quilter, welcome!!

i am a big crier, i could count on one hand the number of sessions (maybe two hands, it's been a year) that i have NOT cried!

i cry if someone is really nice to me and listens to me, and therapy, well, it is chronic tears.

and i have never had a t react, or really even seem to notice it in any reactionary way. they have never passed a tissue, t3 offered a hug (yuk, but that is another story, i said no) so, i guess what i am saying, is, i think they see it all the time. and i think it is standard protocol to 'not react' or help or hug or anything, but, to BE with us in our emotions and help us to understand them.

i know it feels uncomfortable at first, but, actually, i think it is good you are able to access your emotions and feel. and i can imagine you were exasperated at the questions. t sounds like she comforted you with words and 'normalized' the tears, which ARE very normal.

to me, it sounds like things are progressing well, and, maybe, getting these first tears out of the way will make the tension decrease. but friend, let yourself be open. it is healing, and cleansing, and after a year in therapy, i cry less, but, it almost always makes me feel better to let it out.

therapy is a weird process. and the social rules are NOT followed. so, it is a strange relationship, and some things, like this situation you describe, would be so COLD in the outside world, but t just works differently.

i've read they should not help you with your coat, and other general courtesies...of course, it is one sided, although i always ask how they are...just habit, their reply is always courteous and brief...just nervous energy outta me. so, post away here, you have some therapy veterans on this board!! jill

Thanks so much for the responses! I am so glad that I asked here because your answers totally explained the reaction of my T. that I would have never understood. I guess it makes sense to let the person sit with their emotions and learn how to soothe themselves and how I just thought it was strange because I am used to normal social conventions outside therapy. I will have to learn to get used to this weird therapy stuff It is also nice to know that other people cry in therapy too! I have another appointment today and I know I want to talk about something hard so we will see how it feels to cry again...

I think much of it depends on the style and philosophy your T has.

I have cried a little in therapy and I've cried a lot in therapy. It just depends on what triggered it and why I'm crying. T's response varies as well. Sometimes, she will just sit there across from me and be silent for a bit. Sometimes she will say something like, "it looks like that is bringing up some emotion" or "where are you feeling the upset in your body?". Other times she will sit next to me and hold my hand and still other times she will sit with me and hold and soothe me by rocking, speaking softly etc. I have DID and T knows many of my parts pretty well so her response often depends on who is up front. My T is also a body centered T and that makes a difference in how she practices vs a T that is more talking based.

I do think it is important to learn to self-soothe, but for me, sitting there alone with my feelings isn't going to help me spontaneously know how to self-soothe and manage my feelings. That is just a repeat of the past where I sat alone with my feelings and then stuffed them away because there was nobody there to help me learn how to manage them. Knowing that my T is there to offer comfort if I need it has been vital to allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to allow the feelings to come up.

STRM

I agree with everything you just wrote but especially ...

quote:

a repeat of the past where I sat alone with my feelings and then stuffed them away because there was nobody there to help me learn how to manage them. Knowing that my T is there to offer comfort if I need it has been vital to allowing myself to be vulnerable enough to allow the feelings to come up.

Absolutely, for me that was the biggest fear of crying, that I would just be there in my own with it with somone just sat watching, and it would feel once more like it did back then.

T told me recently when I was sad that I looked like I was alone on an island with my sadness, drew a chair really close and said that nobody needed to be alone on an island when they are upset. That really helped me not feel so isolated and helped to stem that urge to withdraw completely and shut down. Like STRM, I realise that by my T offering comfort when I DO cry, has helped me been brave enough TO cry.....but I still find it incredibly difficult all the same, and some ages in me don't want to cry at all and definitely won't let anybody else see me cry if at all possible.

starfish

Hi Quilter,
Welcome to the forums! You've already gotten a lot of wonderful responses to your post but I just wanted to throw a few things in.

I am a champion cryer in therapy. I seriously often expected a Kleenex surcharge on my bill. In all the years I went to therapy, including the last three with my second T, I can literally count on one hand the number of sessions in which I did NOT cry. I remember my first T telling me when I was worried about crying too much, that crying was just as effective a method of communication as talking. As therapy went on, and I learned to regulate my emotions better, the intensity and length of the crying went down, but a lot of that had to do with the fact that my T had been with me through some very deep grief. I have had sessions where I literally sobbed for 10 minutes straight, when I hit some of my deepest stuff. And what was so healing was not being alone when I let those feelings out, that I knew someone was there, and understood and cared about me. My T often said that being known on a feeling level is the key to healing, and to good relationships. We need to be heard and that includes our pain.

As far as how your T reacted, what was said earlier is correct, the rules for therapy are very different. Therapists in the short term aren't so much about making you feel better as they are about letting you experience what you need to in order to heal, so that in the long run you will feel better. My T has a fairly strict no touch policy (we shake hands at the end of the session and that's it). But the way that he was with me when I cried, (he would often soothe me with his voice while I cried) would make me feel held. That I was contained and safe. That didn't stop me from sometimes wanting to be held. We had one really spectacular session where I basically screamed at him that I wanted him to get up and come over and hold me and tell me it would be fine. Which he took really well because he's a very non-defensive kind of guy and it was a HUGE relief to be able to say it, but I still didn't get held. I recently left therapy for an unspecified break (possibly forever) and we still ended with a handshake. I just want you to know that a lack of physical response does not indicate a lack of caring, compassion or empathy on the part of your T.

I'm glad you posted, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you better.

AG

I didn't want to open a new topic, so I will post here...

Lately I am really down, fed up with my life and so on...and I get this big feeling I need to cry in therapy. I wish I could cry with my T. I am with her for 3 years and I never cried, actually I don't cray at all, not even when I am alone. But the tension in me makes me wanna cry, bot just before the tears should start to run I just stop and nothing happens.

So do any of you have an idea on how to help myself to cry?

I would really appreciate your answers!

hugs

ninna

((ninna)) I've been there before knowing I want to cry, I NEED to cry with my T but can't (I can cry at home - and if you feel you need that type of release I'd suggest watching a really heartwrenching movie). I think BG is right where she says just to embrace the process and let go of expectation. I didn't cry much either for about 2 years with either of my therapists now I cry... constantly. I even cried with my P last time I saw her which if you knew my history there is a miracle. So if you've got the feelings in there, eventually they come. I'm not sure what the difference is between people who can or cannot cry but I know at least for me it took a lot of unconscious work - like my T simply existing there at the same time all the time told somebody with the flood gate key deep down in my brain that we could open up occasionally

Hi and welcome Quilter, we haven't "met". Unfortunately can't help you with the crying thing but wanted to respond to something Ninna wrote.

(((Ninna))) I get you with not being able to cry. Sometimes my eyes actually burn from the need. Most times whether it is in therapy or even on my own I get to the point of being 2 breaths away from crying and that is where I stay. If I am really really lucky (and I consider this lucky) 2 or 3 tears drop from my eyes. Inside I feel like I want to explode and I just want to vomit the sadness up. It makes me go crazy!

(((Cat))) I really KNOW that you mean well about what you said about getting a heartwrenching movie to help you cry, but at one point in time when I was at my absolute worst, and not able to cry for months and months - not even one tear - I started looking on the internet about how to cry, and why I couldn't cry when inside of me that is all I was doing.....well some people made those same suggestions re the movie and I just wanted to scream, because what I was feeling was SOOOOO much more than any heartwrenching movie could ever portrait, and yet not one tear would form let alone drop out of my eyes.

Ninna, I have since taken some homeopathic remedies that have helped a little - I get those 2-4 tears here and there. Sometimes I am really lucky and I get a few more. Regardless of the tears though I have come to realise that when I want to cry and can't cry, I seem to sigh a lot, so I think I just let my tears out in the form of sighs - it is not the same release as tears, but it is some form of release. If you ever want to know more about the rememdies that helped me just ask.

B2W

I just thought I'd mention about the movie thing...that works for me too but not because I relate to anything in the movie. I don't know if it's similar for anyone else, but sometimes a sad movie opens the floodgates and the tears just pour out but I know they have nothing to do with the movie. It's like..a mild-ish trigger that sets off other stuff that is more than likely completely unrelated to the movie.

Anyway, just wanted to toss that in, I'll leave you all alone now. Hugs to you Quilter and everyone else. ((()))

I know how frustrating this can be too. Often I know I need to cry, I want to cry, I think the person I'm with is safe to cry in front of...but instead I make a joke, or dissociate, or change the subject, or, most often, intellectualize it all away. My t says it's because I want to avoid my feelings because I believe they will be too much for me or anyone to handle. Sometimes just knowing that gives me the courage to go further - knowing my mind is playing tricks on itself (perceiving danger, not believing in my ability to handle it, etc etc) and being compassionate of the little kid inside scared to show the real stuff because it never goes well. The compassion is what really gets to me now mostly. When I feel sadness and turn my awareness to it...kind of like saying to the sadness/the sad little kid me inside, 'oh, there, there, it IS hard, it IS tough, you are so scared, you are so lonely' etc etc...tears often come. Mindfulness meditation taught me this. What I've found occasionally in therapy now is that if i repeat those same kinds of words (it is so hard, i am so lonely, i am so hurt, etc etc) out loud while looking down and feeling the sensation of sadness...tears can come. I don't let myself do it often because I don't trust t yet enough and I am worried about her response if I really let loose (is I think it would hurt a lot of she just sat there), but I know the mechanism is there.

B2W - I'm sorry movies did not work for you. I do not think they validate our own suffering necessarily but can aid in the physical release of tears - and possibly more of our "stuff". They work well for me because I have a greater sense of compassion towards others than myself even if my subjective experience of my own stuff is comparatively more or less. Some people are like that and some aren't (and one or the other at different times too - there are plenty of times even an "Old Yeller" can't move me either).

Just a note about crying in T in general - my Ts really think its a positive (I'm assuming most Ts do) but my T will occasionally playfully talk to me about crying (today for example I said I was worried about crying at a gathering of sorts I have this week and she said well I could cry today and tomorrow (with my other T)). I couldn't cry today. Sometimes I feel like the crying gets in the way of all the things I need to TALK about but the pure feeling stuff... so good. Wish it was more often. Sorry just musing right now. I had almost 3hrs of meditation today and before I get deep in to it I get so teary over nothing I even know.

Thank you...

It is really hard...I just hope someday I can release my self... As a child I cried a lot. Wrong finger and I was in tears. ALmost like that. That wasn't right for my family so I learnd to stop the tears from falling...Who would have known that now i'll have the opposite problem...

Tension is killing me...

Thanks again!

I just responded to you over in the Trust Issues thread on this issue because I was having the same problem. I needed to cry in session. I wanted to, but I couldn't feel. I couldn't release.

T has been patient and so kind to me. She said that I will feel more comfortable with time (like the others have said). It will happen. Just be patient.

She also told me "you can snot all over my couch. It's okay." LOL! That made me laugh and feel better. I told her crying makes me uncomfortable in front of her...she said "because I never see anyone cry in here, right?" Good T to keep the humor up.

Anyways, be patient, my friend. Allow yourself to sit with those feelings--get in tune with the sensations of what is happening within you, coach your inner child that it's okay to feel, and give yourself time and permission to feel.

Many of us have been told that showing our emotions and feelings is a bad thing. I personally was told that I was weak when I'd cry or that it was ugly. SO, I have a very hard time allowing myself to do that due to those messages. Those messages were coming from a bad place. They weren't very accepting messages, and I know that all of our T's are accepting of our emotions. They would welcome the tears. It's just time to allow yourself to feel that acceptance and be open to sharing it with someone else. It's scary, I know.

Hugs to everyone--and may all of your tears flow freely to cleanse your soul..

quote:

but instead I make a joke, or dissociate, or change the subject, or, most often, intellectualize it all away.

(((Cat))) I get what you mean about being more sympathetic to others than to yourself - I'm the same in that respect.

(((Unbroken)))

quote:

give yourself time and permission to feel.

It is the feeling that I "deserve" (complicated word) to have that permission - that is where I am stuck.

(((Ninna))) Even though my examples may be slightly different to yours, I agree it was all the stuff about being told as a child that crying was for babies, "cowboys don't cry" (not that I was a cowboy - tomboy yes, cowboy no). I got the idea that I always had to be strong through a number of messages - verbal and non-verbal, and besides I spent all of my life pretending I was fine. I had to protect my image and secrets. To cry was, in my eyes, to be out of control. I would hold in the tears if I was physically hurt and I certainly never told anyone if I was hurt emotionally. I WAS STRONG. That is what I kept telling myself, and that is what other people told me. An image of strength was what I portraited (and still portrait )

Bottom line.....I'm scared to show my weakness, reveal my secrets. I'm scared to have people see me for who I really am. I'm scared of judgement. I'm scared of ridicule. I'm scared to trust.

So I guess when you put all of that into perspective, as well as what everyone else has said, which mirrors that information (when it comes to not being able to cry), I know where the roots of not being able to cry come from, I just don't know how to change it.

I think what I appreciate most on this forum is the level of understanding and that I am not alone in these struggles. Not that I would like any of us to be struggling but it does help to know you are not alone.

's to those who can't stop crying and those who can't cry and anyone else who just needs a hug.

B2W