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6 replies

Dangerously close to losing control - Update

room2growroom2growCo-moderator
I was pretty positive this would be a good weekend, unlike last weekend, where I tortured myself until I called my T.

This weekend was supposed to be a light-filled one. Had a fun dinner Friday night. Today was supposed to be chiropractor this morning, massage this afternoon, and a play tonight. Sunday, a friend was coming over early to help get ready for a small lunch gathering I’m supposed to host, a few old friends getting together to hang out. It was going to be a fun weekend.

Within 10 minutes, the weekend crashed around me. My massage therapist (MT) is sick. I haven’t had a massage in two months, and considering this is the ONLY time I let anyone touch me, and all the hard work lately with my T, I NEED a massage. My MT had been sick, dealing with a family thing, and then was away for a month. The compassionate part of me wants her to get better and get healthy. The selfish part of me is pissed she canceled again. My last 4 massages canceled. Combine that with the fact tomorrow’s girls gathering was canceled, my weekend of lightness just crossed into darkness.

I am moving dangerously close to self-destruction. Why not eat cake for breakfast? Why not sleep until 10:45am? Why not eat foods that I know will make me violently ill, potentially sending me to the hospital? Why not? Since somehow I deserve to feel this hurt, why not hurt myself so it overpowers the hurt of my plans canceling? I prefer to hurt by my own doing than by others doing. And it is really, really hurting.
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True NorthTrue NorthCo-moderator
R2G... so sorry your plans got cancelled and screwed up for the weekend. I think what you are feeling is a lack of control over what happened. You also have some anger and because it's scary to put the anger where it belongs to the other people who hurt you ... you are turning it in against yourself by wanting to overeat or eat bad stuff or hurt yourself. It's all about control.

Do you still have the plans for the play tomorrow night?

Instead of hurting yourself why don't you focus on the good that remains of the weekend and then add some new stuff to it. Go out and get yourself a manicure or get your hair washed and blown dry so it looks great for the play. Go to the library and get a new book or DVD. Treat yourself to a new lipstick and spend a lot of time in the store trying them out and picking the perfect one for you.

If things get really bad call your T. That is why you have her for a resource when life gets overwhelming.

And keep writing here. Let us know how and what you are doing.

Thinking of you
TN
yakusokuyakusokuMember
quote:
Instead of hurting yourself why don't you focus on the good that remains of the weekend and then add some new stuff to it. Go out and get yourself a manicure or get your hair washed and blown dry so it looks great for the play. Go to the library and get a new book or DVD. Treat yourself to a new lipstick and spend a lot of time in the store trying them out and picking the perfect one for you.

If things get really bad call your T. That is why you have her for a resource when life gets overwhelming.

And keep writing here. Let us know how and what you are doing.



I like TN's suggestions here. It's hard to make a choice to care for yourself, but I hope you can! My sister is a massage therapist and couldn't get a hold of a client yesterday to verify their appointment, ending up in a late cancellation. She felt horrible. I'm sure your MT does too!
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
quote:
You also have some anger and because it's scary to put the anger where it belongs to the other people who hurt you ... you are turning it in against yourself by wanting to overeat or eat bad stuff or hurt yourself. It's all about control.

TN, you put it into words for me, thank you. I don't "do" anger. I'm working on it. I am just really disappointed - I have been looking forward to this weekend for a month, and now it's shot. I do have the play still, and that will be nice. I just have to keep it together long enough to make it there.

Yaku, it is SO hard to even think about taking care of me, which is why my Massages are so important. I know my MT feels bad, but it's really becoming a routine. If I have to look for a new MT, I will, because I need this kind of work. But she is so incredibly amazing at what she does. I've been to a lot of MTs, and she is the best around.

I'll check in later on, for now, I think I'm going to take a bath... anything to keep me out of the kitchen.
S sadlyMember
Room2Grow, I am sorry it is so hard at the moment. It sounds very difficult. I am so glad that you reach out here and say so. I am so glad you can write and tell us. I am hoping that the weekend is proving a little better than you feared and yet also, it is so positive that you do reach out and we are here for you, caring and wanting things to go better for you this weekend.
If things get really tough, you can ring your T and you can ring your friends and you can make choices about which way to go. If you feel so bad and hurting, that you would make unhelpful choices about what you would do or eat, why not ring and tell someone that you are indeed hurting that bad, that you will do something harmful, and they can hear and help or be kind. I am sorry you are hurting that much, I send you my encouragement for a weekend that is different to how you wanted it.
((((((R2G))))))))))))

from Sadly
ladygreyladygreyMember
R2G,

I know how disappointing it can feel when plans get cancelled. being someone who is a huge scheduler, I have a difficult time adapting to changes in plans.

Are there some other things you can do to salvage the weekend? go to a movie? Try a new recipe and make an elaborate meal? Get a pedicure? Put together a puzzle and watch your favorite movies?
room2growroom2growCo-moderator
Well yesterday sucked balls. I did not do well with the food, but I didn't let myself get into the danger zone. I don't have an ED, but I have some major food allergies that make me pretty sick. I actually tried to make other plans for today, but as seemed to be the pattern for this weekend, they fell through as well.

LG - I did end up watching some movies I had DVRd, and am catching up on a few TV shows I DVRd as well. I cleaned, too, which I hate to do, so it was a productive way to get my frustration out!!

Sadly - thanks for the hugs, they helped ease the pain a bit, actually. I really don't have many people to ring up, so calling wasn't much of an option. As luck would have it, the three people I would call are all unavailable this weekend Frowner

I hate that the weekends are so much more challenging for me than during the week. I see my T on Mondays and Thursdays, and between Monday and Thursday I am fine, but between Thursday and Monday I fall apart. Knowing this, I have been trying to plan for things to do on the weekends, but as the saying goes - we plan, g-d laughs. It sucks. It really sucks.

This weekend, though, I didn't feel the urge to call my T, like I did last weekend. I think knowing that I CAN call her made it so I didn't?

I hate hurting. I hate that I'm actually feeling feelings for the first time, since, well, since ever. It sucks.

Thanks for being here everyone...

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