(((((LG)))))

I know how painful it feels to feel like you have to cut back. I've often felt that way too, that the only way to get over my attachment is to cut loose. I've discussed it with T and he doesn't agree and since I love to see him, I don't argue. He does seem to think that I will get to a point when my life will be sooooo good that I won't even miss him anymore. I really hope he's right.

Just wondering how T1 (funny how we all still call her T1?) replied when you told her that you want to be less attached to her? When do you start your new job? That will help, being busier. I definitely do better when I am busier.

xoxo

Liese

Liese,

(i agree..so silly of my to still call her T1...but she will always be T1 to me!)

She hasn't replied yet to that text, I sent it just as she was going home for dinner so I don't anticipate a text back for another 4 hours (before she goes to bed). If I had to guess what she will say, I think it will be, "Ok." She is usually very respectful of my requests and in the past when I've quit therapy on a whim here and there, she hasn't tried at all to talk me out of it and has always just responded with "OK" or something along those lines. So I do not anticipate that she will ask me more about it until we talk again on Thurs or Fri, whichever day she sets up my appointment for. Its probably better that way...I don't think its something that can be explained over a text. But I also know how painful it felt in the past when I quit therapy and she was just like, "OK". But I think those times were more motivated on my part by a need for attention....and that is probably why it hurt so much. this time, its not attention I want, but its what I think is best for me. So I'm prepared for her indifference and "Ok". I already mentally prepared myself for that before I sent the text.

oh, the new job starts the 15th probably, but it isn't set in stone yet. could be sooner. could be later.

Thanks, Liese. ((((hugs))))

(((SG, Liese, Monte))))

Thank you for the replies. That's all that I can reply at this time....this spiraled into a huge mess and I'm in a horrible state at the moment.

((((((LG))))))

Hope you are okay. It must have been hard to see her on TV and really acknowledge the boundary. It would have been hard for me too. Monte has given really good advice there. I tend to agree with her. Better to talk about it than to run from it.

xoxo

Liese

(((((((( LG ))))))))

Hope you're hanging in there.

LL

(((LL))), (((Liese)))

Thank you. I am doing okay today. I cancelled therapy yesterday, but had therapy today. We did address the attachment stuff but T seemed a little reluctant to discuss it....I think because she was worried it would be too much for me to talk about. Not sure really.


In one of my texts a few days ago I told her that I am too attached because I want her to be my mother and i'm sad that she can never be that. She brought this up today. She said that everyone has just one biological mother and that is all they will ever have as far as a biological mother goes, but that sometimes that mother doesn't turn out to be the mother we need and want. She said she is so sorry that my mother wasn't there for me in ways that a mother should be. She then said something about how people whose mother wasn't there for them seek out mothers in other people. She said, "If I can be like a second mom to you, I am happy to do that for you". I was really blown away by that statement. She went on to say how proud she would be to have me as a daughter. She said that she is so glad that I called her last year to come back to therapy with her after all of these years. She said that she has always been very fond of me and that she feels blessed to be able to give the things my mother wasn't able to give me.

She told me that she doesn't think my attachment to her is unhealthy at all. All of these things felt great to hear.....but I still feel sadness that she doesn't love me.

LG - It seems to me like she does love you. Other than her avoidance of that particular (to therapists it must be labeled a "four-letter") word, is there a reason you believe she doesn't? It might not be exactly the sort of love you're looking for, but what I am finding is I never had a healthy enough concept of love myself to trust my own judgment on what I should be looking for in the first place.

It's sweet that she said she's happy to be a second mom, but a statement like that would stir up a lot of stuff for me. My T has been (quite constantly in recent weeks) making analogies about the therapeutic connection that put him in a parent role and me in a child role, but to have it said that directly would have all the kids scrambling in the confusion that is my disorganized attachment. It's a bit like being emotionally drawn and quartered, I guess, with some kids trying to book it out of the room as quickly as possible and others desperately reaching out to get closer to T.

Anyway, when discussing the whole, "Your job is to leave!" concern that a protector has about allowing the kids to attach, T said something like his job is to become unnecessary, that a good parent gives their child the nurture, support and guidance they need in order to become independent and take care of themselves. He said it doesn't matter how far your kid goes, though, you still think about them and care about them and are there for them, even though they won't often really need you in that way. We were talking about the enduring connection and T was framing himself as a parent who is still "there," but just not needed in that same way.

I got a bit off-track here, but what I'm trying to say is, when I heard that statement, it felt true to me as a parent. I thought about what I would like to give Boo. I want her to have that independence, but still know I'm there for her, that I will always be "Mommy" no matter what. That is my love for Boo, that "always" connection that I know (or hope) she will retain, even when she doesn't need daily hugs or kisses for her owies or help making good choices. So, T caring for me in that way and offering that sort of connection to me is a sort of love he is offering. He can't go back and be my dad. He can't be a person who needs me, which is what I want, so that I can be certain he won't leave. Such things aren't possible in reality or a healthy therapeutic relationship. But he can be someone who cares enough to be there, to comfort me when I'm hurting, to encourage me, to help me learn to make good choices in taking care of myself...to just stay until I'm ready, in a way that no one ever did. He can stay until I learn that people will stay, because they care, even when they do not need anything from me. Until I learn to be loved in that sort of way, which to me is essential to my spiritual growth.

So, what my T is offering, I call it love. I know I can say that because my T has said that I am loved, valued, cared for, considered precious by both God and him in that way. What your T is offering you sounds the same to me. So, I am going to go ahead and call it love too! However, I know it might be hard to accept it as that. I sometimes think it's almost scarier to accept that we might be loved than to be indignant in our assumption that we are not. Allowing yourself to be both lovable and loved is, by far, the greater risk...

((((LG)))) I hope I made some sense there. I'm glad you are doing OK with spacing out your therapy a bit more. I am utterly failing on my texting reduction endeavors this week, but doing OK with that failure at least.

LG,

I'm glad that your T was able to have the conversation about attachment. That is a good thing and very important. I also really know what she means about getting only one bio mom and that sometimes we have to seek out what we are missing from other people.

quote:

"If I can be like a second mom to you, I am happy to do that for you".

My concern with this statement (as nice as it would be to hear) is that the reality is that she can't be like a second mom to you. Unless she means ONLY when you are in session with her. She is your T which means she can't act in any other capacity than that and as such can't be a second mom. In session she can model motherly behavior and give you some of what you missed from your own mother, but outside of that the statement that she made would have stirred me up. Maybe it doesn't for you and I don't want to put words in your mouth.

I'll give you an example. My old T ended up having a relationship with me outside of T (after we terminated). At times she would refer to herself as grandma to my kids. She was always very motherly toward me and I definitely saw her as a maternal figure. The downside came when she really didn't have time for me in her life except for just here and there and it was confusing after we were so close in T, statement that she made like calling herself grandma when she would watch my kids etc. and then at the same time not really fitting into her life. We are still in contact, but it's more like a comment here or there on Facebook kind of relationship. You know? So, as much as I sometimes wish that my T could be my mother I am pretty aware that if the relationship went outside of T (say we ended) that eventually there would probably be issues.

LG it sounds like you are really struggling with your attachment to T - as in, fearing that it is too much and needing to extricate yourself a bit from it all. Your T is so very obviously there for you, that it must feel like you're having to cut off an arm to back away. I wonder though if you are wanting to withdraw a bit, more because you feel you 'shouldn't' be so attached rather than because its unhealthy?

The only worrying thing I can see is if your T doesn't maintain consistent boundaries, that's when it could get tricky and damaging. STRM has a point when she says that if your T being a second mom to you is within the context of therapy only, that's perfectly fine and healthy, but if there's any kind of overlap into real world, that could get very confusing and counter-therapeutic.

I also get the impression that at the moment your therapy is pretty much focused on the relationship, would it be possible to set aside your concerns about the relationship for now and focus on your other issues, like the ED? Forgive me if that's exactly what you are doing, I'm just sensing that the relationship/attachment issues are taking precedence at the moment and spinning you out, which can't be doing your health much good.

Sorry if this is coming across as preachy, or trying to tell you what you already know Just wanted to say something to let you know I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.

LL

Yaku,
Thank you for the lengthy reply. You gave me a lot to think about. Sometimes I do think T loves me, but just can't tell me. Other times I convince myself that is simply wishful thinking. I feel like I need to hear the words to know its true. Or I need to hear that she doesn't, so I can let go and accept it.

I think we are a lot alike in regard to our texting habits and our Ts. Sounds like you are struggling with reducing the times you reach out via text, but at least you are giving yourself permission to do so and not beating yourself up about it when you aren't able to hold off on the texts. I am in a similar spot right now.


STRM,
I totally agree with your concern about T not being able to truly be my 2nd mom. I mean, sure she can give me unconditional positive regard and be all tender and nurturing during that hour that I am PAYING her for, but at the end of the day....its not me that she's taking to the water park this afternoon,its her son. That hurts. I am so ashamed to admit that I sort of hate that 4 year-old little boy that she adopted.

LL,
Thanks for the reply. Yes, I do feel I shouldn't be attached....its seems wrong,like I'm some pathetic needy clingy patient who is obsessing over her T. It feels both like a "shouldn't" as well as unhealthy.

We don't spend most of the therapy talking about the relationship. ACtually, we hardly talk about that at all which may be why I am talking about it here, I dunno. Mostly we talk about my ED and SA. Yesterday, for example, we spent about 30 min talking about ED and 30 min talking about the relationship. On Tuesday, we spent about 50min talking about a relationship with someone who truly is my second mom and has taken me under her wing. On Monday we spent about 40 min on SA and 20 min on ED.

So most of what we do is about other relationships, childhood trauma, and ED. Yesterday when we talked about relationship with each other....it was a departure from what we normally discuss....but am feeling the need to spend more time talking about the relationship. Its just so hard to though....its uncomfortable and embarrassing for me.


Thank you all for the replies and feedback!!

Hi! I'm sorry to just pop in out of the blue- I know I havent written here in a long while...
I've had times where I've wanted to disconnect from my therapist for an extra week, but there I was, returning to him with my tail between my legs.
I think the attachment becomes increasingly painful as soon as we recognize our utter helplessness in the situation. One moment you can be basking in the warmth of their affection, and the next moment you can be hit with the reality of it all. I'll never forget all the sessions I just burst into tears at the drop of a hat, because my mind would wander. "He doesn't belong to me."
I totally felt for you when you mentioned seeing T1 on television. Those are the kind of moments where life screams in your ear. One day my T's phone ran at the end of his session, and he answered very briefly, saying, 'Thats right, at 6 o clock. Bye.' And I asked him, 'Sooo....What's happening at six, huh?' in a light-hearted way, and he replied, 'Oh, something with my son.' And I realized how he had no obligation to me whatsoever. Even though I thought about him almost every moment of everyday, and I had imaginary conversation with him in my head about every single little thing happening, he was really just a man with a career and a family.
Sorry to rant. I just wanted to say that I think taking some time to yourself is perfectly healthy. Its like YOU"RE taking little vacations from therapy, instead of your T doing so. It can be good to stretch your wings. I would suggest keeping a diary (if you don't already) of everything going on that you would have discussed with her, and what you would have hoped she would say back to you. We all have to be careful of getting addicted to therapy, because what they offer of is a valuable life tool and a loving relationship. That being said, never feel guilty for your attachment. It is the most painful, and the most healing aspect of therapy... I still can't believe it, but I came to a point where I was seeing my therapist 5 times a week, to once every two weeks. I think it depends on your intentions-- if you're trying to avoid feeling the pain, the separation might cause you increased distress. There is strength in surrendering to the care of your therapist, and there is strength in facing a morning alone... Its up to you, and whatever you decide, they'll be time, and I'm confident your T with be there for you. Her words tell me she truly loves you and wishes the best for you. Hang in there, good luck!