old C. Just wanting to snuggle up to her and have her head kissed, like she used to do to that very littlest part of me.
someone yesterday implied (not here) that I have DID, which I don't - I just have a part of me that I have hidden really well that has got a lot of hurting going on. Like many people really.