Hi Butterfly- and welcome (i hope i`ve welcomed you before?!) Your posting is just great, dont worry, i think replies are always very welcome!

I am very glad you bringin up this topic Butterfly. Me neither have "managed" to cry in front of T. so i deeply relate to the pain you also feel about this "lack of ability to cry"- and how strong the wish is to "let the guard down". Its so frustrating not being able to show the true emotion.. Seriously- i think one of my goals in therapy is to be able to cry there. It would be such a break-through for me and the relation. (I only had tears in my eyes once, but then i became aware of it and i was right back in the numb-state)

Have you talked to your t about it? F,ex when your getting sad- do you let your t know? At least i think it would be good for both of you- if you told your T about this pain and let it be exploored. You seem to know why you dont cry in front of T, but perhaps not how it can change? That caunts for me as well..

Lately i`ve been thinkin that perhaps if i focus on my sadness, before entering the therapy-room and just allow myself to not distance from it (very hard, because i kind of loose contact with my emotions during the session) and also ley down on the divan (do you sit or lie down?) it would be easyer to not be distracted of my T. I`ve been in therapy almost 2 years, and i do trust my T, but its like a giant block i`ve trapped around my sadness. And i think cryin in therapy -at least for me- must be the most reliefing/healing act.

Can i ask how often you go in therapy? I guess the more sessions you have will have an inpact on this.

Thanks again for great topic!

Hello Butterfly and welcome to the forums.

I don't know if we've "met" yet (and forgive me if we have, I'm a bit out of it lately).

But talk about timing, I just had my first "real cry" with my T today. I say real, because I've been weepy before and even shed tears but they were mostly quiets ones.

For the longest time, I longed to have a good hard deep cry with my T; a real sobbing, heaving, blubbering sort of cry. I somehow figured it would help me let go of some of my pain if I could do that.

And I would even think of things that I was sure would trigger it, but for the longest, I just could not cry with her. And it frustrated me cause I wanted to show her that pain and be able to have someone witness it with me.

So it finally came and I doubt it would've happened if it weren't the right alignment of mood, timing, and triggers. She said one sentence, "you are not alone" and I lost it.

But the alignment is important I think. I wasn't feeling well today, it was at the end of the session (which is always hard for me), we are struggling lately, my meds aren't working, life is hitting me extra hard, etc...

so that little sentence just triggered the flood that has been pent up for so long.

And I say this whole long and drawn out post to give you hope that with time and the right circumstances, you too will have your cry.

I know where you're at right now. It sucks crying alone cause then no one ever sees the sadness held inside and they assume everything is ok.

(((Butterfly)))

Welcome Butterfly and your input is great! I was brought up much the same as you...I grew up in the era of "I'll give you something to cry about!" or "crying isn't gonna fix anything" and slowly I've learned that yes, if I compare what it is I have to cry about to what someone else may have to cry about, there is always someone worse off. If I cry only when I think it fix anything I would never cry. It took a lot for me to finally let it come, freely in session. It was never difficult before...to stop the tears. They just never came. All of the sudden I started noticing a shift where it started to take a lot of energy on my part to keep them buried...that is when I realized that I was at a place to allow it. Not force it, but just allow it. It took a very long time and there I times I still fight it, but it is easier. Hang in there. Hals

Butterfly,

Welcome to the forums. I like your name, it is a symbol of freedom to me. I cannot relate to having dry eyes in therapy. I would think that would be very frustrating. Tears come easily for me when I am triggered in therapy but it was not always that way.

deeplyrooted

butterfly. that is a frustrating thing to feel, sometimes i miss my tears, as crying feels healing.

do you think you feel too on the spot?? i know i like it dark, and that plays a big part for me.

what makes you cry alone? perhaps, when you are crying alone, you could journal what you are feeling and read it in session, and tell your t that you want to feel that open and vulnerable, and could t help you to get there? ask questions, talk you through, in her eyes, what you are feeling by what you wrote? just her understanding, and you seeing it in her, could help you feel the connection to take you deeper.

good luck, jill

Hi Butterfly,

I could have written your entire post, word for word- except the new posting stuff.
I too was brought up in a similar fashion, and I have never cried in therapy. Sometimes I try to- but the tears just don't. I most often cry alone in my truck. My T says thats ok, the tears will come when they are ready, and that crying is not a requierment. Some poople never cry- and thats ok too. But I do wonder.

How long have you been in therapy? For me it is almost 2 years. Once I felt a tear when talking about my marriage, but couldn't squeeze it out. IDK- maybe I am just too embarassed. Since my T says not to worry- I don't.

He once said that he thinks I run from sickness and depression. My response-" so whats wrong with that?"
Ahh ... just more work to do.
Welcome- by the way. Everyone here is fantastic- and you are soo right about the support. These people here are wonderful!!!

...after reading the comments, I think perhaps I will bring this up to my T.
Thanks for an insightful topic.

Mayo

I long to truly sob in therapy. I remember 23 years ago having some big sobs with my then therapist, and I cried to her again on the phone on Friday, but my present therapist, it is really hard. I just feel so distanced from what I am saying to her, like not really in touch with it, recounting it, but not feeling it deeply.


I am sort of praying that I will be able to talk to her this wednesday about the thing that is bothering me, but as we are still going to have to recover from the fracturing of the last session, I think that is unlikely.

It is lovely that you are here, I am new too and I feel a bit bumbling, I talk to people I don't know, I came here when things were suddenly bad about two weeks ago and have posted topics and answered topics and feel like i just crashed in here, but people have been lovely and kind and supportive and I think we all know how out of control the whole thing can seem sometimes and it is so NICE to vent here too sometimes.

the only tip I have, is to go quiet and still and not say anything for a bit and really look as deep inside you as you can and see what you find there. That is what therapy is for really, and if it is anger or numbness or tears, it is what we work with.

And one day you will sob, oh yes, indeed, one day you will sob in therapy and not alone ......

safe hugs.

Thank you all so much for your responses, they are so kind and thoughtful.

Frog, thank you for the welcome. I am glad that you know where I am coming from but sad that you have to experience this too. I think this would be my goal too but I am ending therapy soon so I may have to accept that it is not meant to be at this moment of time. I did bring this up with my T quite a while ago but found it to be an embarrassing topic to talk about as it was something I hadn’t shared before, I also thought that then if I did cry it would make it so much worse that she would know what I was thinking. I get the feeling she would like me to cry too. I sit for our sessions. I hope this gets easier for you too.

Forlorn, I don’t think we have ‘met’ but it is good to meet you. I am really glad that you were finally able to let yourself go and hope that your T was able to share your pain with you. I agree, I think the time will come and it is not something that you can force but it is nonetheless frustrating as I find myself experiencing the pain after sessions that I would like to experience in them. Thank you for your hope.

BG, thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I hope your time will come too.

Hals thank you for sharing your experience, I am really glad that you were able to overcome this, it definitely gives me hope.

DR, butterflies represent freedom for me too I like your name too, gives a sense of stability though I know it may have a different meaning for you. Thank you for letting me know crying wasn’t always easy for you.

Jill, I am not sure if I feel on the spot, I do find that if I am feeling sad I will tend to go into my own little world and go all quiet on my T. I think I have just trained myself so well not to cry that it is now an automatic reaction. The main reason I find myself crying by myself is that I feel really lonely, sometimes it comes from nowhere. I have tried to journal what I am feeling but find it really hard to put my feelings and thoughts to paper and find that the feelings have moved on by next session and I find it hard to explain. I may try this again though because you are right seeing her understanding would help. Thank you.

Mayo, I think your T is right, it is not a requirement and I‘m really glad you don‘t worry about it, your time will come, for me I am just scared that I am destined to only do this only by myself. I have been in T for nearly three years. I am glad the comments have encouraged you to bring this up with your T and hope that it goes well.

Sheychen, I am sorry you don’t experience the same kind of relationship with your present T as your old one and hope you will be able to talk to her on Wednesday. I would just be happy with a few tears as I think sobbing would be overwhelming for me as a first time. I really hope you are able to build the fracture from your last session as it sounds like it was really distressing. You are right everyone here is lovely and supportive, what a wonderful site!

Thank you again for all your responses!
Butterfly

It took me many years to trust enough to cry in thereapy...to tryst myself enough to release the tears and to trust my T that her response would be safe and not triggering. Infact we spent many a sessions discussing crying, well before I shed a tear. She asked me what I would want her to do If I cried and what I would not want her to do - I remember telling her that I would hate her to just sit and look at me, so we discussed the ways in which she could respond. That was really helpful and went over it many many times at different stages.

When I did cry she was very kind and supportive and talked me gently through all that i was experiencing bith physically and emotionally - I realised that this was a new skill almost that I had to learn. I previously could never really remember crying. Now I can allow myself to cry in therapy a bit, it still feels scary, but I feel held and safe. I have yet to cry outside of the therapy room, I guess that will come in time.

Sorry I am late to your thread, I hope you can gain comfort from other posters BF, I realise that for some tears come easily but for others - well we have to work at it a bit!

starfish

Starfish, it was lovely to read how gentle your T was with you and that you were able to trust yourself enough with your tears. I think my T once asked me what I would like her to do if I were to cry and even just talking it through made me feel funny.
PG, I think the only reason I am now thinking about it is because I know I no longer choose not to cry. Ending is partly by choice/partly not by choice - long story

Thank your for your replies

Butterfly

Hi Butterfly!

great to read your post! No apologies - it's great when people jump in a respond to threads. None of us are experts or anything, it's just great to get feedback. (I say this as someone who regularly sticks my foot in my mouth.)

Your post is a really good topic. Thanks for sharing!

I grew up having the message that crying was wrong hammered into me. But I cried anyhow. I couldn't ever really seem to figure out how to stop well, or in a healthy way. The tears just came. It was until I was 20 that I could cry without intense shame just about the crying itself.

In therapy, I have cried... but I hate it. I dunno why. I don't loathe it at other times, even if a close friend sees in a safe place.

quote:

Originally posted by Butterfly:
I do find that if I am feeling sad I will tend to go into my own little world and go all quiet on my T. I think I have just trained myself so well not to cry that it is now an automatic reaction. The main reason I find myself crying by myself is that I feel really lonely, sometimes it comes from nowhere. I have tried to journal what I am feeling but find it really hard to put my feelings and thoughts to paper and find that the feelings have moved on by next session and I find it hard to explain.

I'm sorry you are feeling so painfully lonely. I can relate to that... sometimes just the emptiness of feeling so lonely is so painful. many hugs to you.

For some odd reason, whenever I feel sadness that in the past would have led to tears or me fighting back tears, now I am shutting down and become very quiet with my t. It just happened just this last week. I litterally couldn't even seem to bring myself to any words. I ended up telling her, "I lost my words."

There have been times where this has happened when I am alone too. There is something about the sadness that is so... I don't know how to even describe it. And that's just kinda it. Inside I don't have words. So I've started to draw... and I am not much of an artist. Actually, I use pastels (which are kinda like adult crayons.) And I'll draw whatever. One time, I just filled up a page with the color black and grey and blue. I don't really think about it much. Sometimes I will think if feeling was a color, what would it be? and then just draw anything with that color. Most of the time, I throw away or put in a box what I've drawn. One time, I brought in what I drew - I was actually pretty scared to do so - but she encouraged me and reminded me that I have to "check my art critic at the door" and she does as well... so I showed her, and my t said it was "profound." Frankly, I have no idea what was so profound about it. It was just a page of messy colors. But she said it really showed her what I felt in the moment I drew it.

Drawing or art may not work for you, but there might be other ways for you to express your sadness, even when the tears don't come, that can be quite vulnerable, and yet maybe a little easier... I dunno. just a thought - you can totally discard it.

my heart goes out to you.

and welcome again to the forum! so glad to "meet" you.

~ jd

Hello Butterfly
I’m very new here also although have been lurking for a while and have also started to respond to threads and my belief is that we’re welcome.

Be gentle with yourself.
Morgs

I cant cry in therapy either. I emailed my T that that would be the ultimate trust if I could cry in front of him. I have to remain strong, vililent because I live in an abusive marriage and crying is weakness. So I rarely cry and have to force myself when I am alone.
I think if I did cry in therapy, I would simply cover my face until it was controlled.

I feel really touched that so many of you have responded to this, everyone on here is so amazing.

JD, I found your response really comforting, thank you for sharing your experience with me and for understanding the pain that I am going through. Unfortunately I feel a lot of pressure when it comes to drawing my feelings but think it is great that you are able to express yourself this way and are able to share that with your T. I soooo know the feeling of ‘losing words’ its like my mind has just switched off. Is this something new for you? I never experienced that before. I hope we will both be able to find our words again.

Morgs thank you so much for your reassurance. I notice you refer to yourself as ‘old’ quite a few times and I think this site goes to prove that no matter what age you are we all face similar struggles. The letter is a good idea though I am not sure I would be brave enough to do that. I am really glad this worked for you and definitely gives me encouragement.

Dragonfly thank you for the welcome and for sharing that you too are a non-crier. That is a very cruel statement to be bought up with. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. Also thank you for responding to me in what I know to be a hard time for yourself. I have read your posts but didn’t respond as I only just caught up with what is going on, but I want to say I think you are being incredibly brave the way you are handling what I can only imagine is a very painful and significant loss. You sound such a lovely person and deserve to have someone who can give you the respect and boundaries needed to grow and develop further.

Lizzygirl, I too thought that crying was a weakness but am learning that it is a natural reaction to express our sadness. And relieve some of our pain. I hope you don’t have too force yourself for too much longer.

I think my ever nearing ending has got me thinking about this topic and how I may now miss out on the opportunity of someone I trust sharing my sadness but I also believe it will happen when the time is right (or at least I hope)

Butterfly

Hello Butterfly, going to add my welcome to you to the forum, albeit a tad late

About crying in therapy, I am exactly the same. I’ve put myself in therapy precisely for that reason, to be able to get in touch with what I feel as I have a lifelong automatic shut down system that won’t let me have anything I feel. Tears start but within moments this shut down system kicks in and I end up feeling ten times worse because I just cant’ keep going with the tears no matter how much I try.

Even these last few days with the absolutely unbearable feelings of pain and grief and loss I’ve been experiencing with my cat dying - I’ve found that although I’m crying quite a bit in therapy about it (and a LOT alone at home), I’m actually not able to cry for MYSELF. I can shed tears for someone else (in this case my cat, feeling for HIM, for his loss of life and his pain) but I just can’t cry for ME. It’s like a big guilt/bad/wrong judge steps in and makes me feel so in the wrong and selfish and morally bad for thinking of ME that the tears just dry up no matter how awful the pain feels. There’s this sense that tears, crying my pain even alone, is so bad and wrong that it’s much more than just shame at exposing weakness or neediness, it goes so much deeper than that.

I’m wondering if you, or anyone else for that matter, have a similar set up?

I’m sorry to hear that you are finishing with your therapist soon. I hope it’s because you are choosing to and not because the therapy has been damaging to you. Do you think you will look for another therapist at all? How much longer will you be in therapy at the moment? I hope you do manage to let your emotional guard down soon, just to be able to experience having your pain validated by your T if for no other reason.

LL

Hi LL,

Thank you for the welcome .

I can really relate to what you said about your automatic shut down system, I feel like I want to cry but there are no tears but I can feel a real heaviness inside.

I am really sorry for your loss, I know how hard it is to lose a pet. I hope even though you didn’t shed tears for yourself that they were able to relieve some of the pain.

quote:

It’s like a big guilt/bad/wrong judge steps in and makes me feel so in the wrong and selfish and morally bad for thinking of ME that the tears just dry up no matter how awful the pain feels. There’s this sense that tears, crying my pain even alone, is so bad and wrong that it’s much more than just shame at exposing weakness or neediness, it goes so much deeper than that.

I’m wondering if you, or anyone else for that matter, have a similar set up?

I am sorry you feel like this, I don’t think that is how it is for me, but it sounds so deep and painful, I hope your T can help you work through this so you are not alone and so you know that it is ok to think of you.


"I hope you do manage to let your emotional guard down soon, just to be able to experience having your pain validated by your T if for no other reason."

Thank you, I hope the same for you too.

Butterfly

Hi there Butterfly, thanks so much for posting about what's happening for you in therapy. I've read your reply so if you still feel you want to delete that bit, go for it That was very kind of you to risk putting it out there in order to expain it to me. Thank you.

LL

Butterfly, I am sorry, I want to tell you I have read what you wrote. I feel the same about worrying about my T reading. I really don't think they do though...I think it just feels that way to us for some reason. We want so much to belong to them and to have their deep interest in us, that it just feels that way...I believe your anonymity is safe...of course there is always that small percent chance, but I think it would be an extremely low probability.

As for crying...I can say that the only thing that lets me really cry for a long time now, is my attachment to my T. Sometimes the pain of it breaks through and I can cry about that, and it is a big relief. But I know that heaviness inside and the depression that comes with it...it is just so hard. Sometimes I want to cry so badly that I try to think of the worst things on purpose just to be able to. Usually I have to have a drink before that will work though. I don't reccommend that, though. Yeah, it's hard, not to be able to cry when you need to. I am sorry. (((((Butterfly)))) and I'm so sorry about the very painful ending you are going through with your T. that must be hell to just have your T decide that they are taking a break from clients and leave you like this...not fair. Please keep talking about here as you need to. I'm sorry if my scary thread is throwing you off. I truly do not believe our T's are reading here. Be well, keep talking...

love,

BB

BB,

You're such a sweetheart! I know the possiblilty of my T reading is extremely slim, and I guess this would be the one time I wouldn't want her taking an interest in me. It is just my paranoia kicking in. It was a fear I had before I joined and almost stopped me. You're so called 'scary thread' is not throwing me off at all, in fact it is giving me comfort to hear I am not the only one that this worries. Also helps with the reality check

I know about the kind of upset attachment causes oh so well. Can I have a drink with you?

I have been telling my T I want to finish for a while now but haven't actually had the guts to do so, she is working for a while longer but I have chosen to finish next month as I want to feel in control and not like she is abandoning me. Though its hard not to feel that way anyway even though I know its not true

Butterfly