First off, hi!! I am new here. Okay now that that is out of the way... I had a session today with my therapist who I've known for about 9 years. I'm a female, he's a male. I don't wanna go into too many details about him and I cause I am paranoid he might come across this post.

The session today was overall just really awkward. It started with him actually saying he was "all of a sudden in a good mood" when we got back to his office. He has been greeting me the last several sessions with the biggest smile in the world. This was the first comment he made though. Usually during therapy it feels more like just hanging out with a friend for an hour. I know this probably isn't the most helpful for me but overall I really like this therapist and don't wanna go through the hassle of switching over a small issue like that.

Anyways, said therapist (T??) was very fidgety and um...it's embarrassing even to say but kept messing with his crotch. And moving his legs and it just felt uncomfortable. I have issues with eye contact anyway but I've been trying to work on that. How can I make eye contact with someone who is making me physically uncomfortable though? I do have issues with abuse and rape so this may just be me overreacting. That's why I wanted to get maybe someone else's view. I should mention this is not the first time this has happened. Though today has been the most obvious and awkward.

I also feel like perhaps he takes more interest in me. He's made several comments about thinking about me outside of therapy. Again that could be normal or me projecting on him. I don't know if there is transference issues on my end. Honestly I do find him attractive and a fun easy going guy to talk to. Every one will say this is transference just because he IS my therapist but it doesn't feel like it's that. Regardless I am not pursuing anything and not flirting or whatever. I am pretty sure any feelings I have he is not aware of. I've made my darnedest to make sure of that. It is weird though, I find him attractive but in therapy I don't want any boundaries being crossed by either of us. You'd think since I am attracted to this guy I'd view his possible interest as good. But in the confines of therapy it just makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't think I would ever pursue a relationship with my therapist whether he was my current therapist or not, just to be clear. I'm just...confused?

I don't know what to think. But I had to lay down when I came home and had a horrible dream that just made me feel dirty.