She called last night twice. She's called this morning twice. I decided to answer the phone with one sentence: "I'm not speaking to you. If you've called to tell me someone's dead, then go ahead." "No. I'm just calling to see if you want me to bring some ice melt for your driveway." I said, "I don't want anything from you." As I was hanging up the phone I could hear her in typical fashion, "(my name) What is wrong with you." but before her sentence ended, I had already hung up.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

SpaGirl I'm sorry you are feeling so awful and things with Mom have not gotten any better.

I hava a question... are you in therapy? If not maybe you should find a good therapist who can help you deal with this situation. You are not going to change mom so maybe a therapist can help you change your reaction to her and help with a different way of relating or not relating at all ... just distancing yourself. I also think you need to mourn the mother you want and you are obviously not going to get and come to terms with it. Therapy can help with this.

I wish you the best and hope you can have a decent holiday season if not the one you want.

TN

Thanks for responding. Yes, I have been in therapy - since the age of 11 - when the court ordered it after my step-father beat the living daylights out of me in front of the neighborhood children. I've seen well over 20-therapists and haven't gotten much out of it besides the "this is what page 71 of my psyche textbook says I'm supposed to say now". I wish I could talk to Dr. Drew. He's calm and seems to get it. Mom won't change. But I don't have to let her abuse me either - and dismissal is abuse. If it's not a respectful relationship, then it's abuse. It's just SO TIRING this constant roller coaster ride with her. She seriously thinks by waking up everything should be all better - never taking responsibility for her words or actions. All I can think about are the hundreds of incidents just like this one. Most of them I've put here, but not all, of course. It does seem to boil down to the kinder and more thoughtful I am to her, the worse she treats me. And since she has the ability to get the entire family (what's left of them) on her side, it's just no use to try to go to them for help. The last time I tried to talk to my Aunt about how I didn't even get to speak my side of the story in Wyoming, she literally put the phone down and didn't listen to a word. Dismissed. Disrespected. Disregarded. Why should I give a shit about any of them if this is how they are going to treat me?

This IS me distancing myself. Not taking her calls, not falling into her traps, not spending time with her, no guilt.

The mourning part? I spent last night imagining what my "real" Mom would have said about my advisement of her seeing the eye doctor I recommended. "Thanks so much. I really think he can help my eyes. I appreciate your taking care of me." You know, like normal people do.


I've been traumatized. Over and over again. Week after week. And I am DONE with it.

What is dawning on me now is how much easier it is to separate and draw my boundaries while I'm still mad. When I'm mad, it's easy. It's when I feel happy and want to reach out to her that remembering how badly she makes me feel (through her words and actions) seems to be so far away. I guess that's the cycle. How do I change that? How do I keep myself safe when I'm not mad at her?

(((SpaGirl)))

I'm sorry that your mother is so horrible to you. I can relate because I have a very difficult mother and family relationships. I don't have much advice because you say you've already tried therapy. One of the biggest changes I've made over the last 2.5 years in therapy is how I've distanced myself from my family of origin. Maybe you need to find the right therapist.

I used to get mad and fight with my mother and not take her calls which would actually result in her trying harder to contact me and try and return things to normal. Things actually got better when I stopped getting so angry and just started doing less with her and called her less. Luckily, my mother changed her behaviour and I don't think all parents would. She stopped complaining to me because when she did I would call her less. I didn't tell her I was doing that. I didn't give her a chance to fight with me about it.

I hope you can develop boundaries with her that give you some space. No one should have to live with the verbal and emotional abuse that your mother gives you.

Thanks, "I".

Part of sharing here is the support I get. You don't feel like it's you against the world anymore.

This really sucks - and has for SOOOOOOO LONG. It's wearing me out. I go to work with such a heavy heart. It's miserable.

I just want to avoid Christmas with "them", but I know that will never happen ... well, it will one day, when she's dead - or I'm dead. It is just so hard to get in the sharing and caring mood for them when during the year NONE of them have anything to do with me, no calls, nothing. If I'm invited to dinner it goes through Mom. They literally say, "If you speak to (my name), tell her she's invited, too." !!! [I wish there was a way to type me shrugging.]

And, of course, now that I've had a moment to vent and be heard and some time has passed, I feel better which makes me want to call her, but I know that will only start the cycle again.

I'm not opposed to treatment. Just WHO can help me navigate her? As I said before, it's exhausting. It's like she's in her own little bubble - she can say or do anything she wants without consequences. (and yes, I've tried setting boundaries and consequences with her - no luck).

The saddest part is, she will probably live another 10-20 years. And here I am stuck in "heavy heart" land until I'm set free.

.

Wow, Dragonfly, thanks, I needed that!

I barely slept last night, and woke up this morning with a plan. I had previously taken to my Mom's house the (very few) Christmas gifts I've bought "the family" (a term I use loosely) since that is where we traditionally open them on Christmas morning (and I typically spend the night with her X-Eve). But, as I said, "I'm D.O.N.E." - really this time. I just can't tolerate another Xmas of us pretending to be a happy family - it's so hypocritical. So I am going over there in the hopes that she won't be home, and I'm going to distribute my presents to the homes of my "family" with a note - or maybe not a note, just leave them at the door - or explain in person. In the simplest terms: "I'm fed up with her bullshit."

I've spent so much time analyzing that I have no more left. I don't care why she is the way she is. Her attitude sucks and I'm no longer interested in spending any more time with her. I don't enjoy her company. I'm tired of her snide comments. 46-years is ENOUGH.

I'm sure this will cause a row, or more "what's wrong with YOU" accusations. But, I don't care. I'm done. I can't bear having to thank her for any gifts. The thought just makes me sick.

It IS healing to realize that I'm not the only one facing this problem. I know it's a lot worse for a lot of people, but to know that we are in this together really makes a difference - it gives me strength. I need strength now!

Wish me luck, I will need it. I feel like I'm going into battle (again).

x

Oh yeah, of course she is drinking again.

In fact, she only stopped drinking for 30-days in September. It was nice having a real mother for a second.

"Only two glasses."

x

Spa Girl - Are you sure your mother isn't mine? Boy do they sound the same. The first time I truly distanced myself was at Thanksgiving. I said no I'm not coming for dinner. This really blew their minds and boy did it cause a problem. However, they got over it. When Christmas came that year, I wasn't sure what to do. So I did my usual - I went, was treated like crap - and left feeling totally abused all over again.

It took me a long time, and then one day I was there and my mom was going off on me, insulting and nasty. We were in the middle of dinner. My dad said nothing, my siblings said nothing. I said nothing. Finally I just stood up and said I waas going home. My mother was all nicey nice and said oh don't go, stay, don't go home mad, and blah blah blah. I looked at her and very calmly said, I'm not mad. I'm just goin home. I left. At the time I felt scared and empowered all at the same moment. By the time I got home, I had totally come unglued. However, it did make a difference on their end. My mom realized at that moment that I wasn't going to take her crap anymore. Trust me, she still dishes it out every chance she gets and I still take it most of the time. I only go there when I have to. It is my choice, and why I still go is beyond me except I feel obligated for some stupid reason.

This year, I bought them all a little something. I will take it there and spend maybe an hour with them, and then go home. I will have fulfilled my obligation to them, and in some strange way, eased my guilt about not wanting to be with them.

I know that I did the right thing, it's just hard to deal with.

I hope it gets easier for you.

Smiley

How Sunday, December 19th ended up.
Even beginning to write about this is making me nervous all over again.

Earlier than my usual hour, I felt the need to get to Mom's house and get it over with. I was on a mission.

On the way there I was bracing myself for what might happen. What would I say? I'd say nothing, because to say anything only gives her something to respond to. But then she would get on me for not speaking. Would I be able to not react?

Her garage door was down. Did this mean she was gone? Nope. The car was there. Shit. I went to the door and she wasn't sitting there. I unlocked the door and went inside. She must have been in the shower. I went quickly to my room where the presents I had brought over previously were. I thought fast. "Quick, take the ones for the cousins and get them back into the garage so I can get them in my car asap." Then I quickly put the rest of her presents in bags and got the name tags on and put them under the tree. I put everything back, as if I had never been there. I had made a video for her that, under my delusion, I thought "we" as a family would watch together over Christmas (yes, you can LAUGH NOW!). I left that on the kitchen table and slid out the door. She was in her bathroom the whole time and never knew I was there!

Got in the car and drove off as quickly as I could - hands shaking - a nervous wreck. Then I thought, "Wow, "they" (the Good "they") must have been watching out for me today!"

Then I drove to my cousin's house. They are calmer people, but there is a good chance they would try to convince me to keep the status quo. I was a little less nervous dealing with them, and I didn't know who would be home - maybe one of the kids would be there and they certainly would not have any questions. I drove up the driveway. Their dog, who hates me, came out barking. (PS - NO animals hate me ... only this one dog!) Their garage door was down too, but the garage door was open. I walked in. One car in the garage. "Hmmm?" I went to the door. I rang the door bell. Nothing. I knocked. Nothing. "O.K. either they are in the bathroom, too, or they're gone." So I left the packages with a note: "Here are your Christmas gifts from me. I hope you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS." - signed my name, and left.

I had brought my new dog with me for support on this mission, and guess what she does? She starts BARKING at their dog! "Good Girl! You have really keen instincts!" LOL.

So THE GODS were watching out for me today. Not one confrontation. Whew! Now me and my dog can get out and have some fun!



When we get home, I check my phone and email. Mom had called. But since I don't allow voice mail on my home phone, she can't leave a message! Smart, huh! Then I see that she has left me an email: 1:35 PM - "Thanks very much for the disk – you did a good job – I will let Billie see it." (Billie is her sister - my aunt).

For the untrained eye, one might see this as a nice gesture. There weren't any "Were you here earlier? Why didn't you stay?" or worse comments. What it says to me is, "My daughter isn't speaking to me, so I better be nice. But as soon as I get her back in my trap, I can attack her again - hopefully on Christmas Day, if all goes my way."

It's hard to believe the good, when historically, the bad is just a few steps away. This is just another ploy. She is not going to change and become a nice person all of the time. BUT, it makes her feel better. [In her voice] "See what I mean about my daughter. I've been nothing but nice to her and this is how she treats me." It gets her off the hook. She doesn't need to take responsibility for herself.


For all of us in similar situations this Christmas - or "Holiday" - or "Festivus" - Let's all hold hands.

~~~~~

It's getting really hard not calling.

I'm used to calling her every day. I am typically the one who takes action. And, you know another thing? I'm having "drama withdrawal". Does that make sense?

But, on the other hand, to be the one to call basically says to her, "All is forgiven and you are, yet again, off the hook for taking responsibility for your actions".

Thanks for the support, Dragonfly.

You know what else is telling? Not ONE person has called me since I left the packages! (Well, they never call me anyway.) But I thought at the very least I'd get an email questioning whether I'll be there for Xmas dinner or what the deal is. But nothing. It makes perfect sense, tho. I DON'T MATTER to them. This is just more proof.

SG - I'm sorry that noone called you. I do know the feeling. Truly I do. It hurts deeply and I don't know how anyone can do that to another person. I would like to say it gets easier, but I haven't found that to be true. I do understand it more now, and so I kind of brush them off, but it still hurts and I guess in some way I keep hoping that they will change. I know they won't but deep inside I guess there will always be a little hope that they will. I think that's why it hurts so much.

I'm sorry for your pain and I wish I could say something that would make you feel better. The only thing I can say is try and see them for what they are - they are insensitive, cruel and hurtful and you don't need to take that from them. You are much better than them and you deserve more.

Thinking of you

Smiley

Thanks for your support. It gives me strength to stay firm on this.

You know what's funny, is that they probably have no idea why I feel the way I do. Or that anything they do is offensive to me. They are so cocooned in their little world, I'm just an outsider who doesn't factor into their lives at all.

I just keep replaying all the times they showed me disrespect. My Aunt wouldn't even LISTEN to me - she literally put the phone down and walked away! And I wasn't yelling, or starting anything, I just wanted my side listened to. She didn't have enough respect for me to simply listen --- then she wonders why I am the way I am. My cousin has brushed me aside so often, I feel totally invisible and insignificant to him. I've done nothing but be supportive of him, but none of that matters. And MOM, ugh. Just too many to list.

I planned and executed an epic SOLO trip to France and when I returned NO ONE wanted to see pics or videos, in fact, no one even asked me how my trip was! Unbelievable. They just have no interest in me at all.

It is sad.

Giving up hope that things will one day be better is the key. In my dreams we are still a family, but the dream ends when I wake up to reality.

.

... I feel like writing some more ...

I wish I had a family that was warm and welcoming. My urge is to get into the swing of Christmas and make some food to take over to share. But in that one sentence lies three problems. They turn their nose up at my food; sharing is out of the question; and all of this assumes a position of Joy. Since Mom is a "killjoy", mustering up some only sets yourself up to be criticized or shunned.

The more I think about it, we really don't have anything in common. I used to make a joke (only to myself) that "I'm Burger King, they're McDonald's. I'm Coke, they're Pepsi." I used to think that our differences were okay to have ... you know like Donnie and Marie used to sing "I'm a little bit country ... and I'm a little bit rock and roll." But even with differences, Donnie and Marie are still family and still kind to each other and still support each other and still have each others backs. I don't sense anyone in this "family" has my back. And it's proven over and over again.


.

Thursday, December 23rd

"DETOX"

I woke up earlier than usual this morning with a combination of calm serenity and anxiety. I do remember what it's like to be serene. Then I think of the reality of Mom and I start to get anxious again. I feel like I've lived in a constant state of anxiety for YEARS, knowing that we may have calm times, but waiting for the next trauma to come, because I know it's lurking out there somewhere. That feeling is a horrible one. I wonder if it will ever go away, or when she dies and I can truly detox, will there be a transference of anxiety towards something else, the way some people are afraid of the dark? Come to think about it, Mom is constantly afraid of everything. That's one of our problems. I see snow and feel joy. She sees snow and thinks "I'm trapped in a snow storm." (Which isn't true, btw, we don't get that much snow - I'm talking just a dusting or a few inches and she overreacts!).

Then I started thinking about Christmas (in two days) and I remembered how, when I spend the night with her, I stay up and have mass with the Catholic pope on TV (by myself, of course). But this year, I am fed up with the Catholics, too. However, the Episcopalians are sort of Catholic, maybe they have something going on ... a little pageantry for the season? My second thought was, "I'll take mom with me." STOP! No. I won't. [deep breath] I very quickly remembered why I'm separating myself from her in the first place: it's because even the smallest acts of kindness become a threat to her. My vision of going to church with my mom and enjoying it are delusions. Granted, there is a one in a million chance that she would say "Yes, that sounds like a good idea and one which I would enjoy sharing with you." LMAO I'm glad I still have my sense of humor. Realizing that the rest of the world ISN'T like her really helps.

I used to turn against everyone when she struck out at me (I like to think of it as a snake who lurches forward to envenomate you - very similar to Mom ... a poisonous snake.) Now I'm finding peace in other people - people who are actually nice and caring - many of whom have gone through situations similar to mine and survived (by distancing themselves from the attacker).

I feel calm.

.

This sucks. It's hard. And I'm not having any fun.


Sounds like a song.

Even though I've not spoken to Mom this week, I'm haunted by the ghosts of "Mom Past". All I can keep thinking about are the myriad of times when life wasn't normal, and how cheated I have been. I see all these families getting together and it just guts me. I think of all the times I tried to talk to her about things and she just can't hear me. That would require her taking responsibility for herself, which, apparently, she can't - and never will presumably.

I am worried about money, and whatever she leaves me IS my "retirement". I NEED to discuss this with her. I tried to discuss it with her and she just goes silly and won't have an adult to adult conversation with me. This is a VERY important topic and it just (to use the term again) guts me that we can't even discuss non-emotional issues that matter very much to my future.

From the simple walk in the park, to wanting to share a new experience, to life's big questions, she's just not there for me. I am so frustrated and upset and can't figure out a way out of this. There is no one whom I can talk to. I just don't know what to do. I'm not happy at all about this. My heart is so heavy and I don't know what to do about it.


.

Hi SpaGirl
It sounds like you have a lot to deal, it is very hard moving away from a toxic relationship and letting go of all the past hurts.I hope you can find some peace within yourself in teh next few days.

Pandora

7:00 p.m. Christmas Eve - not a word from anybody. Nothing.

I even turned on the answering machine, just in case.


Thank goodness for animals. Much kinder than people.


I think I'll just go back to bed.


.

[I might insert Christmas stuff here, maybe, maybe not - it ended well. No big fights or tensions. "Whew!"]


I did a GOOD thing. Yesterday, Mom came to my town to see the eye doctor again. I met her at his office and then we went for lunch. I drove my car. She was basically agreeable until after lunch on the drive back to her car she started acting like a back seat driver again: grabbing the car door, pretending to break, and making faces as if I was driving like a race car driver (which I wasn't - I was doing regular driving in our regular traffic: safe distances/safe speeds). She starts in on me, "YOU need to slow down, you're too close, what would happen if that car slammed on it's breaks ....." I very calmly said to her, "No Mom, it's not ME with the problem, it's YOU. Take responsibility for YOURSELF. Own it." I didn't fall into her trap and start defending myself for NOT driving badly, as she was seeing it.

I supposed my non-reaction diffused the situation, because she didn't pick anymore. I'd say that was a milestone! I can also see how it's time to back away once more. Not out of anger or hurt, but just because she can only maintain the "nice Mom" characteristics for only so long until the real mom comes out. I will step away and give her some space. No calls to her today, but if she calls me, since I'm not angry I will be able to talk to her in the only way she knows how: superficially. "How's the weather, what doctor are you seeing next" that sort of thing. And, finally, I have come to a place of release where that is okay. [That part feels really good.]

~

SpaGirl - I just wanted to make a quick comment first about your backseat driver mother. It bugs me when people do it to me. Do they REALLY think I want to get hurt in a bad accident or get a speeding ticket or demolish my car?? Like I'm totally going to do any of those things ON PURPOSE. I wouldn't even want to, even if I was driving alone, sheesh.

Sorry your Christmas was so hard. It's a really hard time of year for me as well. I have problems with my side of the family but my husband talks so bad about them that I feel myself wanting to defend them. ~D.

Hi Debbye,

Thanks for your reply. It's sad how many of us have difficult relationships with our Mothers. It was only last year when I started to realize how much alcohol plays such a significant role in which mother I will get: the good one or the nasty one with all the destructive comments. I used to go into a therapists office and ask, "Why?". I wondered if she had an "ism" and that was the reason for her behavior. I've thought of all of them, Narcissism, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), Borderline Personality Disorder. I thought that if I understood her then I could make things better. I've stopped doing that.

I hope your Christmas ended up okay.

.

I also wanted to say congratulations. Keeping some emotional distance from a toxic parent is a process. Be proud you managed today but it probably won't be the last time she challenges you if she is anything like my mother.
Hugs