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6 replies

crossed boundaries

W wallyMember
Hi all.
I'm new here. Would appreciate some opinions on my dilemna. I've been seeing a therapist for a few years and a huge amount of good work has been done. However things changed in the last few months and her stuff got into room. I saw her pain with relation to her own problems. It happened unintentionally but I ended up getting hurt as a result. We had a serious rupture a few months ago due to her having her own issues to deal with but we worked hard to repair it and we did and I began to feel I could finish therapy, which was difficult as I was very attached to her. So I decided to finish. She had offered friendship a few months ago to me which she said we could have after therapy finished so this was in my head and made the thought of finishing easier. However at what was supposed to be the finishing session, she said no we couldn't be friends as she wanted me to be able to come back to her at any stage if i needed more therapy. And she was right to say that. My problem is that she should never have offered friendship in the first place as now i am really hurt. I went back for another session and said this to her, She apologised and was genuinely upset and admitted she had a blind spot when it came to me and allowed her stuff into the room and her desire to look after me in the real world led her to offer friendship. We had a good session but i am still very hurt and am wondering now if I should go back to her again or else see someone else to work through the pain and anger I feel.
I love her very deeply and always will and we have a very deep connection but she didn't mind the therapeutic relationship.
Any advice anyone.
Thanks
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greeneyesgreeneyesMember
Hi Wally,

Firstly, welcome to the forum.

I'm really sorry to hear what happened with your T. She overstepped her boundaries and you are understandably hurt and angry.

You have been able to repair a big rupture with her in the past and it sounds like that was of therapeutic value for you. Yet, it also seems like your T repeatedly ended up bringing her own issues into your therapy, which would make me question her ability to really work through this with you.

I guess you could always get an opinion from someone else and then decide?

Good luck and let us know how you go
W wallyMember
Thank you.
It's comforting to realise that I am not the only one who has had this experience. T is currently on holidays for a month so I am deciding whether or not to go back to her or to someone else. She is genuinely upset and says she didn't think when she was offering friendship. I had spent the last few months working to regain my trust in her as a therapist. I trust her completely as a woman. I had told her that I was questioning her ability to be a therapist given what she had going on in her own life and that I felt she had lost objectivity with me as a client. She didn't think she had but at the last session she had realised that she had. I am afraid to go to someone else cos I don't want all the good work that we did do to be tainted. I told her that and she feels the hurt and anger I have should be worked out with her. She is bringing her stuff to her supervisor and her therapist. Maybe in a months time she may be in a better place to help me get through this hurt. Or maybe I just need to let it go, let her go and work with someone else. But I do want to end my therapy with her well as this stage as I would like in the future to go back to her as a therapist if other issues come up in my life that I need support with. So I don't know if it's better to work with her on this or with someone else. I think I may go see another therapist anyway to get a second opinion. Oh it's not easy this therapy business. Sometimes it feels as if the cure is worse than the disease!
Thanks for you advice. It really helps.
W wallyMember
Hi everybody
Just to update you all.
Well I went to see another therapist and she said that there was total enmeshment between my old T and me and that boundaries were not held by the T. She advised not going back to old T, that it was time for me to let go. Letting go is hard for me to do.It took me seven years to leave an unhappy marriage and three attempts to leave before I finally let go. She said that I wasn't minded in the room and I needed to develop better boundaries and protect myself and going back would do more harm than good. So she's advising that I go to a different therapist who's very good with boundary issues and is a man. I told her I didn't want to go to a man but she said it would be better for me at this stage. So I don't know. She said that I shouldn't go to see this new therapist until I was completely ready to finish with the old T. I need to decide now not to go back and have no contact at all with her. So now I am trying to be brave enough NOT to go back to old T, to move on and work on my core issue of learning to let go and live.
Thanks all of you for sharing your stories.
This is heartbreaking to have to let go and never see old T again. But maybe it's for the best.
W wallyMember
Hi Red Tomato
I think she's recommending a man because both my ex-husband and father were emotionally unavailable to me. And in particular I've carried my father's emotional distance with me all my life. My first reaction to a man therapist was to say NO, as I wouldn't want to end up falling in love with him or anything but she says that wouldn't happen as the T she has in mind is very boundaried and I do need that as my experience with old T has shown me how weak my boundaries are sometimes. I take on too much of other people's problems which is what I did with old T and was allowed to do which is what is so heartbreaking for me.

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