I live with her still. No I cant get out.
But theres something worse than living with her.
I don't know how to live outside of her.

I don't know how. My whole world has revolved around mother,and still does.

People go through stages with me.
1) The horror shock of what my mother does/how she treats me
2) Getting on my side.
3) realizing the bad consequences of being on my side rather than mother, which could lead to either her hating them, or subtle punishments for them
4)FIghting for me and attempting to go gainst the mother....
5) telling me its not so bad.
6) leaving .



I dont want other people in my life anymore. I dont know how to function in the "world"
All I know is mother may I, mother I should have, Mother mother.....and all my decisions are based off of subconscious mother survival manual that is now my autopilot in my head.
I cannot relate to anybody.

My therapist, she tells me "its okay now, its not happening now".
But I cant
I dont live here ...I've lived in a million places in my head my whole life.
I dont know how to function here.

I dont know how to stop being the daughter of a narcissistic mother, the victim of pedophiles, the significant other of someone who tells me my problems aren't real, because they don't live with the mother. And ultimately, I dont know how to live with myself, because I have always been outside of my own self....and I feel like days blend together and all I need to do is survive.

and then next thing I know, its been 4 years.

I mean simple things...I dont know how to drink out of a glass without looking over my shoulder...
thinking of the million reasons walking to the right could be wrong and what conclusions could be drawn from my actions..like "will leaving this napkin here make my mother call me evil? "

My whole life to the tee has been about survival.

What is this place, where people sit and talk and watch TV without waiting for tornados. What kind of life is this? I can't adapt to this life.