Skip to main content

The PsychCafe
Share, connect, and learn.
14 replies

courage to talk

pippipippiMember
for those of you have been able to be so honest with you t or p, how did you get the courage to be so honest. I see my P on Wednesday after not seeing him for three months(not his fault this time, due to me having baby, getting sick and a death in the family). I want to go in there and talk about transference and be completely honest with him about it but I am just so scared and dont even know how to start the conversation. We have tried to talk about it in the past but I just can seem to be completely honest cause of the fear.

I have always been afraid to let people know how I feel, not just him, and it something I want to change but I dont even know where to start. I am scared of showing any emotion, I dont even let my husband see me cry, and I am afraid that I might cry if I really open up about everything. I know there is so much more than the transference that I need to talk to him about and every session I go in there planning on talking and then get scared, have anxiety problems(that I dont tell him about) and just shut down, wont even look at him.

One of the things that scares me is that I will say something in session that he doesnt like or thinks is bad and he will act like its okay and then I will get a letter in the mail terminating therapy. That is how he terminated in the past with me. I know he needed to because I was doing all the wrong stuff but I wish he would have talked to me about it instead of getting a letter in the mail. And I got the letter the same day that I found my biological parents and really needed to talk to him and then opened the mail and found out he would no longer be there for me and I felt so abandoned, which I was already feeling cause I knew my biological parents abandoned me.

He has no idea I feel this way about the way he terminated and I am scared to tell him because it was over five years ago that this happened and I know he doesnt think about it and I shouldnt either, but it does make it hard to open up. I feel stupid about feeling this way and am not sure if it even is worth telling him cause its more my problem than his. And I am kind of scared what his response will be and I dont want to make him feel bad about what he did.

Im just not sure what to do or how to deal with it to make it where I can completely open up to him and in between session it makes me sad and depressed and have anxiety because I wasnt able to tell him what I really want to. I dont know if I should just walk in his office and before I get a chance to get too anxious just tell him I love him and want to have sex with him right there and see how he responds then.

I also want to ask him for a hug at the end of a session but am so scared and he knows I want something and always asks "what" or "what are you thinking" but I can never bring myself to tell him the truth and its killing me that I cant figure out how to do this therapy crap.

I get hugs from my exT when he comes to visit at my P's office once every six months but I was able to ask him through email and in the beginning he didnt think it would be a good idea but changed his mind and as long as I am still making progress I continue to get hugs from him, but its only once every six months and I want that safe feeling more often and I want a way to ask my P but I am so scared of the rejection I will feel if he says no.

So how do yall do it?
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

zzMember
I took it really slow. I'd tell my P something that I thought was terrible or shocking or whatever, he would react ok. It'd reveal the next "terrible" something. He would react ok, rinse and repeat for about 2 years Smiler I'm finally to the point now where I feel like I'm not hiding anything. It's really a bizarre place to be.

The way it worked for me, I felt like each time I revealed something, I was "testing" him, to see how he'd react. So I talked about that too. He said that it was ok to test him. He wanted to know when I thought I was testing him when I knew. That was sort of the vehicle that I used.

I did some of it through writing; letters, e-mail, journals. Until I got to where I could talk verbally.

I think the key is to do what you can, how you can, when you can. Don't feel like you have to spill out everything in 5 minutes. Do it as you have the courage and determination. My T always says that true bravery is doing something while you are shaking in your boots.
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
quote:
My T always says that true bravery is doing something while you are shaking in your boots.


YES YES YES. I love it, Heather. Thanks for sharing that. Big Grin

Pippi, thank you for posting here and sharing your thoughts, fears, and hopes. I can so understand being "full" of feelings to articulate and not knowing where to start. It just keeps building and pretty soon it becomes as overwhelming as a mountain in front of me.

What struck me most was your fear regarding getting another "letter in the mail."

quote:
He has no idea I feel this way about the way he terminated and I am scared to tell him because it was over five years ago that this happened and I know he doesnt think about it and I shouldnt either, but it does make it hard to open up. I feel stupid about feeling this way and am not sure if it even is worth telling him cause its more my problem than his. And I am kind of scared what his response will be and I dont want to make him feel bad about what he did.


I am aghast at what this T did to you. Terminating by letter is even worse than what I experienced. If this had happened to me, especially under the circumstances you described, it would have been a HUGE blow to my trust. No wonder you are afraid to open up to him and that things are building up! You are not stupid whatsoever, you are mistrustful and you have every right to be. It is amazing to me that you are still willing to offer trust to him at all, without ever having cleared this up. You are a very strong person to endure that.
quote:
I know he needed to because I was doing all the wrong stuff

What wrong stuff?

I don't see how you can move forward with any of your other concerns without addressing this issue first. I know it's hard to see, but you should not have to worry at all about how he feels about anything. It's his job to take care of himself and his feelings. The therapy is about your needs, or should be, and the first thing you need is to be able to trust him. And if his behavior damages that trust, then you deserve a therapist who is more trustworthy.

I'm sorry if any of this is too opinionated. Please feel free to disregard anything I've said. I see how hard you're working and I think you deserve to achieve some healing from it. I'm glad you reached out and shared what you're experiencing so we can come alongside you and support you.

SG
pippipippiMember
Thanks for the replies they are very helpful.

Z- I like what you said about testing your T. Maybe that is what I need to. Just take it one horrible thing at a time and as long as he responds well then I will know I can trust him with the next thing.

echo- I am going to try your idea too. I am going to try to narrow down what I need to say and practice saying it from now until Wednesday and hopefully wit the practice I will be able to blurt it out when I see him.

SG- Its nice to know that others understand how I feel and that others understand why I have trouble trusting after what happened.

Here is a little about my story and what I did wrong. I was 16 when I was referred to him. I was in love from the first time I saw him. He was so handsome, he had blonde hair, blue eyes and looked like the perfect guy. The way I felt about him just kept getting stronger and I would find little ways to let him know but would never talk to him in person. I would sit in therapy with my hand over my mouth and looking at floor cause I was so scared and embarrassed about how I felt. So I wasnt willing to work on issues which is problem number 1.
Then after I graduated I found out where he lived and started hanging out in his neighborhood near his house and made sure he would see me there(problem 2) and refused to talk about it when he brought it up.
I would call him almost every night over stupid stuff just to hear his voice and sometimes wouldnt answer when he called back so that he would leave a message and I could listen to it over and over again.(problem 3)
I almost got in a fight with the woman he was married to at the time (#4)
Would constantly try to find all information I could about him (#5)
Emailed him several times a day (#6)
And then refused to ever talk to him about any of this or even try to work through it with him. So I understand why he stopped seeing. He told me many times this all needed to stop but I wouldnt. My friend and I even stole his pumpkin off his front porch one year cause I wanted something of his.
But I still feel like after the four years in therapy with him that I deserved more than just a letter with no real warning. No final session to discuss it or how i felt about it, no phone call. I at least should have got a phone call.
After several attempts of contacting him he finally answered me but wouldnt discuss the termination just said he would answer if I needed to talk in an emergency until I got a new P and then in a year he would relook at the decision he made and if I proved I was doing better he might let me come back. It was a few years before I ever got back in with him and everytime I get something in the mail from his office I can barely open it cause Im so scared of what will be in it. And everytime I screw up I think Im gonna get another letter and I cant deal with that.

I do know it was all my fault the first time but that still doesnt change the fear, mistrust or feeling like he could abandon me again at any minute.
amazonamazonMember
Hi pippi
I suppose you just need to take it easy, give yourself time to learn to trust him and do it by small steps.
I imagine you had a very 'stormy relationship' with him the first time that didn't end good. Since it's 5 years since then you probably wouldn't want it end like this again.
I think that some time in the future you may be able to talk about all that happened in the past and how that makes you feel now.
I hope he understands all that and I really hope he doesn't want to loose you. Have hope and 'grow' your courage over time. I hope things will get better for you. I just think it all takes time and there should be no rush, no pressure.
I think I keep doing it by small steps, bit by bit.
With my T I sort of understand that it's alright to be afraid and stressed out, embarrased, ashamed. That this is what he expects to see and it's his job to deal with it and build trust.
But I am also afraid that it must be so annoying for him, such a burden to deal with.
mad hattermad hatterMember
Pippi, you wrote you were going to see your P today, and I was just wondering how it went?

I am glad you posted this because I think a lot of us struggle with being vulnerable and open in therapy. I myself have been trying the same tactics as Z, testing a little at a time and using written forms of communication until I can get braver and actually say all my true feelings to my T's face someday. The anxiety can be incredible, but I am trying to convince myself that it is better to find out how my T is going to react sooner rather than later, because whether it is good or bad I am only prolonging the pain either way.
pippipippiMember
My session actually went good. I wrote down why I was scared to talk to him and completely trust him and gave it to him as soon as I got there. As he read it I never looked at him. He asked me to look at him when he wanted to talk about it. I told him I didnt want to and he said "sweetheart, you are going to look at me for us to really talk." He was talking to me real calm and like he really cared and I love it when he calls me sweetheart cause its like a dad would do. I finally got the courage to look at him about half way through the session.

We were able to discuss all the reasons he stopped seeing me before and the biggest reason wasnt all the stuff I was doing, but the fact that I refused to talk about it. So today I told him about being friends with his daughters on facebook so that I could see pictures of him and learn information about him and that I had taken two pictures of him off of facebook and put them on my phone so I could see them anytime I wanted. I even showed him the pictures on the phone.

He responded so well. First he told me he was going to stop seeing me but he was laughing and said he was kidding. He then asked me if he looked good in the pictures and I told him he always looks good and thats when I showed them to him. He told me to unfriend his daughters and that he wouldnt say anything to his daughters about it. And said that I need to keep talking to him about this stuff and talk to him before I do it. He said I can tell him anything about thinking or feeling, just dont act on them and that he only wants it that way for my own ggod-not because he cares about what I find out about him.

And I also told him that I love him, want to be with him, want to have sex with him and think about it all the time and wasnt sure I wanted that to change. Then I ended the letter with "I LOVE YOU!" He told me thank you for telling him that I love him and he appreciates the honesty but that nothing will ever happen. He did tell me that he loves me too just not the way I love him, he loves me in the christian way and he really cares about me and because he has known me for so long its different than with other patients.

But to get me to start talking after he read the letter he had to threaten me. I was scared and wouldnt look at him. He asked what I was so scared of and I said it was that he would stop seeing me. So he said "okay, if you dont talk I will stop seeing you. So you either talk about what you are so scared to tell me and risk me leaving over that or you sit here and say nothing and guarantee that I leave." It sounds kind of mean but thats what works for me and he knew I needed to talk to start feeling better.

Now Im more in love with him now than I was before.
strummergirlstrummergirlMember
WOW.

Pippi, I am so incredibly happy for you that you got all of this out on the table, and that it went so well. What a relief to clear up something you've been worried about for so long! Congratulations on being so brave and honest, with us, and with your T.

And his response...all I can think is, WOW. That "sweetheart" thing just about kills me. How he said he didn't terminate because of what you did, but because you wouldn't talk about it. And the way he "threatened" to leave if you wouldn't talk about it. The way he handled what you told him about facebook. And that you can talk about anything you're feeling or thinking, just don't act on it. WOW.

I think I'm in love with him, too. Smiler

Thanks for sharing this, Pippi!
SG
mad hattermad hatterMember
quote:
I think I'm in love with him, too.

Ditto! Pippi,you were so brave, and it sounds like it paid off! I admit I was a little annoyed at first when I read how he threatened to leave you if you didn't talk to him (because I don't like threats), but I can also understand that is what you needed to hear to prod you to finally do it. I am so happy for you to have some relief over this.
Attachment GirlAttachment GirlAdmin
Hi Pippi,
I don't know what I'm happier about: the fact that you were SO brave and courageous to open up to your T about all your feeings or the fact that you're totally safe with him. Both of you handled it beautifully and I think that you're going to find that a lot of healing will flow from this. You should be very proud of yourself.

Happy Dance! Smiler Big Grin Wink Razzer Cool Razzer Wink Big Grin Smiler

AG
pippipippiMember
Thank you. The sweetheart thing really got to me too, not to mention when we got up to walk out he put his hand on my back and that is more contact that I have ever had with him. I think he has shook my hand once or twice but thats not the contact I want since you can get that from complete strangers. When he put his hand on my back I really wanted to turn around and hug him without even asking permission.... but I thought that would go against the whole "not acting on the feelings" thing that we had just talked about. So I think next appointment I will bring that up and see how he feels about hugging patients. I feel safe enough to actually ask that right now even if the answer is going to be no.

I know to most people threatening sounds bad or wouldnt work for them. Which is why I mentioned that it works for me. i guess because he has been working with me for so long he knows what works and what doesnt and he has told me before that it wouldnt be something he would try on another patient. But he knows for me that I really wanted to get all that stuff out and just needed something to motivate me past the fear. It had to make it more riskier to not say it than it would be to say it.

I got on facebook this morning and deleted his daughters as my friend just like he wanted me too and it was really sad. I had a hard time doing it, I went through all their pictures that had him in it one last time before deleting them because they have their pages blocked where only friends can see it. Im still sad about it. But I left the two pictures on my phone and I am waiting for him to call me back (I left a message at his office to call me) and I am going to try to bargain with him on keeping the pictures at for a little while longer, you know, do things one small step at a time and especially since the holidays are coming and those are hard times.

I am also going to be honest with him when he calls and tells him that I lied to him yesterday. I know it was over something stupid. He sent me an email last Sunday in response to something I wrote him and it was pretty rude or as he put it "it was harsh but what needed to be said." He did apologize for it and was actually surprised I even showed up to the appointment (see he knows me so well cause my first reaction was to not come and not call and cancel so he would be sitting there thinking about it during my appointment time.) At the end when we were talking about it he asked if I cried after reading his response and I said no. He then asked if I got mad about it and I said I did. The truth was that I did cry, and did it more than once. But to me crying is bad and I dont let people see, hear or even know that I have been crying. I dont even let my husband see me cry. I guess that will be the one thing that I end up doing when I know I completely trust someone with every part of me. Cause the last time I cried in front of someone I was four years old when my mom died. But I am going to try to take this step and tell him the truth and tell him I lied that way I will now have been completely honest with everything and hopefully will keep it that way.

But I am going to tell him that this is his one time to know that I have cried about something and that he cant ask me that question no more.

Thanks for all the support, it has helped a lot.
amazonamazonMember
I don't know Deja Vu. It must be different for every one. It's so complicated and maybe impossible to explain. I'm not there yet but I kind of see that all of this makes sense. Maybe the whole damn thing (transference) just fills that hole that is in us, because of some things that were missing in the past. Hole that is just so painfull sometimes. Maybe filling it in also hurts?
It must work somehow.
I know that the moment I realized that I love him and that it's alright to love him (it's a bit more difficult when I acually see him) something has changed. I called it: "the big judging eye was gone".
I wish I could tell everyone around me (that's what I do sometimes) that I do have a shrink that I love and it's so wonderful. I think it's like I little girl trying to tell around how wonderfull her daddy is.
I really don't know Deja Vu. I hope it will get you somewhere. I believe it actually is the way out of depression. I'm so enthusiastic about the whole damn therapy thing now, however you should see me in the session...
I think experiencing a little bit of unconditional acceptance makes such a difference. A little bit of lovelike (pardon me if there is no such word) acceptance that we must have missed out somewhere.
jonesjonesMember
Hi Deja Vu,

I think that's a really good question - because investing yourself in someone like that is quite costly on many levels, so I don't think that the rewards should be taken on faith.

My relationship with my T is still new and so I don't feel like I have a sure answer to what it does and how it works. But what I'm experiencing so far - the intimacy - is very much bound up with trust. And so are the depression and other trauma responses I have.

I think trauma teaches you to protect yourself in all kinds of weird ways that don't ultimately let you be free. For me it's like - I feel closest to other people who are in some way inside their own deep traumas. Those people are hard to love, they often can't love freely back, even if they want to. I guess I'm drawn to the promise of being able to share my experience with someone, and of being healed. but when you have two very hurt people together that just doesn't happen (or it rarely happens) - because no one has the skills to manage the healing.

my therapist can share the experiences with me & manage the healing. the healing seems to happen every time I trust her with something and she acknowledges it and sees its significance and shares that with me. I feel her being steady and present and unafraid and I don't feel like I'm going to wreck her or be wrecked by her. the pressure of my past lightens a little bit. Its incursions into my life recede a little bit.

Does that make sense? Maybe your experience or what you will ultimately need from therapy are a bit different to that, but this is part of what it's like for me.

J
jonesjonesMember
Hi Deja Vu -

I get that hesitation too - it frustrates me! something my T did that really helped was to tell me she thought that silence was my way of getting space that I needed, and that it was an important part of our work. Weirdly, since she said that, I haven't struggled for words anywhere near as much!

I wonder if your 'inability' to talk is protecting you too - while you gather the information you need to establish trust. Sounds like you went through such a rough time losing your P in the past - I'm admiring you for getting back in there and keeping trying.

Add Reply

Post

Membership Required

We're sorry. You must be signed in to continue. Sign In or Register
×
Are you sure you want to remove from your Block List?
×
Loading...
×
When you block a person, they can no longer invite you to a private message or post to your profile wall. Replies and comments they make will be collapsed/hidden by default. Finally, you'll never receive email notifications about content they create or likes they designate for your content.
Note: if you proceed, you will no longer be following .
×
Advanced Search
Advanced Search
Link copied to your clipboard.
×

Access to this requires a premium membership.

Be a Patron Member

Get psychotherapy help to make your therapy easier and better.



Yes, I've learned about all the benefits of being a Patron Member (Click here if you missed seeing them: Community Psychotherapy Help

Yes, I understand that...

1. I can do a 7 day free trial and my credit card will not be charged until that period is up.

2. I can cancel at any time before then and my card will not be charged.

3. That once my credit card is charged, there is no refund offered.

Have a special coupon?

4. If I'm using a coupon my receipt won't show the discounted amount (It'll show $7.95). However, I understand that it will go through as $2.95 when I am billed after the 7 day trial. (According to the current promotion, this discount applies to the first three months of my membership - and as long as I use the coupon in the checkout.)*

*Please note that after the 3 months, billing will revert to the regular monthly fee.
**The fee posted below is our standard billing fee (ie. using no coupon).

7-Day Free Trial, then $7.95 per Month (plus tax if applicable)
×