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Counting down... - UPDATED -

room2growroom2growCo-moderator
I see my T in 21 hours. Hopefully 8 will be spent sleeping, and 7 spent staying busy at work. Which means I only have 6 hours left of panic. I am absolutely terrified at what she will say when I confess what my googling turned up.

I don't know what I will do if she says she can't see me anymore. I think I will beg, though that probably isn't the best choice to make, but I seriously don't know what I will do if she terminates. Major panic, as that is a possibility (though slight, I hope?) I'm hoping that maybe she'll take it as a good thing I told her that I found the FB profiles, as they aren't private (and at least her child's should be?) and now that she knows they aren't private she can change that? Maybe I'm not the first client to find this stuff, maybe I'm just the first to be brave enough (or stupid enough) to tell her about it?

I don't know how I'm going to make it through work tomorrow, I have a very busy morning, so I know I won't be thinking about it, but my afternoon is much slower, I might even take a half day and come home so I can stress out in private instead of at work. I haven't taken a single personal day this year yet, so I just might do that.

I feel so numb right now, this is the worst feeling I think I've ever had.

-------------------- 2/28/11 @ 7:30pm

I am home from what was one of the most challenging sessions I've ever had. I spilled EVERYTHING out. I cried for 35 minutes straight, and just when I thought I was done, I cried more. I literally cried the whole session, and the whole way home. At least on the way home it was tears of relief!

Long story short - she didn't terminate me, she didn't get mad at me, she didn't seem fazed by it at all, actually. She did ask that I don't search out her family anymore, um, yeah, I am so not going there again! And she said that she is not one of those "closed" Ts where her personal life is taboo - if I have a question, she said to ask her. Not sure if I'm ready to do that, but for now, I'm just grateful that we're forging ahead, and this is all behind me. Lots more to work on to uncover the root of the need to search for her picture, but that is all in good time, of which I now know we have plenty of.

So grateful for this site and everyone on it! Don't think I would have survived the last week without you!
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room2growroom2growCo-moderator
@ Stoppers - it is completely possible I am testing her. We've been talking a lot about how I self sabotage, and this is a perfect example! I definitely think I'm testing her, a lot. I just wish I didn't have the need to test her, and hopefully, if she does continue with me, we'll be examining that in depth!

@ LG - You're not sounding judgmental at all! I've been asking myself the same question for the last two days. I have to tell her. I don't know why, as when I've googled others and found stuff I didn't feel the need to tell them, but I feel that if this relationship is based on trust (me trusting her) then I need to tell her. I think if I don't tell her, I'll feel like I'm hiding a shameful secret, which is a pattern of mine, along with using self-sabotage to fuel my fear of abandonment. This is definitely a test, and I'm not sure who it's for, my T or me...
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Good question stoppers! I think the shameful secret is what I found. I told her that I googled her my first session, but was unsuccessful in finding anything. She seemed surprised that I googled her, and asked if I made it a habit to google people, which I replied honestly, yes. I do google people, especially new doctors to see if they have any lawsuits, or negative feedback from former clients. Plus, I am of the mindset that the more I know, the more comfortable I feel.

I think I am most ashamed of the fact that I went too far. Finding out her married name is one thing, taking it to facebook and searching is another thing. And actually clicking on the profiles is, well, did I really have to go that far?

I've never tested her before, and I'm terrified she'll "fail" so to speak, in which case I'll be the one who suffers the most Frowner
S stoppersMember
I do not think you are nuts. I do think you may be looking for ways to be rejected or to have her absolve you. I could be completely wrong. Both seem to be ideas that are struggled with in therapy. I personally do not think googling these people (or anyone else) is wrong and that you may be overzealous in the concept of honesty. If you hired a private detective, obtained access to sealed court records, or hacked into her personal accounts, that would probably be different, but simply googling/facebooking and clicking on information viewable to anyone on the internet is not an invasion of privacy in my opinion. But you know yourself, and if not telling her will make you feel guilty, then perhaps it is better to get it out in the open.
ladygreyladygreyMember
quote:
Originally posted by deepfried:
R2G - I think it can be therapeutically beneficial to tell your T especially if you are feeling so much about it, but only when you are ready. In relationships outside of therapy, you may need to tell someone that you've done something you do not feel proud of (this isn't me saying googling is right or wrong, but I do get the impression you feel badly about what you found/did) - this could serve as excellent practice. To know that you can tell someone you've done something you feel guilt or shame for and to see that the relationship can survive. A T should be able to normalize and discuss this with you, IMHO.



What she said!!!

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