oh dear Forlorn:

I am so sorry that you had a crappy session today...that things didn't go the way that you had planned....I can see why you are feeling skeptical and hurt....Perhaps speaking with your T about this will help bring those tears to an end???

Forlorn,

I’m very very sorry that it felt like your T was defensive about whatever she said. When you talked to her on the phone did you tell her that you felt she was being defensive? T’s should understand that sometimes we perceive what they say differently, and it takes guts to come to them when we feel that they have said something hurtful.

She might have just felt that you misunderstand what she said and wanted to clarify- but she was too harsh about it so it came off defensive.

Whenever I don’t like something that my T says I like to start of telling him by saying something like, “I know that you might not have meant it this way, but this is how it feels to me.” That way he knows I’m just telling him how I interpreted what he said, even though he might not have meant it that way.

I hope you are able to make it through your class okay.

((((((((Forlorn))))))))

I'm glad you "stopped" here to talk about this!

I'm so sorry that your T reacted in such an unexpected way to what you told her. And then didn't press to find out what was hurting. And it doesn't sound like she clarified anything when you called her, either. Of course you are crying, this really hurts...I hope you post as much as you need to in order to get through until your next session. When is it? I hope she will think on this over the next few days and that when you get back together, she will be able to work this out with you.

Big hugs to you,
SG

Forlorn,
This sounds so painful. It's so hard when the one person who is supposed to get it doesn't.

I hope you are feeling at least a little better today and that you can tell her how you are feeling (and she can hear you)when you see her or talk to her again.

oh, sweet forlorn, i just saw this. i am SO SORRY for your crappy session. it is so hard to leave and feel what you wanted to talk about never happened.

was t defensive about the comment that came up that you were mad about?? wow. that sucks that that took the whole time to discuss. i'm not quite sure, but seems you have been going to this t for awhile...seven months?? has this happened before??

i left an appt last week and felt really shitty as i stayed in the 'adult' person in me and the kid never showed up, seemed she wanted to keep me there as an adult, later, next appt, she said that i, as is typical, want to work differently than most. i want to tackle the big things first (the inner child healing) and deal with the little things last (the fuss with another random friend about carpool). and it is true, i felt like the elephant in the room never came out...that is when i posted the bit about her talking TOO MUCH.

forlorn, you helped me out on that thread, and on others. and what happened the NEXT appt was a real turning point i think for me and t. i told her just how i felt upon leaving that appt and why. it took me awhile to process what i felt, and i just spewed to you all on the forum as the thought turned in my mind, and finally landed on the realization that i felt the inner child in me IGNORED and PUSHED AWAY as i was, AGAIN, TOO NEEDY. i told her NO MORE LONG STORIES, and to talk DIRECTLY TO THE INNER CHILD and that she is about NINE YEARS OLD.

well, forlorn, she heard me LOUD AND CLEAR and things have gotten better.

so, maybe journal, or just continue this post to process HOW THAT MADE YOU FEEL and what you want to say to her and what you want her to do next time, get specific, get feedback here, and i for ONE don't mind at all if you just be a post hog like i am at times, and take take take and process what you need to learn and grow with from this experience. ok????

what old feeling did this remind you of?? what did she say that 'stung'?? what do you wish you could have said to stop the conversation from going the wrong way?? was there anything helpful in there?? what did you cry MOST about??

work it through, girl, those tears MEAN something, and are probably old tapes getting plucked!!

massive hugs your way, and encouragement to work it OUT GIRL!!! xxoo jill

quote:

I didn't want to leave early. I wanted her to stop me. Stop me from running away. No one has ever managed to stop me.

So on and on I run....

forgot to touch on this, yes, i am a runner, generally just disassociate, but have run. that sucks that she didn't come after you, i thought about leaving with t1, but knew he would just let me go and i would come back and he would win, so i never played that game.

i suspect, BIG TIME, that she wanted you to realize that you are there because you are taking care of yourself and being responsible. to 'catch' you would set up the mom/child thing, that, as much as we want it, we are adults now, and sometimes, damn it, have to be held accountable to being adults...did i say, DAMN IT!!!! i absolutely hate that part. so, don't take it personally for you, that is i think just one of the tough love things they teach in therapy school that i don't quite agree with for everyone, at least during some parts of the therapy. we need, i protest, to feel that someone cares enough to come find us. but, i think that is an oath they take or something assinine. anyway, put it up to a generic deal, ok? and don't run, stay the course, don't leave on that note. ask HER the hard questions on why she let you go.

i just know every t i have been to has always stated i can leave at any time...i want to send them all the middle finger on that note, so i hear you loud and clear!! but work it out, talk THAT point through, it was not personal, and really, she probably defaulted to what she thought she was supposed to do. you probably threw her one she wasn't really ready for. she is human, too, so don't run. talk it out!! xxoo jill

Still Sad. Crying is controlled one moment then bits slip out.

trying to work today and not retreat under the covers like I want so badly to.

Sarah- I will talk to her again. I originally was going to cancel, never go back, cry for my loss, but even though hesitant, I will talk to her at least once again.

Mac- I did tell her I felt she was defensive. Her response was that she was just "wondering" about why I said the things I did. Which I now think is one big load of *it*. I am not dense. in fact my perceptions are very well-tuned thanks to my fly-off-the-handle mother. So not only did she get defensive, she lied and poorly tried to cover it up which hurts and angers me even more. (sorry, i'm just letting some anger out here but in no means am I mad at or trying to be angry at you. Just steaming, I hope you don't mind my ranting right now)

SG- Thank you. I needed to stop, but am still feeling flighty. I want to go. really go somewhere. leave the country for a while, go to a cabin and seclude myself for a week or so maybe. I'm stressed and tired and angry and hurt and exhausted, I was already stressed before this. I wasn't sleeping, my eating has been completely off, I feel plain uncomfortable. GAHHHHHH I don't need this now!! There is just so so so so much going on. I will see her tomorrow. I have a party to go to tomorrow night for my birthday. I don't want to feel like crap then still. I'm worried about seeing her and it making things worse. then I'd just hide in bed all night away from everyone. Why did she have to be this way Now. I am overwhelmed.

Seablue- I'm not necessarily better as you see. but I'm trying to work, function, stop randomly crying and having to pretend to my boss the allergies are really bad today


Thank you ALL: Sarah, MacLove, StrummerGirl, Seablue for your supportive words.

Listening to sad music. Maybe not best choice of things to do. This song matches what I feel. Beating by her actions and pretending my bruises are invisible or make-believe.

"Breakdown"

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.
I'm tired of all the lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Read it all, no need for separating here.
You see what you want and try to justify.
All your little lines,
Convictions and your lies.
What right do you have to point at me?

Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee.
And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me.
You cannot save me.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to breakdown.
It's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
It's not the time to break.

Open up the book you beat me with again.
Read it off one sentence at a time.

Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to breakdown.
Well, it's not the time to break up this love,
Keep it together now.
Well, it's not the time to break,
Breakdown.

((Forlorn)) So sorry your session was so difficult.

Oh jill, I must've been posting my update as you were posting. I didn't intend to leave you out!

quote:

Originally posted by jill:
was t defensive about the comment that came up that you were mad about?? wow. that sucks that that took the whole time to discuss. i'm not quite sure, but seems you have been going to this t for awhile...seven months?? has this happened before??

I think it was both. I brought up the comment where I felt she called me immature. She denied ever saying that and then got defensive. Seemed like I was attacking her, I think, something to that extent.

and it didn't take the whole time to discuss since I shut down pretty rapidly after I saw she was frustrated with me. I then held the pillow and cried. and she just sat there. JUST SAT THERE. for 15 FRIGGIN MINUTES she just sat. maybe said one or 2 things. Said "lets talk about your feelings objectively. Can we do that?" I didn't want to be objective. I was hurt. I wanted to feel better, not view my feelings under a clinical microscope to dissect them. This type of "argument" has not happened like this before.

quote:

what old feeling did this remind you of?? what did she say that 'stung'?? what do you wish you could have said to stop the conversation from going the wrong way?? was there anything helpful in there?? what did you cry MOST about??

It reminded me of not being allowed to say that I was mad about something without the other person making me guilty and turning it around on me. I never got to express anger. And she said I could, but what she meant was, I can do it in limits as long as it doesn't upset her or make her feel bad. Which I am NOT always capable. This will come out as if I am attacking and having a tantrum because I never could be that free with my expressions. Even as a kid, I never once had a tantrum. Never got 'it' all out. and that's just building up I think. I don't know if there would've been any harm in letting me get my steam out. But I hate she brought her feelings into my expression of anger. I felt like that was MY time to express anger and disappointment in HER. Not to have her express defensiveness and then react toward me like I should not have said what i did.

I wasn't what she "said" it was her reaction overall that stung. She threw up her hands in an exasperated way as if to say 'I don't know what to do with you when you're like this'. Instead of just letting me go through it all. She kept giving rebuttals, defending that she didn't say it.

God, I wish I would've not brought it up. But now feel like I know her true colors or something like that. But I don't clearly remember how I said it that made her so defensive. I don't know how to restate it better since I don't think I was wrong. Stressed and temper-tantrumy, yes. but not wrong in expressing myself and didn't have a better way to do it at the time.

nothing helpful

I cried mostly thinking that I had pushed yet another person away from me. That I had made her frustrated with me and she wishes she didn't work with me. Do you know how it feels to think that someone has given up on you and on the relationship. That I've done or said something so Horrible, they no longer can stand to be around me. That anything I have done in the past or any of the special moments, laughter, goods times, weren't special at all because they can be easily so easily thrown away when that person is upset at me. I recently lost a friend and for what reason I don't know. She just decided to defriend me. And I'm tired of being the one to go back and kiss and make up and apologize to another. NO, WHAT ABOUT ME!!!

Am I never worthy for someone else to come to me. Is my company so poor, so unnecessary that I can be tossed aside whenever people want. ANd I am always left hurting beyond what they ever will. Why do I get so attached to these people who will never love me back with the same intensity. Then it's always one-sided and I deal with hurt. God I hurt the most because yet again, I just wanted someone to hug me. or even if she couldn't do that, then place a calm hand on my shoulder. Something soothing to say she still cared about me. That even if I upset her she still cared. I wouldn't have even minded if she said she was mad! but I guess like I'd want a parent to, still love me afterward. even when I've been bad, still love me. Don't just let me go. Don't just sit while I hurt with a pillow being my only comfort. DOn't just use words when I can't hear them and need to connect. and don't let me leave, go out into the world, driving around dangerously, impacting other people.

she wouldn't have even called me. made sure I was safe. made sure I didn't run anyone over. Why should I go back to her. she doesn't care if I was mangled dead somewhere. In her mind, I'm an adult and responsible for my actions. she did no wrong so anything resulting is my fault. I could be dead, she'd never care, just happy to have me away. Probably assume I left and didn't want to come back. no one would know the true story. and as I realize this I realize no one will care for me the way I want, ever. it's time to embrace a bitter world since it's the one I live in.

I have to learn to push people away more. To keep my distance and not invest my heart. I don't know how to do that yet. I want to be free from being used and then neglected always used by everyone. make them smile, make them laugh, be dependable. good ol forlorn. too easily broken. too confused. misunderstood.

And then T tells me I can get mad, express anger. I finally 'get to' have something never had before and it was too much for her. I went too far. and for me it wasn't far enough but now I've pushed her away too. I just wanted love but it's hard to love a 'thing' and that's all I am anymore. just an appliance in people's life. when I quit working the way they want, then they turn me off and put me aside instead of fixing me.

Thank you Dragonfly

Thank you Smiley

Your hugs are appreciative.

Sorry my posts are full of rants.

I can so relate to your posts forlorn...I'd like to send you many hugs..I agree with Draggers that they aren't just rants but beautifully written...I can really understand where you are coming from and can relate to much of what you say...feeling like an appliance..having people abandon you when you show anger, etc...I wish I could offer you some comfort...I'll be reading to see how it goes w/your next session if you want to share it...many hugs ((((( ))))).....mlc

Jill, I want to thank you for asking the thinking questions. I meant to show gratitude for them in my responding post but sort got lost in spewing about my pain.

Thank you sis!

Yes the tears mean something but now I'm just worried they mean I'm nuttier than a jar of Jif.

2 hours to go

My thoughts are swirling. Emotions are numb. I feel drained. Numb. Angry at myself. So mad at me right now. 

Feeling at fault. Not for the argument but for everything. 

She was just a woman. Just a woman with a job. A job to let people talk. That is all! Nothing more than that. She promised me nothing. Yet I put extra roles on her and extra expectations. I expected this woman, this stranger to me, to enter my life, and enter my heart and heal me. I was hurting terribly when I first met her. She seemed so gentle and made me feel like I was loved. 

But she never was meant to give those things. I assumed too much. There was never anything there between us. I was never special, I only wanted to be. How can this woman love me when I am ruined. Broken. And never satisfied. Stubborn. Tormented. Needy. Expectant. Longing. Crushed. Miserable. Torn. Bitter. Bitter bitter. Bitter bitter. 

What I'm MOST upset about is that I loved her. Soo sooo soooo much. I knew better from being hurt by last T not to love again. Now I've lost again. And my heart, my poor fragile heart can't stand this. 

Little one doesn't know why I'm not protecting her from these things. Great, she's mad at me too. 

Maybe I really wasn't meant for therapy. This is hard but this has nothing to do with the issues I came to therapy to work on. So if I'm so hung up in dealing with therapy heartbreaks, how will I ever get to working on my issues. 

I wished loving myself was enough and then I would not need the love of others. But I don't even know how to love myself. 

I'm so lost. 

Dear Forlorn,

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in, but I'm glad you're here giving your emotions the space they need.

My former T always said that therapy was a place to try out new behaviours, things you wouldn't be able to do in the "real world." If you were never allowed to be angry in your life, then therapy is the perfect place for you to be angry. To practice getting angry, talking about it, and resolving it. I think it was very courageous of you to bring it up with your T.

But your T needs to do her part. She needs to listen in a non-judgmental way about what you're feeling and what about her behaviour triggered that. If she's not doing that, it is not your fault. It's hers. She may be doing some therapist thing that I don't understand, but getting defensive when you're telling her how you feel about something she said or did sure doesn't sound helpful to me.

You're working so hard, Forlorn. Please don't give up hope.

--agent

Forlorn you sound so unhappy (and I perfectly understand why - a lot of what you’re expressing is exactly how I feel when something goes tits up with a T, actually especially with a T.) You talked about 2 hours to go, was that until your next session?

No matter what, this is something you need to talk to her about - maybe, just maybe, she didn’t mean her response in the way you experienced it (yeah I know that’s a classic T type thing to say, but I’m hoping that next session you will be able to resolve it to the point where you can trust her again.)

(((( Forlorn ))))

LL

oh sweet friend. i hear you so loud and clear. i hear you give and give and give, and they take and take and take, and, in a therapy situation, you let it rip, and she f-ing can't handle it.

forlorn, this is more about HER than it is about YOU. and while i say this, don't think you have to leave her. a part of my healing is letting go of the fairytale that someone can heal us, match us perfectly, work well with every whim, etc. and, not that i am on her side, but, she didn't handle this well, and it is not YOUR fault. whether she picks up the pieces correctly or not, i have no clue, but this is more about her.

you are right to feel that they are the blanking EXPERT we are paying them so dearly to be!!!!

i don't quite know what to say, but i feel your pain and wish so much i could say the right thing to make it go away, but really forlorn, we are both somewhat damaged goods in that our love need as a child was NOT F-ING MET!! and we have this aching pain to have it met, and the reality is, that is still, for me, don't want to assume you, a childhood 'wonder' of a dream that won't come true in that all and perfect way.

again, i am always touting that book 'necessary losses' (voirst) but it is SO good on discussing reality versus fantasy, and i see so much of my pain in getting my love needs met rests in the childhood 'dream' of what it would feel like.

your t screwed up, she probably was overwhelmed and just didn't know how to handle it. i too fear just grossing mine out so much that she will boot me out. and what they f-ing don't realize is we need at least the pretence of unconditional love, ONCE in our life to let us feel that wall.

i am probably not making much sense, but your need is real, but is coming from the child in you, i suspect, as it does from me. and we got SCREWED in the 'stork picking our mommy' department, and, like diabetes, or a horrible birthmark or something else someone can't do anything about, we are going to have to somehow adjust our bodies to intellectually understand this is 'our birthmark', and it will always be there, and we can HEAL LOTS through therapy, but it will be a bumpy road, and you hit a major BUMP.

please don't hang therapy up. i know what you mean, i feel like i must be the oddest 'nut' mine has seen, but we probably aren't....and even though it seems that you are in therapy sometimes to deal with F-ING THERAPY!!! know there is some education and healing and learning going on even in this silly therapist/client relationship that will be in your take-away gain from therapy.

i know i don't make much sense, but i have this hope that this is, in time, an enlightening experience for you and helps you to better your relationship with your t. i know it sounds like bunk, but, i guess, what else CAN you hope for!! and it could be true.

and one day, you and i will NOT be so desparate for anothers love, and the balance in friendships and other relationships will be more 'normal'...we won't feel like we NEED their love, and, just like getting a cat to come to you, when you don't try so hard, we appear a hell of a lot more interesting to the other party.

i want to pick you up and squeeze you right now, and be the last one to let go...

i dunno, i know i am nobody, but, i really like you, and i just know one day things will be better.

onward through the fog, i am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!! much love, jill

(((((Forlorn)))))

Oh my dear, Forlorn, I hear in every word the gut wrenching pain you are feeling! I wish there was something I could say to relieve it. I hope you find it helpful to share it here with such raw honesty. I could have written almost every word that you wrote had I been strong and courageous enough not too long ago. I've not processed all of that yet so I am not going to say more than that. You mention several things you know that you need and a few things that you are doing that you know are not helpful. Regardless of which, it is really good that you recognize and can name them.

When I read:

quote:

She threw up her hands in an exasperated way as if to say 'I don't know what to do with you when you're like this'.

I thought of your comment in another thread where you mentioned how you teach your T what you need. Since you have done it before, maybe you can share what you have so clearly articulated on this thread during your next visit with her and use it to teach her what you needed from her.

I so hope you get a corrective response where you feel seen and heard!

deeplyrooted

Sorry, I really feel like I stepped out of the loop. I wasn’t running away as much as I was stressed trying to get things done and not let my mind take over.

First, thank you mlc, agent, Lamplighter, jill, and deeplyrooted for your supportive words.

Update:

I did see her on Saturday. I felt awful like I didn‘t know what to do anymore. Like I misunderstood the whole process and had been going left when I was supposed to go right. Idk, that’s just how I felt. So I brought some of the things I said in these posts about her and the situation. I wasn’t comfortable talking about the incident or letting her read my words, but I ended up letting her read while I drew.

And I think my words upset her. But she was better at not showing upset.

I told her it’s not easy for me to talk and it seems like that whole process just expects that people WANT to come in a talk. I feel like there are other ways to repair than talking it out or if I must talk, then I need her to help draw it out of me. She seemed to agree to that, I think. She did say some of the kids she sees don’t feel comfortable talking either and they can hide behind the pillows. Which is ironic, since I hide behind the pillows too. So I guess she does get more of the 6 year old me than I thought I was showing. But it frustrates me that I don’t know if she “gets” that. Doesn’t she understand she’s been working with a 6 year old most of the time. That treating me like an adult has been what been making this process difficult. And yet, I know, I know what y’all are saying. “you ARE and adult Forlorn, you are.”

But at least I’m not as upset. Adult me is accepting that she’s human. Child me is afraid she’s mad at us somehow still and is still afraid of pushing her away and doing something wrong.

Mlc- your words did offer me comfort. Thank you. I felt like I was wallowing but it helped to not be alone in this.

Agent- I think because we never specifically covered how I was lacking angry expression from my past, this whole thing threw her. I don’t want to read into things but I can’t help but “notice” everything negative when I’m interacting with someone. So every gesture or upsetting look she had made me go into “uh oh” mode. She said I need to tell her how to respond to me and that she was not frustrated with me. I stuck back where I was at the beginning in a way. Wanting to believe and trust her but finding it harder to do since this rift.

LampLighter- yeah it was a 2 hour countdown til next session and I was filled with dread. Not at seeing her, but at not knowing how to react to her anymore and not knowing if she’d just brush the whole thing under the rug like some Ts try to do. But we talked. I think I hurt her in some things I said on paper. When I read them again afterward they even stung a little to me. As far as trusting her again… We had a whole back and forth on how I can’t seem to understand why she’s want to work with me since I’m a difficult patient. She could easily replace me with a simpler one. I still don’t understand it. But she keeps saying she wants to work with ME. I don’t know why though. I’m pretty sucky and nowhere near fixed.

Sis- You wanna know what was so hard about this interruption or hiccup in our relationship. It’s that I thought she WAS my perfect match. I was hesitant to really admit it, but I did. I thought she was 105% awesomely awesome and loved me and wanted me and we were great working together…….

Well, so that’s a bit of childish thinking I know. But then I saw that frustrated exasperated side of her and it was directed AT me and I panicked. Then I fell into bitter despair. The words that I think hurt her was my wishing I hadn’t gotten this close. That she was just “some stranger” “there was never anything between us”. I think that hurt her to know. But the reality is that I am too close and was filtering with rosey lens. So then any bad thing she did was amplified because she’s perfect and should never ever do any wrong.

But you made perfect sense. Esp the “stock picking our mommy” bit. Totally relate. Which is why I wanted to pick the “perfect mommy” this time in her?????? Whoa. And then she’s not perfect. Double whoa.

Quote:
“and one day, you and i will NOT be so desparate for anothers love, and the balance in friendships and other relationships will be more 'normal'...we won't feel like we NEED their love, and, just like getting a cat to come to you, when you don't try so hard, we appear a hell of a lot more interesting to the other party.”

OMG I totally get this and like it. I can’t wait for that day!!!

And Jill, gasp!!! You are too somebody!!!! And I like you too. Keep sending the love this way and I’ll send some right back at you!


Deeplyrooted- thank you. I wasn’t sure what made me write but it felt better feeling like you all were listening. Not at all courageous tho, I’m afraid. What was most scary was sharing my words with T. I didn’t edit them, just let her read my pain and if that was the end then I’d have to be ready for it to be the end somehow.

But I don’t think it was the end. Unless, of course I want it to be.

What do I want? That is the question.

I can try to answer it here, now.

I want, to know who I am. That I have a personality that is my own and not just the leftovers, crumbs, and cutoff bread crusts or my mom and my childhood.

I want, someone to like who I am and to accept me with my faults.

I want to accept them too!

I want to not be so angry all the time.


Ok whoa, so sorry gotta stop doing this exercise that I started all by myself. Not ready to face all my wants yet I guess. Things started getting a little scary.

But moral of the story, I will try to see her without my perfection lens, and just know that I have someone willing to work it out with me even if we do hiccup from time to time.

I will “teach” her more about me and my needs/expectations. We should probably talk again about those boundaries and how it will be impossible to get all I want from just her.


Again, I can’t thank you ALL enough. Everyone who has offered me support and kindness in your words, thoughts, or just by stopping by to read my words, you are all very special and appreciated. I feel like I can’t say enough to let you all know that.

And I feel bad but want to add, I hope I am somehow able to offer comfort to you all as well. I hope I have not been taking too much and not giving enough of my support. I do really care for you all. ((((((((()))))))))

Thanks PG!

We have been working it out. Although my mis-wired mind starts thinking all the small innocent things she does is a personal attack against me and I now have to fight with myself because I know it's not true.

But I'm all in knots lately. And I haven't even been able to express how I've been feeling lately with words. maybe next session I should try writing or drawing.

Thank you for understanding me!

FORLORN:
My poster came late, i noticed..It was ment for your first poster. Just wanted to respond to you forlorn:

So sorry for you. It REALLY SUCKS with sessions where you arrive in a good mood, leaving feeling terrible.. Its so hard to accept that part of therapi. I am always so disapointed those times, and hates it when i figure out, that i`v (ONCE AGAIN) putted my T on a Pidestal (?) witch he cant seem to fit, in reality.. (if it makes sense?)

if its any good to you: When the T seem sefencive - it must be because she may have felt guilty in whatever it was that you were angry at her for. Mayby she was sad because she new you`de right to be angry at her..

I hope she figures out -before your next apt.- what she sayd/did wrong and makes it all right again..Mybe explains her part, and show interest in your sadness.. Often, after a bad bad session, like you describe, follows a good session again. I hope so. DONT STOP GOING- The hurting is hard, but stopping therapi at this point, without exploring what really happened that session, sound.. sad.. You deserve to end therapi feeling happy, glad, full of life and good-spirit.. Dont end with all this bad-feeling between you.

sorry my english, Its hard to give adwise when i cant find the right words.. Hope you find comfort until your next apt. Mayby write down your feelings now, and read to her next time?
sometimes just taking the time helps also.. i dont know.
- Good luck

That's ok Frog.

I hate that the situation was so difficult. And of course looking back, I totally blame myself.

But yes I understand, I put my T on a pedestal too and she doesn't quite fit so I just keep thinking "it's ok just stay up there anyway" lol.


and dare I risk saying it out-loud... That's it's gotten better with her. (gasp) but I see her trying and I have some evidence of a few times she's thought especially about me out of session. I'm trying to be sure to keep her in the appropriate perspective though.

She my T and she's human and flawed.

wow, I just went back through some of my old posts (Thanks for reminding me of them LadyGrey)

And I totally forgot about this messy situation with ex-ArtT.

Damn, I should've seen this termination coming. How did I not see it coming?!

therapist, hmpfh!