Hi I'm ok,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to this post, I know how scary it must have been to write about this. I want to say thanks to everyone who has replied for sharing their experiences.
I want you to know that you're making total sense to me I'm ok because I've been there and felt all that. I grew up with memories of my dad being an alcoholic and sometimes being violent. There's one story about a time my dad got angry and was on his way upstairs to beat the kids and my mom got in his way. He repeatedly threw my mom into the wall and put like 30 holes through the drywall (her knees and elbows broke through). I am the youngest of four siblings, and my older sister remembers it well because she was the one that called the cops. I was there but supposedly "slept" through it. But I do remember the holes in the wall the next morning and my father desparately putting up paneling before my grandparents came to visit to hide what happened. This was like the one incident it was allowable to acknowledge in my family.
My dad disappeared over the horizon about the time I turned 11 (my parents had split when I was 10). Between the alchoholism, rage and abandonment, it wasn't like I needed to look further for reasons why I might have emotional problems.
I originally started individual therapy because of a bad weight problem I couldn't discuss without getting hysterical. My therapist and I started digging into a lot of family stuff and I dealt with a lot of the abandonment and boundary issues (they were very problematic in my marriage at the time). I ended up going to a group therapy that my T was co-leading which finally got me in touch with my anger which up until then I couldn't get near. Feeling my anger scared me so badly that I fled from therapy. I mean, disappeared, didn't make another appt.
Then I had kids and started having problems with anger with my kids and was worried that I would start abusing my kids like my dad so I called my T, apologized and went back to therapy. (She was great about it). During this period, a good friend of mine recovered memories of ritual sexual abuse. I actual got some books about sexual abuse and recovered memories so I could understand what she was going through. But it was uncomfortable reading the books mainly because I fit WAY too many of the symptoms. My T and I didn't do anything unusual or use any special techniques but it felt like more and more stuff started coming up. Bits and pieces of memories, feelings, bodily discomfort, etc.
I thought I was completely nuts and must be making this up (and that's knowing a lot of stuff that was wrong in our family). But eventually I had a breakthrough and "remembered" the abuse. For me it's been really weird, because I dissassociated so much that I have almost NO visual memories. Just memories of emotions and sometimes knowledged that feels like it just springs full blown into my mind. I would find myself saying that something happened and thinking "who the hell is saying that and how do I know that." I eventually patched together that my father sexually abused me from the age of around 4 until my parents separated when I was 9.
It's a horrendous thing to face that the parent who should have protected you, instead used you in such an evil way. That's why you forget in the first place, because you do not have the resources to face what happened. Not to mention that you desparately needed to nuture the illusion that this person was "good" because you were driven to stay near them.
I spent years working on recovering memories. They would most usually start "pushing" on me through dreams. I want to tell you that it took me YEARS to actually believe that it happened and I wasn't making it up. And even with that when I went to my present T I was worried about him believing me. Both of my Ts have been very supportive. My first T never mentioned sexual abuse until I did, and my present T has made it clear that although the memories may not be clear or completey factually accurate, it's obvious that it happened to me.
One thing that really helped me is that while most of my family is in COMPLETE DENIAL, my oldest sister, has also done extensive work in therapy and has helped over the years by providing information about the pieces I bring to her. But most affirming was that when I finally remembered the abuse, she was the one of the first people I told (it was really hard because there was such a deep sense of (completely undeserved) shame. I actually thought that if I told someone they would be totally revolted and want nothing to do with me. I told me sister and she literally said "oh my god, that's it, that's the missing piece." She described always feeling like there was this can of worms at the bottom of all the bad feelings and that when I told her, her reaction was that she finally knew what was in that can of worms. She later recovered memories of abuse by my brother, which I also have.
It's way too long a story to relate here, but when I was 39, my father lay dying in the hospital and my aunt contacted the family. The older sister that I'm close to, had maintained very intermittent contact with my father over the years. (I had forbade her to tell my father my married name or where I was living even before I remembered the abuse. When my dad would contact her, my response was absolute terror.) She wanted to go see him and asked me to accompany her. She didn't expect me to see him, but she didn't want to go alone. I agreed to go, and it was an incredible life changing trip. I never got to speak to my father, he had slipped into a coma before we got there. I have never been so scared in my life as when we arrived at the hospital. My legs actually buckled when i got out of the car before I could walk in. I was watching when he died, which made the world a safer place, I was able to experience the deepest hatred and anger I've ever experienced and I was able to let the hate go. My sister and I ended up arranging my father's funeral (did I mention the long story part?) and while we were at the funeral home, the funeral director INSISTED (I said no two times, then he just dialed) that I talk to the priest that took my father's last confession (he knew he was dying). The priest told me that my father had been plagued by spiritual and chemical demons his old life, and that he deeply regretted the harm he had done me, and that he had loved me very much. I took that as confirmation that the abuse I remembered had happened. I believe my hearing that was the whole purpose of that trip for me.
About the time I first started recovering the memories, a book that I read suggested that you just allow yourself to consider that what you thought was true and see where it leads. The truth is, you are not rushing out arrest someone or even confront them. You are trying to honor the truth of your own life, and it is your right to do so. I agree with what your T said about the bear. And of course, it's terrifying. These experiences were so bad that we needed to tuck them away for years, decades even, until we have the resources to face them. But always remember that you have already survived what happened to you, now you are just seeking your freedom.
Whether or not we remember what happened to us, we carry it within us. I found out, after years of work and two gifted Ts, that I lived in a small dark cell of my own devising, trapped by the fears and terrors of memories I couldn't face. Looking at them, understanding my feelings, making sense of the ways I choose to act in reaction to them cleared those memories out and may room for light and life. I was able to walk out of that cell into a wider landscape with color and freedom and the ability to make my choices free of what had happened to me.
And something extraordinary happened in that journey. I can never rejoice in what happened to me, such acts of evil do not deserve that. But I have come to recognize that what happened to me is part of what shaped who I am, that I will always carry the scars to some extent, but there are strengths and understanding and compassion borne out of the struggle to heal that are some of the best things in me. I was abused, I survived and have overcome it. It is a part of my experience that needed to be faced, grieved, understood and most of all, respected. But it's in my past now. As long as I did not face those memories I was still trapped in the abuse, now it's part of my past.
Sorry I have gone on so long, I could write volumes (you mean you weren't trying to write a volume?!?
) but it's important for you to hear (as you have) that you're not crazy nor do I think you're making things up. And take deep comfort in the fact that on some level you recognize that you have the strength and resources to face these memories now or you wouldn't be remembering them. Be gentle with yourself and take your time. And come here to talk about it. It can be very confusing and difficult and being able to talk to others who have been through it will really help. This is hard enough to understand when you've lived through it, people who haven't often don't get it at all, so it's important to have people who do.
AG
- to email my T this evening and basically tell her I am finally ready to open up and feel my real feelings. 
(I don't even know how I feel)
). I know I still have a lot of work to do but I faced my BIGGEST fear today. And it feels good. 
I guess that's AG's whole idea of doing it 1000 times. 
